Throwing away the checklist

“I used to think that finding the right one was about the man having a list of certain qualities. If he has them, we'd be compatible and happy. Sort of a checkmark system that was a complete failure. But I found out that a healthy relationship isn't so much about sense of humor or intelligence or attractive. It's about avoiding partners with harmful traits and personality types. And then it's about being with a good person. A good person on his own, and a good person with you. Where the space between you feels uncomplicated and happy. A good relationship is where things just work. They work because, whatever the list of qualities, whatever the reason, you happen to be really, really good together.”
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming


I think we learn the most from those who are different from us. I have spent so much of my life, surrounded by people that are the SAME as me (because I fear change and uncertainty, and crave safety and sameness), that I didn't realize how much I can truly learn by those that are different from me. 

People who grew up less privileged than me, people whose families are drastically different than mine. Sure, it is frightening, and scary, but it also makes me question my deeply-rooted beliefs, prejudices, and what I truly value.

Just because I am no longer using a check-list of certain qualities to determine if a relationship will last does not mean I still do not have high standards. 

This quote explains my newfound beliefs about relationships. Maybe it is because I was in a relationship with someone who was so different from me, someone who grew up so differently than me, has a family so different than mine. It is not about how similar or in this case dis-similar we are, but rather realizing that a particular person does not have the harmful traits of those people in your past. They don't have the flawed personality types of people in your past. They are, to their core, a good , mature, person. When being together doing something, or doing nothing, feels good. There are no questions. No what if's. Things are natural, they do just truly work. 

I could check off a certain height, a certain education level, a certain commitment to family, a certain job, a certain salary...but where has that gotten me? Just plain hurt. I have dated the well educated, career-at-all-costs, financially well off, brilliant family type of guy. But I found that that lead to a spoiled life-style, with family and relationships coming last. 

And so now, I no longer check my qualities off my list. It isn't really about qualities. It is about a feeling of mutual love, respect, and commitment. Friendship. Allowing our differences to flourish. Embracing our scars.  I don't care how much money you make or your wonderful career or how wonderful or weird your family is. It is about the connection. Between you and me.

I have now learned that is about finding someone who doesn't change who they are or what they want. Stability. Someone who commits. Commitment, stability, embracing scars, not running, are not traits I can just check off a list. These are things that connect us. Things that must be shown, not checked off. 

As we enter 2013, I no longer use my well kept checklist that I have used for years to determine if a relationship will work. The check list is gone. It is now all about learning from my mistakes of the past, and avoiding harmful traits. The checklist is blank. Ready to be filled with my partner's own unique qualities he brings to the relationship. Please,be different from me, be drastically different from my original checklist, make me learn and grow and show how how to be a better person. 

Then, allow our different qualities to fold together, let us work, let us grow, and let 2013 be the year where all I have ever wanted becomes a reality and I will get my 100%.


“This is what I know. Don't settle for 40, 50, or even 80 percent. A relationship-it shouldn't be too small or too tight or even a little scratchy. It shouldn't take up space in your closet out of guilty conscience or convenience or a moment of desire. Do you hear me? It should be perfect for you. It should be lasting. Wait. wait for 100 percent.”
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming