Starting Over

I live a life of patterns. I look back at some of the blog posts posted nearly 4 years ago and patterns emerge. Patterns of advice, sentiments, words of wisdom and thoughts. I look at some passages today, 4 years later, and they seem to fit the puzzle of my life presently. Almost freakishly. And suddenly I feel trapped. Take a look:


Life is sticky and complicated and filled with many perspectives and disappointments, but I am not the only one to go through this. I think what I learned this morning is that despite the toughest lessons and the most painful circumstances, I have to keep standards for how I treat myself, and how others treat me, and I have to know that I deserve to be treated well. I have to know in my heart, that I am a good person who tries to do the right thing. I am not perfect, by any means, but I try every option possible to make things right, to put myself in another person's shoes, to learn, and listen and to grow. I have to remind myself to not blame myself for every little thing, things do have a way of working out and sometimes that means keeping the door open for new possibilities, and new perspectives to enter in, whether it be days, weeks, months or years later. And until they enter, I live my life, knowing that I am proud of the person I am becoming, the things I stand for, and the compassion I have for the people in my life. 


OR


Why is it that people you are close to run away when you are hurting? Are they scared, do they not care, do they not want to deal with it, do they not know what to do, do they think avoiding it will make it go away? Why aren't people ever willing to listen anymore, to see things from your side, to understand that pain and stupidity do not go hand in hand. Pain does not make you stupid or cloud your judgment, it makes you vulnerable and in desperate need for loyalty....someone who will have your back, some one who will fight for you, someone who will say you are worth it and I am going to do whatever it takes to prove that to you. Some people need reassurance that they are not alone, that they are needed---this is not a bad thing, its a personality thing. Why do people run away when you are just asking for a little loyalty during a painful time in life?

OR

I think it comes with maturity, and experience, to be honest. Because I have been “burned” in the past so to speak with this kind of situation, it has changed my relationships drastically with other people. My experiences have shown me that some people will tell you only what you want to hear, only to turn around and do the completely opposite for no good reason, or explanation. Some people just do not care, or they are so far deep into the situation they don’t know what else to do, some people just don’t know what they want and I think they take it out on the people they love the most, only to find out that when they do figure their lives out, those people are long gone. I don’t think anyone ever sets out to cause harm on a trusted friend, boyfriend, girlfriend etc. I would hope that would not be the goal in these types of situations. I think that circumstances fall on top of each other, and people make choices that are best for them, without thinking of the other involved. Unfortunately, no matter how much you analyze the situation and think about the what if’s. you cannot change people, nor can you change your past. The choices people make often cause a type of pain that is indescribable, and causes you to lose a piece of yourself that you will never get back. 



I often wonder what is it that makes life meaningful? Is it our experiences? Our jobs? The impact we make? Maybe it is our relationships? Our adventures? Our failures? Our mistakes? Maybe our successes? Or our courage to face adversity. 

We only get one lifetime.

My lifetime consists of 26 years and 8 months. So far. And I question how am I making my life meaningful. What am I doing wrong? What am I missing? What is making life so,well, unmeaingful?

Try as I may, I cannot figure out why I am here. I have always thought there had to be some sort of higher purpose for me being here. I suppose I make a difference as a teacher, I suppose that is part of my purpose, the kids seem to like me, admire me even, they say I have changed their lives....but that is just work. It is just part of my life. Not my whole life. 

I have craved connection since I have been very little. Human connection. Through various stages, poor self-esteem, body image issues, shyness, lack of assertiveness, low confidence, and hiding behind a sense of humor I have managed to make some connections, some I thought were very deep and very real, but have only been let down. In fact, the most important connections in my life, have left me. Abandoned me. Left me to get picked up by the garbage men. Like I am waste. Not a person, but just plain waste. 


I have a big heart. I have huge heart in fact. Craving connection. Craving the love, loyalty, sensitivity, and humor that helps to make life meaningful. But it is an empty craving. Because with all the love, loyalty, sensitivity, and humor that I have in my heart, it is never reciprocated. All I give out, the 150% that I give out, do my best, is shunned, turned on me, smacked in my face. I have failed again. 


So if our failures make life meaningful I guess my life does have meaning. I have failed many times. Many people have failed me. I hate failing. I have failed at teaching, I cannot keep up with the demands, politics, grading, planning, and 200+ kids on my plate. I have failed in my personal relationships. Seems that  no one can accept my emotions, feelings, experiences. I have failed to keep people in my life. My faults have got the best of me. Despite my best efforts. 


I value being a good person. A loyal person. A passionate person. A person that makes mistakes, of course, but one that values personal growth and learning from those mistakes. I look around and see all the happy relationships, and friendships, with people that don't posses my qualities....so I question the value of being a good person. Is it worth it? Does being a good person make life meaningful? So far, it has not. 


My heart breaks in a million pieces as I look over this blog of mine that I started back in 2008, and realize just how hurt I have allowed myself to get. Walls build up, I slowly let them down, and I am socked in the heart, only to have to rebuild those walls stronger. How many times can one get knocked down, before one cannot rebuild themselves anymore? 


I am told it is not my fault. That I didn't cause this. I didn't deserve this, I just have to get through this. But again, how many times do I have to "go through this." How many times do I have to write and find perspective, look at the bright side, and find some sort of meaning of a horrible situation. How many times do I have to listen to songs, and poems and find inspiration to help me through the tough times. 

When will it be my time to say, ah, yes, this is what makes life meaningful....
When will it be my time to be happy with the relationships in my life....
When will it be my time to give my whole self, and get it back in return....
When will it be my time to be accepted for all my flaws....
When will it be my time for a happily ever after....
When will it be my time for a family....
When will it be my time to create meaningful memories that wont be lost in the dust, put to waste, and thrown away....
When will it be my time to feel safe.... 
When will it be my time to stop starting over and creating a forever.....


Do I have the strength to start over to find a new meaning in a new life?
Time will tell.