For centuries women were expected to get married and have kids. But now a new phenomenon has occurred...the career woman. And while it can be equally hard and equally gratifying, somehow, it is not respected, we are made to feel guilty, for putting career before family and kids.
I look at the people in my Master's classes, counseling clients with bellies full of babies, morning sickness, and fights with their husbands. I look at myself, and I realize that at 27 years old, I will have my Master's degree and full counseling license in a short 3 months. I am proud of myself, but there is this external pressure that even through this is a huge accomplishment at a young age, I am lacking. Where is my husband, my kids, why am I not settling down? And why is everyone around me seeming to find that settling down path, and I, who wants it so badly, cannot find it.
For me, it is not about choosing career or family, it is not about the gender politics or the guilt, or what I am "supposed" to be doing at my age. Rather, it is about me wanting to find my best friend, a partner to share my life with, my thoughts with, my honest feelings. A partner who understands my past scars, embraces them, and helps me move forward. A partner who will support my budding career AND be supportive of having kids and working at the same time. I always thought I would be the one to first get married and have kids. Always. That reality did not work out for me, but as I stop to think about why, I think it might have been because I wasn't ready, wasn't sure who I was, where I was, or my goals in life in general.
I am looking for that gut feeling, that gut intuition that my partner will be loyal and confident, caring and kind, generous and funny, educated and flexible. That our chemistry will unite. I want the 100% happiness. I want the company at hockey games, and the romantic candle lit dinners. I want the realness and the commitment. I almost found that. I was so close. So very close. In fact, if I hadn't taken a huge risk and ended this path in my life, I would have found myself married. But I felt I needed something more. It wasn't about the lack of commitment or compassion or understanding or love. In fact, I learned so much. I learned that my longest relationship, the one I thought would last forever, would have been a disaster if I had gone through with a marriage. I would have ended up divorced, no doubt, for various reasons; lack of commitment, lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of common goals, drives, and family ideas. I learned all of this because of my latest relationship. He showed me what a REAL man is. A real, protective, committed, family man.
But just because in my gut, I knew this was none "the one" does not mean I am not grateful for every moment and every lesson I learned. I learned healing and compassion. I learned to trust my gut. I learned that my career can change and my partner will still support me. I learned that is ok to want a family and it is ok to talk about it openly, dream about, use pinterest to post about it, and have open, real conversations about career, family and life.
So do I feel the gender politics of our society, do I feel that biological clock ticking? Of course. I feel the pressures all around me. But if I have learned anything I have learned that I am building my own path. I have learned more about myself in the past 3 years than I have in my entire life. I am proud of my degrees and my education and standing up for what I believe in. I now believe in healing. I now understand what I want and need in a future husband. I now keep people in my heart and in my mind who have taught me countless lessons. Some will stay there forever, some will fade away once the lesson has been learned, some will be blamed and hated forever for how much they hurt me when I never deserved it. But to sit back and feel discouraged and defeated because I am not following the path of many people my age is pointless.
At 27 years old I have two degrees under my belt, have been to several different countries, can speak two languages, have an amazing, loyal group of friends, and I put others before myself. When that life long partner comes along, I am going to be so confident, so sure, so happy...and it is then, and only then, that I will begin to live the life I always wanted...but in the meantime, I am ignoring what my gender and socialized me to do, and I am paving my own path to happiness.
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