Kind to myself

"You cannot make someone love you. You can only make yourself someone who can be loved."
-Derek Gamba

And I have butterflies:) Own your decisions. Own them well.

EMPOWER ME!

Music. Inspiration. Empowerment. Play it Loud.

And guess what,
I'm having more fun,
And now that we’re done,
I'm gonna show you tonight,
I'm alright,
I'm just fine,
And you're a tool,
So, so what,
I am a rock star,
I got my rock moves,
And I don't want you tonight!

-Pink 

Are you free tonight, stop by if you like, if you might want to
I don't mind, I don't mind
You will see it's me I believe you could be, be the right one
For every girl like me

Because I, I, I am not perfect
But I, I, I, I know I'm worth it
And I, I, I gotta believe, there has to be a you
For every girl like me.

-Sugarland

Moving on, it's my time,
no longer a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..

Don't call,
don't come by,
ain't no use,
don't ask me why,
there'll be no more crying in the rain.

-Katherine McPhee

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

-Kelly Clarkston


There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more

Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best believe that I'm not gonna wait
'Cause there's gotta be something more

-Sugarland

You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color
And do the things I want

You think you got the best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on, over you

You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me
You know in the end, the day you left was just my beginning!

-Kelly Clarkston

Why you walking around
With your heart so heavy?
Is it getting you down?
Steady beat, beat steady

And with the way you're feeling
Thinking that it never will end
And I know you say you got your reasons
You kick it 'til you break it again

But I wanna say
Hey, hey, things are looking better now
Hey, hey, nothing lasts forever
If you open up your heart and let it in
You'll find the beat again
-Sugarland

 

Blessings in Disguise

These last few weeks have been blessings in disguise.

I deserve to be treated SO much better.
I am allowing myself to have bad days and good days.
No one else judges me for having them, so why should I?

I give 1000% to everyone around me, now it is time to give that 1000% back to myself.
I have 1000 people on my side. A friend told me that. And typed it out. And I blew it up. And it hangs on my wall. And it is true.

On my my most lonely, most sad day, whether 2 in the morning or 2 in the afternoon I could call ANYONE, and they would pick up. People that I have known for 2 minutes or 2 years have offered to help in any way they can. It did not have to be like this, and in the deepest parts of me, I know there is something bigger going on.

But each us has to be honest with ourselves in our own time. I have been honest with myself and my internal struggles, I cannot force that internal honesty on anyone else. What I can say, with certainty, is living a life repressing your true identity, your true self, is terminal. I don't wish that pain or internal struggle on anyone.

I work with clients, many in the LGBT community, who struggle daily with their identity, their sexuality, who they are, trapped in lives that they know don't feel right, but they don't know how to re-start their life, they can't even figure out what they are really feeling inside...and I work hard to provide a safe environment to empower them to become their truest selves. It is a long, hard, terrifying struggle, but I value being honest with your true identity.

I practice what I preach. I wouldn't tell any my clients, those in the LGBT community and others not in the community anything that I wouldn't practice myself. It would not be authentic.

Maybe it is my innate ability to be understanding and accepting of different types of people, maybe my chosen profession has not only changed my clients, but myself as well. As I advise clients to be honest with themselves and make their current struggles present, honor them, untangle them, be honest with them, and you will find your true self, I too, have done the same thing right along with them.

It takes great courage to realize who you really are and what you deserve, especially when you feel like the world is against you. It takes honesty and bravery, strength, and a great sense of humor.

I am brave. I am honest. I am funny. I am surrounded by 1000 people on my side.

People have the right to change their minds, but with change, must come explanation, without explanation change is just cowardly.

Human emotions fascinate me. They also terrify me. But the difference now is that I am not afraid to explore them or reach out for help when I need to. I reach out...and people come running toward me.

I can survive a lot. I can tolerate a lot. But I WILL NOT tolerate being treated poorly. Being treated like I never existed. Being treated like I never gave a damn.

I am confident, and strong. I am independent and have sarcasm that runs a mile wide.

I am a good friend, and have very few enemies.

Advice to all: DO NOT get on my bad side.
I WILL stand up for myself,my wants, my needs and I WILL NEVER back down.
No one will block me from what I want out of my life.
I AM and ALWAYS WILL BE A FIGHTER.
DO NOT tell me something you do not truly mean. SPEAK CLEARLY!
I WILL ONLY take responsibility for my actions and my feelings, never yours.
I WILL NOT be lied to.
I don't do drama.
I speak my truth.
I am DAMN confident and intelligent and no one will EVER get the best of me. 

I live for awkward moments that make life entertaining.
I had a recent conversation with someone new that just changed my whole out look on life.
This person reminded me what I am all about....laughing...making other people laugh...using my dry sense of humor to ease pain and discomfort...to better the people around me...I forgot what it was like to share a true love of life and sense of humor with someone. Even if just for a brief moment. It felt glorious.

I align myself with people that value the same things as me. And that want the same things out of life as me.
My journey to this place has been a challenging one...but I do believe everything that has happened has just been a blessing in disguise.

I am renewed. I am empowered. I have the loves of my life surrounding me.
I am a role model for those that come after me.
This explains it all......



In the deep of the dark, you fell in as the heart

Of your world went down in flames
To a cauldron of pain, seeing no way out


And as you walked through the fire
Losing even desire it was like a dying swan
To look at you then but look at you now


You have found a new lease on life
A stronger step and a curious calm on your face
That you wear as if to say


You can rise from the ashes again
You can rise to the morning that breaks in your eyes
For what looked like your heart's demise
Has turned out to be a blessing in disguise
It has worked for the good, like you heard that it could
But it was hard, so hard to believe
Standing among the ruins of a dream


But from here looking back, you can see clearly that
You can gain from things that you lose
And learn many ways by many means


You have been an inspiration to me
And all the volumes of hope your revival can speak
Will always say to me


You can rise from the ashes again
You can rise to the morning that breaks in your eyes
For what looked like your heart's demise
Has turned out to be a blessing in disguise 

-Laura Ashton

A Spectator of Life

I am merely a spectator of life...

I see happiness and people floating by.

I see births and deaths.
I see babies. 4 brand new baby girl cousins.
I see that I want that, but will never get that. 

I see friendships come and go.

I see terror and the fight for world peace.

I see hurt. Huge hurt.

I see chances and choices.

I see change.

I see momentary courage.

I see fleeting optimism. 

I see failures.

I see nothing more to look forward to.

I see a dream of my own funeral...and no one is there. 

I see that they have all run away.

I see a future that I don't want to live anymore.

I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Today I hang my head down low,

I am just not sure quite where to go.

Not long ago I was swept off my feet,

A beautiful romance, one that couldn’t be beat.

A beginning filled with discovery and fun,

I realized my life had just begun.

I poured out my whole heart and my entire soul,

A commitment was made, and I felt completely whole.

Vacations and long talks, our priorities were the same,

Meeting families was the next part of the game.

We all got along so well, And from the outside,

We were as happy as anyone could tell.

Yes things went fast, yes this was a first,

But we talked extensively, and agreed that this would work.

We earned our 5 minutes of fame and more memories made,

We celebrated everything, and provided support when births and deaths came.

Notes were written and books given as gifts as well,

Telling us our journey was just beginning, and so many more good things, the future would tell.

The peaks and valleys waxed and waned, I never thought I would be so shamed.

The support had fallen, minds had changed too,

But I had no idea the ending would have been handled like this by you.

There are so many questions and so much left unsaid,

I would have compromised the world to still be sharing the same bed.

I wish I had more answers, I wish I knew where it all went wrong,

I wish the last two years wouldn’t have lasted so long.

What was the fear? Where was the break-down? Why did you quit?

I would have talked forever, just to realize we were still a good fit.

Compromise, communication, history and love,

Spilling your soul for someone you adore.

If it wasn’t mean to be, then I ask God WHY?

Why put me through this, only to see me cry?

I have cried so many tears throughout the year,

If there is a lesson here, I do not see it very clear.

I would have waited and traveled and watched for the time to be right,

But instead I sat blindsighted, and now I must try to re-start my life.

Everyone tells me there is something bigger going on,

But it is still so very hard to just move on.

I see all my past relationships presently tied to another, living a seemingly happy life,

Smiling in their wedding pictures next to their new beautiful wife.

Why is this not happening to me, I want this so much, 

I suppose life is just NOT fair, each time I see a new photo, I feel like my body gets a punch.  

How do you fall out of love so quick, how do your feelings change in one months’ time,

If there is more to it that what I was told, share your true feelings, now is the time to be bold!

I feel like the answers that I got didn’t make sense, such a rash decision

Its goes against all common sense.

If it wasn’t meant to be, then why did we share a home,

Was it all based on hoping things would get better, or was I always, ultimately, alone?

I'm torn between love and hate, and in time my wounds will  become less sore

I hope you find what you are looking for, 

but for now, I must show myself the exit door

How do I prevent this from happening again, if I am really not sure what went wrong,

Will there be a sign, when I am ready to move on?

Will there be a moment, when I meet the right man,

When I know, that my tears, will not be a part of his plan.

I have been through pain before, more pain than anyone should ever bare,

At this point, I am not sure how many more feelings I can share.

I may never get answers, I may never understand,

But I hope the past teaches me something, so that next time, I can be dealt a better hand.

Now is the time to see who else is out there, who can be my partner in crime,

Realize that the best relationships are hard work and take time.

I give 100% to everyone I know; kind, loyal, funny, honest and willing to grow.

I hope one day someone can see, that all of these things are the most important parts of me.

My heart is broken, my strength is weak,

But if the right person comes long he can surely sneak a peek.

Peek into my soul, my newfound man, and see how much good there is to be found,

I promise I will never let you down.

I will turn the world upside down to make your dreams come true,

I will be a loyal partner to our relationship and to you.

I will be a good mom, wife, travel partner and friend,

I will be there until the very end.

Peek into my soul and see my strength and scars,

Know that we will have to use them to become who we are.

Don’t be scared off, accept the good and the bad,

And I promise you this relationship won’t just be the latest fad.

I cannot promise you life will always be perfect and that I won’t ever be sad,

But life isn’t always about being perfectly glad.

Life is about weathering the storms, understanding each other, and

Being ok with the norm.

I am not perfect, and you won’t be either,

But I still remain a true believer.

Relationships are more important than any accomplishment I ever receive,

And so I can promise you I would never leave.

In time my original confident and independent life will start again too, 

These are not steps backward, but rather steps forward to start something new.

I have inner strength that I dig for each day, and deep down I do know that I will be ok.

To end these thoughts, I turn to a song, dedicated to the one, that has yet to come along....

I might have to wait, I’ll never give up
I guess it's half timin' and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life.........................................

Someday, Oneday

I yearn for the day when someone says to me:

“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.” 

But then again....maybe it is time to be my own best friend, an inate gesture of friendship to myself, and say these exact words to ME, my own self. I was told the other day that if life is just too painful,you feel like you have lost your way, and your thoughts are too much to bare, just be kind to yourself.....Be kind to yourself, Amanda, and you will see change.....

 “Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing...for the better.”  -Elizabeth Gilbert

Straight from the Doctors Mouth

                                                              Feeling terribly sad tonight.
                        I guess I wanted some evidence. Even though I already knew the results.
                                                At least it is even what the doctor ordered. 
                        Even your brain feels "blue." It's Neurospychology. I don't make this up.

Lucky 13

I Found This Intriguing. 

The Lucky 13.

13 Rules of Relationships. 

Galway Kinnell et. al.

Good Reads.

1. Overall, there are moments with the person you love that make you really, really happy. Those are the good moments. But the majority of the bad moments you are shut out. You never forget the good times, but you will also never forget how they hurt you more than anyone you have ever known.

2. I believe in karma, what you give is what you get returned. I believe you can’t appreciate real love until you’ve been burned. I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side. I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye.

3. Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve
learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated; some people, no matter how many birthdays they celebrate, they never grow up, never develop the tools to deal with real life. 

4. Confidence and smiles do indeed cover painful wounds. But they are a band-aid. The deep wound is still there. The trick is to not cover up the sore, gently take the band-aid off, so that your wounds teach you something. They remind you where we’ve been and what you've overcome. They teach you lessons about what to avoid in the future. 

5. I’m not going to spend my life chasing people. You want to leave? Fine then, go ahead. Because I’m done with chasing and caring for people who lost interest in me. Nothing lasts and people change. I’ve learned love is hard and life isn’t always what you want it to be.

6.  I’ll move on but you’re going to have to go through the rest of your life knowing you turned your back on true love.

7. One day down the line, when you’re thinking about how much you miss me, and you see me happy with someone new, remind yourself this is what you wanted.

8. It’s the worst feeling in the world to love and hate someone all at the same time. And it’s hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same. 

9. I know I shouldn’t take everything personally. Most of the time it’s not about me but more about who they are. .

10. And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.

11. I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.

12. Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.

13. We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

Let our scars fall in love.