Well here I sit at 6:30 at night at Panera Bread, enjoying a sizzling hot cup of chicken noodle soup to warm up from these April snow showers, and some bread...i swore of carbs for about two days, but now I am reverting back to carbs....justification....carboloading for my run tomorrow.
My great aunt passed away, my gramma was in the hospital, is temporarily back home but will surely be back soon, my brother is moving home for the summer, my parents are financially stressed among other stresses such as taking care of their own parents, I was accepted to graduate school...and all of this to say I have decided to move out of my house this summer. I have this burning desire for independence, financial and social, and a faltering relationship with people at home has prompted this decision. And while I originally was going to live with a friend, I have decided that I need to be on my own....this did not go over well when I brought it up at our family dinner this weekend.
I love my family, I feel blessed to be in their family, my mom gave up her entire life for me and my brother....something I am not sure I could ever do when I have kids. I am debt free, my entire undergraduate work was paid for me, I have been emotionally and financially supported for years, I was raised with good morals, a good heart, and a respectable reputation, all because of my parents. Every school I went to, knows my family, all my teachers loved my parents and commended them on doing such a great job raising me and my brother. They did a wonderful job. I was a good kid, followed all the rules, was a perfectionist to no ones fault but my own, and now my need for indepdence, spreading my wings, having strong opionions that differ from theirs is being viewed as rebelious, ungrateful, and hurtful. Why is there so much resistance when a child wants to move out? Is it because I am the oldest, the relationship with my mom, the way the relationship has changed, because I now challenge things, the loss of control, losing their "last" duty as parents, I don't know. My preference would be to leave home on good terms, healthy terms, happy terms, but there is a major communication break down. I struggle with how much I should give in, and how much is just normal tension during a new right of passage in life. I feel stressed and awful about the situation when I should be excited for this new venture. I hope when I vent to friends and family about the situation I don't make my parents look like horrible people, they are wonderful people, I have so much of both of them in me, but how they are reacting to this situation is not something I agree with...how much do I have control over, how much should I give in when this is my life? I know life didn't always work out the way that they planned for themselves, but why shouldn't my life workout the way I want it to?
Grad school...so excited. I am excited to get a Masters degree. I am excited to learn about a new subject matter. I am excited to counsel and be counseled...I am guessing it is going to give me some pretty intersting insight on the very eventful happenings that have been going on in my life over the last two years. I think it will help me gain perspective on people that are different than me, I think it will make me appreciate my friends more, and appreciate myself more. It is going to be a LONG road, but I am looking forward to going back to school, meeting new people. Getting my Masters is my bucket list, so I feel really good that I am starting the road to accomplish the goal. I felt such satisfaction just getting in, I set a goal and stand for something, and I intend to achieve it and follow through, I don't quit. Let the ride begin.
It is scary being financially responsible all on your own. I am really bad about asking for help. I feel like asking for help makes me seem not good enough, like I can't do it on my own. It makes me feel like I am a burden on people, that I am asking too much. A lot of this is because of past experience, a lot is ingrained in my personality. I need to work on accepting help, and realizing that God puts some people in your life especially to help you during times you need it most. I need to be more open to that idea. Over the past two years I have and continue the battle of finding myself, who I am, what I stand for, saying no, saying yes, who I am on my own, who I am when I am dating someone, confidence in general. I admire the confidence of those my age and older, I admire their comfort with themselves and with their families and I wonder if I will ever feel that 100% sense of "I am ok with me. My family and friends are ok with me, and if they are not, that is too bad, I am what I am, I do the best that I can, I love the most that I can, I am as honest and loyal and helpful as I can be and I am happy."
Two colleagues and friends of mine have been wonderful to me over this school year and especially these last few months. In their thirities, they have been there, done that, and offer wonderful advice, as a well as a home when I need to escape my own. They ask me everyday is there anything I need, what can they do to help, what do I need....it's been a long time since people have come into my life and looked out for my well-being so much, were so compassionate, and funny, and put things in perspective. Sometimes I just need to vent, and they accept me, flaws and all. It is hard for me to open up, because I am afraid I will be judged, people will run away. But I guess I have to learn and friends, true friends, will embrace my issues, not run away from them. I have been told that life in my twenties, growing up, confidence, sticking up for myself with my family, having my friends and family see me for who I really am is a process...it does not happen over night. I am not patient so this is hard for me, but I am trying. I really do have a good heart with good intentions. I am fiercely loyal and always am happy to lend a listening ear. I always wonder if it is enough. I am very thankful for these two teachers and friends that have come into my life...sometimes I feel all alone in this battle...and while I strive every day to be positive and not be negative....I have struggled in a big way with feeling alone before and I am trying to accept the help from people that are around me that can say "we have been there. we are here for you. tell us what you need." so I don't feel so alone in the struggle. Maybe others my age are struggling for their independence, voice, husband, and life path....but I feel like many my age have it all together, and while professionally, academically I look great on paper, I know there is a lot of personal work I still have to do. But, as I was told, that is normal too, it would be abnormal if I didn't feel that, and it is a process. Breathe. Breathe.
So maybe this right of passage is not as liberating as I would like it to be. It's hard, and emotional, and you realize that there are moments in life that separate your kid life and your adult life. You realize you want different things and have stronger opinions and those you used to agree with you don't agree with anymore and those you never agreed with you agree with all the time. You look in different places for friendships, you look for different things out of relationships, different values and characteristics mean more to you now. You count on people for different things, there are new types of stress, and new types of happiness. The perfect relationships on the outside are not has perfect as the seem...happiness is not always 100% happiness. You realize that people give up a lot of themselves to have families and while growing up you saw that as wonderful, you cannot really imagine yourself doing that. You struggle not to lose who you are, yet there is a lot about you that you want to lose and a lot you want to gain. Nothing is as perfect as it seems, yet is the imperfections that you crave sometimes.....
I found a quote that definied what living with integrity means, it hit home in a big way.
"Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are consistent with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe."
I love this quote. It hits every key point of what I value, what I have to learn, what I stand for. And I believe it is on this note that I end my journal entry, and start report card grades......
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