The ups and downs

I had a really rough weekend. I will just put it out there. Distressed, depressed, frustrated, lonely, wondering why, overwhelmed, helpless, worthless, can't do anything right, where am I supposed to be?

And I melted down, and per usual went into shut down mode.

So why write about something like this, when I have felt it quite often in the past?

Well, because this time, no one ran the other way. Ya know, when you are so down on yourself, and all people close to you run, it feels like the world is closing in on you, it feels suffocating, it feels like being a good person means nothing, it feels like you don't even exist. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am overly emotional, and fully admit and accept this, but it doesn't stop the hurt. I realized the importance of support this weekend. Of genuine support from genuine friends. I have realized the importance of genuine people in my life over the past two years, and especially over the past year, but once again, I was reminded this weekend that I am not alone in this.

I can write pages upon pages about what I am feeling. I can slap on sarcasm and laugh in an instant, but to talk about what I am feeling is really hard for me....mostly out of fear that people will run the other way as they have in the past. But I have found that as bits and pieces of me are glued back to together, as I continue to grow and learn, I continue to try and talk, vent, cry, laugh, ask for advice, ask for help. It is not easy, and talking does not always change things, but as with this weekend, talking allowed me to gain a fresh perspective on my thinking of my situation. It allowed me to sit with friends who came to visit unannounced and just listened. Sometimes I panic, I won't answer phones, I won't talk, I need to know that support is there though, or I feel like the earth is cracking beneath me, and I feel lucky that I have friends in my life that understand this, and SHOW me their support daily. Countless amounts of advice, they feeling that they have been there, or let's make a specific plan for what we can do. They understand how gold and type A I am. It has been a long time since I have felt not judged for all of my idiosyncrasies, they make me who I am, and for a long time I felt guilty for them. I don't know if I am going to make it through this year, but I do know that I will make it through today, and then wake up and make it through tomorrow, and that is what I hold on to. I try to be a really good friend, a really good person, and I hope that I am as good of a friend to them as my friends are to me. I would be lost without them.

Today was an up day. Today I had a good teacher day. Today I felt worth something. Today I felt like I was making a difference. Today I felt there was light at the end of the tunnel. Today I realized the fragility of life. I don't love the ups and downs, but when I am down, I hope to have the strength to go to my friends, and while I am up, I am going to celebrate it.