Finding Hope

I'm finding hope. More quickly than expected. Cautiously, but I feel it there.

Be still my heart, patience will reap rewards. Be in the moment.

Surrounded and supported by friends that I have known for years, I felt a sense of relief, a sense of validation, a sense that I have a net to catch me. I deserve this. 

Questions have been answered, and fears dissolved. There is more out there.

I believe finding hope in the moment, a mindfulness act. I preach this to my clients in counseling, and must start to practice in myself. By mindfulness, I do not mean sitting indian-style praying to some Buddha figure. Rather, it means not blaming yourself for your past, but rather using it to learn from, it means not worrying about your past or turning over in your head the "what-if's." It means letting go of the anxiety and pressure of the future. It means focusing on the now. The right now. This moment. And that, I can handle.

The present moment that I experienced last night was sitting with a group of people that are passionate, clever, sensitive, mature, honest, and funny. People that know who I am down to my bones. They understand me, understand life, and will travel with me as I find my new-found hope. 

I may have been waiting the longest, I may want the future more than anyone else right now, but for the first time, in a long time, I realize that I was blind to what I was missing. 

I put it all out there because I believe in being my best self. Why hide?

I only have hid before because I fear others reactions, well, if I am fearing their reactions there must be something bigger there....the hiding is telling me that something isn't right, something isn't fitting. I have not found my perfect fit.

In pondering why this is happening and why people seem to run when I make myself most vulnerable and am most honest with myself and others: I got some great advice:

It doesn't mean it is "your fault" or that you are "too much."  It means the person wasn't the best fit for you.... and that this would likely have manifested in many other ways over the coming years. 

And with that...I am filled with new found hope, clarity and ready to start a new week.....