I sit here watching the end of Glee, on this chilly December 2nd evening. On my couch, in the house I grew up in for the past 24 years. I realize suddenly that the rustling of papers in the kitchen from my mom, my dad randomly cleaning the top of the fridge in the middle of dinner, making family ice cream sundaes, Wednesday night dinners, pictures lining the walls from a curly top little girl to senior year....all will be behind me. I hear my mom crying because she cannot believe how fast this time went, I hear myself crying because I cannot wait to leave, then crying again because I realize how lucky I was to have such a great upbringing, family, and childhood. I am moving out. I am on my own. I am independent. I sometimes don't even feel like an adult. This is the right thing to do, it's been the right thing to do for such a long time, I am excited and thrilled, and yet I still have an incredibly nervous stomach.
Where did the time go? Really, I can see where my mom is coming from. I may not agree with a lot of what she says these days, but I do agree that time flies. I feel like I just graduated from high school, then just decided to go to MSU, then just decided to go to Spain, then just graduated, then just student taught, then just got my first job, then just got another job, these were 8 very quick years. With lots of memories, lots of lessons, and lots of change. I say I don't handle change well, but really, I am still here, still breathing, still successful, despite all of the change, and I have come a long way.
I think moving out is a risk. I think being completely financially independent is a risk. I think leaving my family is a risk. But a good friend of mine always tells me to push myself, because with risk comes reward. Not being a huge fan of risk, or new situations, I tend to shy away from risk because of the failure rate. I do not fail at anything. However, if you don't risk, you cannot reap the rewards either.
I started this blog one year ago. As a way to express what I was feeling, what I was thinking, sort through new changes, establish myself, help find myself. And as I look back at a years worth of the thoughts spiraling through my head, I realize how much I have grown, changed, and learned. And I can see how much I still have to learn, because I repeat the same behaviors over and over again. This is ok, if I am doing it over and over it just means I have not learned the lesson yet.
Let's see over the past year I mourned the loss of my old self: my college self, my college relationships, my college standards and habits and ways of life. I had to heal the wounds left from clinging onto student status, betrayal, and the tough lesson of disloyalty, getting your heart broken and years of memories to carry on your shoulder. With this pain came a lot of defense mechanisms and wondering why. I soon got a job that I fell in love with and it truly helped me heal in so many ways. I was meant to work at my middle school for so many reasons; comfort, and reassurance, self-confidence and growth, relationships with students that I will have forever, I will always remember my first year of teaching, these kids, and this school where placed in my life for a reason. Along with a great school and great kids, came great friends. Little did I know that a few months into my first teaching job, just a few short steps down the hall, some wonderful people were brought into my life. Professional mentors---of course, they showed me the ropes of teaching in more ways than one. But moreover, they took me in as if they knew me for years. They have taught me so much about my transition between kid and adult, asserting my independence, and learning it is ok to ask for help. They have helped me to open up without feeling judged, pushed me to be the best version of myself, and just plain listened when no one else would. They taught me about fiercely loyal, judgment free friendships, and that not all friends are the same. They showed me that venting and a huge sense of humor will get you through even the worst day. They instilled confidence in me, something that I have always lacked, and always crave. Every up and down, every success and failure, every piece of advice, going above and beyond for anything I need, and continue to need, someone bigger than me knew that I needed these people in my life....there is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that whatever life throws me, I don't have to hide it, there will always be someone there to listen, and more importantly stay...not run, from whatever comes my way.
And amongst all of this, I went on vacation to visit good friends, I went apartment searching and searching again, I joined a new gym, I started grad school, I ran my first 5k, I got another job, I ran another 5k, I developed MEJCUL with my best friend, I got my long awaited surgery, I saw Carrie Underwood...TWICE!, I saw my brother off to his second year at MSU, I saw how old age of my grandparents affects an entire family, I realized that I will never be perfect, but I will strive for it everyday probably for the rest of my life, I realized who matters in my life, why they were brought into my life, and what role they play...I am blessed with wonderfully loyal friends some, I had to wait quite a while for, but I realize why I had to wait, and why they were placed in my life at this time. Some I see everyday, some I see once a month, some I see once every six months. Some are phone friends, some are once a year friends, but no matter how much time passes, I could call any one of them at any time, any day and it be as if no time passed at all. Their loyalty, senses of humor, genuineness, intelligence, life experience, kindness, understanding, is just something that most people don't get to experience...I have a large handful of friends that support me in ways that I cannot even begin to thank them for...and that's the thing....I don't have to thank them, friendship is funny that way, as my friend says.
I realized that I love my family, and we don't agree a lot of time. I realized how much of my family is inside of me and a part of me, and I realized that myself and my family wish we could turn back time and do things differently. We all have a hard time living in the present moment and I strive to work on this.
There is so much to think about, so much to do, when it comes to finding yourself...who you are, what you want, what you have learned, what you need, where you see yourself, where you will end up. Passionately driven and motivated I want all the answers yesterday. I want control over what is happening and what has happened. I want to change the past, I want to control the future. But I can't and this is really hard for me. My body responds violently to this control issue and it is something I will probably struggle with for the rest of my life. It is another lesson I have to learn. I am also really grateful and happy for many things, and when I am happy and when I feel happy, I really relish it.
Finding out who you are is a risk. Change is a risk. These next few years of my twenties will be a risk. And as much that has changed in this past year, I can only imagine what the next year will bring. I will risk, with the thought it mind that with risk, comes reward. And I will not punish myself, I must make myself believe that I deserve the reward.
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