Mindfullness, in the moment

I have started on a new path, and on this new path I have been told to experiment with a concept called mindfulness. A Buddhist concept, not preaching Buddhism, but rather focusing on the now, the present. I was asked if I would be open to this. I am undecided. This cutting edge concept is known to cure anxiety, depression, guilt, eating disorders, even headaches....as well as increase happiness and quality of life. It's a mind game, no pun intended. With a focus on strengths, it is about focusing in the present, meditation perhaps, but for the anxious high strung mind, how does one stay mindful, intuitive, relearning what has been gone for so many years? My research has just begun, and I have not fully accepted the challenge of doing this.

However, I can say, that I am putting myself "out there" more so than ever before, by mere nature of staying in the present moment. I can tell you that there was a time when I never thought I would be understood. I felt like my world was crashing in, trapped by the past, and I was in a battle to find myself, what I stood for, and the intertwined rocky relationships in my life. As I slowly untangle myself from my past, I realize that I now have to feel what I have been holding in for so long. I have grown stronger, more experienced, and learned more than I ever thought was possible about myself and about other people.

I believe in the power of people, and what they can do to you, and for you. I don't believe there are bad people, I believe there are people that make bad choices, that have bad effects on the people in their lives. I focused on the bad far too long. I had the bad surround me for far too long, never realizing the good around me. Never realizing that you have to cultivate the good, and change your attitude towards the good. I believe in the goodness of people, again. Because of others, what they taught me, and what I in turn taught myself, I have become significantly more independent, understanding, compassionate, confident, risk-taking and re-found a part of myself that I lost.

I have realized the profound influence people can have on you---my body reacts to what people do and say to me. I take it in, for better and for worse, and sometimes all the input is hard for me to handle. I am working on healthy ways to handle it all while I am in the moment experiencing it. I have learned the hard way that handling the way that people effect me months and years and weeks later, is not productive.

In this holiday season, I am making it a priority to me mindful. And with mindfulness comes being grateful for what you have in the present moment. I am far from perfect, I struggle constantly with worrying that I will "scare" people off when I face an issue present, or past....but I am learning that the most important people in my life don't scare off that easily, no matter what issue I present them with. However, I think being grateful also means acknowledging that you are willing to grow, willing to learn, and grateful for how far you have come, rather than how far you have left to go. That is what I am trying to do.

I am mindful of the grave teaching economy in this state, and the fragility of my job in the future and so I am grateful for my job and making it half way through my second year of teaching. I do not love it as much as last year, but I am employed, able to live on my own, and still doing what I love. I am grateful that I have started my Masters Degree and I will be done with my MA before I am 26 years old. (Original goal was to be done by 30).

I am grateful for friends pushing me into new experiences.

I am grateful for my new baby cousin and living grandparents.

I have faith that all that I cannot talk about right now, I will be able to express in the future, always keeping myself a priority and other's feeling first.

I am mindful that relationships are learning experiences, I am confident that one day soon, I have prepared myself enough, I am happy enough with myself, that the right person will walk in, and I will realize why it never worked with anyone else.

I am mindful of my sense of humor and thankful that even on my worst day, I still have sarcasm on my shoulder and the ability to make my friends laugh, nothing makes me happier than making other people happy.

I am mindful that people have come into my life for a certain reason, they have left for a certain reason, and some remain for a certain reason:

In the book the Kite Runner, Hassan says to the main character:

"for you a thousand times over"

The true definition of the good in a person. The influence one person can have on you. Self-sacrifice. Doing something for others, before yourself, because it is a priority. I believe that you can be equally defeated and strengthened through other people. I have been both, but most recently I have been strengthened.

I am, in the present, completely mindful, of the fact that my life is filled with really unbelievable friends. My life is filled with many lost friendships, but being in the present moment, I realize now those were small bumps in the road that lead to me to a life filled with loyal, supportive, compassionate, friends, that are also funny as hell, and I truly would be lost without them, added together they have been in my life for over 12 years, and not being a huge fan of change, I take comfort in this. There are the few I have known since I have been 12 years old in middle school, that have seen me through every up and down, and have never once judged me for who I was, who I wasn't, what I was going through, always managed to keep in touch though our lives took very different paths. I find comfort in having people that have known me for so much of my life. There are the few that I met at Michigan State, that I truly didn't even appreciate fully until after I graduated. Their senses of humor and their ability to say it how it is, their ability to give me reality checks, they stood by me through every single terrible struggle in college, they helped me through some of the hardest parts of my life, without ever asking why, and they stood by me through every celebration and success. They are family to me. Then there are the few who I have not known terribly long, although it seems like I have known them for much longer. They have taught me to talk honestly again, without feeling guilty, they have redefined loyal, supportive, friendships 100x over, they have taught me understanding, and keeping a good cup on sarcasm on your shoulder when all else fails. They have made me feel comfortable with myself again, they have listened and listened again, and again at all hours of the day or night, crying or happy, cynical or practical, and never once judged. They have fought for me even when I wouldn't fight for myself and I recently realized that the deep cut I felt several years ago once and for all finished healing. The weight that was lifted was indescribable and it is the one thing these friends will never understand....but in a good way....it is something I will never be able to repay them for, but I am very grateful for.

And so I am mindful, and in the moment tonight, as I sign off with endless possibilities in the year 2010 ahead.
Happy Holidays, Happy New Year....be mindful, be in the moment, try to trust the process, I know I will be trying everyday.