Certainty

Well, I am currently in the middle of memorial day weekend, and loving every minute. A well deserved long weekend, filled with relaxation, getting race ready for next weekend (well at least as race ready as I can get with a bad hip), organizing, spending time with friends, and catching up with some work from school. An interesting event happened today, which made me feel particularly happy about the place I am in my life. It is really funny to me the idea of intimidation and what it makes a person do. Now there is a very big difference between being intimidated, and being nervous or anxious or stressed. Nervousness, anxiousness, stress...all usually inherit characteristics in your personality....they are circumstantial sometimes, they occur when you personally feel there is something to lose from the situation or the outcome. When one is intimidated similar symptoms may appear----one does not make eye contact, heart races, one desperately try to think of what to say, or one may say nothing at all, and then run and hide. The difference lies in this: one that is intimidated must feel guilty on some level about something, or why run, why just the small talk, why not look the person in the eye, there is nothing personally for you to lose, so why feel intimidated? It's the guilt...but just so the situation is not awkward you try to say something quickly, and then kick yourself for how you sounded once you leave the situation, or you may try to convince yourself the other party made it awkward or at least you said SOMETHING...oh, let me reassure you.... everyone noticed your awkwardness and idiotic behavior... the awkwardness and the idiotic behavior portrayed comes in the fact that you were intimidated in the first place. I have to think that intimidation can only happen to a person who is weak, to a person who knows he/she has done something wrong and is not strong enough to confront it. Intimidation reflects the inability to change into a better person, the inability to grow up, mature, apologize, see perspective. Oh, how some people never, ever change.

I, on the other hand, have changed. I have grown and changed in ways that make me feel really good about myself, always trying my very best to be honest and do the right thing. And, I learned that I cannot change other people. I will always keep an open door, because I believe in new beginnings, but people make choices that sometimes have no logical explanation, they just work for them, and are sometimes made at the expense of other people. You just have to hope they are happy with their choices down the line. Many times, you are able to see hindsight before them, but they will have to learn from their own mistakes when reality hits. I see now that you have to be concerned about yourself, what is best for you, surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you, and bring out the change in you.

I have been given a lot of tough lessons over the years. I have battled time and time again to find myself. I realized today that while many doors of many relationships were shut in my face, and scars planted, for each person that left my life, god or someone bigger than me quietly put some really amazing people into my life. I was given a wonderful support system and I have only just started to realize it, and even though I was oblivious to the support because I was too busy worrying about what was long gone, once again, this year, I was blessed to have two more great people and friends come into my life, that have offered nothing but support and a wonderful sense of humor as I try to build the person I want to become. Going through your twenties is not easy...there are absolutely wonderful times that can only happen when you are in your twenties and there are really really horrible times too. I have gotten better about looking at the positive, but I also am constantly anxious and stressed out by nature. All of the good of my personality and all of the bad, have truly been embraced by the people that matter in my life. I have started to develop the mentality where I cannot feel guilty for how I am feeling, and I cannot change my reactions out of fear that people will pull away. I have realized that I tend to hold emotions in, until I am about ready to explode, probably due to past experiences....but now, I am starting to feel comfortable talking, and I realized that talking, to the right people, actually does make me feel better. I am at a point where either you like me or you don't....I am sarcastic, emotional, compassionate, funny, loyal and a complete perfectionist. I worry about the past, I stress out about the future, not a huge fan of change, I apologize probably too often, I have a hard time saying no, I care about how I treat people and I wear my heart on my sleeve....but with all that comes great passion for what I believe in......you have to accept me the way I am, I will not change my personality because someone is offended or does not like it. This does not mean I will not change and learn from people, it just means that I won't accept being betrayed, lied to, or put down because of how I react to situations or because of the very sensitive personality that I was born with. There is still a lot of work I have to do, a lot to figure out, and some days I feel like a train wreck, but I surround myself with people that have let me know that it is ok to feel this way, and they are always there to offer a listening ear and advice. Most importantly, I have realized, with completely certainty, that I am not alone. And on my hardest days, this knowledge, will get me through, and I am completely thankful.

After 12 hours of organizing my life, I am sitting in a VERY clean room, with labels, boxes, and colored coded lists....I hope sleep tonight will be a very real possibility......