I was in a on again off again 2 year college relationship. I loved him. I was shy. I didn't know how to express it. I was battling a horrendous eating disorder. I was lonely. Jealous and lost.
I was in a relationship for almost 2 years. I was treated well. I loved deeply. Until the end. When I was treated horrendously, like a child, like a piece of garbage that never meant anything. I would have gotten married if he hadn't run. I would have also ended up divorced. The depressing reality of our relationship only really appeared to me after the break up. His loss. My gain. I deserve so much more than that relationship ever could have offered. Ever.
I recovered...braver, stronger, more secure than ever. Happier. Free. I found myself in a 5 month relationship of laughter, commitment, family, and a vow never to run away from me or my past. Never to take off on an airplane across the country when something went wrong, willing to stay until in the end. I learned compassion, and healing, confidence, and true love. I learned what it was like to be with a confident, loving, mature man. But I wanted something more, I wanted the feeling.
And this weekend, already, after just a few conversations, I have the feeling. I think this may be it. A gentleman. A family man. A true friend. In front of my eyes for so long. Educated, and funny, common interests and goals, compassion, and friendship, loyalty, and humility, risk-taker and sociable. I, in turn, am confident, and excited. Happy and open. After everything I have been through, my heart opens wide, I know who I am, what I want, exactly what I deserve, and I could not be more excited for the events of this weekend!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
Paving my Own Path and Gender Socialization
For centuries women were expected to get married and have kids. But now a new phenomenon has occurred...the career woman. And while it can be equally hard and equally gratifying, somehow, it is not respected, we are made to feel guilty, for putting career before family and kids.
I look at the people in my Master's classes, counseling clients with bellies full of babies, morning sickness, and fights with their husbands. I look at myself, and I realize that at 27 years old, I will have my Master's degree and full counseling license in a short 3 months. I am proud of myself, but there is this external pressure that even through this is a huge accomplishment at a young age, I am lacking. Where is my husband, my kids, why am I not settling down? And why is everyone around me seeming to find that settling down path, and I, who wants it so badly, cannot find it.
For me, it is not about choosing career or family, it is not about the gender politics or the guilt, or what I am "supposed" to be doing at my age. Rather, it is about me wanting to find my best friend, a partner to share my life with, my thoughts with, my honest feelings. A partner who understands my past scars, embraces them, and helps me move forward. A partner who will support my budding career AND be supportive of having kids and working at the same time. I always thought I would be the one to first get married and have kids. Always. That reality did not work out for me, but as I stop to think about why, I think it might have been because I wasn't ready, wasn't sure who I was, where I was, or my goals in life in general.
I am looking for that gut feeling, that gut intuition that my partner will be loyal and confident, caring and kind, generous and funny, educated and flexible. That our chemistry will unite. I want the 100% happiness. I want the company at hockey games, and the romantic candle lit dinners. I want the realness and the commitment. I almost found that. I was so close. So very close. In fact, if I hadn't taken a huge risk and ended this path in my life, I would have found myself married. But I felt I needed something more. It wasn't about the lack of commitment or compassion or understanding or love. In fact, I learned so much. I learned that my longest relationship, the one I thought would last forever, would have been a disaster if I had gone through with a marriage. I would have ended up divorced, no doubt, for various reasons; lack of commitment, lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of common goals, drives, and family ideas. I learned all of this because of my latest relationship. He showed me what a REAL man is. A real, protective, committed, family man.
But just because in my gut, I knew this was none "the one" does not mean I am not grateful for every moment and every lesson I learned. I learned healing and compassion. I learned to trust my gut. I learned that my career can change and my partner will still support me. I learned that is ok to want a family and it is ok to talk about it openly, dream about, use pinterest to post about it, and have open, real conversations about career, family and life.
So do I feel the gender politics of our society, do I feel that biological clock ticking? Of course. I feel the pressures all around me. But if I have learned anything I have learned that I am building my own path. I have learned more about myself in the past 3 years than I have in my entire life. I am proud of my degrees and my education and standing up for what I believe in. I now believe in healing. I now understand what I want and need in a future husband. I now keep people in my heart and in my mind who have taught me countless lessons. Some will stay there forever, some will fade away once the lesson has been learned, some will be blamed and hated forever for how much they hurt me when I never deserved it. But to sit back and feel discouraged and defeated because I am not following the path of many people my age is pointless.
At 27 years old I have two degrees under my belt, have been to several different countries, can speak two languages, have an amazing, loyal group of friends, and I put others before myself. When that life long partner comes along, I am going to be so confident, so sure, so happy...and it is then, and only then, that I will begin to live the life I always wanted...but in the meantime, I am ignoring what my gender and socialized me to do, and I am paving my own path to happiness.
I look at the people in my Master's classes, counseling clients with bellies full of babies, morning sickness, and fights with their husbands. I look at myself, and I realize that at 27 years old, I will have my Master's degree and full counseling license in a short 3 months. I am proud of myself, but there is this external pressure that even through this is a huge accomplishment at a young age, I am lacking. Where is my husband, my kids, why am I not settling down? And why is everyone around me seeming to find that settling down path, and I, who wants it so badly, cannot find it.
For me, it is not about choosing career or family, it is not about the gender politics or the guilt, or what I am "supposed" to be doing at my age. Rather, it is about me wanting to find my best friend, a partner to share my life with, my thoughts with, my honest feelings. A partner who understands my past scars, embraces them, and helps me move forward. A partner who will support my budding career AND be supportive of having kids and working at the same time. I always thought I would be the one to first get married and have kids. Always. That reality did not work out for me, but as I stop to think about why, I think it might have been because I wasn't ready, wasn't sure who I was, where I was, or my goals in life in general.
I am looking for that gut feeling, that gut intuition that my partner will be loyal and confident, caring and kind, generous and funny, educated and flexible. That our chemistry will unite. I want the 100% happiness. I want the company at hockey games, and the romantic candle lit dinners. I want the realness and the commitment. I almost found that. I was so close. So very close. In fact, if I hadn't taken a huge risk and ended this path in my life, I would have found myself married. But I felt I needed something more. It wasn't about the lack of commitment or compassion or understanding or love. In fact, I learned so much. I learned that my longest relationship, the one I thought would last forever, would have been a disaster if I had gone through with a marriage. I would have ended up divorced, no doubt, for various reasons; lack of commitment, lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of common goals, drives, and family ideas. I learned all of this because of my latest relationship. He showed me what a REAL man is. A real, protective, committed, family man.
But just because in my gut, I knew this was none "the one" does not mean I am not grateful for every moment and every lesson I learned. I learned healing and compassion. I learned to trust my gut. I learned that my career can change and my partner will still support me. I learned that is ok to want a family and it is ok to talk about it openly, dream about, use pinterest to post about it, and have open, real conversations about career, family and life.
So do I feel the gender politics of our society, do I feel that biological clock ticking? Of course. I feel the pressures all around me. But if I have learned anything I have learned that I am building my own path. I have learned more about myself in the past 3 years than I have in my entire life. I am proud of my degrees and my education and standing up for what I believe in. I now believe in healing. I now understand what I want and need in a future husband. I now keep people in my heart and in my mind who have taught me countless lessons. Some will stay there forever, some will fade away once the lesson has been learned, some will be blamed and hated forever for how much they hurt me when I never deserved it. But to sit back and feel discouraged and defeated because I am not following the path of many people my age is pointless.
At 27 years old I have two degrees under my belt, have been to several different countries, can speak two languages, have an amazing, loyal group of friends, and I put others before myself. When that life long partner comes along, I am going to be so confident, so sure, so happy...and it is then, and only then, that I will begin to live the life I always wanted...but in the meantime, I am ignoring what my gender and socialized me to do, and I am paving my own path to happiness.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
The Right One
Some food for thought for my bruised heart:
“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter
or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so
much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right
one comes along.”
-Anonymous
"Take
a second out to think about this. In your life you search and search
for the right person for you. Every time you break up with someone you
get one step closer to that person. You should look at moving on as
getting closer to meeting the right one."
-Ian Philpot
“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter
or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so
much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right
one comes along.”
-Anonymous
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Throwing away the checklist
“I used to think that finding the right one was about the man having a
list of certain qualities. If he has them, we'd be compatible and happy.
Sort of a checkmark system that was a complete failure. But I found out
that a healthy relationship isn't so much about sense of humor or
intelligence or attractive. It's about avoiding partners with harmful
traits and personality types. And then it's about being with a good
person. A good person on his own, and a good person with you. Where the
space between you feels uncomplicated and happy. A good relationship is
where things just work. They work because, whatever the list of
qualities, whatever the reason, you happen to be really, really good
together.”
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming
I think we learn the most from those who are different from us. I have spent so much of my life, surrounded by people that are the SAME as me (because I fear change and uncertainty, and crave safety and sameness), that I didn't realize how much I can truly learn by those that are different from me.
People who grew up less privileged than me, people whose families are drastically different than mine. Sure, it is frightening, and scary, but it also makes me question my deeply-rooted beliefs, prejudices, and what I truly value.
Just because I am no longer using a check-list of certain qualities to determine if a relationship will last does not mean I still do not have high standards.
This quote explains my newfound beliefs about relationships. Maybe it is because I was in a relationship with someone who was so different from me, someone who grew up so differently than me, has a family so different than mine. It is not about how similar or in this case dis-similar we are, but rather realizing that a particular person does not have the harmful traits of those people in your past. They don't have the flawed personality types of people in your past. They are, to their core, a good , mature, person. When being together doing something, or doing nothing, feels good. There are no questions. No what if's. Things are natural, they do just truly work.
I could check off a certain height, a certain education level, a certain commitment to family, a certain job, a certain salary...but where has that gotten me? Just plain hurt. I have dated the well educated, career-at-all-costs, financially well off, brilliant family type of guy. But I found that that lead to a spoiled life-style, with family and relationships coming last.
And so now, I no longer check my qualities off my list. It isn't really about qualities. It is about a feeling of mutual love, respect, and commitment. Friendship. Allowing our differences to flourish. Embracing our scars. I don't care how much money you make or your wonderful career or how wonderful or weird your family is. It is about the connection. Between you and me.
I have now learned that is about finding someone who doesn't change who they are or what they want. Stability. Someone who commits. Commitment, stability, embracing scars, not running, are not traits I can just check off a list. These are things that connect us. Things that must be shown, not checked off.
As we enter 2013, I no longer use my well kept checklist that I have used for years to determine if a relationship will work. The check list is gone. It is now all about learning from my mistakes of the past, and avoiding harmful traits. The checklist is blank. Ready to be filled with my partner's own unique qualities he brings to the relationship. Please,be different from me, be drastically different from my original checklist, make me learn and grow and show how how to be a better person.
Then, allow our different qualities to fold together, let us work, let us grow, and let 2013 be the year where all I have ever wanted becomes a reality and I will get my 100%.
“This is what I know. Don't settle for 40, 50, or even 80 percent. A relationship-it shouldn't be too small or too tight or even a little scratchy. It shouldn't take up space in your closet out of guilty conscience or convenience or a moment of desire. Do you hear me? It should be perfect for you. It should be lasting. Wait. wait for 100 percent.”
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming
I think we learn the most from those who are different from us. I have spent so much of my life, surrounded by people that are the SAME as me (because I fear change and uncertainty, and crave safety and sameness), that I didn't realize how much I can truly learn by those that are different from me.
People who grew up less privileged than me, people whose families are drastically different than mine. Sure, it is frightening, and scary, but it also makes me question my deeply-rooted beliefs, prejudices, and what I truly value.
Just because I am no longer using a check-list of certain qualities to determine if a relationship will last does not mean I still do not have high standards.
This quote explains my newfound beliefs about relationships. Maybe it is because I was in a relationship with someone who was so different from me, someone who grew up so differently than me, has a family so different than mine. It is not about how similar or in this case dis-similar we are, but rather realizing that a particular person does not have the harmful traits of those people in your past. They don't have the flawed personality types of people in your past. They are, to their core, a good , mature, person. When being together doing something, or doing nothing, feels good. There are no questions. No what if's. Things are natural, they do just truly work.
I could check off a certain height, a certain education level, a certain commitment to family, a certain job, a certain salary...but where has that gotten me? Just plain hurt. I have dated the well educated, career-at-all-costs, financially well off, brilliant family type of guy. But I found that that lead to a spoiled life-style, with family and relationships coming last.
And so now, I no longer check my qualities off my list. It isn't really about qualities. It is about a feeling of mutual love, respect, and commitment. Friendship. Allowing our differences to flourish. Embracing our scars. I don't care how much money you make or your wonderful career or how wonderful or weird your family is. It is about the connection. Between you and me.
I have now learned that is about finding someone who doesn't change who they are or what they want. Stability. Someone who commits. Commitment, stability, embracing scars, not running, are not traits I can just check off a list. These are things that connect us. Things that must be shown, not checked off.
As we enter 2013, I no longer use my well kept checklist that I have used for years to determine if a relationship will work. The check list is gone. It is now all about learning from my mistakes of the past, and avoiding harmful traits. The checklist is blank. Ready to be filled with my partner's own unique qualities he brings to the relationship. Please,be different from me, be drastically different from my original checklist, make me learn and grow and show how how to be a better person.
Then, allow our different qualities to fold together, let us work, let us grow, and let 2013 be the year where all I have ever wanted becomes a reality and I will get my 100%.
“This is what I know. Don't settle for 40, 50, or even 80 percent. A relationship-it shouldn't be too small or too tight or even a little scratchy. It shouldn't take up space in your closet out of guilty conscience or convenience or a moment of desire. Do you hear me? It should be perfect for you. It should be lasting. Wait. wait for 100 percent.”
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming
Sunday, December 16, 2012
A Tragedy, and a Corner of Happiness
My eyes are hooked to the TV.
And I cry.
I cry so very deeply for the lost little angels in Conneticut's elementary school massacre.
The whole world weeps, but as a teacher, I weep a bit longer, a bit harder, a bit deeper.
In the depths of who I am, I will always be a teacher. I will always be a learner.
My students, those who I influence, will always come first.
I am heartbroken. Cannot look, yet cannot pull myself away from the pictures, stories, and gut-retching details. I am numb.
What would I have done? How would my middle schoolers have reacted? What if this had happened where I teach? I hope to God I never know.
I never believed in heaven until my Grandma died. Now I do. And I hope these lost little angels are in heaven, where my Grandma lives, in a world that is peaceful without violence, where they are without pain, taken care of by the world's lost love ones.
I have learned it is ok to be angry. It is what I do with the anger that is the important part.
I am angry at the gunman, I am angry with many parts of my past. But with anger, comes hate, and that is somewhere I will not allow myself to go.
Life is short.
The world is not perfect, people are not perfect, and my hope is that we can all just find a small corner of happiness in this world....a small space to be yourself, to love, to hope, to see that there is still good in the world.
Today marks a new day for me.
A day of spreading goodness, hope, spirit, love.
I deserve to only be treated with goodness. When that disappears, I no longer wish to be surrounded by the people that bring me down. I send well wishes to the people of my past that have not treated me with goodness, and hope, they too, find their small corner of happiness in this world; and I hope they learn that committment to goodness, kindness, love, and strong relationships is the only way that one can ever find that small, secret corner of true happiness.
Our vulnerabilities are what connect us. I offer compassion to my younger, broken self. And I find myself filled with confidence, goodness, and love as I settle into my very own corner of happiness, gratitude and appreciation. My corner happens to also have a partner. A man. A very good man, whom I fall for more and more each day. Whose arms are safe. Whose heart is kind. Who commits to never wanting to change me. Who commits to a lifetime of ups and downs. Who will battle the violence in the world, quietly, by spreading our own goodness and love for each other and the causes that matter most to us.
To a world filled with bad, I have found my corner of good.
Rest in Peace Grandma, and the little angels of this terrible tragedy. I hope you find your corner of happiness up in heaven.
And I cry.
I cry so very deeply for the lost little angels in Conneticut's elementary school massacre.
The whole world weeps, but as a teacher, I weep a bit longer, a bit harder, a bit deeper.
In the depths of who I am, I will always be a teacher. I will always be a learner.
My students, those who I influence, will always come first.
I am heartbroken. Cannot look, yet cannot pull myself away from the pictures, stories, and gut-retching details. I am numb.
What would I have done? How would my middle schoolers have reacted? What if this had happened where I teach? I hope to God I never know.
I never believed in heaven until my Grandma died. Now I do. And I hope these lost little angels are in heaven, where my Grandma lives, in a world that is peaceful without violence, where they are without pain, taken care of by the world's lost love ones.
I have learned it is ok to be angry. It is what I do with the anger that is the important part.
I am angry at the gunman, I am angry with many parts of my past. But with anger, comes hate, and that is somewhere I will not allow myself to go.
Life is short.
The world is not perfect, people are not perfect, and my hope is that we can all just find a small corner of happiness in this world....a small space to be yourself, to love, to hope, to see that there is still good in the world.
Today marks a new day for me.
A day of spreading goodness, hope, spirit, love.
I deserve to only be treated with goodness. When that disappears, I no longer wish to be surrounded by the people that bring me down. I send well wishes to the people of my past that have not treated me with goodness, and hope, they too, find their small corner of happiness in this world; and I hope they learn that committment to goodness, kindness, love, and strong relationships is the only way that one can ever find that small, secret corner of true happiness.
Our vulnerabilities are what connect us. I offer compassion to my younger, broken self. And I find myself filled with confidence, goodness, and love as I settle into my very own corner of happiness, gratitude and appreciation. My corner happens to also have a partner. A man. A very good man, whom I fall for more and more each day. Whose arms are safe. Whose heart is kind. Who commits to never wanting to change me. Who commits to a lifetime of ups and downs. Who will battle the violence in the world, quietly, by spreading our own goodness and love for each other and the causes that matter most to us.
To a world filled with bad, I have found my corner of good.
Rest in Peace Grandma, and the little angels of this terrible tragedy. I hope you find your corner of happiness up in heaven.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Pablo Neruda
Oh how I wish I would have found this Poem months ago. But then again, the meaning would of lost itself on me. Too much pain. Now, it makes perfect sense.
“Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember....
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land”
― Pablo Neruda
Life is very lonely when you make the choice to live it all alone. But this was not my destiny. Or my choice.
I made the decision several months ago to open my heart back up. Not look back. And find a "new land." That new land, just happened to open a door to a better future for me, without even knowing it. I am bursting with happiness and excitement for what is ahead.
My tears watered the seeds for my future happiness.
I have come to the realize the truth in the saying "that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny."
So much to look forward to this weekend....boyfriend time, dinner club, hanukkah party, I am soaking in the holiday season and how wonderful it feels to be so happy during this time of year.
Goodnight!
“Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember....
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land”
― Pablo Neruda
Life is very lonely when you make the choice to live it all alone. But this was not my destiny. Or my choice.
I made the decision several months ago to open my heart back up. Not look back. And find a "new land." That new land, just happened to open a door to a better future for me, without even knowing it. I am bursting with happiness and excitement for what is ahead.
My tears watered the seeds for my future happiness.
I have come to the realize the truth in the saying "that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny."
So much to look forward to this weekend....boyfriend time, dinner club, hanukkah party, I am soaking in the holiday season and how wonderful it feels to be so happy during this time of year.
Goodnight!
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Hello Wonderful Winter
"We don't always understand the reasons why at the time," my grandma always told me.
"But everything does happen for a reason."
I love the feeling of falling in love. And I question how I am falling so hard, for someone so different than everyone in my past. But the feelings are there, cautious, but present. I am held for hours, taken care of, celebrated, laughed with, talked to with the most inner core of true feelings. What a refreshing breath of air, that I can now breath in, to be with someone, who can accept me for who I am, no judgement, and can commit to a lifetime of me. I am humbled. The art of communicating real, true, feelings, being vulnerable and being treated with the respect of realizing that there are two people in a relationship; learning and growing together into a future that will bring me exactly what I want.
My grandma watches over me. I feel her guidance. I feel her voice inside me. Cautious, Amanda, but let him in. Learn. Grow. Love. Hold on. And if you look closely, you can see our dreidel ornament:)
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"But everything does happen for a reason."
I love the feeling of falling in love. And I question how I am falling so hard, for someone so different than everyone in my past. But the feelings are there, cautious, but present. I am held for hours, taken care of, celebrated, laughed with, talked to with the most inner core of true feelings. What a refreshing breath of air, that I can now breath in, to be with someone, who can accept me for who I am, no judgement, and can commit to a lifetime of me. I am humbled. The art of communicating real, true, feelings, being vulnerable and being treated with the respect of realizing that there are two people in a relationship; learning and growing together into a future that will bring me exactly what I want.
My grandma watches over me. I feel her guidance. I feel her voice inside me. Cautious, Amanda, but let him in. Learn. Grow. Love. Hold on. And if you look closely, you can see our dreidel ornament:)
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Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thanksgiving Thoughts
I woke up, in the warmth of the arms of another, who looks at me like I am all that matters in the whole world.
I woke up, to friends, best friends, telling me they are thankful for me, and how strong I am.
I woke up, to my family, getting ready for our thanksgiving feast, with babies, and aunts, uncles, cousins, loud laughter, and being together.
I woke up to acceptance, and love, and fun.
I woke up to breakfast in bed.
Life has a strange way of working out. I have found strength in places that I thought would forever be insecure. I have a strong body, and a strong mind, and the ability to influence those around me.
I am a confident, grateful, strong, committed woman, passionate about those I love in my life.
I have standards, and will not accept anything less than being treated the very best. With respect, and acceptance, love, and commitment.
I am committed to sharing my life experience, my life lessons, my passion with those around me, so they too know, that hurt does not last forever, and strength will find you when you least expect it.
I no longer waste time on those who run...life is not about running, but about staying, and appreciating. There will always be those who run, who cannot commit, who try to take back what has been done, but some paths are just paved in fate, what is meant to be, will be, and once you run off a particular path, you cannot return. My path changed this year, uunexpectedly, and while I tried for a long time to get back on, I realized the path had ended. There was no more road. Only gravel, dust, and memories.
And so I wake up on this Thanksgiving morning, on a new path, paved just by me, paved with answers and my future, a family, kids, a new career, a new relationship blossoming....and how thankful I truly am on this beautiful morning.
To life. To holding on. To never settling. To accepting what is meant to be. To angels watching over me.
I woke up, to friends, best friends, telling me they are thankful for me, and how strong I am.
I woke up, to my family, getting ready for our thanksgiving feast, with babies, and aunts, uncles, cousins, loud laughter, and being together.
I woke up to acceptance, and love, and fun.
I woke up to breakfast in bed.
Life has a strange way of working out. I have found strength in places that I thought would forever be insecure. I have a strong body, and a strong mind, and the ability to influence those around me.
I am a confident, grateful, strong, committed woman, passionate about those I love in my life.
I have standards, and will not accept anything less than being treated the very best. With respect, and acceptance, love, and commitment.
I am committed to sharing my life experience, my life lessons, my passion with those around me, so they too know, that hurt does not last forever, and strength will find you when you least expect it.
I no longer waste time on those who run...life is not about running, but about staying, and appreciating. There will always be those who run, who cannot commit, who try to take back what has been done, but some paths are just paved in fate, what is meant to be, will be, and once you run off a particular path, you cannot return. My path changed this year, uunexpectedly, and while I tried for a long time to get back on, I realized the path had ended. There was no more road. Only gravel, dust, and memories.
And so I wake up on this Thanksgiving morning, on a new path, paved just by me, paved with answers and my future, a family, kids, a new career, a new relationship blossoming....and how thankful I truly am on this beautiful morning.
To life. To holding on. To never settling. To accepting what is meant to be. To angels watching over me.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
GOOD IN GOODBYE
My two favorite jams right now. One by Beyonce, very vindictive, angry, but empowering, the other, by Carrie Underwood, softer, lighter, but the message remains the same. While it may hurt, while it may tear you apart, one day, sooner rather than later, you will find the GOOD in GOODBYE. It will come in pieces, little bites of insight, and you will one day, understand the reasons why.
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
I say what goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around...
There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I must've been out of my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I, I saw the real you
Thank God you blew it
I thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
So baby good lookin' out
[Chorus:]
I wanted you bad
I'm so through with that
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
You turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
And I'm gonna' always be the (best thing you never had)
Oh yeah, I bet it sucks to be you right now
So sad, you're hurt
Boo hoo, oh, did you expect me to care
You don't deserve my tears
I guess that's why they ain't there
When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and baby yes I saw the real you
Thank God you blew it
I thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
Baby good lookin' out
[Chorus:]
I wanted you bad
I'm so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
I said, you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
And I'll never be the (best thing you never had)
Oh baby I bet sucks to be you right now
I know you want me back
It's time to face the facts
That I'm the one that got away
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye.
[Chorus:]
I used to want you so bad
I'm so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
Oh you turned out to be (the best thing I never had)
And I will always be the (best thing you never had)
Oh, best thing you never had!
I used to want you so bad
I'm so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
Oh you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
Oh, I will never be the (best thing you never had)
Oh baby, I bet it sucks to be you right now
What goes around, comes back around
What goes around, comes back around
I bet it sucks to be you right now
What goes around, comes back around
I bet it sucks to be you right now
What goes around, comes back around
I bet it sucks to be you right now!
I heard you laughing in a crowd outside a restaurant we used to go to
I caught a glimpse that stopped me in my tracks
It took me back
You looked happy with that little girl up on your shoulders, happy
I know where she got those crystal eyes of blue
Time’s been sweet to you
[Chorus:]
As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Sometimes, yeah, sometimes, there’s good in goodbye
I don’t regret it
The time we had together
I won’t forget it
But we both ended up where we belong
I guess goodbye made us strong
And yeah I’m happy
I found somebody too who makes me happy
And I knew one day I’ll see you on the street
And it’d be bittersweet
[Chorus:]
But as bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Yeah, sometimes, yeah sometimes, there’s good in goodbye
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
[Outro:]
As bad as it was, yeah, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you got to let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Yeah, someday you’ll see the reason why
There’s good in goodbye, yeah
Yeah
There's good in goodbye, mmm
BEYONCE
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
I say what goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around...
There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I must've been out of my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I, I saw the real you
Thank God you blew it
I thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
So baby good lookin' out
[Chorus:]
I wanted you bad
I'm so through with that
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
You turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
And I'm gonna' always be the (best thing you never had)
Oh yeah, I bet it sucks to be you right now
So sad, you're hurt
Boo hoo, oh, did you expect me to care
You don't deserve my tears
I guess that's why they ain't there
When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and baby yes I saw the real you
Thank God you blew it
I thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
Baby good lookin' out
[Chorus:]
I wanted you bad
I'm so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
I said, you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
And I'll never be the (best thing you never had)
Oh baby I bet sucks to be you right now
I know you want me back
It's time to face the facts
That I'm the one that got away
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye.
[Chorus:]
I used to want you so bad
I'm so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
Oh you turned out to be (the best thing I never had)
And I will always be the (best thing you never had)
Oh, best thing you never had!
I used to want you so bad
I'm so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
Oh you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
Oh, I will never be the (best thing you never had)
Oh baby, I bet it sucks to be you right now
What goes around, comes back around
What goes around, comes back around
I bet it sucks to be you right now
What goes around, comes back around
I bet it sucks to be you right now
What goes around, comes back around
I bet it sucks to be you right now!
CARRIE
I heard you laughing in a crowd outside a restaurant we used to go to
I caught a glimpse that stopped me in my tracks
It took me back
You looked happy with that little girl up on your shoulders, happy
I know where she got those crystal eyes of blue
Time’s been sweet to you
[Chorus:]
As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Sometimes, yeah, sometimes, there’s good in goodbye
I don’t regret it
The time we had together
I won’t forget it
But we both ended up where we belong
I guess goodbye made us strong
And yeah I’m happy
I found somebody too who makes me happy
And I knew one day I’ll see you on the street
And it’d be bittersweet
[Chorus:]
But as bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Yeah, sometimes, yeah sometimes, there’s good in goodbye
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
[Outro:]
As bad as it was, yeah, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you got to let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Yeah, someday you’ll see the reason why
There’s good in goodbye, yeah
Yeah
There's good in goodbye, mmm
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Quote For The New Office
When I get my new job I am blowing this up on the wall: how beautifully worded.
I am so lucky to have people who have been there for me, decided to stay, and not run.
I will instill hope in others, that they too, can feel the love of friendship during their darkness.
Empowerment.
Change.
Bravery.
Hope.
I am so lucky to have people who have been there for me, decided to stay, and not run.
I will instill hope in others, that they too, can feel the love of friendship during their darkness.
Empowerment.
Change.
Bravery.
Hope.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Shifting Sense of Self
Two of the most powerful quotes, I have ever come across. Literally have shifted my sense of self.
As I grow happier each day, I understand that:
"since most of our hurts come through our relationships, so too, will our healing."
---William P. Young
“Wounding and healing are not opposites. They're part of the same thing. It is our wounds that enable us to be compassionate with the wounds of others. It is our limitations that make us kind to the limitations of other people. It is our loneliness that helps us to to find other people or to even know they're alone with an illness. I want to spend my life, helping people,with the parts of myself I used to be ashamed of. ”
--Rachel Naomi Remen
As I grow happier each day, I understand that:
"since most of our hurts come through our relationships, so too, will our healing."
---William P. Young
“Wounding and healing are not opposites. They're part of the same thing. It is our wounds that enable us to be compassionate with the wounds of others. It is our limitations that make us kind to the limitations of other people. It is our loneliness that helps us to to find other people or to even know they're alone with an illness. I want to spend my life, helping people,with the parts of myself I used to be ashamed of. ”
--Rachel Naomi Remen
“Pain
is a pesky part of being human, I've learned it feels like a stab wound
to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives
here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can't be escaped. But then I have also
learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and
freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But
then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are
spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings
growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will
give us that wind against our faces.”
-- C. JoyBell
Friday, October 19, 2012
The Fight
The Fight
If you love her, you gotta fight.
Fight hard, my friend, for she will be gone.
Doesn’t matter what she says or said,
Doesn’t matter what she did or didn’t do,
If you love her, you gotta fight.
She is stubborn and independent,
A fiery soul.
Passionate and caring,
Someone worth fighting for.
Shout it from the top, shout it out loud,
If she is worth it, then fight, be proud!
Fight for the hugs, kisses, and fights.
Fight for forgiveness, and making it right.
Know what you want, she doesn’t have time to wait,
When you are ready, when your mind has been made up,
Decide if she is worth the fight.
Fight through the silence, the good times, the bad,
Fight for the memories you had.
Do you miss her every second of every day?
Is it hard to make the pain go away?
Fight hard, kind sir, fight 'till the end,
For a new "prince-charming" may just come along,
And help her heart mend.
If she isn’t worth the fight, if you have changed your mind,
Then let her fly, and move on to this other guy.
A guy that WILL fight for her, fight for what’s right,
Fight for treating her well, with all his might.
Fight for the humor, and the laughs,
For a family, for traditions, and for a life that lasts.
Fight for romance, and making her feel special,
Each day and each night, support her, as she takes flight.
Fight for her respect, her love, her trust,
Knowing all along, that this alone, will always be enough.
I am worth the fight!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Happy Birthday to me!
I love 27 already!
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My latest mantra, and new photo frame saying. Excited for the changes coming my way!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
A List of Learning
As I approach my 27th birthday this weekend, I contemplated what to write.
A poem. A story. The roller coaster this last year has been. But then I decided it was my choice to look forward. My choice to dwell on the past or look toward the future. And I am choosing the positive route forward. I came across this list in the Chicago Tribune (written by a person approaching his 50th birthday) and was touched by it. So for the weekend, headed into the big 27, I will leave you with this list. I admire its honesty, and how much it truly "hits home."
My favorites: 1, 9, 11, 17, 21, 41, 44, 50...well all of them really:)
1. Accept the consequences of your decisions.
2. Promptness shows respect.
3. You can’t avoid offending people from time to time. When you don’t
mean it, apologize.
4. The first person to use the expression “Get a life!” in any dispute is the loser.
5. Find your soul mate at all costs. And no, there is not just one person for everyone. With enough hard work, effort, love, patience, and commitment, anyone can become your soul mate.
6. The most valuable thing to have is a good reputation, and it’s
neither hard nor expensive to acquire one: Be fair. Be honest. Be
trustworthy. Be generous. Respect others.
7. Prejudice and bigotry is hard-wired into us. You can’t overcome it until you acknowledge it.
8. Don’t be bothered when people don’t share your tastes in music,
sports, literature, food and fashion. Be glad. You’d never get tickets
to anything otherwise:)
9. Every person needs to enter therapy at least once in their life, it helps you find a sense of self.
10. Empathy is the greatest virtue. From it, all virtues flow. Without it, all virtues are an act.
11. The Golden Rule is the greatest moral truth. If you don’t believe in it, at least try to fake it.
12. Keeping perspective is the greatest key to happiness. From a distance, even a bumpy road looks smooth.
13. Don't let anyone treat you with anything less than the very best. No matter what circumstance.
14. It’s not “political correctness” that dictates that we try not to
insult others’ beliefs and identities. It’s common decency.
15. It may not feel like it, but it’s good luck when you have people
at home and at work who aren’t afraid to tell you when you’re wrong.
16. It’s 10 times easier to fall in love than to stay in love. And no
matter what the sad songs say about romance, broken hearts do mend.
17. Don’t waste your breath proclaiming what’s really important to you. How you spend your time says it all.
18. Keeping an open mind is as big a challenge as you get older as keeping a consistent waistline.
19. It’s never a shame when you admit you don’t know something, and often a shame when you assume that you do.
20. Wounds heal faster under bandages than they do in the open air.
21. Fear of failure is a ticket to mediocrity. If you’re not failing
from time to time, you’re not pushing yourself. And if you’re not
pushing yourself, you’re coasting.
22. Anyone who judges you by the kind of car you drive or shoes you wear isn’t someone worth impressing.
23. Grudges are poison. The only antidote is to let them go.
24. If you’re in a conversation and you’re not asking questions, then it’s not a conversation, it’s a monologue.
25. In everyday life, most “talent” is simply hard work in disguise.
26. Great parents can have rotten kids and rotten parents can have
great kids. But even though biology plays a huge role in destiny, that’s
no excuse to give up or stop trying.
27. Four things that most people think are lame but really are a lot of fun:staying in pajamas all day, karaoke, long road trips, writing love notes.
28. Two cheap, easy self-improvement projects: Develop a strong handshake and start smiling when you answer the phone.
29. When something that costs less than $200 breaks and it’s not
under warranty and you can’t fix it yourself in half an hour, it’s
almost certainly more cost-effective to throw it out.
30. Most folk remedies are nonsense, but zinc really does zap colds.
31. Physical attraction is nice, but shared values and a shared sense of humor are the real keys to lasting love.
32. To keep dental visits regular, schedule your next appointment on your way out from your last appointment.
33. The 10-minute jump start is the best way to get going on a big
task you’ve been avoiding. Set a timer and begin, promising yourself
that you’ll quit after 10 minutes and do something else. The momentum
will carry you forward.
34. Laundry day is much easier when all your socks are the same and you don’t have to sort them.
35. Candor is overrated. It’s hard to unsay what you’ve said in anger and almost impossible to take back what you’ve written.
36. Goals that you keep to yourself are just castles on the beach. If
you’re determined to achieve something, tell people about it and ask
them to help you stick with it.
37. Mental illness is as real as diabetes, arthritis or any other
disease, and no more disgraceful. It’s the stigma that’s disgraceful.
38. In crisis or conflict, always think and act strategically. Take
time to take a 360 view. How will the situation effect your life 5 years from now.
39. All the stuff you have lying around that you’ll never want, need,
wear or look at again? It just makes it harder to find what you do
want, need or intend to wear. File it, donate it or throw it out.
40. Exercise does not take time. Exercise creates time.
41. Almost no one gives compliments often enough.
42. It pays to keep handy a list that includes a trusted plumber,
electrician, locksmith, appliance repair specialist and heating
contractor. When you really need one is no time to start looking.
43. The store-brand jelly, cereal, paper goods, baking supplies and pharmacy products are good enough.
44. When you mess up, ’fess up. It’s the fastest way, if there is one, to forgiveness. Fight for what or who you love, despite everyone and everything telling you otherwise. The fight, shows that you have priorities.
45. When you’re not the worst-dressed person at a social event, you have nothing to worry about.
46. Be truthful or be quiet. Lies are hard to keep track of.
47. Your education isn’t complete until you've learned to compromise.
48. Whatever your passion, pursue it as though your days were numbered. Because they are.49. You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
50. The people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
10/10
Today reminds me
Of change.
Of mixed emotions.
Of how life surprises you.
Of how life crushes you.
Of how important it is to be true to yourself.
Of confusion.
Of sadness.
Of happiness.
Of home.
Of firsts.
Of lasts.
Of memories past.
Of broken hearts.
Of newfound love.
Of decisions.
Of choices.
Of wondering why.
Of running away.
Of meant to be.
Of meant to be only for a time.
Of things happen for a reason.
Of wondering why, again.
Of second chances.
Of broken promises.
Of learning.
Of growing.
Of building a life.
Of trying to figure out emotions.
Of trying to figure out what feels right.
Of trusting fate.
Of trusting time.
Of deserving to be treated the best. Only the very best.
Of starting over......hoping it will all be meant to be in the end.
Maybe.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Surprise Flowers
I love surprises.
I love the beginning.
Respect. And Truth. And Enjoyment.
I love learning.
I love loving.
And I love opening the front door to a boy holding these....
Good night online world. Looking forward to another great weekend, some out of town guests, and Ph.D. programs. Life is moving forward.
I love the beginning.
Respect. And Truth. And Enjoyment.
I love learning.
I love loving.
And I love opening the front door to a boy holding these....
Good night online world. Looking forward to another great weekend, some out of town guests, and Ph.D. programs. Life is moving forward.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Some Important Lessons I learned during the last few months of being 26.
A few quotes that sum up what I have learned before my 27th birthday in a few weeks.....
Thursday, September 27, 2012
A Holy Day
As the Jewish holidays came and went this year, I celebrated them in a bit of a different way. Embracing my faith, my culture, my tradition, in my own way. Not in the way that was imposed on me as I was growing up, but instead, looking inside myself, finding my connection to my culture, and what it truly means to be Jewish.
In two very small summaries it comes down to this
1. New beginnings are a necessity, it forces us to to look deep within ourselves, look for what needs to be changed and learned from, and then put it into action. (Rosh Hashanah)
2. Forgive myself; as I realize that the bad came from good intentions. Next, for those I wronged, I ask their forgiveness. Finally, be passionate and strong in what I believe in; never back down. (Yom Kipper).
This Fall, being Jewish means connecting to those who I love. Especially those who have passed away. Learning from their wisdom even when they are not physically here. Realizing the good in people. Realizing the good in taking chances; for it is within those chances that the vision of what I want for my life (a family, kids, a husband, a Ph.D) starts to become a reality. Learning lessons from every situation. This Jewish new year...I will start my search for the "good." The good in myself, the good in others, the good in new opportunities, the good in new relationships, the good in past relationships, and the good in changing myself to become the best person I can be.
A happy New Year. A sweet one. An easy Yom Kipper fast. And to your own search for goodness.
A good thought for the new year:
So often, we think of teshuvah as “getting rid of the bad.” That approach can lead to self-condemnation or even hopelessness. Many rabbis and teachers have suggested instead that we search for the good—what was the good motivation even in a bad act? What is the good lesson that can come out of a bad decision? Where and how can teshuvah turn bad relationships into friendships, or at least grudges into forgiveness? Rather than banishing the evil, can we simply crowd it out with the good? For every sin or bad habit you are trying to banish, install a new, positive practice to replace it. Consider: how might you fill your thoughts, your daily schedule, even your dreams with goodness? It’s not that we give ourselves leave to deny the bad, the tarnish, the damage. It’s that we don’t focus there one minute longer than it takes to uncover the lesson, find our pure core, and make a different decision. –Rabbi Debra Orenstein
In two very small summaries it comes down to this
1. New beginnings are a necessity, it forces us to to look deep within ourselves, look for what needs to be changed and learned from, and then put it into action. (Rosh Hashanah)
2. Forgive myself; as I realize that the bad came from good intentions. Next, for those I wronged, I ask their forgiveness. Finally, be passionate and strong in what I believe in; never back down. (Yom Kipper).
This Fall, being Jewish means connecting to those who I love. Especially those who have passed away. Learning from their wisdom even when they are not physically here. Realizing the good in people. Realizing the good in taking chances; for it is within those chances that the vision of what I want for my life (a family, kids, a husband, a Ph.D) starts to become a reality. Learning lessons from every situation. This Jewish new year...I will start my search for the "good." The good in myself, the good in others, the good in new opportunities, the good in new relationships, the good in past relationships, and the good in changing myself to become the best person I can be.
A happy New Year. A sweet one. An easy Yom Kipper fast. And to your own search for goodness.
A good thought for the new year:
So often, we think of teshuvah as “getting rid of the bad.” That approach can lead to self-condemnation or even hopelessness. Many rabbis and teachers have suggested instead that we search for the good—what was the good motivation even in a bad act? What is the good lesson that can come out of a bad decision? Where and how can teshuvah turn bad relationships into friendships, or at least grudges into forgiveness? Rather than banishing the evil, can we simply crowd it out with the good? For every sin or bad habit you are trying to banish, install a new, positive practice to replace it. Consider: how might you fill your thoughts, your daily schedule, even your dreams with goodness? It’s not that we give ourselves leave to deny the bad, the tarnish, the damage. It’s that we don’t focus there one minute longer than it takes to uncover the lesson, find our pure core, and make a different decision. –Rabbi Debra Orenstein
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Fall Magic
I wake with covers pulled way up high on my bed,
a cool breeze from the window,
and I know Fall is in the air.
The wisdom of the season change,
gives me hope and spirit,
the air, so cool, blows through me.
The days are shorter, but the season seems to last forever
in my mind,
those smells of Fall magic,
can only be found a few months of the year,
and I take it all in.
Apple cider, carmel applies, slushies and Fall bike rides,
Halloween, cinnamon, pumpkins, and friends,
a season for change, a time to reflect.
Baseball games and football, long walks in downtown,
stepping on the fresh leaves with someone new,
feel that Fall magic through your intertwined hands.
Passion and colors, red and orange and gold,
Passion and colors, red and orange and gold,
how can you be sad, when there is so much beauty around?
The strength of the season, the start of something new,
courage, and growth, and smiles,
oh Fall, how I do love you.
The thick apple cider, the smell of cinnamon sugar, pumpkin spice
light jackets and warm sun,
all of this Fall Magic, oh, it has only just begun.
Give this magic a chance, a place to grow and change
Color it with love and see what remains.
Right now we must say goodbye to summer, like saying goodbye to an old love.
Embrace the new season upon us, and see what will come
But old loves and seasons will always come back, but each as a new opportunity
too see what may have lacked.
So goodnight, Fall magic air, rest well in the coolness of your season
Wrap yourself in the magic of the breeze,
Listen softly to the wind and calm,
Be still sweet, sweet, Fall,
For you are really the best season of all.
Give this magic a chance, a place to grow and change
Color it with love and see what remains.
Right now we must say goodbye to summer, like saying goodbye to an old love.
Embrace the new season upon us, and see what will come
But old loves and seasons will always come back, but each as a new opportunity
too see what may have lacked.
So goodnight, Fall magic air, rest well in the coolness of your season
Wrap yourself in the magic of the breeze,
Listen softly to the wind and calm,
Be still sweet, sweet, Fall,
For you are really the best season of all.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Healing in Progress
I am healing. Day by Day. And this weekend, proved to me, that because I am committed to stay on that trail, good things have come my way. I have not rushed it. I have listened to my heart, head, and body.
I spent the weekend with wonderful friends, new company and old, and noticed my sadness fading. A subtle anger set in, and I knew I had to change something. As the quote I found suggests, with anger, comes change. And so I did something. I only have control over me, and my actions. It was time for me to become empowered, and find my happiness. I end this Monday evening with a smile. And ready to start a brand new school year.
Good night.
Be kind, always.
“Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over
their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.”
"And when you begin to miss me, don't forget it was you who let me go."
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Quote of the Day
Life is all about relationships. The peaks and the valleys. Those who are by your side, and those who leave your side. And those who you learn from along the way. This totally shifted my sense of self when I found it.
"If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present during my success."
-Unknown
Friday, August 31, 2012
Maybe, Maybe Not
I am loving this new article I found by this Psychologist who created Nourishing the Soul. She talks about the effects of body-image in relationships (Confronting Love), and really focusing on the present moment. Are moments really good or bad? What if you are so focused on the events, that you miss the new opportunities. I really took this article (below) and applied it to my life this week. And wow. Amazed. Happy Labor Day Weekend. Be kind, always.
Maybe, Maybe Not: Mindfullness
Maybe, Maybe Not: Mindfullness
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Happy Birthday
Today went as follows:
sleep.sleep.sleep.
poptarts.
hang with Angela on her 27th bday.
frozen margaritas.
mexican.
presents.
journaling.
some hopeful news
and this....
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