After a short week at school, and a pretty good week overall, I am going out tonight, on a date. And for the first time, I am not nervous, not shy, not feeling like I have to starve myself for days to look ok, and it is ok if my hair isn't perfect either. Maybe it is a sign that I am beginning to be comfortable enough with myself, where either you like me or you don't, and I refuse to be something I am not, in order for you to like me. I have really changed in the last 6 months, and I have been surrounded by a lot of different people lately, that have shown me that I cannot live my life always expecting that people are going to let me down. Nor can I go around in a world of past feelings about myself, I am not in that part of my life anymore, and I have a become a better person....and the reactions from the people in my life show me that I am on the right path, and that really great things can happen once you accept that you have to grow, learn, hurt a little, in order to realize what is really important, and to cultivate new relationships filled with people that truly make you look at life and yourself in a different way. No, I am not the size 6 model, with the perfect body, perfect hair, and no I don't like to live out at the bars every weekend like many people my age, I make tons of mistakes, ....but I still have a lot to offer.....a lot of life experience, a lot of compassion, good morals, passion, and enough sarcasm to entertain a crowd for the night.
I have a problem though. The problem is I don't think my true personality ever comes across on dates, I get too nervous and because I am a constant worrier I always think about the next date, and what to do next and where to go next, I crave the time when things will just be comfortable with one another. I don't mind getting to know new people, I like learning from people different from myself, but at this point, I want to know someone really well, if only there was a way to skip the awkwardness of the first few dates. I want to get to know you, and you to get to know me, and then make fun of each other for our equally insane quirks.
I want to be able to make fun of each other but at the same time, know that nothing I confess, could make him love me less, and vise versa. I want to know that even in my darkest hour
he'll never desert me, that he'll stand by me, and I will stand by him. I am romantic like that (song lyrics and all), I also value loyalty very much, because I have been so burned by a lack of it in the past.
I really think the best way to go about finding Mr. Date, is being friends first. But if that opportunity doesn't come knocking, there is always time for some liquid courage, and going for digits of Mr. Date at a bar. I just wish it all could happen naturally, and maybe when Mr. Right Date comes along, it will be natural, and just all fall into place. Or maybe I should just stop analyzing, I laugh now, at how much I look into things. I make situations a lot more complicated and take them way too much to heart sometimes. But, in the end it just makes me passionate for what I believe in.
People say that people come into your life for a reason, to teach you something.....so whether Mr. Date tonight is here to teach me about the wonderfulness of a free meal, good communication, friendship, the ability to cut a meal short, politely, when things go bad, to realize the spark and understanding that I have been waiting for, to realize they are not all the same, to teach me forgiveness, or to teach me to see life in a new way, or maybe just to teach me to enjoy looking at a nice adam's apple...on this snowy night in February, this night gives me a little bit of sunshine to look forward to (and a break from doing 155 progress reports:)
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