Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving. This has been a long time coming. A live journal....it reminds me of my freshman and sophomore years of college when we all had our XANGA journals. I looked back at mine, and my friends' journals and realized that as silly and trivial as they seemed, they really helped a lot of us make it through our first few years of college. It kept us connected, it provided support during tough personal times and school stress. And if nothing else, it gave us a great opportunity for procrastination, before facebook came around. Looking through those old XANGA journals, it brought back an insane amount of memories, some that I had completely forgot about, and they brought a smile to my face---complaining about dorm food, being home sick, wondering what it would be like to actually become a teacher one day, wondering if me and my college roommate would even make it into the college of education, writing about stress and finals, and the delicious rice krispy treats in the cafeteria. Writing about weekend events, new friends, boys, the happiness I felt reconnecting with old friends, pulling all nighters to study for a big exam with new friends, the story of me eating caramels till all hours of the night while studying and not realizing that they had milk in them....as I proceeded to have violent lactose intolerant attack and my poor roommate had to listen to it all. The stories of college parties, and balancing school and a social life, wondering if college was really the right fit for me, stories of getting lost on the CATA buses, working hard to lose the weight I had been, and still do, battle constantly, jumping over the train tracks and splitting open my foot and consequently being stiched up and on crutches for weeks, having major gall bladder surgery freshman year and having three of the most wonderful friends by my side to be there for me, stories about birthdays, and sleepovers, 3AM talks with people I thought I would be friends with for the rest of my life, its funny how the biggest stress in undergrad was a failed test, you gain intense perspective on life after you graduate from college. XANGA was wonderful therapy in a lot of different ways....sure it was fun to comment on friends' posts, and find out about each others lives through writing, but for me, it allowed me to express myself in a way that I wasn't always able to out loud. I have found that many people in life, will listen to you with a solid ear when things are going well and you are happy, but the very minute you being to struggle, the very second things begin to unravel, people run away...all of the sudden because you are going through a rough patch, everything you interpret, say, do, think, act, want, is wrong....like all of the sudden you are stupid and unworthy because of the choices that you made during a challenging time in your life. And despite trying desperately to give second, third, fourth chances at making things right, sometimes, things are just too far gone.

I have always kept a written journal, but I decided to get into professional writing about a year ago. Writing has always done wonders for me personally, it is a great healing tool, a venting tool, and a source of great personal strength. The thing about professional writing, is that eventually, it is published...made public. I had no problem making my XANGA public back in college, but for some reason, I am completely petrified to make my writing public now. Maybe because what I have to write about is so much deeper than weekend plans and a final exam. So it was suggested to me that I try keeping a public journal, something that probably very few people will read, but it is in the public visible to people, if they choose to read it. What the hell, I will give it a try. I have been blessed with happiness, and a second chance at life, and as I venture through my twenties, I want a record of what I was going through, what I was feeling, and maybe, this will get around to enough people, that my writing will touch other people in their twenties trying to figure out their own lives. I am in the same boat with all of you...and I look forward to finding out who we are together. If nothing else, I enjoy writing, so I am spending the extra free time (extra being a relative term considering I am a full time teacher, coach, and am in the middle of going to grad school) I have doing something I enjoy. Writing on paper or on a journal or online allows for no one to talk back, no one to fight back, no one to lie right to your face, no one to challenge you, or betray you, or make you feel completely worthless. ....no matter what you write, it stays there, staring at you on the page, validating each and every thought and feeling. And so with this first entry, I wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving. There is a lot to be thankful for, and a lot left to figure out.... I have faith that this project of mine, is going to lead me down a very interesting path, and I look forward to where I end up at the end of this journey.