Lessons Learned

It's difficult to be lovingly truthful with others. When an opportunity arises to confront someone with the truth, we lock up; our hearts race and our adrenaline pumps at the mere prospect of speaking our mind.

It's always easier to tell people what they want to hear. It's more comfortable to agree with someone even if we don't agree in our hearts.

Fear of speaking the truth is a stumbling block we face in our desire to experience fulfilling, honest and loving relationships. When we hold something back, that something separates us from the other person.

Today, be courageous. Open your mouth when you need to tell the truth.

So this message appeared in my email today, I was just going to put into SPAM, as the sender was motivationalwords.com or something to that effect. But for some strange reason, I decided to open it (probably procrastinating from going to the gym). I read it, and then read it again, and then read it again. The issue of confrontation, the issue of not lieing, but of not telling the truth either, in order to protect someone’s feelings.

I have, unfortunately, had to deal head on with confrontation and the excuse of not telling the truth in order to protect feelings. So I related well to this motivational message. Why is confrontation so hard, for so many of us? We become nervous and defensive and often avoid it all costs. Is it really that hard to tell the truth to someone we care so much about? The message said it is difficult to be lovingly truthful with others; is that to say that the truth will always hurt? That to speak your mind, and tell the truth will always hurt someone’s feelings? Is there a right and wrong way to tell the truth? In my opinion yes, there is. If someone has a huge chunk of food in their teeth, you could say in public a) you look like shit with food between your teeth or quietly sayb) do you know what, you have a little bit of food stuck in your teeth, might want to get that out. Yes, food in your teeth is a trivial issue compared to other truths that need to be told in life, but you get the point. The truth is hard to tell someone sometimes. It is not easy, it is not always fun. When it comes to relationships it is even trickier. What happens if you ask a friend: Do you believe me? Does the friend say yes, as to not hurt your feelings, or does he/she tell you how she really feels. Does the friend say yes, but really mean no? Is he or she just trying to pacify you, until you calm down and the issues disappear. Does the friend say yes, because they really do believe you, until they hear another side of the story and decide to believe that side of the story. Are they just telling you what you want to hear…only later to be heartbroken and betrayed when the truth comes out.

Is it easier, as the message describes, to just tell people what they want to hear and agree with them, because a) you don’t want to hurt their feelings b) you don’t want to deal with telling them how you really feel c) you just don’t care anymore----of course it is easier, hands down. But remember, tell a friend only what they want to hear is a short term solution to a long term problem. The truth will eventually come out, and there is generally a great amount of pain associated with people who say one thing and do another. In these types of situations the person who is just being told what they want to hear, even if it is with good intentions, ends up being lied to, betrayed, angry, confused…the list goes on. As hard as the truth may have been to hear, believe me, even a painful truth is considerably less damaging that listening to a trusted friend tell you what you want to hear, and then doing the complete opposite behind your back, or in front of your face. I don’t wish that experience on anyone, although I know it has happened to many of us.

I think it comes with maturity, and experience, to be honest. Because I have been “burned” in the past so to speak with this kind of situation, it has changed my relationships drastically with other people. My experiences have shown me that some people will tell you only what you want to hear, only to turn around and do the completely opposite for no good reason, or explanation. Some people just do not care, or they are so far deep into the situation they don’t know what else to do, some people just don’t know what they want and I think they take it out on the people they love the most, only to find out that when they do figure their lives out, those people are long gone. I don’t think anyone ever sets out to cause harm on a trusted friend, boyfriend, girlfriend etc. I would hope that would not be the goal in these types of situations. I think that circumstances fall on top of each other, and people make choices that are best for them, without thinking of the other involved. Unfortunately, no matter how much you analyze the situation and think about the what if’s. you cannot change people, nor can you change your past. The choices people make often cause a type of pain that is indescribable, and causes you to lose a piece of yourself that you will never get back.

As the message in my email indicates: When we hold something back, that something separates us from the other person. That something is the truth, honestly, compassion. Before you know it, that separation causes the greatest abyss, even between the best of friends, the long term girlfriends and boyfriends, twenty and thirty year marriages.

Today, be courageous. Open your mouth when you need to tell the truth. Sometimes, the sting of lies and deception makes too deep of a scar to repair, but remember what you learned from your experience for the next time around, because believe me, the opportunity to tell the truth is all around us, there will be another chance to do the right thing. But more importantly, if you realize today, tomorrow, or next year, that you made a mistake, that the truth should have been told in the RIGHT way, and it wasn’t. Remember, it’s never too late to make up for past mistakes. Don't let your fear for truth the second time around, prevent you from doing the right thing this time around. Look for the good in people, despite the mistakes of the past. Make up for lost time. Remember what is important, remember who is important, and remember that putting yourself in a another person's shoes gives you great perspective and a new found appreciation for relationships. Mistakes make us who we are, that is how we learn, how we grow, and how we gain compassion...after all isn't that what life is about, isn't that what Thanksgiving is about, being thankful for second chances and lessons learned.