I did it! In the midst of a very very stressful week of work, Two bad hips, physical therapy and an emergency first time trip to the chiropractor that a friend scheduled for me...I ran in my first 5k race. I surprised myself with how well I did, and I was immensely surprised by how much I love the whole racing scene. The people, the atmosphere were awesome. After a mile and a half warm up watching my friend off to her 10k and walking to my 5k start with other friends...my hip was all warmed up. A few stretches and three sports bras later, I was off. Maybe it was Beyonce's single ladies, maybe it was everyone running around me, maybe it was my friends running with me today and training with me over the last few months, maybe it was because I have wanted to do this for so long and adrenaline kicked in...whatever it was, I was off, and pain free. I had to walk up two hills, my hips couldn't take it, but other than that, I ran the whole time. Finishing with a very acceptable time of 36 minutes 42 seconds. I am officially addicted. I feel so good about myself and so proud of myself. I had a few pretty crappy set backs, but did it! There is nothing I like better than setting a goal and accomplishing it. I NEVER thought I would be a runner. Number 10 has officially been checked off my Bucket List, and as I am looking at my list, number 18 can be checked off too..throwing someone a surpise party. And so can number 21, get into grad school. I haven't checked the list in the while, and I am making some progress. GREAT day today, cannot wait to do it again!
Taking a mental health day off of school tomorrow to regroup, reprioritize and take a day off of stress...a day to take care of myself for once.
Enjoy this beautiful day!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Certainty
Well, I am currently in the middle of memorial day weekend, and loving every minute. A well deserved long weekend, filled with relaxation, getting race ready for next weekend (well at least as race ready as I can get with a bad hip), organizing, spending time with friends, and catching up with some work from school. An interesting event happened today, which made me feel particularly happy about the place I am in my life. It is really funny to me the idea of intimidation and what it makes a person do. Now there is a very big difference between being intimidated, and being nervous or anxious or stressed. Nervousness, anxiousness, stress...all usually inherit characteristics in your personality....they are circumstantial sometimes, they occur when you personally feel there is something to lose from the situation or the outcome. When one is intimidated similar symptoms may appear----one does not make eye contact, heart races, one desperately try to think of what to say, or one may say nothing at all, and then run and hide. The difference lies in this: one that is intimidated must feel guilty on some level about something, or why run, why just the small talk, why not look the person in the eye, there is nothing personally for you to lose, so why feel intimidated? It's the guilt...but just so the situation is not awkward you try to say something quickly, and then kick yourself for how you sounded once you leave the situation, or you may try to convince yourself the other party made it awkward or at least you said SOMETHING...oh, let me reassure you.... everyone noticed your awkwardness and idiotic behavior... the awkwardness and the idiotic behavior portrayed comes in the fact that you were intimidated in the first place. I have to think that intimidation can only happen to a person who is weak, to a person who knows he/she has done something wrong and is not strong enough to confront it. Intimidation reflects the inability to change into a better person, the inability to grow up, mature, apologize, see perspective. Oh, how some people never, ever change.
I, on the other hand, have changed. I have grown and changed in ways that make me feel really good about myself, always trying my very best to be honest and do the right thing. And, I learned that I cannot change other people. I will always keep an open door, because I believe in new beginnings, but people make choices that sometimes have no logical explanation, they just work for them, and are sometimes made at the expense of other people. You just have to hope they are happy with their choices down the line. Many times, you are able to see hindsight before them, but they will have to learn from their own mistakes when reality hits. I see now that you have to be concerned about yourself, what is best for you, surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you, and bring out the change in you.
I have been given a lot of tough lessons over the years. I have battled time and time again to find myself. I realized today that while many doors of many relationships were shut in my face, and scars planted, for each person that left my life, god or someone bigger than me quietly put some really amazing people into my life. I was given a wonderful support system and I have only just started to realize it, and even though I was oblivious to the support because I was too busy worrying about what was long gone, once again, this year, I was blessed to have two more great people and friends come into my life, that have offered nothing but support and a wonderful sense of humor as I try to build the person I want to become. Going through your twenties is not easy...there are absolutely wonderful times that can only happen when you are in your twenties and there are really really horrible times too. I have gotten better about looking at the positive, but I also am constantly anxious and stressed out by nature. All of the good of my personality and all of the bad, have truly been embraced by the people that matter in my life. I have started to develop the mentality where I cannot feel guilty for how I am feeling, and I cannot change my reactions out of fear that people will pull away. I have realized that I tend to hold emotions in, until I am about ready to explode, probably due to past experiences....but now, I am starting to feel comfortable talking, and I realized that talking, to the right people, actually does make me feel better. I am at a point where either you like me or you don't....I am sarcastic, emotional, compassionate, funny, loyal and a complete perfectionist. I worry about the past, I stress out about the future, not a huge fan of change, I apologize probably too often, I have a hard time saying no, I care about how I treat people and I wear my heart on my sleeve....but with all that comes great passion for what I believe in......you have to accept me the way I am, I will not change my personality because someone is offended or does not like it. This does not mean I will not change and learn from people, it just means that I won't accept being betrayed, lied to, or put down because of how I react to situations or because of the very sensitive personality that I was born with. There is still a lot of work I have to do, a lot to figure out, and some days I feel like a train wreck, but I surround myself with people that have let me know that it is ok to feel this way, and they are always there to offer a listening ear and advice. Most importantly, I have realized, with completely certainty, that I am not alone. And on my hardest days, this knowledge, will get me through, and I am completely thankful.
After 12 hours of organizing my life, I am sitting in a VERY clean room, with labels, boxes, and colored coded lists....I hope sleep tonight will be a very real possibility......
I, on the other hand, have changed. I have grown and changed in ways that make me feel really good about myself, always trying my very best to be honest and do the right thing. And, I learned that I cannot change other people. I will always keep an open door, because I believe in new beginnings, but people make choices that sometimes have no logical explanation, they just work for them, and are sometimes made at the expense of other people. You just have to hope they are happy with their choices down the line. Many times, you are able to see hindsight before them, but they will have to learn from their own mistakes when reality hits. I see now that you have to be concerned about yourself, what is best for you, surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you, and bring out the change in you.
I have been given a lot of tough lessons over the years. I have battled time and time again to find myself. I realized today that while many doors of many relationships were shut in my face, and scars planted, for each person that left my life, god or someone bigger than me quietly put some really amazing people into my life. I was given a wonderful support system and I have only just started to realize it, and even though I was oblivious to the support because I was too busy worrying about what was long gone, once again, this year, I was blessed to have two more great people and friends come into my life, that have offered nothing but support and a wonderful sense of humor as I try to build the person I want to become. Going through your twenties is not easy...there are absolutely wonderful times that can only happen when you are in your twenties and there are really really horrible times too. I have gotten better about looking at the positive, but I also am constantly anxious and stressed out by nature. All of the good of my personality and all of the bad, have truly been embraced by the people that matter in my life. I have started to develop the mentality where I cannot feel guilty for how I am feeling, and I cannot change my reactions out of fear that people will pull away. I have realized that I tend to hold emotions in, until I am about ready to explode, probably due to past experiences....but now, I am starting to feel comfortable talking, and I realized that talking, to the right people, actually does make me feel better. I am at a point where either you like me or you don't....I am sarcastic, emotional, compassionate, funny, loyal and a complete perfectionist. I worry about the past, I stress out about the future, not a huge fan of change, I apologize probably too often, I have a hard time saying no, I care about how I treat people and I wear my heart on my sleeve....but with all that comes great passion for what I believe in......you have to accept me the way I am, I will not change my personality because someone is offended or does not like it. This does not mean I will not change and learn from people, it just means that I won't accept being betrayed, lied to, or put down because of how I react to situations or because of the very sensitive personality that I was born with. There is still a lot of work I have to do, a lot to figure out, and some days I feel like a train wreck, but I surround myself with people that have let me know that it is ok to feel this way, and they are always there to offer a listening ear and advice. Most importantly, I have realized, with completely certainty, that I am not alone. And on my hardest days, this knowledge, will get me through, and I am completely thankful.
After 12 hours of organizing my life, I am sitting in a VERY clean room, with labels, boxes, and colored coded lists....I hope sleep tonight will be a very real possibility......
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Well-written
In between my running schedule, my less than favorable sleeping patterns, and the hecticness of the end of my school year, I have found the need to unwind and am addicted to just curling up in my bed and reading good books. I am in this online book club and I came across this book while doing some research on finding a new york times best seller to read, and found these really interesting quotes as I read my book tonight. It is interesting to me when you can hear emotion and feel emotion off of a page in a book...maybe you relate to the subject, maybe you cannot, but you can just sense that it is very, very well written, at least in my opinion. I have always said if I weren't a teacher, I would be a writer. I still secretly want to write a book one day, I guess I am just enjoy when I come across good writing, so I thought I'd share. So what makes good writing...the ability to relate to the message, the feeling that you understand just what is being written, that emotion comes across the page, you can feel what is being written, whether you have experienced a common situation or not, you can still feel sympathy, empathy, towards the character...or maybe even say I´ve been there. Now, it is not the most uplifting of books, but excellent writing none-the-less:
"...occasionally I wished I could walk through a picture window and have the sharp, broken shards slash me to ribbons so I would finally look like I felt."
"I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible..."
"I intend to scream, shout, race the engine, call when I feel like it, throw tantrums in Bloomingdale's if I feel like it and confess intimate details about my life to complete strangers. I intend to do what I want to do and be whom I want to be and answer only to myself: that is, quite simply, the bitch philosophy..."
"And then there are my friends, and they have their own lives. While they like to talk everything through, to analyze and hypothesize, what I really need, what I'm really looking for, is not something I can articulate. It's nonverbal: I need love. I need the thing that happens when your brain shuts off and your heart turns on.
And I know it's around me somewhere, but I just can't feel it."
"And I know, knew for sure, with an absolute certainty, that this is rock bottom, this what the worst possible thing feels like. It is not some grand, wretched emotional breakdown. It is, in fact, so very mundane:…Rock Bottom is an inability to cope with the commonplace that is so extreme it makes even the grandest and loveliest things unbearable…Rock bottom is feeling that the only thing that matters in all of life is the one bad moment…Rock bottom is everything out of focus. It’s a failure of vision, a failure to see the world how it is, to see the good in what it is, and only to wonder why the hell things look the way they do and not—and not some other way."
"Some friends don't understand this. They don't understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you're wonderful just the way you are. They don't understand that I can't remember anyone ever saying that to me. I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. It is all about If you loved me, if you supported me, cared about me, valued me, were loyal to me...... you would."
“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.”
And 3 things I am thankful for today:
1. That some friends of mine began to make me feel ok to talk about things again, made me feel a lot less alone. There is a lot to process, It's not going to happen overnight, I know that, but I have a place to go now.
2. My mom. It is her birthday today, and while I am in a battle ground with her a lot, I really do love her and was glad she had a good birthday.
3. 18 more wake-up days left of my first year of teaching, ahh, summer;)
.....and of course for how far I have come, and deep down, know how much stronger I will be.
"...occasionally I wished I could walk through a picture window and have the sharp, broken shards slash me to ribbons so I would finally look like I felt."
"I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible..."
"I intend to scream, shout, race the engine, call when I feel like it, throw tantrums in Bloomingdale's if I feel like it and confess intimate details about my life to complete strangers. I intend to do what I want to do and be whom I want to be and answer only to myself: that is, quite simply, the bitch philosophy..."
"And then there are my friends, and they have their own lives. While they like to talk everything through, to analyze and hypothesize, what I really need, what I'm really looking for, is not something I can articulate. It's nonverbal: I need love. I need the thing that happens when your brain shuts off and your heart turns on.
And I know it's around me somewhere, but I just can't feel it."
"And I know, knew for sure, with an absolute certainty, that this is rock bottom, this what the worst possible thing feels like. It is not some grand, wretched emotional breakdown. It is, in fact, so very mundane:…Rock Bottom is an inability to cope with the commonplace that is so extreme it makes even the grandest and loveliest things unbearable…Rock bottom is feeling that the only thing that matters in all of life is the one bad moment…Rock bottom is everything out of focus. It’s a failure of vision, a failure to see the world how it is, to see the good in what it is, and only to wonder why the hell things look the way they do and not—and not some other way."
"Some friends don't understand this. They don't understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you're wonderful just the way you are. They don't understand that I can't remember anyone ever saying that to me. I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. It is all about If you loved me, if you supported me, cared about me, valued me, were loyal to me...... you would."
“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.”
And 3 things I am thankful for today:
1. That some friends of mine began to make me feel ok to talk about things again, made me feel a lot less alone. There is a lot to process, It's not going to happen overnight, I know that, but I have a place to go now.
2. My mom. It is her birthday today, and while I am in a battle ground with her a lot, I really do love her and was glad she had a good birthday.
3. 18 more wake-up days left of my first year of teaching, ahh, summer;)
.....and of course for how far I have come, and deep down, know how much stronger I will be.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Another fork in the road, you keep turning
I have hit several stumbling blocks, and I am none too happy about it. It was told to me once that you will be given the same situations and the same types of people will enter you life and you will make the same mistakes in different ways until you learn your lesson....I thought I had learned it...several of them...several times over. But, these obstacles still keep coming up...hitting me head on, as I try to grow as a person, I understand that it does not happen over night, and I know how much you have to learn in order to grow into the person you become, but a little success a long the way, a little sign from up above that I am doing the right thing, a little nudge saying keep going, a little you WILL be ok, a little you can do this from someone, somewhere, would be really helpful. I have been through so much and am currently going through a lot as well...and I just need there to be a path that says this is the right way, I thought I was on it, I felt good, better, changed....it takes so much to change yourself....a change of lifestyle, attitude, values, morals a new focus and I have tried so hard to do all of this, and I still seem to fall short. It is so easy to fall back into bad habits, why? Why do I feel so different from everyone else? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I focus so much on the failure and not the accomplishment? Ugh, I am frustrated, and irritated and upset and angry. And I know those are ok emotions to have, I have to be ok with them, rational or irrational, they are what they are. But, I hope they are not sending the wrong message. I know I have come far, I have made great strides, but still so far to go, and I just need a bit of help....I hope something or someone comes along to help me trust I am doing the right thing, going the right way, changing my lifestyle in a positive way, seeing perspective and being a good person.
******
You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.
******
The things you want are always possible; it is just that the way to get them is not always apparent. The only real obstacle in your path to a fulfilling life is you, and that can be a considerable obstacle because you carry the baggage of insecurities and past experience.
Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven't half the strength you think they have.
Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.
You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.
If you only look at what is, you might never attain what could be.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Success!
I ran my 5k in 36 minutes 48 seconds today, without stopping. Oh, did it feel good. And it was a fairly pain-free, easy run! I never, ever, ever, thought I would be a "runner," not that I am a marathoner or anything, but still I have always wanted to get into it, always wanted to run a race, and here I am getting race ready! Running is in my blood...just in the fact that it is a challenge, something you have to track, something you have to practice to get good it, its something scheduled, its goal oriented....me, in a nut shell;) Now that this is looking more feasible, I officially signed up for the race, and am excited to complete my first one. I am thinking about doing the 10k across the Canadian bridge at the end of October, we will see how this one goes.
Still no word on my job, but remaining cautiously optimistic. I have to think that being in Livonia is meant to me. I spoke with my friend from my student teaching school today, who I miss greatly, and she told me it was a good thing I didn't take the job I was offered at my student teaching school because they lady that was hired in my place got laid off yesterday. Meant to be, without a doubt, and definitely the right choice. Livonia gave me a very good education, and has treated me well so far. I know their are flaws in the district, but my school is getting Smartboards next year, and really it changes your life as a teacher. Not to mention I love the people there, so I have think that what is meant to be will be. If I am not there, well there will be a reason for that, I will freak out, and melt down, but try to be patient that all will be ok in the end.
I am considering getting a second job this summer and going to grad school...bad idea?? I don't know. I went apartment searching today with my friend, which let me tell you, bringing someone along that has been there, done that, and just add a second eye and opinion is a great idea. I also almost met my future husband, too bad he was engaged ha. But, in all seriousness, it really was nice to go to these places and have someone else's opinion and input, it was definitely a good day and a good afternooon. I went alone originally and came home stressed out, grumpy and overwhelmed. This was a much different experience. I think I have gone down to two apartments, maybe three. Probably two;) Both nice size, washer and dryer in unit, carports for these lovely Michigan winters, within 10-20 minutes of work, close to friends, close, yet far away enough from family, they felt homey, and I realized more than ever how much I need to move out. I will make a decision in the next few weeks then its off to IKEA to decorate:)
I have a big "talk" tomorrow. I am going in with a very open mind, and trying to apply everything I have learned over the past two years as I enter into this. Looking at the good in all people, looking at how much I have changed, what I will stand for and what I won't stand for, how I deserve to be treated, and how I refuse to be treated. I am hoping all things go well.
Feeling good....and in a really good mood. Off to my little Megan's 3rd birthday party...
Still no word on my job, but remaining cautiously optimistic. I have to think that being in Livonia is meant to me. I spoke with my friend from my student teaching school today, who I miss greatly, and she told me it was a good thing I didn't take the job I was offered at my student teaching school because they lady that was hired in my place got laid off yesterday. Meant to be, without a doubt, and definitely the right choice. Livonia gave me a very good education, and has treated me well so far. I know their are flaws in the district, but my school is getting Smartboards next year, and really it changes your life as a teacher. Not to mention I love the people there, so I have think that what is meant to be will be. If I am not there, well there will be a reason for that, I will freak out, and melt down, but try to be patient that all will be ok in the end.
I am considering getting a second job this summer and going to grad school...bad idea?? I don't know. I went apartment searching today with my friend, which let me tell you, bringing someone along that has been there, done that, and just add a second eye and opinion is a great idea. I also almost met my future husband, too bad he was engaged ha. But, in all seriousness, it really was nice to go to these places and have someone else's opinion and input, it was definitely a good day and a good afternooon. I went alone originally and came home stressed out, grumpy and overwhelmed. This was a much different experience. I think I have gone down to two apartments, maybe three. Probably two;) Both nice size, washer and dryer in unit, carports for these lovely Michigan winters, within 10-20 minutes of work, close to friends, close, yet far away enough from family, they felt homey, and I realized more than ever how much I need to move out. I will make a decision in the next few weeks then its off to IKEA to decorate:)
I have a big "talk" tomorrow. I am going in with a very open mind, and trying to apply everything I have learned over the past two years as I enter into this. Looking at the good in all people, looking at how much I have changed, what I will stand for and what I won't stand for, how I deserve to be treated, and how I refuse to be treated. I am hoping all things go well.
Feeling good....and in a really good mood. Off to my little Megan's 3rd birthday party...
Sunday, April 26, 2009
What TIME is it Mr. Fox?
Time. If only it were as easy and fun as the elementary school game "What TIME is it Mr. Fox?" I loved that game, I loved being active, I didn't quite realize the complicated nature of time.
Best friend, worst enemy.
Here I am with 32 days left of my first year of teaching, where did the time go?
Where did this year go?
How much time does it take to learn life lessons?
Time heals, it moves forward, it hurts, it teaches you things, there is never enough of it, it makes you appreciate people, it gives you purpose, you wish you could turn it back, you pray you never have to live it again, you yearn for more of it, you wish it would speed up, you wish it would slow down...time, it's here to stay.
I think the most important lesson I learned this year is patience. Patience with myself, with the people in my life, with my past, with my future, with my students, with my parents, with my friends. Patience, that tomorrow will be better. Patience, in dealing with troublesome students. Patience, in dealing with myself, my self-image, my perfectionist personality, my struggle with change and sensitivity. Patience, in waiting for new people to come into my life that help me find happiness and embrace these crazy years in my early twenties. Patience, in the fact that not everything has to get done today, not every worksheet will be error free, not ever lesson will go smoothly. Patience, in that I will make mistakes, I will say the wrong things, I will treat people the way they shouldn't be treated, but have the patience to go back and say the right things, and repave the rocky the road.
My trip to Florida was wonderful, it showed me how much I deserve to treat myself well, and give myself vacations and time with friends. I deserve it. I come back to the last leg of school, and while exhausted and overwhelmed, I am feeling excited and accomplished that my chosen career was an overall great success. And while pink slips go out on Friday, I pray that my job is secure and that I will be at my school next year. The staff, the students, I love it. And while there are mixed feelings about administration, school politics etc, I think that could be found in any school. I feel like I found a good groove, a wonderful group of friends, and a very easy transition into and out of my first year. I am incredibly thankful I am not a intern this year, looking for jobs and going to job fairs in this economy must be hell. Michigan State had 92 less schools than last year. I heard from a friend that some interns were talking about only interviewing in one area, only looking for jobs in a few cities....what a poor life decision, do they not watch the news? Do they not want a jobs? Idiots. Priorities people. I am not saying that you may not get lucky and teach in the area you want to, but honestly, only interviewing and looking in a certain area, get over yourself. If financially you can afford your own place, please look in more than just 5 or 6 cities. Interview EVERYWHERE, you never know what will pop up, and where. That is part of life, new experiences, new places, change....you cannot get everything in life handed to you, welcome to the real world. You get a job where there is an opening....not because it is in the ideal suburban environment next to your greatest friends and cool hang outs. Teach where you will make a difference, teach in a place because it fits your major, your passion, go out a limb, spread your wings....or be an idiot and just sub your life away until you get that ideal job. And let me tell you, from experience, the ideal job in your head now, will drastically change after you have taught for a year. Good luck.
Everything happens for a reason...it is, what it is. I am me, take it or leave it. Persistence. Pro-active. Sarcastic. Meant to be. Change. Better people. Better me. I spent so long wondering if I made the wrong choice student teaching back home, I spent so long wondering weather or not teaching back in my home district was a good idea, I spent so long re-wishing I could do it over. Until now. I realized that student teaching back home, allowed me to make contacts I never would have been able to up at STATE. It allowed me to form life-long friendships with people I would never have even seen otherwise. People that have completely changed my view of life, challenges, the future, meaning of family and relationships, and connection. My student teaching gave me an experience that was not in SPARKLE VALLEY, it showed me the realities of urban education, in a positive environment, that showed how much teachers care about giving all students an equal education, passionate about their students, and taught me skills in classroom management, lesson plans, and assessment that were all brought with me this year and made my first year easier than any other first year teacher I have heard of. I don't take back the rough year for anything, in hindsight, because of the better person and teacher it made me. I don't think that people with the typical "perfect" school experience in student teaching, will be as prepared in their first year, nor be able to relate to the vast student population and parents they will encounter. I feel lucky to have had this.
I also feel that it was exactly what was meant to be, to be at my school. Comfort of my old teachers around me, allowed me to stay home and save a lot of money this year, and I have met some great colleagues who have become wonderful friends that have not only helped me out tremendously as mentors and given me wonderful ideas professionally, but have become truly great friends and have supported me in ways I could never begin to thank them for. Life experience, advice, support, a listening ear, perspective, and of course a sense of humor....allowing me to completely be myself and not feel bad talking things out when life gets messy. If I didn't take the path I took, I never would have met them, and I know they came into my life just at the right time, and for just the right reason.
Time and teachers. There is never enough of it as a a teacher, grading, assessment, after school activities. But there is also so much time to get to know the kids and form relationships with them. My job allows me to work with AWESOME kids filled with so much potential, I feel so fortunate to be a part of their lives and to do the job I do. I feel extraordinary lucky that will all my time spent in the public schools system, I came across teachers that have forever changed my life.....they believed in me when I ceased to believe in myself. They read through 4 page emails I sent home from college, they helped me maintain that every desired 4.0 GPA, they gave me confidence, they supported me through student teaching, they went out on a limb for me, they continue to support me and believe in me and still instill a sense of confidence that I could never have on my own. Their compassion for me as a person, who I am, and who I am striving to be shows me what true friendship can come out of my chosen profession and colleague support. It also shows me that I will be unconditionally supported by these people, some of whom I have known since I was 11 years old, for the rest of my life. And with how I have felt in the past, this is very comforting.
As far as relationships go, I have learned that distance has very little to do the value and strength of relationships. I was made to feel very badly for very long because I viewed distance from friends as a bad thing. I was made to feel that I couldn't share negative things I was going through, because people in my life had no room for negativity. I was made out to be this horrible, angry, jealous person because I just needed support and reassurance. What I have learned, is that distance has actually strengthened my friendships. While I miss my MSU friends and high school friends and friends that have moved away desperately, and it was a transition not seeing them everyday, once we moved away from each other, I realized what good friends we really were. A phone call every time a new first happened, a e-mail and surprise visit when we could tell something was not right, visits are as if no time has passed at all, distance gave us the room to grow as people travel our own paths meet new people, friends, boyfriends, yet still come back to the comforts of our friendship. True passion for each others well being, solid in our values for our friendship, unbreakable listening and communcation skills, and wonderful support, advice, memories and laughter. As I look at my future, I know there are may unknowns....graduate school, moving out, marriage, travel, kids...this group of friends have taught me what I deserve, who I am, that I should not be afraid to stand up for what I believe in, they have supported me and listened through every bad event, and stressful situation. I no longer hide things out of fear that it will rip apart our friendships...instead it makes us stronger. There are no secrets, no off limit topics, they have proved time and time again, that I am never alone, no matter what the situation....in a future that is so unknown it is wonderful to know that as independent as they have helped me become, I also know they will always be by my side.
Time. I have a lot left to experience with my time here. There is a lot left to learn, a lot left to enjoy, and I have not mastered appreciating every moment. Life gets crazy and hectic and I get overwhelmed and stressed out. But, that is what tomorrow is for. I always remain hopeful that I will have a lot more time to learn from life, learn from my relationships. Time to enjoy my future family and grandparents and my career. Time to heal from mistakes and past betrayals, and time to rebuild and form new realtionships. Time to enjoy my accomplishments, time to accomplish life goals, time to just breath, and read a book. Time to help others in need, and time to support others when they need me.
Right now, it's time to think that with time, everything will work out exactly as it should. I am strong-willed, and confident, and sensitive, and compassionate and a bit OCD....but time has taught me that all of that is ok because it makes me who I am.
Time taught me that I could not just stop my life and dwell on the negative and the what-ifs and why, and why bad things happen to good people, and try and change other people....no, because I was starting to forget all the good, all the positive, all I had going for me, the best of myself....no one can make me forget, ignore or betray the best of who I am. I recieved some really great advice from a friend that said "You should never feel that you have to apologize for how you are feeling or why you are feeling that way. Whether you are having rational or irrational feelings, they are what they are, and you have to know that it is ok. " It was great advice and gave me much needed perspective on my life, my past, how I feel about myself, what I need from others, what to do with guilt and what I should do when challenges come my way.
So to TIME....for all the good and all of the bad and all the time I have left........it is now time to take "me time" on this Sunday night before another week passes me by.....
Best friend, worst enemy.
Here I am with 32 days left of my first year of teaching, where did the time go?
Where did this year go?
How much time does it take to learn life lessons?
Time heals, it moves forward, it hurts, it teaches you things, there is never enough of it, it makes you appreciate people, it gives you purpose, you wish you could turn it back, you pray you never have to live it again, you yearn for more of it, you wish it would speed up, you wish it would slow down...time, it's here to stay.
I think the most important lesson I learned this year is patience. Patience with myself, with the people in my life, with my past, with my future, with my students, with my parents, with my friends. Patience, that tomorrow will be better. Patience, in dealing with troublesome students. Patience, in dealing with myself, my self-image, my perfectionist personality, my struggle with change and sensitivity. Patience, in waiting for new people to come into my life that help me find happiness and embrace these crazy years in my early twenties. Patience, in the fact that not everything has to get done today, not every worksheet will be error free, not ever lesson will go smoothly. Patience, in that I will make mistakes, I will say the wrong things, I will treat people the way they shouldn't be treated, but have the patience to go back and say the right things, and repave the rocky the road.
My trip to Florida was wonderful, it showed me how much I deserve to treat myself well, and give myself vacations and time with friends. I deserve it. I come back to the last leg of school, and while exhausted and overwhelmed, I am feeling excited and accomplished that my chosen career was an overall great success. And while pink slips go out on Friday, I pray that my job is secure and that I will be at my school next year. The staff, the students, I love it. And while there are mixed feelings about administration, school politics etc, I think that could be found in any school. I feel like I found a good groove, a wonderful group of friends, and a very easy transition into and out of my first year. I am incredibly thankful I am not a intern this year, looking for jobs and going to job fairs in this economy must be hell. Michigan State had 92 less schools than last year. I heard from a friend that some interns were talking about only interviewing in one area, only looking for jobs in a few cities....what a poor life decision, do they not watch the news? Do they not want a jobs? Idiots. Priorities people. I am not saying that you may not get lucky and teach in the area you want to, but honestly, only interviewing and looking in a certain area, get over yourself. If financially you can afford your own place, please look in more than just 5 or 6 cities. Interview EVERYWHERE, you never know what will pop up, and where. That is part of life, new experiences, new places, change....you cannot get everything in life handed to you, welcome to the real world. You get a job where there is an opening....not because it is in the ideal suburban environment next to your greatest friends and cool hang outs. Teach where you will make a difference, teach in a place because it fits your major, your passion, go out a limb, spread your wings....or be an idiot and just sub your life away until you get that ideal job. And let me tell you, from experience, the ideal job in your head now, will drastically change after you have taught for a year. Good luck.
Everything happens for a reason...it is, what it is. I am me, take it or leave it. Persistence. Pro-active. Sarcastic. Meant to be. Change. Better people. Better me. I spent so long wondering if I made the wrong choice student teaching back home, I spent so long wondering weather or not teaching back in my home district was a good idea, I spent so long re-wishing I could do it over. Until now. I realized that student teaching back home, allowed me to make contacts I never would have been able to up at STATE. It allowed me to form life-long friendships with people I would never have even seen otherwise. People that have completely changed my view of life, challenges, the future, meaning of family and relationships, and connection. My student teaching gave me an experience that was not in SPARKLE VALLEY, it showed me the realities of urban education, in a positive environment, that showed how much teachers care about giving all students an equal education, passionate about their students, and taught me skills in classroom management, lesson plans, and assessment that were all brought with me this year and made my first year easier than any other first year teacher I have heard of. I don't take back the rough year for anything, in hindsight, because of the better person and teacher it made me. I don't think that people with the typical "perfect" school experience in student teaching, will be as prepared in their first year, nor be able to relate to the vast student population and parents they will encounter. I feel lucky to have had this.
I also feel that it was exactly what was meant to be, to be at my school. Comfort of my old teachers around me, allowed me to stay home and save a lot of money this year, and I have met some great colleagues who have become wonderful friends that have not only helped me out tremendously as mentors and given me wonderful ideas professionally, but have become truly great friends and have supported me in ways I could never begin to thank them for. Life experience, advice, support, a listening ear, perspective, and of course a sense of humor....allowing me to completely be myself and not feel bad talking things out when life gets messy. If I didn't take the path I took, I never would have met them, and I know they came into my life just at the right time, and for just the right reason.
Time and teachers. There is never enough of it as a a teacher, grading, assessment, after school activities. But there is also so much time to get to know the kids and form relationships with them. My job allows me to work with AWESOME kids filled with so much potential, I feel so fortunate to be a part of their lives and to do the job I do. I feel extraordinary lucky that will all my time spent in the public schools system, I came across teachers that have forever changed my life.....they believed in me when I ceased to believe in myself. They read through 4 page emails I sent home from college, they helped me maintain that every desired 4.0 GPA, they gave me confidence, they supported me through student teaching, they went out on a limb for me, they continue to support me and believe in me and still instill a sense of confidence that I could never have on my own. Their compassion for me as a person, who I am, and who I am striving to be shows me what true friendship can come out of my chosen profession and colleague support. It also shows me that I will be unconditionally supported by these people, some of whom I have known since I was 11 years old, for the rest of my life. And with how I have felt in the past, this is very comforting.
As far as relationships go, I have learned that distance has very little to do the value and strength of relationships. I was made to feel very badly for very long because I viewed distance from friends as a bad thing. I was made to feel that I couldn't share negative things I was going through, because people in my life had no room for negativity. I was made out to be this horrible, angry, jealous person because I just needed support and reassurance. What I have learned, is that distance has actually strengthened my friendships. While I miss my MSU friends and high school friends and friends that have moved away desperately, and it was a transition not seeing them everyday, once we moved away from each other, I realized what good friends we really were. A phone call every time a new first happened, a e-mail and surprise visit when we could tell something was not right, visits are as if no time has passed at all, distance gave us the room to grow as people travel our own paths meet new people, friends, boyfriends, yet still come back to the comforts of our friendship. True passion for each others well being, solid in our values for our friendship, unbreakable listening and communcation skills, and wonderful support, advice, memories and laughter. As I look at my future, I know there are may unknowns....graduate school, moving out, marriage, travel, kids...this group of friends have taught me what I deserve, who I am, that I should not be afraid to stand up for what I believe in, they have supported me and listened through every bad event, and stressful situation. I no longer hide things out of fear that it will rip apart our friendships...instead it makes us stronger. There are no secrets, no off limit topics, they have proved time and time again, that I am never alone, no matter what the situation....in a future that is so unknown it is wonderful to know that as independent as they have helped me become, I also know they will always be by my side.
Time. I have a lot left to experience with my time here. There is a lot left to learn, a lot left to enjoy, and I have not mastered appreciating every moment. Life gets crazy and hectic and I get overwhelmed and stressed out. But, that is what tomorrow is for. I always remain hopeful that I will have a lot more time to learn from life, learn from my relationships. Time to enjoy my future family and grandparents and my career. Time to heal from mistakes and past betrayals, and time to rebuild and form new realtionships. Time to enjoy my accomplishments, time to accomplish life goals, time to just breath, and read a book. Time to help others in need, and time to support others when they need me.
Right now, it's time to think that with time, everything will work out exactly as it should. I am strong-willed, and confident, and sensitive, and compassionate and a bit OCD....but time has taught me that all of that is ok because it makes me who I am.
Time taught me that I could not just stop my life and dwell on the negative and the what-ifs and why, and why bad things happen to good people, and try and change other people....no, because I was starting to forget all the good, all the positive, all I had going for me, the best of myself....no one can make me forget, ignore or betray the best of who I am. I recieved some really great advice from a friend that said "You should never feel that you have to apologize for how you are feeling or why you are feeling that way. Whether you are having rational or irrational feelings, they are what they are, and you have to know that it is ok. " It was great advice and gave me much needed perspective on my life, my past, how I feel about myself, what I need from others, what to do with guilt and what I should do when challenges come my way.
So to TIME....for all the good and all of the bad and all the time I have left........it is now time to take "me time" on this Sunday night before another week passes me by.....
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Spring has Sprung
With the sun shining and Spring Break officially here, I can feel the excitement that this new season will bring. I am 24 hours away from spending the week in the sunshine state, and cannot wait to spend time with such good friends. It is exactly what I need, friends, sunshine, a break from the routine.
I woke up to a wonderful run this morning, I am supposed to be following this couch to 5k plan, I am using it more like a guideline. This mornings run, wasn't even hard, I just fell into a good rhythm and before I knew it, 37 minutes and 11 seconds later, my 5k loop had been complete. No walking at all. I felt very accomplished, until I looked to my left and saw my two friends running almost 6 miles to see if they can get ready to run a 10k! One step at a time for me though. My hip and knee have not been great, I hope I am not training too hard, I am determined to finish this race at the end of May, I may need to slow down and regroup once I get back from Florida. But right now, I feel very accomplished. I popped on the scale this morning as well, and welcomed a few pound weight loss. It is interesting going about losing weight in a different way, a much healthier way this time around. It's like the weight loss is secondary, distance, speed, time, consistency with running is primary. It's better this way.
39 more school days and I have completed my first year of teaching. Insane. I know I will feel accomplished at the end of the year, there are also a lot of unknowns for next year, and I am hoping we all get what we want, and what is meant to be, without too much stress or drama going on. I do not like school politics.
I have narrowed my search down to 3 apartments for my living situation. I will be visiting all three the week after Spring Break, and I am very excited to move out, and be independent.
I met with my advisor for graduate school. I will be starting school June 29. Two classes to start, and I cannot wait for my new folders, and colored labels:) I planned my entire plan of study over the next three years, and love that I have a plan, an internship all set, and I should be able to pay for it mostly on my own without taking out too many loans.
There has been a lot of growing pains I have been working through over the last year, as I have mentioned before, and I am entering into a very new stage of my life. It's exciting, and scary and frustrating and wonderful all at the same time. It's a time of my life to focus on me, build the person I need to be and want to be. Take care of medical issues that have been put to the sidelines, take care of me personally, professionally, etc. I got some really good advice from friends that said "You know what you want and you are trying to get it the best way you know how. You have to be true to yourself and do what makes you happy." And this is what I am living by....
Happy Spring
I woke up to a wonderful run this morning, I am supposed to be following this couch to 5k plan, I am using it more like a guideline. This mornings run, wasn't even hard, I just fell into a good rhythm and before I knew it, 37 minutes and 11 seconds later, my 5k loop had been complete. No walking at all. I felt very accomplished, until I looked to my left and saw my two friends running almost 6 miles to see if they can get ready to run a 10k! One step at a time for me though. My hip and knee have not been great, I hope I am not training too hard, I am determined to finish this race at the end of May, I may need to slow down and regroup once I get back from Florida. But right now, I feel very accomplished. I popped on the scale this morning as well, and welcomed a few pound weight loss. It is interesting going about losing weight in a different way, a much healthier way this time around. It's like the weight loss is secondary, distance, speed, time, consistency with running is primary. It's better this way.
39 more school days and I have completed my first year of teaching. Insane. I know I will feel accomplished at the end of the year, there are also a lot of unknowns for next year, and I am hoping we all get what we want, and what is meant to be, without too much stress or drama going on. I do not like school politics.
I have narrowed my search down to 3 apartments for my living situation. I will be visiting all three the week after Spring Break, and I am very excited to move out, and be independent.
I met with my advisor for graduate school. I will be starting school June 29. Two classes to start, and I cannot wait for my new folders, and colored labels:) I planned my entire plan of study over the next three years, and love that I have a plan, an internship all set, and I should be able to pay for it mostly on my own without taking out too many loans.
There has been a lot of growing pains I have been working through over the last year, as I have mentioned before, and I am entering into a very new stage of my life. It's exciting, and scary and frustrating and wonderful all at the same time. It's a time of my life to focus on me, build the person I need to be and want to be. Take care of medical issues that have been put to the sidelines, take care of me personally, professionally, etc. I got some really good advice from friends that said "You know what you want and you are trying to get it the best way you know how. You have to be true to yourself and do what makes you happy." And this is what I am living by....
Happy Spring
Monday, March 30, 2009
A right of passage
Well here I sit at 6:30 at night at Panera Bread, enjoying a sizzling hot cup of chicken noodle soup to warm up from these April snow showers, and some bread...i swore of carbs for about two days, but now I am reverting back to carbs....justification....carboloading for my run tomorrow.
My great aunt passed away, my gramma was in the hospital, is temporarily back home but will surely be back soon, my brother is moving home for the summer, my parents are financially stressed among other stresses such as taking care of their own parents, I was accepted to graduate school...and all of this to say I have decided to move out of my house this summer. I have this burning desire for independence, financial and social, and a faltering relationship with people at home has prompted this decision. And while I originally was going to live with a friend, I have decided that I need to be on my own....this did not go over well when I brought it up at our family dinner this weekend.
I love my family, I feel blessed to be in their family, my mom gave up her entire life for me and my brother....something I am not sure I could ever do when I have kids. I am debt free, my entire undergraduate work was paid for me, I have been emotionally and financially supported for years, I was raised with good morals, a good heart, and a respectable reputation, all because of my parents. Every school I went to, knows my family, all my teachers loved my parents and commended them on doing such a great job raising me and my brother. They did a wonderful job. I was a good kid, followed all the rules, was a perfectionist to no ones fault but my own, and now my need for indepdence, spreading my wings, having strong opionions that differ from theirs is being viewed as rebelious, ungrateful, and hurtful. Why is there so much resistance when a child wants to move out? Is it because I am the oldest, the relationship with my mom, the way the relationship has changed, because I now challenge things, the loss of control, losing their "last" duty as parents, I don't know. My preference would be to leave home on good terms, healthy terms, happy terms, but there is a major communication break down. I struggle with how much I should give in, and how much is just normal tension during a new right of passage in life. I feel stressed and awful about the situation when I should be excited for this new venture. I hope when I vent to friends and family about the situation I don't make my parents look like horrible people, they are wonderful people, I have so much of both of them in me, but how they are reacting to this situation is not something I agree with...how much do I have control over, how much should I give in when this is my life? I know life didn't always work out the way that they planned for themselves, but why shouldn't my life workout the way I want it to?
Grad school...so excited. I am excited to get a Masters degree. I am excited to learn about a new subject matter. I am excited to counsel and be counseled...I am guessing it is going to give me some pretty intersting insight on the very eventful happenings that have been going on in my life over the last two years. I think it will help me gain perspective on people that are different than me, I think it will make me appreciate my friends more, and appreciate myself more. It is going to be a LONG road, but I am looking forward to going back to school, meeting new people. Getting my Masters is my bucket list, so I feel really good that I am starting the road to accomplish the goal. I felt such satisfaction just getting in, I set a goal and stand for something, and I intend to achieve it and follow through, I don't quit. Let the ride begin.
It is scary being financially responsible all on your own. I am really bad about asking for help. I feel like asking for help makes me seem not good enough, like I can't do it on my own. It makes me feel like I am a burden on people, that I am asking too much. A lot of this is because of past experience, a lot is ingrained in my personality. I need to work on accepting help, and realizing that God puts some people in your life especially to help you during times you need it most. I need to be more open to that idea. Over the past two years I have and continue the battle of finding myself, who I am, what I stand for, saying no, saying yes, who I am on my own, who I am when I am dating someone, confidence in general. I admire the confidence of those my age and older, I admire their comfort with themselves and with their families and I wonder if I will ever feel that 100% sense of "I am ok with me. My family and friends are ok with me, and if they are not, that is too bad, I am what I am, I do the best that I can, I love the most that I can, I am as honest and loyal and helpful as I can be and I am happy."
Two colleagues and friends of mine have been wonderful to me over this school year and especially these last few months. In their thirities, they have been there, done that, and offer wonderful advice, as a well as a home when I need to escape my own. They ask me everyday is there anything I need, what can they do to help, what do I need....it's been a long time since people have come into my life and looked out for my well-being so much, were so compassionate, and funny, and put things in perspective. Sometimes I just need to vent, and they accept me, flaws and all. It is hard for me to open up, because I am afraid I will be judged, people will run away. But I guess I have to learn and friends, true friends, will embrace my issues, not run away from them. I have been told that life in my twenties, growing up, confidence, sticking up for myself with my family, having my friends and family see me for who I really am is a process...it does not happen over night. I am not patient so this is hard for me, but I am trying. I really do have a good heart with good intentions. I am fiercely loyal and always am happy to lend a listening ear. I always wonder if it is enough. I am very thankful for these two teachers and friends that have come into my life...sometimes I feel all alone in this battle...and while I strive every day to be positive and not be negative....I have struggled in a big way with feeling alone before and I am trying to accept the help from people that are around me that can say "we have been there. we are here for you. tell us what you need." so I don't feel so alone in the struggle. Maybe others my age are struggling for their independence, voice, husband, and life path....but I feel like many my age have it all together, and while professionally, academically I look great on paper, I know there is a lot of personal work I still have to do. But, as I was told, that is normal too, it would be abnormal if I didn't feel that, and it is a process. Breathe. Breathe.
So maybe this right of passage is not as liberating as I would like it to be. It's hard, and emotional, and you realize that there are moments in life that separate your kid life and your adult life. You realize you want different things and have stronger opinions and those you used to agree with you don't agree with anymore and those you never agreed with you agree with all the time. You look in different places for friendships, you look for different things out of relationships, different values and characteristics mean more to you now. You count on people for different things, there are new types of stress, and new types of happiness. The perfect relationships on the outside are not has perfect as the seem...happiness is not always 100% happiness. You realize that people give up a lot of themselves to have families and while growing up you saw that as wonderful, you cannot really imagine yourself doing that. You struggle not to lose who you are, yet there is a lot about you that you want to lose and a lot you want to gain. Nothing is as perfect as it seems, yet is the imperfections that you crave sometimes.....
I found a quote that definied what living with integrity means, it hit home in a big way.
"Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are consistent with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe."
I love this quote. It hits every key point of what I value, what I have to learn, what I stand for. And I believe it is on this note that I end my journal entry, and start report card grades......
My great aunt passed away, my gramma was in the hospital, is temporarily back home but will surely be back soon, my brother is moving home for the summer, my parents are financially stressed among other stresses such as taking care of their own parents, I was accepted to graduate school...and all of this to say I have decided to move out of my house this summer. I have this burning desire for independence, financial and social, and a faltering relationship with people at home has prompted this decision. And while I originally was going to live with a friend, I have decided that I need to be on my own....this did not go over well when I brought it up at our family dinner this weekend.
I love my family, I feel blessed to be in their family, my mom gave up her entire life for me and my brother....something I am not sure I could ever do when I have kids. I am debt free, my entire undergraduate work was paid for me, I have been emotionally and financially supported for years, I was raised with good morals, a good heart, and a respectable reputation, all because of my parents. Every school I went to, knows my family, all my teachers loved my parents and commended them on doing such a great job raising me and my brother. They did a wonderful job. I was a good kid, followed all the rules, was a perfectionist to no ones fault but my own, and now my need for indepdence, spreading my wings, having strong opionions that differ from theirs is being viewed as rebelious, ungrateful, and hurtful. Why is there so much resistance when a child wants to move out? Is it because I am the oldest, the relationship with my mom, the way the relationship has changed, because I now challenge things, the loss of control, losing their "last" duty as parents, I don't know. My preference would be to leave home on good terms, healthy terms, happy terms, but there is a major communication break down. I struggle with how much I should give in, and how much is just normal tension during a new right of passage in life. I feel stressed and awful about the situation when I should be excited for this new venture. I hope when I vent to friends and family about the situation I don't make my parents look like horrible people, they are wonderful people, I have so much of both of them in me, but how they are reacting to this situation is not something I agree with...how much do I have control over, how much should I give in when this is my life? I know life didn't always work out the way that they planned for themselves, but why shouldn't my life workout the way I want it to?
Grad school...so excited. I am excited to get a Masters degree. I am excited to learn about a new subject matter. I am excited to counsel and be counseled...I am guessing it is going to give me some pretty intersting insight on the very eventful happenings that have been going on in my life over the last two years. I think it will help me gain perspective on people that are different than me, I think it will make me appreciate my friends more, and appreciate myself more. It is going to be a LONG road, but I am looking forward to going back to school, meeting new people. Getting my Masters is my bucket list, so I feel really good that I am starting the road to accomplish the goal. I felt such satisfaction just getting in, I set a goal and stand for something, and I intend to achieve it and follow through, I don't quit. Let the ride begin.
It is scary being financially responsible all on your own. I am really bad about asking for help. I feel like asking for help makes me seem not good enough, like I can't do it on my own. It makes me feel like I am a burden on people, that I am asking too much. A lot of this is because of past experience, a lot is ingrained in my personality. I need to work on accepting help, and realizing that God puts some people in your life especially to help you during times you need it most. I need to be more open to that idea. Over the past two years I have and continue the battle of finding myself, who I am, what I stand for, saying no, saying yes, who I am on my own, who I am when I am dating someone, confidence in general. I admire the confidence of those my age and older, I admire their comfort with themselves and with their families and I wonder if I will ever feel that 100% sense of "I am ok with me. My family and friends are ok with me, and if they are not, that is too bad, I am what I am, I do the best that I can, I love the most that I can, I am as honest and loyal and helpful as I can be and I am happy."
Two colleagues and friends of mine have been wonderful to me over this school year and especially these last few months. In their thirities, they have been there, done that, and offer wonderful advice, as a well as a home when I need to escape my own. They ask me everyday is there anything I need, what can they do to help, what do I need....it's been a long time since people have come into my life and looked out for my well-being so much, were so compassionate, and funny, and put things in perspective. Sometimes I just need to vent, and they accept me, flaws and all. It is hard for me to open up, because I am afraid I will be judged, people will run away. But I guess I have to learn and friends, true friends, will embrace my issues, not run away from them. I have been told that life in my twenties, growing up, confidence, sticking up for myself with my family, having my friends and family see me for who I really am is a process...it does not happen over night. I am not patient so this is hard for me, but I am trying. I really do have a good heart with good intentions. I am fiercely loyal and always am happy to lend a listening ear. I always wonder if it is enough. I am very thankful for these two teachers and friends that have come into my life...sometimes I feel all alone in this battle...and while I strive every day to be positive and not be negative....I have struggled in a big way with feeling alone before and I am trying to accept the help from people that are around me that can say "we have been there. we are here for you. tell us what you need." so I don't feel so alone in the struggle. Maybe others my age are struggling for their independence, voice, husband, and life path....but I feel like many my age have it all together, and while professionally, academically I look great on paper, I know there is a lot of personal work I still have to do. But, as I was told, that is normal too, it would be abnormal if I didn't feel that, and it is a process. Breathe. Breathe.
So maybe this right of passage is not as liberating as I would like it to be. It's hard, and emotional, and you realize that there are moments in life that separate your kid life and your adult life. You realize you want different things and have stronger opinions and those you used to agree with you don't agree with anymore and those you never agreed with you agree with all the time. You look in different places for friendships, you look for different things out of relationships, different values and characteristics mean more to you now. You count on people for different things, there are new types of stress, and new types of happiness. The perfect relationships on the outside are not has perfect as the seem...happiness is not always 100% happiness. You realize that people give up a lot of themselves to have families and while growing up you saw that as wonderful, you cannot really imagine yourself doing that. You struggle not to lose who you are, yet there is a lot about you that you want to lose and a lot you want to gain. Nothing is as perfect as it seems, yet is the imperfections that you crave sometimes.....
I found a quote that definied what living with integrity means, it hit home in a big way.
"Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are consistent with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe."
I love this quote. It hits every key point of what I value, what I have to learn, what I stand for. And I believe it is on this note that I end my journal entry, and start report card grades......
Monday, March 23, 2009
A list of life
Entering into the end of March a list of life updates:
1. Had my grad school interview, it went incredibly well. I felt like I was given a psych evaluation with what I had to go through, scenario responses, rating how certain things are important in my life, what I value, labeling pictures with one word meanings....weird, odd, interesting, and so excited to go back to school!
2. Had a 30th surprise birthday party for a friend at school....I love surprise parties, as long as the surprise is pulled off, and it was! It was a great night out, with great people, a lot of laughs, some good drinks, and I feel very lucky to have gotten to know such good people and friends at work.
3. My 5k training is going well, better, my knee brace is successfully working, and once the nice weather hits, I will be glad to train outside.
4. I am going on my first field trip tomorrow, 90 middle schoolers, a play and mexican town to eat. I, for the first time, feel like a real teacher, with real responsibility. The kids are excited, I am paranoid I am going to leave someone in the bathroom in downtown detroit.
5. Had PD day for 6 hours today...and realized the pit falls of education...the politics, the headaches, the common assessment, the lack of direction, teaching to the book, the pitfalls of foreign language, teaching to the test, moving away from teacher originality, I am entering this teaching profession at a very challenging time, frustrating time, and I can see it in two ways. 1) bitch and complain and say I am going to quit 2) get my masters in something outside of teaching to prepare for the future of maybe a more negative teaching field and in the meantime, go into my classroom, do things my way, teach my kids the best I can, make the impact I know I am making, enjoy what I am doing, know that I am doing my very best, do what is required in my way, and worry about the less than positive future in years ahead. With education there is always going to be change, paperwork, new requirements, and with this comes the ability to make a difference, to change the world, if we are allowed that freedom and can break free from the three possible choices on a multiple choice test.
6. Had lunch and spent the day with my all time favorite teacher....she is why I went into teaching, and although she was discouraged at PD today too, I stay in teaching because I want to impact someone the way she impacted me. There are people in my life that just go above and beyond for me, that know me better than I know myself, that look at me and know what is going on, that just understand me...she is one of them. She was my teacher, a mentor and is now a colleague and friend, and I admire her both personally and professionally. I always hoped I would grow up and work back with my old teachers, and here I am fulfilling that dream....it is still all so surreal.
7. I have realized that going out of my comfort zone provides opportunities for great growth. Thanks to some cheerleading and support from a friend of mine, I am embarking on a new journey. I am not sure where it will lead, I am not sure I even know what I am doing, but I am trying to go at this with a new perspective and an open mind. Knowing that if I am rejected, it will be a learning opportunity, if I am rejected, I will learn that I am still worth more than that rejection, that I deserve more, it will be a test of strength, and certainly a test of where I am in my life, and I feel very supported in this endeavor which makes it that much easier to go for it. I hope it leads to something positive.
8. I secretly love March Madness
9. I have realized the value of age and wisdom. I have realized that there is truth in the fact that as you grow older you meet better people. I realized that there is better out there. I have realized how far out of their way people will go for you to support you, give you advice, and genuinely take an interest in your life; the good and the bad. I lost that feeling for a very long time, and it is wonderful to have it back....I need resassurance, I take comfort in knowing that just as I need certain people in my life, they need me in theirs as well.
10. There are so many people engaged and married, at 23! Seriously!!!! I have done a lot of thinking about this situation.....I love the idea of a family, being surrounded by a family, husband, kids, not tomorrow, but its something I definitely want, that security, that crazyness. I know I am not ready yet, I am too set in my ways, still like being on my own schedule, probably too selfish, but I actually think I want it sooner than I realize, without wishing my young life away too quickly.
11. Florida in three weeks!
12. Learning to embrace the unknown, and see where it takes me....because sometimes, in the winds of change...great things happen. I am learning to follow the signs, step out of my comfort zone, and yes I stress about what is to come, but it is with the hope, that what is to come, is something great.
1. Had my grad school interview, it went incredibly well. I felt like I was given a psych evaluation with what I had to go through, scenario responses, rating how certain things are important in my life, what I value, labeling pictures with one word meanings....weird, odd, interesting, and so excited to go back to school!
2. Had a 30th surprise birthday party for a friend at school....I love surprise parties, as long as the surprise is pulled off, and it was! It was a great night out, with great people, a lot of laughs, some good drinks, and I feel very lucky to have gotten to know such good people and friends at work.
3. My 5k training is going well, better, my knee brace is successfully working, and once the nice weather hits, I will be glad to train outside.
4. I am going on my first field trip tomorrow, 90 middle schoolers, a play and mexican town to eat. I, for the first time, feel like a real teacher, with real responsibility. The kids are excited, I am paranoid I am going to leave someone in the bathroom in downtown detroit.
5. Had PD day for 6 hours today...and realized the pit falls of education...the politics, the headaches, the common assessment, the lack of direction, teaching to the book, the pitfalls of foreign language, teaching to the test, moving away from teacher originality, I am entering this teaching profession at a very challenging time, frustrating time, and I can see it in two ways. 1) bitch and complain and say I am going to quit 2) get my masters in something outside of teaching to prepare for the future of maybe a more negative teaching field and in the meantime, go into my classroom, do things my way, teach my kids the best I can, make the impact I know I am making, enjoy what I am doing, know that I am doing my very best, do what is required in my way, and worry about the less than positive future in years ahead. With education there is always going to be change, paperwork, new requirements, and with this comes the ability to make a difference, to change the world, if we are allowed that freedom and can break free from the three possible choices on a multiple choice test.
6. Had lunch and spent the day with my all time favorite teacher....she is why I went into teaching, and although she was discouraged at PD today too, I stay in teaching because I want to impact someone the way she impacted me. There are people in my life that just go above and beyond for me, that know me better than I know myself, that look at me and know what is going on, that just understand me...she is one of them. She was my teacher, a mentor and is now a colleague and friend, and I admire her both personally and professionally. I always hoped I would grow up and work back with my old teachers, and here I am fulfilling that dream....it is still all so surreal.
7. I have realized that going out of my comfort zone provides opportunities for great growth. Thanks to some cheerleading and support from a friend of mine, I am embarking on a new journey. I am not sure where it will lead, I am not sure I even know what I am doing, but I am trying to go at this with a new perspective and an open mind. Knowing that if I am rejected, it will be a learning opportunity, if I am rejected, I will learn that I am still worth more than that rejection, that I deserve more, it will be a test of strength, and certainly a test of where I am in my life, and I feel very supported in this endeavor which makes it that much easier to go for it. I hope it leads to something positive.
8. I secretly love March Madness
9. I have realized the value of age and wisdom. I have realized that there is truth in the fact that as you grow older you meet better people. I realized that there is better out there. I have realized how far out of their way people will go for you to support you, give you advice, and genuinely take an interest in your life; the good and the bad. I lost that feeling for a very long time, and it is wonderful to have it back....I need resassurance, I take comfort in knowing that just as I need certain people in my life, they need me in theirs as well.
10. There are so many people engaged and married, at 23! Seriously!!!! I have done a lot of thinking about this situation.....I love the idea of a family, being surrounded by a family, husband, kids, not tomorrow, but its something I definitely want, that security, that crazyness. I know I am not ready yet, I am too set in my ways, still like being on my own schedule, probably too selfish, but I actually think I want it sooner than I realize, without wishing my young life away too quickly.
11. Florida in three weeks!
12. Learning to embrace the unknown, and see where it takes me....because sometimes, in the winds of change...great things happen. I am learning to follow the signs, step out of my comfort zone, and yes I stress about what is to come, but it is with the hope, that what is to come, is something great.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
A Tragedy has Struck
Suicide struck my school, and by association, it struck me as well. I am emotionally exhausted, and not exactly sure that writing this out is even going to begin to touch on processing this all, but writing has always been extremely therapeutic so I guess I will start here and see where it takes me.
Monday morning we received an e-mail from our principal telling us that a student's parent had called her telling her that her son had tried to commit suicide on Sunday afternoon. My heart immediately sank as I read this e-mail, for various reasons, personal reasons, past experiences, and the thought that our school just went through a suicide prevention program with the kids. We were instructed to keep the information strictly confidential until 5th hour, when each individual teacher would read a letter, that our principal would draft explaining the situation, and we each would read that same letter to our individual classes. How am I supposed to teach, with a straight face, until 5th hour? I was a wreck. I immediately felt guilty because I saw the student's name who had tried to kill himself, and I could not put a face to his name. So I went to a teacher down the hall to look at an old yearbook, to see his face, and then it hit....while I did not have him as a student, I knew him fairly well. Best friends with several of my students, I saw him almost daily after school, and I do believe I even yelled at him a time or two, when he was hanging around in classrooms he wasn't supposed to be in.
I held it together pretty well until 5th hour, when I had to read the letter. We read a letter calmly explaining the situation, that the boy is in critical condition at U of M hospital, and he is there because he attempted suicide. We are all here to support you, our counselors are here to talk etc. So of course, my 5th hour are my wonderfully inquisitive and vibrant 7th graders, and while the young boy who tried to take his life was an 8th grader, the 7th graders weren't as emotionally attached, but they had a million questions. How did he do it? Did he slit his wrists? Will he live? What is critical condition? Can he see? Can he hear? How long till his mom found him? He seemed like a happy kid, I am happy, will this happen to me? Why did no one tell? Let me tell you, the college of education at MSU or at university for that matter, does not prepare you for this as a teacher, I suppose you learn from experience, but I do not wish this experience on any teacher.
We got e-mail updates all night and tonight, and informed students with the new information we had. Of course the rumor mills started, on how he did it, why, who knew, who didn't....all stuff we tried to prevent, middle schoolers are so young to be able to process this. I am struggling to process this. I had students who made jokes because they didn't know what else to do, I had crying students who had to be escorted out of class by a social worker, I had lathargic students, acting out students, questioning students, the loud students were quiet, the quiet ones loud, people trying to start fights, getting angry, jealous, blowing things out of proportion, miscommunicating, all because their emotions had nowhere else to go. We were instructed to give another talk to tell students that the young boy was now in critical condition, and was put in a drug induced coma, part of his brain was cut out to reduce swelling, doctors need 48 hours to determine a prognosis. We were also told that he tried to kill himself my hanging himself, and his mom found him in his room. The principal and counselors went to go visit today, and that is what we know so far....more to come in the next few days.
Apparently some kids knew about it and didn't report it, didn't take him seriously, I have one of the students he told in my class. His face was a sheet of guilt today. How do you even begin to console these kids, how do you even begin to explain, how do you tell kids to conjugate verbs and lets do verb races and study for a test, when their friend may die after he took his own life. My heart breaks, all the teachers just don't know what to do, the kids are just spaced out, lathargic, and some in complete denial. They just don't get it. They sit and ask me when he is coming back to school.....they don't understand that if and when he does wake up, he will not be the same person, his mental state, he may be a vegetable when he wakes up, he is not coming back to school this year, even if my some miracle, he is ok, mentally he cannot come back to school. These 12 and 13 year olds understand death, but they don't.
I cried today, in front of the kids, I guess that makes me human. But I felt awful, my favorite student of all time, bubbly, edgedy, talkative, great student, came in and looked like a train had hit her. She was friends with the boy, and was just beside herself. She came to me quiet at first, then started crying, saying she was good friends with him, and he was just so happy, and she is always happy, is she going to do this too, and I just lost it when I saw how upset she was. The hour ended, and my 5th hour came in, and I had to run next door and have a teacher cover for me for 10 minutes while I pulled myself together. I just felt awful, how do you go on teaching? I did it though, I answered more questions, I updated the students as I got the information, and I made it through another day.
I just cannot unplug from the situation. My head is just spinning, dealing with how I am feeling, and dealing with how the kids are feeling, and how the kids are making me feel. I see how upset his friends are, his family, what this has done to people who know him, knew him, or just saw him in the halls.....he felt like there was no other option, like he could trust no one, no one cared, and look how many people did care. I know what being depressed is like, I know what feeling alone is like, and I certaintly know what is like to question trust among close friends, and I really know what it is like to put up a front like everything is ok.......but this doesn't make it any easier. I am in a very healthy place in my life right now, but I also, now understand, that in that kind of state of mind, you don't realize that people care. And now too, I realize what an important role friends play in this, most just run away when things like this happen, they don't know what to do, they don't question why they are acting this way, they don't tell when they think something is going on....but why? They think they are not serious? The don't know what to do? Kids, please, tell, even if your wrong, it is better to be safe than sorry. Be there for your friends, listen to them, don't run away.
I don't even know. What advice can I give to myself, to them? It's so hard. I feel so awful. I have never been in this role before, I am going into counseling because I have an interest in dealing with these situations, but here I sit, not having a clue what to do or say. I am trying my best, and getting through one day at a time, I am praying for the family of this little boy, and for this little boy, when and if he does come out of this, I hope he can mentally heal safely, I hope he knows that it will get better, I hope he knows that there are people that care about him, and I hope he will learn what to do to prevent this from happening again. I hope the rest of my students learn from him, I hope they grieve in whatever they works best for them, I hope they confide in me knowing that I truly do understand, I hope there are no copy-cat acts, I hope they band together, I hope I can fulfill my role as the teacher and support my students, that is my job now.
Monday morning we received an e-mail from our principal telling us that a student's parent had called her telling her that her son had tried to commit suicide on Sunday afternoon. My heart immediately sank as I read this e-mail, for various reasons, personal reasons, past experiences, and the thought that our school just went through a suicide prevention program with the kids. We were instructed to keep the information strictly confidential until 5th hour, when each individual teacher would read a letter, that our principal would draft explaining the situation, and we each would read that same letter to our individual classes. How am I supposed to teach, with a straight face, until 5th hour? I was a wreck. I immediately felt guilty because I saw the student's name who had tried to kill himself, and I could not put a face to his name. So I went to a teacher down the hall to look at an old yearbook, to see his face, and then it hit....while I did not have him as a student, I knew him fairly well. Best friends with several of my students, I saw him almost daily after school, and I do believe I even yelled at him a time or two, when he was hanging around in classrooms he wasn't supposed to be in.
I held it together pretty well until 5th hour, when I had to read the letter. We read a letter calmly explaining the situation, that the boy is in critical condition at U of M hospital, and he is there because he attempted suicide. We are all here to support you, our counselors are here to talk etc. So of course, my 5th hour are my wonderfully inquisitive and vibrant 7th graders, and while the young boy who tried to take his life was an 8th grader, the 7th graders weren't as emotionally attached, but they had a million questions. How did he do it? Did he slit his wrists? Will he live? What is critical condition? Can he see? Can he hear? How long till his mom found him? He seemed like a happy kid, I am happy, will this happen to me? Why did no one tell? Let me tell you, the college of education at MSU or at university for that matter, does not prepare you for this as a teacher, I suppose you learn from experience, but I do not wish this experience on any teacher.
We got e-mail updates all night and tonight, and informed students with the new information we had. Of course the rumor mills started, on how he did it, why, who knew, who didn't....all stuff we tried to prevent, middle schoolers are so young to be able to process this. I am struggling to process this. I had students who made jokes because they didn't know what else to do, I had crying students who had to be escorted out of class by a social worker, I had lathargic students, acting out students, questioning students, the loud students were quiet, the quiet ones loud, people trying to start fights, getting angry, jealous, blowing things out of proportion, miscommunicating, all because their emotions had nowhere else to go. We were instructed to give another talk to tell students that the young boy was now in critical condition, and was put in a drug induced coma, part of his brain was cut out to reduce swelling, doctors need 48 hours to determine a prognosis. We were also told that he tried to kill himself my hanging himself, and his mom found him in his room. The principal and counselors went to go visit today, and that is what we know so far....more to come in the next few days.
Apparently some kids knew about it and didn't report it, didn't take him seriously, I have one of the students he told in my class. His face was a sheet of guilt today. How do you even begin to console these kids, how do you even begin to explain, how do you tell kids to conjugate verbs and lets do verb races and study for a test, when their friend may die after he took his own life. My heart breaks, all the teachers just don't know what to do, the kids are just spaced out, lathargic, and some in complete denial. They just don't get it. They sit and ask me when he is coming back to school.....they don't understand that if and when he does wake up, he will not be the same person, his mental state, he may be a vegetable when he wakes up, he is not coming back to school this year, even if my some miracle, he is ok, mentally he cannot come back to school. These 12 and 13 year olds understand death, but they don't.
I cried today, in front of the kids, I guess that makes me human. But I felt awful, my favorite student of all time, bubbly, edgedy, talkative, great student, came in and looked like a train had hit her. She was friends with the boy, and was just beside herself. She came to me quiet at first, then started crying, saying she was good friends with him, and he was just so happy, and she is always happy, is she going to do this too, and I just lost it when I saw how upset she was. The hour ended, and my 5th hour came in, and I had to run next door and have a teacher cover for me for 10 minutes while I pulled myself together. I just felt awful, how do you go on teaching? I did it though, I answered more questions, I updated the students as I got the information, and I made it through another day.
I just cannot unplug from the situation. My head is just spinning, dealing with how I am feeling, and dealing with how the kids are feeling, and how the kids are making me feel. I see how upset his friends are, his family, what this has done to people who know him, knew him, or just saw him in the halls.....he felt like there was no other option, like he could trust no one, no one cared, and look how many people did care. I know what being depressed is like, I know what feeling alone is like, and I certaintly know what is like to question trust among close friends, and I really know what it is like to put up a front like everything is ok.......but this doesn't make it any easier. I am in a very healthy place in my life right now, but I also, now understand, that in that kind of state of mind, you don't realize that people care. And now too, I realize what an important role friends play in this, most just run away when things like this happen, they don't know what to do, they don't question why they are acting this way, they don't tell when they think something is going on....but why? They think they are not serious? The don't know what to do? Kids, please, tell, even if your wrong, it is better to be safe than sorry. Be there for your friends, listen to them, don't run away.
I don't even know. What advice can I give to myself, to them? It's so hard. I feel so awful. I have never been in this role before, I am going into counseling because I have an interest in dealing with these situations, but here I sit, not having a clue what to do or say. I am trying my best, and getting through one day at a time, I am praying for the family of this little boy, and for this little boy, when and if he does come out of this, I hope he can mentally heal safely, I hope he knows that it will get better, I hope he knows that there are people that care about him, and I hope he will learn what to do to prevent this from happening again. I hope the rest of my students learn from him, I hope they grieve in whatever they works best for them, I hope they confide in me knowing that I truly do understand, I hope there are no copy-cat acts, I hope they band together, I hope I can fulfill my role as the teacher and support my students, that is my job now.
Monday, March 2, 2009
February snow, brings more March snow?!?
I cannot believe it is March 2, (and 20 degrees to boot). Despite some slow weeks and adjusting to my first year of teaching, this year, as a whole is going so quickly, I can barely keep up. This time last year I was counting down the days till student teaching was over, and now I am trying to slow time down until the end of the year. While I complain that March is going to be a slow month, with only one day off for PD, I know I will miss teaching come summer. I will miss the people, and (most) of the kids, being a routine, and having something to do each day. Not that I will be bored this summer taking a full load of grad school classes, but it will be different. I think there will be a great sense of accomplishment at the end of the year, that I made it through my first year. These last three months, after Christmas break, I have fallen into a good routine with teaching, I feel like my plans are creative, I get the kids up moving, I feel like they are learning something, and besides the parent that told me the reason that his son had a D in my class was because he was GIFTED, and was not being challenged, the year has been going really well. With my feet on the ground with teaching, I was able to become close with two teachers at school that really have welcomed me with open arms. I feel fortunate they have been so supportive, and absolutely hilarious to work with. Since I am my own department, teaching can often feel isolating, and so venting my sarcasm to other teachers was not always possible. However, I have come to rely on these two teachers, on their classroom experience, advice, shared middle school stories, and their acceptance of me into their “group.” They are pretty great people, really good teachers, and I feel really lucky to be able to work with them every day, as colleagues and as friends. There are just some people that come into your life that you just naturally click with, you just feel comfortable talking to, they just understand your situation, your personality, your sense of humor, you have so much in common in very different ways, there is always someone there if you are having a good day or bad, I have realized the importance of having work friends, because I would go insane without adult interaction dealing with 12 and 13 year olds all day. I feel lucky that both of them came into my life during this crazy first year of teaching, and during this crazy often confusing part of life. A lot of different people have come into my life, and it’s funny how once they arrive, you cannot imagine your life without them in it. They come in and bring more clearly into focus where your life is headed, who you are as a person, what you value, and what you deserve.
I am going to Florida in exactly 6 weeks, I am so excited I cannot even take it. It is a LONG overdue trip to visit some amazing friends, and I cannot wait. I am so happy that I have the money and time to go, and so happy to get out of this negative degree weather, seriously, enough is enough. I have the travel bug, Florida in 6 weeks, Europe for the summer????:)
Seriously though, in addition to grad school, I am looking into doing some sort of volunteering this summer, I have this drive to help people lately, I like the way it makes me feel. We will see how it goes and what I can find.
So my 5k. I hurt my knee and am currently wearing a knee brace, but I am still running 3 times a week, elliptical one a week, weights once a week. I am sore, my hips are cracking, my knee is throbbing, but I am determined to make it across that finish line in May.
So its WEIGHTS day, so I am off to work out to ALL THE SINGLE LADIES…..until next time:)
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