Blessings in Disguise

These last few weeks have been blessings in disguise.

I deserve to be treated SO much better.
I am allowing myself to have bad days and good days.
No one else judges me for having them, so why should I?

I give 1000% to everyone around me, now it is time to give that 1000% back to myself.
I have 1000 people on my side. A friend told me that. And typed it out. And I blew it up. And it hangs on my wall. And it is true.

On my my most lonely, most sad day, whether 2 in the morning or 2 in the afternoon I could call ANYONE, and they would pick up. People that I have known for 2 minutes or 2 years have offered to help in any way they can. It did not have to be like this, and in the deepest parts of me, I know there is something bigger going on.

But each us has to be honest with ourselves in our own time. I have been honest with myself and my internal struggles, I cannot force that internal honesty on anyone else. What I can say, with certainty, is living a life repressing your true identity, your true self, is terminal. I don't wish that pain or internal struggle on anyone.

I work with clients, many in the LGBT community, who struggle daily with their identity, their sexuality, who they are, trapped in lives that they know don't feel right, but they don't know how to re-start their life, they can't even figure out what they are really feeling inside...and I work hard to provide a safe environment to empower them to become their truest selves. It is a long, hard, terrifying struggle, but I value being honest with your true identity.

I practice what I preach. I wouldn't tell any my clients, those in the LGBT community and others not in the community anything that I wouldn't practice myself. It would not be authentic.

Maybe it is my innate ability to be understanding and accepting of different types of people, maybe my chosen profession has not only changed my clients, but myself as well. As I advise clients to be honest with themselves and make their current struggles present, honor them, untangle them, be honest with them, and you will find your true self, I too, have done the same thing right along with them.

It takes great courage to realize who you really are and what you deserve, especially when you feel like the world is against you. It takes honesty and bravery, strength, and a great sense of humor.

I am brave. I am honest. I am funny. I am surrounded by 1000 people on my side.

People have the right to change their minds, but with change, must come explanation, without explanation change is just cowardly.

Human emotions fascinate me. They also terrify me. But the difference now is that I am not afraid to explore them or reach out for help when I need to. I reach out...and people come running toward me.

I can survive a lot. I can tolerate a lot. But I WILL NOT tolerate being treated poorly. Being treated like I never existed. Being treated like I never gave a damn.

I am confident, and strong. I am independent and have sarcasm that runs a mile wide.

I am a good friend, and have very few enemies.

Advice to all: DO NOT get on my bad side.
I WILL stand up for myself,my wants, my needs and I WILL NEVER back down.
No one will block me from what I want out of my life.
I AM and ALWAYS WILL BE A FIGHTER.
DO NOT tell me something you do not truly mean. SPEAK CLEARLY!
I WILL ONLY take responsibility for my actions and my feelings, never yours.
I WILL NOT be lied to.
I don't do drama.
I speak my truth.
I am DAMN confident and intelligent and no one will EVER get the best of me. 

I live for awkward moments that make life entertaining.
I had a recent conversation with someone new that just changed my whole out look on life.
This person reminded me what I am all about....laughing...making other people laugh...using my dry sense of humor to ease pain and discomfort...to better the people around me...I forgot what it was like to share a true love of life and sense of humor with someone. Even if just for a brief moment. It felt glorious.

I align myself with people that value the same things as me. And that want the same things out of life as me.
My journey to this place has been a challenging one...but I do believe everything that has happened has just been a blessing in disguise.

I am renewed. I am empowered. I have the loves of my life surrounding me.
I am a role model for those that come after me.
This explains it all......



In the deep of the dark, you fell in as the heart

Of your world went down in flames
To a cauldron of pain, seeing no way out


And as you walked through the fire
Losing even desire it was like a dying swan
To look at you then but look at you now


You have found a new lease on life
A stronger step and a curious calm on your face
That you wear as if to say


You can rise from the ashes again
You can rise to the morning that breaks in your eyes
For what looked like your heart's demise
Has turned out to be a blessing in disguise
It has worked for the good, like you heard that it could
But it was hard, so hard to believe
Standing among the ruins of a dream


But from here looking back, you can see clearly that
You can gain from things that you lose
And learn many ways by many means


You have been an inspiration to me
And all the volumes of hope your revival can speak
Will always say to me


You can rise from the ashes again
You can rise to the morning that breaks in your eyes
For what looked like your heart's demise
Has turned out to be a blessing in disguise 

-Laura Ashton

A Spectator of Life

I am merely a spectator of life...

I see happiness and people floating by.

I see births and deaths.
I see babies. 4 brand new baby girl cousins.
I see that I want that, but will never get that. 

I see friendships come and go.

I see terror and the fight for world peace.

I see hurt. Huge hurt.

I see chances and choices.

I see change.

I see momentary courage.

I see fleeting optimism. 

I see failures.

I see nothing more to look forward to.

I see a dream of my own funeral...and no one is there. 

I see that they have all run away.

I see a future that I don't want to live anymore.

I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Today I hang my head down low,

I am just not sure quite where to go.

Not long ago I was swept off my feet,

A beautiful romance, one that couldn’t be beat.

A beginning filled with discovery and fun,

I realized my life had just begun.

I poured out my whole heart and my entire soul,

A commitment was made, and I felt completely whole.

Vacations and long talks, our priorities were the same,

Meeting families was the next part of the game.

We all got along so well, And from the outside,

We were as happy as anyone could tell.

Yes things went fast, yes this was a first,

But we talked extensively, and agreed that this would work.

We earned our 5 minutes of fame and more memories made,

We celebrated everything, and provided support when births and deaths came.

Notes were written and books given as gifts as well,

Telling us our journey was just beginning, and so many more good things, the future would tell.

The peaks and valleys waxed and waned, I never thought I would be so shamed.

The support had fallen, minds had changed too,

But I had no idea the ending would have been handled like this by you.

There are so many questions and so much left unsaid,

I would have compromised the world to still be sharing the same bed.

I wish I had more answers, I wish I knew where it all went wrong,

I wish the last two years wouldn’t have lasted so long.

What was the fear? Where was the break-down? Why did you quit?

I would have talked forever, just to realize we were still a good fit.

Compromise, communication, history and love,

Spilling your soul for someone you adore.

If it wasn’t mean to be, then I ask God WHY?

Why put me through this, only to see me cry?

I have cried so many tears throughout the year,

If there is a lesson here, I do not see it very clear.

I would have waited and traveled and watched for the time to be right,

But instead I sat blindsighted, and now I must try to re-start my life.

Everyone tells me there is something bigger going on,

But it is still so very hard to just move on.

I see all my past relationships presently tied to another, living a seemingly happy life,

Smiling in their wedding pictures next to their new beautiful wife.

Why is this not happening to me, I want this so much, 

I suppose life is just NOT fair, each time I see a new photo, I feel like my body gets a punch.  

How do you fall out of love so quick, how do your feelings change in one months’ time,

If there is more to it that what I was told, share your true feelings, now is the time to be bold!

I feel like the answers that I got didn’t make sense, such a rash decision

Its goes against all common sense.

If it wasn’t meant to be, then why did we share a home,

Was it all based on hoping things would get better, or was I always, ultimately, alone?

I'm torn between love and hate, and in time my wounds will  become less sore

I hope you find what you are looking for, 

but for now, I must show myself the exit door

How do I prevent this from happening again, if I am really not sure what went wrong,

Will there be a sign, when I am ready to move on?

Will there be a moment, when I meet the right man,

When I know, that my tears, will not be a part of his plan.

I have been through pain before, more pain than anyone should ever bare,

At this point, I am not sure how many more feelings I can share.

I may never get answers, I may never understand,

But I hope the past teaches me something, so that next time, I can be dealt a better hand.

Now is the time to see who else is out there, who can be my partner in crime,

Realize that the best relationships are hard work and take time.

I give 100% to everyone I know; kind, loyal, funny, honest and willing to grow.

I hope one day someone can see, that all of these things are the most important parts of me.

My heart is broken, my strength is weak,

But if the right person comes long he can surely sneak a peek.

Peek into my soul, my newfound man, and see how much good there is to be found,

I promise I will never let you down.

I will turn the world upside down to make your dreams come true,

I will be a loyal partner to our relationship and to you.

I will be a good mom, wife, travel partner and friend,

I will be there until the very end.

Peek into my soul and see my strength and scars,

Know that we will have to use them to become who we are.

Don’t be scared off, accept the good and the bad,

And I promise you this relationship won’t just be the latest fad.

I cannot promise you life will always be perfect and that I won’t ever be sad,

But life isn’t always about being perfectly glad.

Life is about weathering the storms, understanding each other, and

Being ok with the norm.

I am not perfect, and you won’t be either,

But I still remain a true believer.

Relationships are more important than any accomplishment I ever receive,

And so I can promise you I would never leave.

In time my original confident and independent life will start again too, 

These are not steps backward, but rather steps forward to start something new.

I have inner strength that I dig for each day, and deep down I do know that I will be ok.

To end these thoughts, I turn to a song, dedicated to the one, that has yet to come along....

I might have to wait, I’ll never give up
I guess it's half timin' and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life.........................................

Someday, Oneday

I yearn for the day when someone says to me:

“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.” 

But then again....maybe it is time to be my own best friend, an inate gesture of friendship to myself, and say these exact words to ME, my own self. I was told the other day that if life is just too painful,you feel like you have lost your way, and your thoughts are too much to bare, just be kind to yourself.....Be kind to yourself, Amanda, and you will see change.....

 “Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing...for the better.”  -Elizabeth Gilbert

Straight from the Doctors Mouth

                                                              Feeling terribly sad tonight.
                        I guess I wanted some evidence. Even though I already knew the results.
                                                At least it is even what the doctor ordered. 
                        Even your brain feels "blue." It's Neurospychology. I don't make this up.

Lucky 13

I Found This Intriguing. 

The Lucky 13.

13 Rules of Relationships. 

Galway Kinnell et. al.

Good Reads.

1. Overall, there are moments with the person you love that make you really, really happy. Those are the good moments. But the majority of the bad moments you are shut out. You never forget the good times, but you will also never forget how they hurt you more than anyone you have ever known.

2. I believe in karma, what you give is what you get returned. I believe you can’t appreciate real love until you’ve been burned. I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side. I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye.

3. Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve
learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated; some people, no matter how many birthdays they celebrate, they never grow up, never develop the tools to deal with real life. 

4. Confidence and smiles do indeed cover painful wounds. But they are a band-aid. The deep wound is still there. The trick is to not cover up the sore, gently take the band-aid off, so that your wounds teach you something. They remind you where we’ve been and what you've overcome. They teach you lessons about what to avoid in the future. 

5. I’m not going to spend my life chasing people. You want to leave? Fine then, go ahead. Because I’m done with chasing and caring for people who lost interest in me. Nothing lasts and people change. I’ve learned love is hard and life isn’t always what you want it to be.

6.  I’ll move on but you’re going to have to go through the rest of your life knowing you turned your back on true love.

7. One day down the line, when you’re thinking about how much you miss me, and you see me happy with someone new, remind yourself this is what you wanted.

8. It’s the worst feeling in the world to love and hate someone all at the same time. And it’s hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same. 

9. I know I shouldn’t take everything personally. Most of the time it’s not about me but more about who they are. .

10. And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.

11. I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.

12. Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.

13. We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

Let our scars fall in love.

My Confidence

Today, I feel confident. I feel renewed. I feel unstoppable. I feel loved. This is the part of me that you are never gonna ever gonna take away from me........


"I like being a strong independent woman, and to be honest, I was never afraid of being on my own."

-Dido Armstrong

"I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay."

Virginia Satir
American psychologist and educator, 1916-1988

Costco Samples

Please excuse the strange analogy, but I had the funniest ironic run-in today.

So I went to Costco, and they happened to have some awesome samples, and some really piss-poor samples. I started talking to the nice sample man, young college guy, clearly not knowing what to do with his life, but hey, he has a job, sort of.

We get to chatting about relationships and samples. He began explaining to me that all this time spent with samples has really had him wondering about his relationships...how so, I ask. 

Here was his story (and yes, I am paraphrasing, the guy was either dumb as rocks, or high on some kind of drug)

*In the worst relationship of my life I was totally treated like a sample. Ya know, at first, you are trying something new out. This chic was trying me out, seeing how I tasted, seeing if she'd enjoy me. At first, she liked me a lot ya know, like a fuckin' good sample...she liked me, liked what I had to offer, even if just in small doses. Then she liked me so much she fuckin' bought the product to take home, well bought me, well not really bought me, but ya know hooked up with me, dated me, but you get it. Each week, when you run out of that great sample, you come back from more, and my girl she kept coming back for more. We enjoyed each other. This went on for a while, ya know. Sometimes you just get sick of that sample, man, you eat it so much, it start tasting the same, and it's not new anymore, or exciting, the new cereal tastes just like the rest of your cereals, the fucking novelty is gone. So you throw it away. You stop buying it. Well mam' my girl stopped buying me, she just stopped being into me, I guess I wasn't interesting anymore. See...like a sample, that gets old and boring, they just throw ya away. Stop buying ya. Those poor samples, ya know, still good products, but just not good enough anymore. 

This kid was a trip, but I took a step back, and realized maybe he has a point. 

Maybe all relationships are like samples. 

People try you out, if they like you, they keep you around for a while, but when they are sick of you, bored of you, don't really like the taste of you anymore, they throw you away. Maybe we are all just good samples flowing around....getting tried out, kept around for a while, and if our taste buds remain the same we are kept around for a while, as soon as those taste buds change, as soon as there is a new product out, we jump ship, ready for the next best thing.

If that is the case, I think I will stay away from the samples from right now, the thought of just living life being tried out, until something better comes along, frankly, makes me lose my appetite.

Until next time.....

"When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love."

-Helen Fielding

Dear Gramma and Papa

I went on a new adventure last night. It was interesting. Filled with mixed emotions.  Excitement, nervousness, confusion, comfort, frustration, but really it made me think of my Gramma and Papa. Their life, and more specifically their relationship. I decided to write a letter to them. Here we go: 

Dear Gramma and Papa, 

Does the kind of relationship that you both shared still exist? 

Gramma, I know I could have asked you, but your sudden death 2.5 years ago prevents me from having that conversation with you presently. I am saddened. There is so much I want to ask you. So much left unsaid. And now, especially now, I need your advice.  I hope you are doing well, and happy, and pain free. I'm cooking a lot now. Turkey burgers, and turkey surprise, your chilli, and pineapple chicken, banana bread and french toast. You would be proud of me.

Papa, you are still very much here, but you don't like to talk about these things. I have asked you about a few questions I have had, but I wonder what gramma's perspective would be? 

You both met so young, it was your first love, your first kiss, your first, well, of everything. I know the feeling of firsts. The exhilaration, the fear, the comfort, the excitement, the security. Gramma, were you scared getting married at 17? Or was it just the thing to do? Did you think about what the future would bring? The trouble that would lie ahead? Or did you just live in the moment? 

And Papa, at 22, what went through your head? Were you scared? Nervous? Did you know for sure you wanted to get married? Have kids? Or did you too, just live in the moment. Your proposal was beautiful, Papa. A romantic dinner with the ring hiding in the pedals of an orchid set on the table between the two of you. I think I get the romantic part of me from you. I live for the day that I get to experience something like that. 

Your early years were filled with so much bliss, so much happiness. Brothers and sisters, family, and love. But soon after, from the stories I was told, adversity struck. And here is where I now come to respect your relationship so much more, more than I ever have before.

Your first child brought you a still born son. A full delivery to a child that would never live, thrive, or even have a name. Tragedy struck. But you both held onto each other. You could have run, you could have divorced, but you stayed. How did you make it through that? What made you stay and not run? I need to know what that quality is, so I can find it my partner one day. What is it that held you down to work through the tragedy?

You were blessed with two beautiful girls after that. Did the joys make up for the tragedy in your past? Did your girls fulfill your wishes? Were you nervous to be a parents? I know money got tight, and you shared one car throughout most of your growing parenting years. Long hard hours at the post office, leaving your family at home, but knowing you were taking care of them. Did you miss them? Did your work satisfy you? Or did you treat work as just a part of your life? How did you decide what to give up? I know it was a different time, I really do, but I still admire your choices and wonder how they came to be. 

Gramma, I know you let papa have boys nights out, I so admire that quality in you as well, as you gave Papa his space, even though you spent many days home alone raising the kids. 

But Gramma, what pain were you hiding? What allowed you to eat your pain away? To become so overweight that your health and life was at stake? Was it holding in your emotions out of fear of how papa would react? I only ask, because I have done the same thing. Holding things in for the one I love. I finally had to let it out though, for my own health, because I didn't want to end up like you, I didn't want to have your health. So I spoke. I spoke my truth. And I was hit with a sharp knife of rejection. Were you afraid of that too? I don't blame you for keeping it all in,because the pain of exposing your soul, your vulnerabilities and then being slapped in the face leaves you with a permanent scar on your heart. I wish you were here right now to help mend that scar, to tell me that I was right to speak the truth, and that I should learn from your mistakes. But right now, my beloved grandmother, I am just not sure about anything, or if anyone will accept me, for just being me. I am a talker at heart, and I crave conversation and feel like I deserve conversations to help me understand, and I am just granted that opportunity too often. Heartache at 15 feels devastating, but at almost 27, you feel panicked, confused, angry, and are filled with more questions that an teenager would even venture to answer. 

Papa, did you notice the pain Gramma was in? Did you choose to ignore it? Did you notice her weight gain as a source of emotional pain? Or being so non-confrontational, did you just let it go?Do you regret that decision now? Do you think it would have changed gramma's young death? Do you take blame? 

So many unanswered questions for both of you....but from the naked eye, what I saw was devotion. I know I may never get these questions answered, and I struggle with that, because for my own relationships I want what you had. I want the mistakes, and the questions, because in reality no relationship is perfect. I want your relationship because you were self-less in your love for each other. You gave up so much for each other. 

Gramma, your health worsened over the years, and the one thing you told me over and over again was thank god for papa. Because despite an argument the night before, or his late nights of drinking or your problems with food...you ran to each other's side when it came to the important things. You communicated. You made decisions together. You stayed. 

Surgeries, and near death situations would have torn any normal couple apart. Not wanting to deal with the realities of routine, and recovery, hospital stays, and medicine. Less money, more expenses. But even as the tough times and depression set in, you stayed. Sure, I have heard stories of sleeping in separate bedrooms, stories of stubbornness, and picking at each other's nerves. But you stayed. I don't think you were happy 100% of your life. In fact, I know you weren't. But somehow, that wasn't a deal breaker. Your family, your core values, your kids, each other, remained the priority.

Vacations were spent up north and at mackinaw, not flying around the world. Money was tight. But that was ok. It was not expected, not what you planned for your life, but it was ok. It remained ok for 60+ years. I honor your values, and the fact that you did not throw money at your problems...you threw love at your problems.

Gramma, I can only imagine how much independence you felt you lost when you could not longer drive, then could not longer walk without a walker, then could no longer sit in the car for long, then could no longer visit your family or attend graduation parties or graduations from college. I sit here and tear up for how much you missed. I know only 1/10 of the pain you felt from missing out. I get angry sometimes at you for not taking action and doing something about your health, angry at papa too for not saying something, but then I must stop and remind myself that you still stayed with each other. These were mistakes you made, that you both made, but you never left each other's side. 

Soon, going to the bathroom on your own got difficult, you couldn't attend holidays or even go to breakfast with papa. Papa...what did that do to you? Do to your soul? your aspirations? Your wants? Again, what made you stay?

You were SO committed to each other, that even though Papa could attend the graduation events, parties, and breakfasts, he wouldn't go because he did not want to live gramma at home. My heartbreaks that you had to make that compromise, but it breaks again when I realize why you did it. Self-less love. Devotion. Loyalty. Commitment.

After traveling in the Army, you put your love of travel aside to commit to marrying Gramma. You raised, played with, supported, and cared for beautiful girls even though you had never held a baby in your life. You both went through the tragedies and the celebrations of life. Family was #1. Always. You both live for your children and grandchildren. I know times have changed, and people are busy with schedules, and phones, computers, careers, but I value your sense of family, and am humbled by your commitment. And no matter how many years in the future that I live, I will continue to seek out that kind of relationship for myself. I often wonder why I have lost relationships, the ones I thought were "the one" but maybe it is because I have not found the modern day version of your relationship. Maybe that is what I have been waiting for all along. 

With Papa down here, and Gramma up there, I hope the two of you can still work your self-less magic, and help steer me on the right path, the right direction, give me the hope, place the person in my life that I can spent the next 60+ years with. Give me a sign that he is "the one." Believe me, when that person comes, I will honor it, respect it, be myself it in, not take it for granted, be loyal do it, laugh with it, stay with it, and everyday, think of the both of you, and remember the truly important things in life.

I love you both very much, 

Amanda

Behind these Hazel Eyes

Kelly Clarkston: I've always enjoyed her music. I've enjoyed her in general. Her self-confidence, her ability to use real life experience in her lyrics, her ability to make herself vulnerable. I had a yoz date with an old friend today and this song came on the radio. The song lyrics split my heart in half, as I realized its meaning. Never thought about it before. And in between the delish yoz, great conversation, and laughs, I was brought back to my reality of confusion and heartbreak.

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on


Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes


I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

A Visitor

I cannot take credit for this, unfortunately. But I found it, and I just loved the message. Embracing it myself, and sharing it with my clients.

When it comes to sadness,  separate it from your identity and treat it as a visitor. Get to know him well, but get to know yourself better. Be more clever than your guest and memorize his routines so you can find balance. Make time for him and respect him- listen to what he has to say but keep your objectivity. Exercise, be good to yourself, surround yourself with those who love you through it all, and, most importantly, let go of the idea that it’s stupid to be depressed, it's not stupid, it just makes you human.

Finding Hope

I'm finding hope. More quickly than expected. Cautiously, but I feel it there.

Be still my heart, patience will reap rewards. Be in the moment.

Surrounded and supported by friends that I have known for years, I felt a sense of relief, a sense of validation, a sense that I have a net to catch me. I deserve this. 

Questions have been answered, and fears dissolved. There is more out there.

I believe finding hope in the moment, a mindfulness act. I preach this to my clients in counseling, and must start to practice in myself. By mindfulness, I do not mean sitting indian-style praying to some Buddha figure. Rather, it means not blaming yourself for your past, but rather using it to learn from, it means not worrying about your past or turning over in your head the "what-if's." It means letting go of the anxiety and pressure of the future. It means focusing on the now. The right now. This moment. And that, I can handle.

The present moment that I experienced last night was sitting with a group of people that are passionate, clever, sensitive, mature, honest, and funny. People that know who I am down to my bones. They understand me, understand life, and will travel with me as I find my new-found hope. 

I may have been waiting the longest, I may want the future more than anyone else right now, but for the first time, in a long time, I realize that I was blind to what I was missing. 

I put it all out there because I believe in being my best self. Why hide?

I only have hid before because I fear others reactions, well, if I am fearing their reactions there must be something bigger there....the hiding is telling me that something isn't right, something isn't fitting. I have not found my perfect fit.

In pondering why this is happening and why people seem to run when I make myself most vulnerable and am most honest with myself and others: I got some great advice:

It doesn't mean it is "your fault" or that you are "too much."  It means the person wasn't the best fit for you.... and that this would likely have manifested in many other ways over the coming years. 

And with that...I am filled with new found hope, clarity and ready to start a new week.....

Black Cloud

Black cloud hanging over my head

Hang heavy on my shoulders

Fill me up, and pour me out

Black rain on my feet

That's all that's left of me.

Thought to get me through the day

I will always keep an open door, because I believe in new beginnings. When something close to you is taken from your grasp, when your life is turned upside down, this is not G-d or some higher power trying to punish you, but rather clearing you life to be ready to receive something better. 

Starting Over

I live a life of patterns. I look back at some of the blog posts posted nearly 4 years ago and patterns emerge. Patterns of advice, sentiments, words of wisdom and thoughts. I look at some passages today, 4 years later, and they seem to fit the puzzle of my life presently. Almost freakishly. And suddenly I feel trapped. Take a look:


Life is sticky and complicated and filled with many perspectives and disappointments, but I am not the only one to go through this. I think what I learned this morning is that despite the toughest lessons and the most painful circumstances, I have to keep standards for how I treat myself, and how others treat me, and I have to know that I deserve to be treated well. I have to know in my heart, that I am a good person who tries to do the right thing. I am not perfect, by any means, but I try every option possible to make things right, to put myself in another person's shoes, to learn, and listen and to grow. I have to remind myself to not blame myself for every little thing, things do have a way of working out and sometimes that means keeping the door open for new possibilities, and new perspectives to enter in, whether it be days, weeks, months or years later. And until they enter, I live my life, knowing that I am proud of the person I am becoming, the things I stand for, and the compassion I have for the people in my life. 


OR


Why is it that people you are close to run away when you are hurting? Are they scared, do they not care, do they not want to deal with it, do they not know what to do, do they think avoiding it will make it go away? Why aren't people ever willing to listen anymore, to see things from your side, to understand that pain and stupidity do not go hand in hand. Pain does not make you stupid or cloud your judgment, it makes you vulnerable and in desperate need for loyalty....someone who will have your back, some one who will fight for you, someone who will say you are worth it and I am going to do whatever it takes to prove that to you. Some people need reassurance that they are not alone, that they are needed---this is not a bad thing, its a personality thing. Why do people run away when you are just asking for a little loyalty during a painful time in life?

OR

I think it comes with maturity, and experience, to be honest. Because I have been “burned” in the past so to speak with this kind of situation, it has changed my relationships drastically with other people. My experiences have shown me that some people will tell you only what you want to hear, only to turn around and do the completely opposite for no good reason, or explanation. Some people just do not care, or they are so far deep into the situation they don’t know what else to do, some people just don’t know what they want and I think they take it out on the people they love the most, only to find out that when they do figure their lives out, those people are long gone. I don’t think anyone ever sets out to cause harm on a trusted friend, boyfriend, girlfriend etc. I would hope that would not be the goal in these types of situations. I think that circumstances fall on top of each other, and people make choices that are best for them, without thinking of the other involved. Unfortunately, no matter how much you analyze the situation and think about the what if’s. you cannot change people, nor can you change your past. The choices people make often cause a type of pain that is indescribable, and causes you to lose a piece of yourself that you will never get back. 



I often wonder what is it that makes life meaningful? Is it our experiences? Our jobs? The impact we make? Maybe it is our relationships? Our adventures? Our failures? Our mistakes? Maybe our successes? Or our courage to face adversity. 

We only get one lifetime.

My lifetime consists of 26 years and 8 months. So far. And I question how am I making my life meaningful. What am I doing wrong? What am I missing? What is making life so,well, unmeaingful?

Try as I may, I cannot figure out why I am here. I have always thought there had to be some sort of higher purpose for me being here. I suppose I make a difference as a teacher, I suppose that is part of my purpose, the kids seem to like me, admire me even, they say I have changed their lives....but that is just work. It is just part of my life. Not my whole life. 

I have craved connection since I have been very little. Human connection. Through various stages, poor self-esteem, body image issues, shyness, lack of assertiveness, low confidence, and hiding behind a sense of humor I have managed to make some connections, some I thought were very deep and very real, but have only been let down. In fact, the most important connections in my life, have left me. Abandoned me. Left me to get picked up by the garbage men. Like I am waste. Not a person, but just plain waste. 


I have a big heart. I have huge heart in fact. Craving connection. Craving the love, loyalty, sensitivity, and humor that helps to make life meaningful. But it is an empty craving. Because with all the love, loyalty, sensitivity, and humor that I have in my heart, it is never reciprocated. All I give out, the 150% that I give out, do my best, is shunned, turned on me, smacked in my face. I have failed again. 


So if our failures make life meaningful I guess my life does have meaning. I have failed many times. Many people have failed me. I hate failing. I have failed at teaching, I cannot keep up with the demands, politics, grading, planning, and 200+ kids on my plate. I have failed in my personal relationships. Seems that  no one can accept my emotions, feelings, experiences. I have failed to keep people in my life. My faults have got the best of me. Despite my best efforts. 


I value being a good person. A loyal person. A passionate person. A person that makes mistakes, of course, but one that values personal growth and learning from those mistakes. I look around and see all the happy relationships, and friendships, with people that don't posses my qualities....so I question the value of being a good person. Is it worth it? Does being a good person make life meaningful? So far, it has not. 


My heart breaks in a million pieces as I look over this blog of mine that I started back in 2008, and realize just how hurt I have allowed myself to get. Walls build up, I slowly let them down, and I am socked in the heart, only to have to rebuild those walls stronger. How many times can one get knocked down, before one cannot rebuild themselves anymore? 


I am told it is not my fault. That I didn't cause this. I didn't deserve this, I just have to get through this. But again, how many times do I have to "go through this." How many times do I have to write and find perspective, look at the bright side, and find some sort of meaning of a horrible situation. How many times do I have to listen to songs, and poems and find inspiration to help me through the tough times. 

When will it be my time to say, ah, yes, this is what makes life meaningful....
When will it be my time to be happy with the relationships in my life....
When will it be my time to give my whole self, and get it back in return....
When will it be my time to be accepted for all my flaws....
When will it be my time for a happily ever after....
When will it be my time for a family....
When will it be my time to create meaningful memories that wont be lost in the dust, put to waste, and thrown away....
When will it be my time to feel safe.... 
When will it be my time to stop starting over and creating a forever.....


Do I have the strength to start over to find a new meaning in a new life?
Time will tell.

Another New Year...Welcome 2012

Welcome 2012!
What an amazing, whirlwind this year has been.

My gramma always used to say "good things come to those who wait" and while I wish she was here to see that come true, I know, in spirit, she sees that saying coming to life as I enter the most exciting time in my life.

Life takes you on a strange ride. I think back five years ago. January of 2007. I was student teaching in a high school and a city that I never thought I would end up in. Living with my parents was a constant struggle. I yearned for my independence. I wanted life to be stable. Besides my best friend Angela, whose apartment I lived in part-time, nothing in my life was constant. Student teaching brought a new challenge each day, graduation was looming, as was a job search in this depressed Michigan economy. Friendships were changing, life was changing. What was supposed to be one of the most exciting times in my life, turned out to be one of the most depressing. Completely unsure of myself, trying to desperately hold onto the past, only to find out my tightest grip would not be able to hang on for long.

My first job, just a mere four years ago began to change my life. New friends, new people, a job that I loved. Moving out of my parents was the first major life changing event. It was the first time that I began to take care of myself, and put myself first.

The next few years brought closer friendships, counseling grad classes that made me look at myself, my past, my future in a brand new light. I was suddenly more self-aware than I had ever been. I was surprised at what I found out about myself, the person you are supposed to know best. I had so much growing up to do. So much to learn about myself. So much to learn about the mistakes of my past.

The next few years brought three different school districts, some very "interesting" dates, many disputes with parents, changing friendships, and learning what I really wanted from my life. There were weddings and babies and engagements (and many more anticipated 2012 weddings, babies and engagements to look forward to) Life challenged me to embrace change, when I spent my whole life running from it. Stress hives and all, I adapted. I made the best of the situation, but was not completely happy, rather, I was hiding behind a happy face.

My dating life:

Well, let's just say my very limited dating experience could be a academy award winning movie. I went with the attractive guy with no personality, the big man with no romance, the man who opened his shirt on the first date to show me his gigantic scar and asked me if I wanted to touch it (this relationship was short lived by the way) the man with the boat and small stumpy hands, the man with no chemistry, the man with religion...who liked the torah just a bit too much, the man who couldn't spell, the man who stared at me as I talked for 3 hours, the man who could not hold an intelligent conversation for the life of him, the videogame man, and the man whose heart I broke. For those of people who said I didn't put myself out there enough, fuck you all.

My advice to those dating: it is overrated. Awkward. Uncomfortable. Emotional. Depressing. Distressing. Wait until you are ready. It is ok to cry. It is ok to cry a lot. It is ok to have an emergency call from your best friend (Thanks Ang!) during a date to rescue you. Be patient. Be honest. Don't dress like a whore.

I am a quick judge of character when it comes to men. I can tell from the first date whether or not this is going to work. Then, out of advice from friends, I am told to give it at least 2-3 more dates after that to really get to know them a bit more. Sometimes I followed their advice, sometimes I didn't. Bottom line, if you are dreading going on the date, sweating hours before the date commences, contemplating drinking rat poison rather than going on this date, he is probably not the one.

Enter the South Lyon years:

Enter my fourth school district in four years. Of all places, South Lyon. A good boring drive down Pontiac Trial into farm country. I interviewed for a job in South Lyon when I first graduated. It came down to me and one other person. They chose the other person because she had a math major. Come to find out, she now teaches next door to me and has become one of my good friends.

This is my second year in South Lyon. I have a love-hate relationship with it, but it is mostly love.

1. My kids are hilarious. Laugh out loud funny. Smart. Quirky. Silly. Lazy. Infuriating. Generous. Filled with hormones. Teenagers. They keep me on my toes, and it is the kind of environment where I know I am making a difference.

2. I love teaching Spanish one. I love seeing them in the Fall with no Spanish knowledge and then coming out at the end Speaking Spanish...with me, in stores, with their families. It is awesome.

3. I love rapping in Spanish. So do the kids, I wish I could post these videos. They are pure gold.

4. My colleagues. Some of the most genuine, funny, fantastic educators I know. Hard-workers, poke fun at the politics, and would do absolutely anything for you. It it one of the greatest communities I have ever worked in. They keep me entertained, and give me that adult interaction that is SO needed as a teacher.


I won't teach forever. I am currently enthralled with my counseling classes and have fallen in love with therapy, psychology, and counseling. I already feel I am part time therapist with my kids, and the whole field of psychology fascinates me. I still love teaching too much to quit, but in the future, I will slowly ease my way out of teaching as I build my own family and will quietly begin my PsyD program in psychology with the long term goal of becoming a Psychologist and opening up my own private practice focusing on adolescent issues and concerns. I will also most likely get a certification in eating disorders, and would love to open my own clinic dealing primarily with that disorder. I am passionate about it. I have always had a love of helping others. I think I have a unique view, a unique way of healing through hope and humor.

Loss of Grandparents
Dear Gramma(s),
I miss you everyday.
I miss talking to you.
I miss seeing the joy on your face when I tell you good news.
I miss your optimism.
I miss you at family weddings.
I miss you when I get to hold what would have been your great-grandchildren.
I wonder if you can see me.
I wonder if you can see how happy I am.
I wonder if you are watching over me.
I wonder if you can see my new house.
I wonder if you can see that pictures of you will always be a part of my home and life.
I wish you could be at my wedding one day.
I wish you could meet the love of my life.
I wish you could still give me advice.
I wish I could ask you one more question.
I wish I had one more holiday to celebrate with you.
I wish I could hug you one more time.
I wish I could see you complete your crosswords.
I wish Papa wouldn't have to be alone.
I wish you would have taken better care of yourself.
I hope you can see that I wear your wedding ring everyday.
I hope you are pain free.
I hope you are in a place where you are happy and can be with all our other loved ones that have passed.
I hope you approve of what I am doing with my life.
I hope you can see a little bit of yourselves in me.
I hope you can see me doing my best, thinking of others, and taking care of myself.
I hope to see you again one day, and tell you one more time, how much I love you and much you were missed over all those years.
I love you.

Roberto

10/10/2010 changed my life forever. I know, cliche and corny, but totally legit. :)
I went on a date. Well rushed to a date. I was babysitting, last minute, my friend Jen's kids, and babsitting duties lasted longer than expected. After a quick shower at her house, a dash of make-up, and being released of duties, I rushed over to the Starbucks in Northville and met a boy.

Let's track back a bit. Against everything inside of me, on a drunk late morning/evening, I sent a message on facebook to a boy that looked vaguely familiar to me. To my surprise, he replied. And so began our chain of e-mails that would later be kept in the vault of Manda and Roberto. His e-mails were friendly, charming, interesting, and the boy could actually hold an intelligent conversation. Refer back to my dating section to remind yourself that this was an oddity in my past relationship history. I agreed to a date.

As I rushed to my date that unusually warm Fall day, I realized I was not nervous. At all. What was going on!?!? I of course had Angela on call for an emergency situation but I had a good feeling going into the date.

(WARNING: awkward, lovey-dovey description ahead, again, never thought I would be this person, but sometimes this is how I roll, quietly, the romantic side of me slips out...doesn't happen often so pay attention. )As I awkwardly looked at the coffee selections in Starbucks, I turned to my left, and there he was. A walking Gap model, with a blue and red short sleeve shirt, great jeans, and the cutest curly hair I had ever seen. His "little boy" face got my attention right away, and in that moment, I felt a small butterfly fly into my stomach. We sat outside for over two hours talking about our families, our education, our likes, dislikes, and our travel plans. Come to find out that he and I studied aboard in Spain the same summer at the same University! Our paths must have crossed at Michigan State several times, from our Spanish classes, to our cafeteria meals, but the time must have not been right.

A second date at Cafe Habana, and a third date in Downtown Ann Arbor (on school nights mind you) had me convinced that this might actually be something. His sweet demeanor, his ability to make me laugh, his kind, generous nature, his attention to detail, his interest in anything that interested me, and his ability to leave me speechless (and I am not one who is EVER at a loss for words) had me smitten.

Third and Fourth dates turned into impromptu dinners, driving back between Northville and Ann Arbor, long phone calls, long apartment night talks, a mini-vacation to Grand Rapids for a Friend's wedding, meeting families, Christmas and Hanukkah parties, a surprise Valentines day cruise (a vacation in which we both admit sealed the deal for us, we knew, on that vacation that were meant to be with each other), countless birthday parties, meeting each other's friends, checking Spanish papers together, Google Lunches, concerts, homemade dinners, and ultimately, this past Fall, our first home together.

It has been a wonderfully, fast, whirlwind that has completely spun my world upside down. I never thought I would be "that girl" who fell so deeply in love. I have experienced complete and total acceptance of who I am....something I was and still am so self-conscience of. I experienced honestly, and loyalty and trust all over again in a new way, things that have been severely severed in the past. We have learned so much together, being that this our first serious relationship. We have learned how to deal with bickering families, family expectations of us, religious differences (which may I point out that I feel that religion actually tears people apart more than pulling people together. I lost some faith in religion a long time ago. Organized religion feels cultish to me. "you must be like me, you must believe this, you must do everything for god/jesus/buddha. etc." What happened to being a good person, what happened to being open to celebrating everyone's tradition, what happened to living life with an open mind, what happened to free will and not using religion as an excuse for your actions. I know many people will be irritated my this response, but I strongly believe that celebrating traditions with family and friends, being with family, loving the ones you are with, appreciating them, being a good person, doing the right thing, being honest, is more important that any religious figure, any church service, any christmas tree or menorah.) etc. We have learned to cook together, communicate, and learned that fighting is OK.

What I love most is that we are both completely type A and OCD in completely different ways. We each make fun of each other's quirks, and we know we are not flawless. I love not coming home to an empty house. I love traveling the world together. I love feeling safe, and empowered for the first time in my life. I love being supported, and being made a priority. I love sharing a life with someone who is passionate and cares for the same things I do. I love learning about each other, and growing together. I love the possibilities ahead of us in 2012.

I have found my best friend, the love of my life, and the most generous, kind, supportive, intelligent man I ever have met. At 26 years old, I am starting to become the person I have always wanted to be. I am working on the struggles that I have battled for so long, I am working on undoing years of bad habits, unhealthy patterns, and unhealthy relationships. I have started to find my happy and in the journey of finding myself and my independence, I happened to find the man that completes my journey to happy.

My gramma was right....good things, most definitely, do come to those who wait.

Happy New Year!

A summer of LOVE

I see this summer in a whole new light.

In a light I have never quite seen before.
A summer filled with the light of knowing I will be employed in the fall, in a school that I love, with students who keep me entertained, and with staff that keep me sane.

A summer filled with finishing my master's degree, and opening up my counseling and therapy road ahead of me.

A summer of complete contentment, vacations, and new beginnings.

A summer filled with my best friends, who have proven year after year their support, loyalty, and humor. After many years of relationships filled with turmoil, and drama, and secrecy, I am at the point where I can truly wish the people well in those old failed, relationships, and I understand that they served a very important purpose in my life at that time, and taught me very specific lessons that has made me into the person I am today, and has lead me to the most dear friends I could every ask for, friends that will be in my life forever.

A summer where there is some uncertainty, but I know now, that there will always be uncertainty in life. The difference now, is that I have had the good fortune to move into uncertainty with someone I am totally and completely in love with.

I don't fall for things easily. I don't rush into things. I don't allow myself to be vulnerable often. But, I have been swept off my feet in a mere 8 months.
The feeling is quite indescribable. It is like waking up every morning knowing that you have something amazing to look forward to every day. It is this sense of excitement every time you hear his voice, asking yourself how did I get so lucky that is talking TO ME?!?! It is the feeling of having 1000 people in a room, and having him only notice you. It is his ability to make you feel so good about yourself, compliment you etc without you ever asking him to. It truly is like meeting another half of yourself...someone who compliments you...someone who is the calm to your type A, someone who is the listening ear to your talkative nature, someone who is understanding, to your emotions, and someone who can tease you for all your quirks which just makes you fall in love all over again.

Ahh, a summer of love, I really cannot wait!

I accuse you for being perfect for me...

I accuse you for being perfect for me... (Artist...Jaron and the Long Road to Love)

And a long road to love it has been.
My gramma always told me that good things come to those who wait.
I waited. And waited. And waited.
And grew sad, and lonely, but still happy as I watched some of my closest friends find love.
I self-destructed. I put myself down. There was a lot of blame, a lot of hate. A lot of awkwardness finding my way. A lot of loss.

But in an unexpected way....in a time when I found my footing, my true friends, my dream job, my own place, just four days before my 25th birthday, the long road to love wasn't so long anymore.

I have found the man that is perfect for me. His actions, his looks, his sweetness, his intelligence, his thoughtfulness, his acceptance, his loyalty, his generosity, his sharing of his life with me. And then he said...I love you. And it was in that moment that I accused him, yes accused him, for being perfect for me. And I have not looked back.

So on this sunny April spring day, despite any negative things that I may think about myself, or think about this week, I go to him, my favorite person, who looks past all the negative, and brings into my life as much positive as I could ask for.

What a lucky, lucky, girl. If my gramma could only see me now....

This is Love

It is hard to believe that I sit here in negative degree temperatures, staring at the white snow piled up outside, and in 8 short days I will be navigating the ocean on a cruise with my favorite person. No, this is not another girlfriend trip, this is not an outing with my best friend, my favorite person these days is someone who came into my life just four months ago, and my life was forever changed.

Life has a funny way of surprising you when you least expect it. I am relearning so much about myself. Never did I expect to allow myself to open up to someone with so much honestly, and vulnerability and trust. Someone who is quirky, and smart, and makes me laugh and laughs equally as hard at my sarcastic sense of humor.

To feel accepted for just who I am, the way I am. Feeling safe in pajamas and glasses for a lazy weekend, and feeling safe dressed up for an evening out.

I tread down this new territory a bit scared and a bit nervous. Life changes are not something I love. But I do love this boy that has literally swept me off my feet. And because deep down, I know this is so good for me, I take a leap of faith into something I know will be lasting, something that I have waited so long for, something that I look forward to each day.

I think in life you have to take risks. There is so much to fear in a new life circumstance, but running from it, as I have done in the past has proven to be really destructive. But long standing patterns are hard to break. 25 year coping mechanisms of turning inward, blaming, being scared, not facing things head on have left me in a place that I don't want my life to be in. It take a lot of work to shift your cognitive distortions (a cool psychology word I learned and realize how many I actually have)....distortions are simply beliefs you grew up with that have come part of the workings of your brain and you truly believe them. I am working to change the negative ones. It's taking that risk, that allows you to enjoy pure joy.

I am fulfilled with the friendships in my life...girlfriends that have helped me guide me through this quarter-life crisis that the latest pop-culture has coined. I have learned so much from them about trust and loyalty, gossip, and humor, relationships and the ups and downs of life. I have a wonderful circle around me that took me years to form, but I feel secure in those who I have around me.

The missing link of that circle of support is now in my life, and widening and adjusting that circle is scary and a challenge. But as he begins to complete my circle, I too, feel complete.

I found this quote years ago that says:

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

One of the most important things in life in my opinion is to learn to give out love, and let it come in....
I found him...and I could not feel luckier.........

Oh Winter

As winter approaches, my LEAST favorite time of the year, the anniversary of the death of my grandma, who I miss everyday, my grandma's birthday, my new cousin's 1st birthday that my grandma never got to meet.....I have to take a back seat and just breath.

You learn that you are not at fault or responsible for other's choices, and in six months, one year, or five years, you realize that these choices are all a part of a much bigger picture. What seems devastating at a particular moment ends up turning into the one of the greatest learning experiences of your life; you are suddenly filled with this sense of empowerment that you were right all along, and should never doubt yourself for what you are most passionate about. It is all about self-discovery, while remembering to be mindful of the feelings of those closest to you. The trust will eventually return, and you will look to your left, and then to your right, and realize you cannot fall, because all the right people are suddenly surrounding you in the most positive way, erasing the scars that once were.

I believe in the power of surrounding yourself with people who are open, honest, direct, and in tune to who they are, and how they treat the people around them. Disaster strikes when you find yourself in relationships of any kind that are one sided and narcissistic....suddenly you feel put down, worthless, trying to catch up, uncared for, rejected, engulfed...not healthy. Maybe it is my past experience, maybe it is my degree in Counseling, but talking about what has worked and not worked in the past, and learning from it, embracing it, grieving it, and growing is one of the best gifts you can give yourself.

If there is one thing I learned this year, it is to sit with what I am feeling. Take accountability for what I am feeling, and realize I am not responsible for how others deal with their feelings. In times of stress and grief, many people project their anger, sadness, depression onto you...not intentionally, but it happens. Sometimes suddenly, sometimes for years, and if not addressed, your sense of self is completely non-existent.

Then you learn how to deal with the projected feelings, and repel them off of you, and as soon as you learn to cope, slowly your sense of self begins to heal and grow.

At 25 years old, I am finally gaining the awareness I need to develop my sense of self, to help match my outer confidence to my inner confidence, realizing that it took 25 years of a lot of unknown and will likely take some time to build up this sense of self I had been missing.

Surrounding myself with healthy relationships, taking ownership of my feelings, being in the moment, taking risks, setting healthy boundaries, accepting others limitations, being assertive, allowing myself to ask for help, trying not to hold back....it is not easy, but I believe in the end it will be worth it.

As I slowly allow others in, slowly allow myself to trust, take a leap of faith, stand my ground, I can feel my entire sense of self changing...who I am, and what I want in the future. I allow myself to be happy. I allow myself to share myself with others. I allow myself to be with someone who brings out the best of me, and allows me to let go of my need for control just a bit.

And as Winter approaches, and the firs snow flurries begin to fall, I will bundle up, feel the cold, feel the happiness, and jump in...afterall, what is life about if you can't jump in and enjoy the ride....laugh, learn, challenge me...keep it real, and smile:)

Fall is in the air

I love fall days, and flips flops.
What a year it has been.
Deaths, and births, lost a job, gained another.
I am in love with my job, the students, the environment, I have fallen in love with teaching again.
I am making two goals this Fall...decided against the New Year's resolution, and making a Fall Resolution:

1. Learn how to cook.
2. Run a 10k.

I continue to be surrounded by the best friends a girl could ask for; passionate, loyal, funny, in-your face girlfriends who remind me and push me everyday to take care of myself, and are never more than a phone call away through all the ups and downs. At 25 years old, it has taken quite a few years, but my friendships today reflect the person I have become, and the person I am becoming. No matter how much I resist, I have found unconditional support. That is hard to find.

Sometimes, in the midst of life and changes you take a risk, and come across new people that surprise you... that makes you look at life a little differently, that makes life a little more exciting. A risk sure, but a good risk, nothing great every comes easy. Put yourself out there, enjoy the moment, enjoy this beautiful fall day.

And......remember it's all about being honest, vulnerable, and in the moment. It's ok to have good days and bad days. And it is ok to be emotional and have a shoulder to cry on. But it is equally important to ask for that help, ask for that shoulder, and then stand back up...because remember...

"One day your life will flash before your eyes. You want to make sure its worth watching."