As my heart races to 150 beats per minute, strangely I feel (or I know I should feel) incredibly blessed, yet it is hard for me to catch my breath. I think about how I have felt in the past, how is this the same, how is this different? I try to talk about it, but not sure the words come out right. I wonder what I have done to get myself to this point. I am ridden with guilt, as I try to decide what is best for me. I wonder if I worry too much about what others will think, I wonder if I will be any less of a person. I am struggling with feeling a lack of control. I am wondering if my worrying is making me worry too much. While my personality has driven me to keep a good sense of humor, a listening ear, a good reputation, treat others well, try to always find a middle ground, think about how I treat the people closest to me, has lead me to great success and has pushed me to see how much I can accomplish; I find myself wondering how much of who I am, has also held me back. I want to be better at standing up for myself, and not feel guilty. I think a very big part of me just wants to make sure I am on the right path and that I matter in some way, to somebody. I want to feel good about who I am, and where I am, and where I am going. I want to be ok with it all. And as I start to think about how far I have come, and how far I have left to go...I can feel my heart begin to race all over again....
I have lost 10lbs through my running training, and since this is always a constant battle for me, I do feel good for that accomplishment. Although, at least with weight, and exercise, I have some control of the results....
As thankful as I am for summer vacation and not having to work in the summer, I think almost a bigger part of me is nervous for what this summer will bring. I do much better on a routine, with a schedule, and I suppose I would feel better if I knew what was going on in the fall. But there is going to be a lot me that misses the distraction that work provides, the students..the good and the bad, my friends here, lesson planning, it all, for the most part takes so much focus off of myself and worrying about me. I will miss that. I am happy for the break though, because as much of a distraction that work provides, it also is making me insanely stressed out.
Quotes of the Day: ¨It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them.¨
"SeƱorita, I would throw him out the window if that would make you happy.¨
¨Anyone can give up, its the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that´s true strength.¨
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