"True friends not only protect you from others when something goes bad, but from yourself when you try to take blame."
"Smile and everyone loves you; cry and you find your true friends."
"The truth is, everyone's going to hurt you. You just have to decide who is worth the pain."
Loyalty. That is what is comes down to. Loyalty to ourselves, loyalty to others. I think loyalty is one of our greatest human emotions, well characteristics. I think loyalty builds bonds with others that you never thought imaginable. I think loyalty shows compassion, and trust and honesty a genuine feelings that you will always be there to support someone. On the down side, you have no control over others loyalty to you. I have control issues, I will admit that openly. I hate things out of my control. I hate that sometimes I get so upset and angry I don't know how to talk about it and I take it out on the people I love the most, its not fair to them in any way shape or form, its something that I struggle with, and consistently try to work on. I consider loyalty something you DO have control over though. I may not be able to control someone else's loyalty towards me, but I can control my own loyalty towards someone else.
As my quotes suggest, loyalty truly is having each others back. Not only sticking up for a friend, family member, girlfriend, boyfriend, co-worker etc, but also reminding you NOT to blame yourself. Guilt, it can be deafening and heartbreaking and depressing, to be honest. Guilt that it was all your fault, situations can so easily be turned into blaming yourself, and if no one is there to defend you, you end up digging this huge hole inside yourself that is near impossible to get out of, and if and when you do, it leaves a massive scar. This is where loyalty comes in: imagine a impossible situation, a situation that is so painful you can barely talk about it without crying. People attacking you from every angle, you have no chance to survive. You start blaming yourself asking you what you could have done differently, what you should have said or done to prevent this from happening. Sure there were three, four, five people involved in the situation, but somehow you lay awake at night wondering WHAT YOU did wrong, not what they did wrong, but what YOU could have done differently. What if you wouldn't have been so oversensitive, what if you would have something sooner...the what if's will kill you. Imagine that the one or two or five people you are in the situation are your closest friends or family members, and they won't stick up for you, they won't even listen. They pretend to listen, but they don't. They say they will make changes, but they don't. Years and years of trust and memories and a shared history and yet no one believes you....they no longer have any loyalty to you, believe me, you will never feel so alone.
Why is it that people you are close to run away when you are hurting? Are they scared, do they not care, do they not want to deal with it, do they not know what to do, do they think avoiding it will make it go away? Why aren't people ever willing to listen anymore, to see things from your side, to understand that pain and stupidity do not go hand in hand. Pain does not make you stupid or cloud your judgment, it makes you vulnerable and in desperate need for loyalty....someone who will have your back, some one who will fight for you, someone who will say you are worth it and I am going to do whatever it takes to prove that to you. Some people need reassurance that they are not alone, that they are needed---this is not a bad thing, its a personality thing. Why do people run away when you are just asking for a little loyalty during a painful time in life?
Is it true, as my quotes suggests that everyone, at some point or another is going to hurt you, and you have to just decide who is worth the pain. I would hate going through life like that, but my track record with relationships have proven this true. I have had many close relationships cause me more pain that I ever thought possible. I always think well it happened once, it wont happen again...it happened twice, it really cannot happen again, I mean how many times can lightening strike? But then, once again I am burned by the fire. Are there certain personalities that just repel loyal, true, friends. Maybe mine is one of them, maybe I am just too sensitive. I guess there are worse things than wearing your heart on your sleeve though....you just get hurt more often when you do. Where are the ones that will stand up for you no matter what, no matter what you are going through no matter what mistakes you made, have your back because that is just what friends do, the ones that support years of history the family members that supports years of memories and remind you that the past is the past, and you cannot let the past screw up the future or blame yourself....where are those people? Is is true that we have to DECIDE who is worth the pain, because let me tell you, I have convinced myself that several people who have betrayed me are worth the pain....I have worked so hard to repair these family relationships and friendships, and I feel that I am always turned down which it turn creates more pain for me. How long do you fight for someone, before you give up? How long do you fight for someone, until you have to stop, and wait for them to fight for you? I like fighting for the people I love, I like showing my loyalty, sure I have flaws and have faltered in my roles as friend, daughter, girlfriend etc, I am far from perfect.... but my loyalty to those in my life, has been unshattered. I just don't understand how people who have been your life for so long, can just walk away.....maybe if a relationship ends, if the loyalty isn't there, its because it never really existed. Slowly, new people come into my life, and show me traces of their loyalty to me, and a little bit of hope is restored in my heart, and little by little the holes in my soul that have been left my the pain of dishonesty and a lack of loyalty slowly start to fill, and I day after day keep giving my loyalty to the people I love...hoping one day, I will get it back in return, not because they have to, or feel obligated to, but because I am a good person and a good friend and a good daughter and a good girlfriend and they want to give that gift of loyalty back to me. Loyalty is earned, and once gone, it can be rebuilt, one you decide who is worth the pain, loyalty cures a lot of old wounds......its not easy, but its possible....and I think loyalty is best viewed from a glass half full vision.
I am not an expert on this stuff, I just have experiences that have made me think about the issues, and thus have had to decide what to do with circumstances I have been handed. All of this to say..... be kind to yourself, don't blame yourself (too much), know that shutting the world out because someone broke your heart or someone lost their loyalty towards you, will only harden your spirit, and no one is worth that kind of pain. As my girl Carrie Underwood says, "when life gets that much harder, it makes you that much stronger." Good people, get good things in return...the bad ones, well I don't really believe in bad people, just good people that make poor choices and aren't able to see a well deserved perspective---and to those I guess I would say what comes around goes around, and you will be a better person because of of the strength you earned by having those less than favorable choices placed into your life. Loyalty is a tricky thing, it cannot be seen, it cannot be controlled, but it can be felt...the bad kind and the good kind.....but as we try to figure out how loyal life will be to us, warm pajamas, a bed, and an early bedtime seem pretty great.
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