My eyes are hooked to the TV.
And I cry.
I cry so very deeply for the lost little angels in Conneticut's elementary school massacre.
The whole world weeps, but as a teacher, I weep a bit longer, a bit harder, a bit deeper.
In the depths of who I am, I will always be a teacher. I will always be a learner.
My students, those who I influence, will always come first.
I am heartbroken. Cannot look, yet cannot pull myself away from the pictures, stories, and gut-retching details. I am numb.
What would I have done? How would my middle schoolers have reacted? What if this had happened where I teach? I hope to God I never know.
I never believed in heaven until my Grandma died. Now I do. And I hope these lost little angels are in heaven, where my Grandma lives, in a world that is peaceful without violence, where they are without pain, taken care of by the world's lost love ones.
I have learned it is ok to be angry. It is what I do with the anger that is the important part.
I am angry at the gunman, I am angry with many parts of my past. But with anger, comes hate, and that is somewhere I will not allow myself to go.
Life is short.
The world is not perfect, people are not perfect, and my hope is that we can all just find a small corner of happiness in this world....a small space to be yourself, to love, to hope, to see that there is still good in the world.
Today marks a new day for me.
A day of spreading goodness, hope, spirit, love.
I deserve to only be treated with goodness. When that disappears, I no longer wish to be surrounded by the people that bring me down. I send well wishes to the people of my past that have not treated me with goodness, and hope, they too, find their small corner of happiness in this world; and I hope they learn that committment to goodness, kindness, love, and strong relationships is the only way that one can ever find that small, secret corner of true happiness.
Our vulnerabilities are what connect us. I offer compassion to my younger, broken self. And I find myself filled with confidence, goodness, and love as I settle into my very own corner of happiness, gratitude and appreciation. My corner happens to also have a partner. A man. A very good man, whom I fall for more and more each day. Whose arms are safe. Whose heart is kind. Who commits to never wanting to change me. Who commits to a lifetime of ups and downs. Who will battle the violence in the world, quietly, by spreading our own goodness and love for each other and the causes that matter most to us.
To a world filled with bad, I have found my corner of good.
Rest in Peace Grandma, and the little angels of this terrible tragedy. I hope you find your corner of happiness up in heaven.
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