Gratitude

Sometimes grief hits you harder on some days vs. others. 
And since my gramma died, my family has not agreed on how to handle papa. 
True personalities have shown, and who self-centered, and who is about family really comes out.
It is not really that they care any less or love any less, but rather, they just have a self-centered personality and don't think of other's as they should. They won't change and it is not worth an ulcer trying to change them.

Tonight, despite the thunderstorm warnings and terrible weather, my brother and I took my papa to Sizzling Sticks, his first time a Mongolian BBQ time place. It was such quality time. He was so adorable, a bit overwhelmed, but did great, and really enjoyed. I literally felt my grandma smiling down. I missed her. I miss her. But I know the sun came out because she smiled on us taking care of her husband of 60 years. 

My heart feels full.

A Love Rooted In Friendship

“Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with.”
-Gillian Anderson


I woke up for 4 days in Chicago next to a man, who is my best friend, but also the man I have loved more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. This life long friend, who has embraced me, and in turn, I have fallen in love. The chemistry was there immediately, the love, took a bit longer, I wanted to make sure the risk was worth it. I spent 4 beautiful days eating delish food in the best restaurants, going to musicals and comedies (with a surprise visit from Tom Hanks!), sitting at bars watching sports, people watching, and each and every moment being taken care of by the best man I know. I can sit and talk with him for hours, and he can do the same for me. Our quirks fit together, just as our personalities compliment each other. He makes me feel better than I have ever felt about myself. Pretty, funny, worth something. His independence and establishment in his personal and professional life shines, he is stable, and reaffirms daily that he won't run. I am just enjoying dating him, loving him, spending any time I can with him. 

I am asked constantly and often ask myself, haven't you felt his way before? Haven't you loved before? Haven't you felt like good things come to those who wait before? The answer to all of these questions is yes. But what is different now, is that I have something to compare it to. It is not the  big feelings, but more the every day real-life feelings. Everyone can fall in love when you are taken on vacations, bought new houses, when everything is exciting and new. But can you stay in love when things become mundane? When conflict arises? What difference of opinions come up? Can you be the couple to raise a family? To compromise your job and travel for the love of a wife and family? Can you handle lifes ups and downs? I never was able to answer these questions before, in fact, the few that I could answer were answered with a NO. But this time around, with this man, all the questions are answered with a yes. I can see it just in the short time we have been together, (which feels like much longer). I can see it in his interactions with my family and friends, I can see it when I cry to him, I can feel it when I discuss the future with him. Life isn't always rainbows and sunshine, vacations and excitement, it is about stability and life events, family, and taking care of a family, encouraging each other's goals, and having maturity when it comes to goals that differ from our own. 

I wish the past didn't haunt me, I wish that I could go into this wonderful relationship without a past to make me question the present, but the truth is, every relationship and every experience is different, my man, my present moment is what I must focus on. If we let the past, tarnish the "now", we ruin the enjoyment of the moment. We ruin the potential of a lasting relationship. Life is about risks and change and embracing the moment; gratitude for what you have. And while the risks and change are not something I like or gravitate towards naturally, I am learning to embrace it because I know what joy it brings.

A trust friend and professional told me that my past relationship was the best mistake I ever made. She couldn't have said it better. My past relationship(s )were wonderful mistakes, that lead me to the man I love. I wouldn't understand what I want, what I need, what I deserve or the maturity and character I need from a man, if I hadn't had my past relationship. So, instead of being bitter, angry, and hurt, I choose instead to be thankful that I didn't end up with cowardly, immature, men who never would have made me happy in the long run.

So while I enter month 5 with this wonderful man by  my side, our first vacation behind us, and falling into a summer of love, fitness, friends and family, I continue to float on cloud 9, realizing, finally, that I SO deserve to be happy. 

Summer Vacay 2013

School's Out For the Summer.
I have fallen in love with teaching again with my amazing group of kids this year.
Surgery is postponed.
Grad school free summer.
2 vacations with my man. 
BFF time.
Me time.
Gym time.
Read time.
I am so bursting with happiness and so in love with life!
This is my summer...to capture the best time of life, with the love of my life, with friends and family around to support me. 
Worry less. Live more. 
I am ok. Nothing has to be perfect. 
Life moves on.
What a difference a year makes. 
What big, important lessons have I learned.
Time does heal.
Better people do enter your life.
Feelings will get hurt.
But better feelings will replace them.
Find a new perspective to view your struggles.
Laugh.
Let go of what you simply cannot change; you cannot change people's priorities or choices.
Love. Fall deep deep in love. It is the most risky, but the most rewarding feeling in the world.
I am deeply in love, deeply happy, and deeply excited for summer vacay 2013~

Memorial Day Weekend, Summer, and Surgery

With 13.5 days left of work, and a big decision of whether or not I should have my hip surgery, this long memorial weekend was a welcomed break from reality. 

Friday afternoon was filled with a nice long nap and capped off with Painting With a Twist for girls night out. I found my inner-painter. And loads of wine. And it was a great way to start off the weekend. Check out my very impressive artwork:) I think I will keep my day job, but for a first time painting it was very fun.

 

The rest of the weekend was spent with my family and my wonderful boyfriend's family, who have opened their arms, hearts and home to me. Funny, filled with kids and family, long-happy marriages, and I fit right in! And the boyfriend fit right into my family as well. We feel like we have been each other's lives forever, our families fit together perfectly, and we love spending time together. The boyfriend's 98 year old grandpa, with no filter mind you, asked why we weren't married yet! Lol. That sure got the families going. But it sure didn't scare my man off. What a relief. We both know we are getting married, it is this unspoken feeling of love, commitment, laughter, protection, family, security, and fate.....And it is THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD.

From movies, to playing rock band, walking in downtown Royal Oak, Plymouth and Birmingham, playing with our cousins and nieces and nephews, watching Boy Meets World Together, hanging out with our siblings and meeting each other's friends. Watching sports games together (And for a change from my past relationships, he actually CARES and UNDERSTANDS what is going on in the game!) My brother and my man get along famously, which is so important to me. 

This weekend was spent sleeping in, going out to brunch with each other, movies, dinners with friends, and games, hours of time with just "us." Laughing at each other and talking about growing up. Filling in each other on our lives, our histories, and the road that lead us to each other. 

He is calm, and has great perspective. He supports every decision. He has really given me good advice about my surgery, but ultimately still respects my decision to be independent and make my own decisions. He is confident, and self-assured, independent and funny, understands a dry sense of humor, and isn't afraid of anyone. He is close to, yet independent from his family, he has the most generous and kind heart, he takes care of me, and each morning, each time I get ready to see him, I still get butterflies because I just have so much love for this wonderful man. 

Sure I have had struggles and will continue to have struggles. I obsess about my weight and hair. But I try to focus on the now. The present. What is ahead of me. And how despite how many times life has knocked me down, it has also done a lot of good and surrounded me with wonderful people.13.5 days until a wonderful summer ahead, filled with vacations, pool time, lots of boyfriend time, friend time, and realizing how much better my life has become in the last year. If I only knew a year ago, what I know now, but I guess that is what time teaches us. Lessons. Appreciation. And Ultimately, life paves the path we were supposed to be, the one paved with fate, that lead me into the life I always wanted, into the arms of the man I was meant to spend my life with.

I never thought....

Being this happy was even possible. I have found my soul mate. Pure fate has taken over, and I am enjoying each moment of this unbelievable thrilling ride to my future:)

The Power of Connection

Ever realize the power of connection?
When timing and space and people just align, and suddenly you find yourself in front of the most amazing person.
The power of connection.
I have felt it many times in my life. Through friends, and relationships
With friends, it is a different kind of connection, I have always believed that certain people come into your life at a certain time, for a certain reason.
As I grow older, I realize just how true this is.
You need certain people during different times of your life, and you realize, often much later, that you don't need some of them forever. They were just  meant for that specific time.

But then you come across someone who you realize may have been placed into your life for a very certain reason: a reason that will last forever. Comfort, maturity, security, education, romance, sarcasm, playful, family, love. All of your life you have been waiting for this connection. All the hurt, suffering, and pain. All the good, success, and hope. It all comes together in this one connection between a man and a woman, where neither is perfect, but they are perfect for each other. They promise to always run towards each other, never away. They take in your past, and rather than criticize, they make friendly jokes of what could of been...just to see your sadness turn to happiness for a brief moment. And they are thankful that you didn't take that path, for if you did, you would have never found each other. 

I am so blessed to have found what I believe to be my life-long connection. It just makes everything else, my whole life, my whole past, my whole future, make sense.

Enjoying each moment of this surreal connection that found its way to me. A smidgen of anxiety, as I wonder what I have done to deserve this and will it be taken away. But alas. No rush. Just small sweet moments. Laughter. And True And Complete Happiness.

He's The One

He's the one. 
I found him.
It's the feeling I have been waiting for my whole life.
I feel loved, respected, and cared for.
We both want the future.
We will take it slowly. Of course.
Learn from our past mistakes, understand life's lessons, and move forward.
Never, before, have I ever had a connection this strong with another person.
Cautiously, slowly, a bit of a risk, a bit of nervousness, but with insurmountable excitement I do believe I have found what I have been looking for my entire life.

I will remember this day and this feeling for a long time.

Simpleness

Simple. Still. Content. 
Learning to just be okay with who I am, what I want, and what I have.
Taking time for myself.
Not taking time away from my life to worry about the things I cannot change or comparing myself  to others.
I have regrets, sure. But you cannot turn back time
And in time, I realize most things do happen for a reason.

Which brings me to this lazy, wonderful Sunday after an amazing weekend with my friends and boyfriend. 
I feel so happy with the people around me. I have never felt so comfortable with another man by my side. Since date one, things have just been comfortable, just clicked. No awkwardness. Total acceptance. Wonderful companionship. Joking. Laughing. Comfort. Breaking down the walls I put up from being hurt in the past. Understanding why I made the decisions I made. Clarity. I have learned so much about myself, about accepting myself, which makes it so much easier to be in a relationship. It is so, very early, but my friends adore my new man, I adore him, and I just cannot wait to spend time with him. It is just a connection that I have never felt before, ever. It makes me giddy, butterflies, and hopeful. 

Spring break is coming up, and another school year will come to an end. This summer will bring many changes, no master's classes, a new job, and travels with a new boy. Just need this snow to go away, and the new season and new changes will be a welcomed addition to my wonderful life:)

One day at a time. Simple. Still. Enjoy.

Past My Bedtime

I am up past my bedtime on a school night.
All for a boy.
That I really like.
He just left.
A mid-week date night.
Deeelish Dinner.
So much laughter.
How have we not met before this time?
Oh, timing.
He is WONDERFUL.
Charming.
Funny.
So smart.
So connected.
Spent 3 hours just talking about life.
That is true companionship.
I am so happy that the lack of sleep I will get before my alarm comes on tomorrow doesn't even phase me.

This GIRL is ON FIRE

I have a good handle on how to manage my job. I focus on my awesome kids, and look forward to my future career that I hope to start this summer:)

I love my place. My home. My own space. No obsessions. Decorated perfectly to fit me. My life. My vision.

I am blessed with a great grouping of friends who each play a very particular role in my life, each is there, at different times, playing a different, yet equally important role.

I walk in April at Eastern Michigan University with my Master's in both School and Community Mental Health counseling. I am only 27. Next up....my doctorate!

I am confident of my health, both physically and mentally, and understand that ups and downs are normal. It is a matter of using all of the supportive resources around me. And supportive people that understand, and stay.

Lastly, I love being in relationships. I love the security of being with a man that makes me feel so good about  myself, my life, my future. I have found someone that does all of this. I look forward to seeing him everytime we are together. It seems like we have known each other for so long. Who knows what the future holds, but for now...I am enjoying EACH MOMENT!

This girl, my friends, IS ON FIRE!

Renewal

Hawaii was amazing. Sun. Great friends. Beautiful environment. Family. Beaches. Water. Just gorgeous. I cannot wait to make my scrap book. It was one of the best week of my life. Renewal. Stress free. Spending time with people who mean the most to me. 

And through this renewal, gorgeous scenery, and perfect vacation brought me home to fresh new look on life. It  has brought me back to a new relationship that I am so excited about. It has brought me home to realize my confidence. It has brought me the realization that I have no time for people who don't have time for me, or need to look at their calendar to schedule me in. I am sensitive, sometimes to a fault, but I care very much about my relationships, friendships, and priorities. Everyone has different priorities and spends their time in the way they choose. I have always let jealously get in the way of my relationships, no longer. I make time for those who make time for me, and don't go out of my way for those who don't. I have ruined relationships and have been hurt very badly when I care too much about other's choices. I live my life for me and those who are closest to me and make time for me. And if that isn't confidence, I don't know what is.

Hawaii and Happiness

Tomorrow morning I am off to Hawaii for my best friend's wedding, flying down with my other best friend
Valentines day was so so special. I got flowers sent to work. No one has ever done that for me before. I love surprises. And I love how my whole school, teachers and students, were envious:) I went out to a beautifully romantic dinner to cap off the wonderful day.

These past two weeks have provided so much clarity for me. So much peace, happiness, self-assurance. I just hope it doesn't get taken away. I am nervous, but optimistic. Cautious but beaming with happiness. I love feeling connection.

I am going on this trip with my head held high. A gift to myself to spend time with friends, in wonderful weather, celebrating a wonderful occasion. No vacation in almost 3 years. It is a true gift to myself. A gift for finishing my Master's Degree, being strong throughout the past year, entering and exiting different relationships, and finally finding a man, with good, deep, promising potential. A man that I can spend hours talking to, that I look forward to seeing each time we meet, that makes me laugh, that is educated, and family oriented, funny, and kind, romantic, and so smart. I have not had this feeling before. Time will tell. But it feels good.

I feel confident. I feel that my relationship with my family is the safest and best it has been in a long time. 

I have committed to a healthier lifestyle, one step at a time, slowly accepting myself and continuing to learn about myself.

Here's to a great trip, with the best of friends, coming home to a wonderful life!

A Beautiful Journey

My life, thus far, has been a crazy, but beautiful journey. 

What I know so far is that it is ok to be emotional; it does not mean I am broken.
It is ok to let others in; they won't all run away; the good ones always stay.
My sense of humor is one of my best qualities; I value laughter in others, and making others laugh.
I am loyal, honest, sincere; and I expect the same from my relationships.
I have different types of relationships and friendships in my life; they all play an integral part. 
Fighting with my family does not mean I don't love them; it just means I am trying to find myself as a individual in the midst of a family unit.
I love learning, and growing, and learning about myself; it is not always easy, but it has proven to be worth it.
People have come into and out of my life; and have taught me very specific lessons.
My heart has been broken; but that also means I taken the risk to love deeply.
I am surrounded by beautiful relationships, wonderful friendships, and fantastic memories; I hold them close.

And recently, I have found a new connection to a man, that while very, very early, it is the kind of connection that puts butterflies in your stomach. The kind of connection that keeps you looking forward to your next conversation, the next time you can see each other. The kind of person that with each conversation you find more and more in common with each other. The kind of man that is a professional, family oriented, funny, smart, caring, supportive, and to know all this, after only a short time, it's just a gut feeling...a gut feeling of happiness, contentment, of excitement for possibility. 

And with that, I anxiously await Friday night:)

My thoughts for this weekend

I was in a on again off again 2 year college relationship. I loved him. I was shy. I didn't know how to express it. I was battling a horrendous eating disorder. I was lonely. Jealous and lost. 

I was in a relationship for almost 2 years. I was treated well. I loved deeply. Until the end. When I was treated horrendously, like a child, like a piece of garbage that never meant anything. I would have gotten married if he hadn't run. I would have also ended up divorced. The depressing reality of our relationship only really appeared to me after the break up. His loss. My gain. I deserve so much more than that relationship ever could have offered. Ever.

I recovered...braver, stronger, more secure than ever. Happier. Free.  I found myself in a 5 month relationship of laughter, commitment, family, and a vow never to run away from me or my past. Never to take off on an airplane across the country when something went wrong, willing to stay until in the end. I learned compassion, and healing, confidence, and true love. I learned what it was like to be with a confident, loving, mature man. But I wanted something more, I wanted the feeling.

And this weekend, already, after just a few conversations, I  have the feeling. I think this may be it. A gentleman. A family man. A true friend. In front of my eyes for so long. Educated, and funny, common interests and goals, compassion, and friendship, loyalty, and humility, risk-taker and sociable. I, in turn, am confident, and excited. Happy and open. After everything I have been through, my heart opens wide, I know who I am, what I want, exactly what I deserve, and I could not be more excited for the events of this weekend!

Paving my Own Path and Gender Socialization

For centuries women were expected to get married and have kids. But now a new phenomenon has occurred...the career woman. And while it can be equally hard and equally gratifying, somehow, it is not respected, we are made to feel guilty, for putting career before family and kids.

I look at the people in my Master's classes, counseling clients with bellies full of babies, morning sickness, and fights with their husbands. I look at myself, and I realize that at 27 years old, I will have my Master's degree and full counseling license in a short 3 months. I am proud of myself, but there is this external pressure that even through this is a huge accomplishment at a young age, I am lacking. Where is my husband, my kids, why am I not settling down? And why is everyone around me seeming to find that settling down path, and I, who wants it so badly, cannot find it.

For me, it is not about choosing career or family, it is not about the gender politics or the guilt, or what I am "supposed" to be doing at my age. Rather, it is about me wanting to find my best friend, a partner to share my life with, my thoughts with, my honest feelings. A partner who understands my past scars, embraces them, and helps me move forward. A partner who will support my budding career AND be supportive of having kids and working at the same time. I always thought I would be the one to first get married and have kids. Always. That reality did not work out for me, but as I stop to think about why, I think it might have been because I wasn't ready, wasn't sure who I was, where I was, or my goals in life in general. 

I am looking for that gut feeling, that gut intuition that my partner will be loyal and confident, caring and kind, generous and funny, educated and flexible. That our chemistry will unite. I want the 100% happiness. I want the company at hockey games, and the romantic candle lit dinners. I want the realness and the commitment. I almost found that. I was so close. So very close. In fact, if I hadn't taken a huge risk and ended this path in my life, I would have found myself married. But I felt I needed something more. It wasn't about the lack of commitment or compassion or understanding or love. In fact, I learned so much. I learned that my longest relationship, the one I thought would last forever, would have been a disaster if I had gone through with a marriage. I would have ended up divorced, no doubt, for various reasons; lack of commitment, lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of common goals, drives, and family ideas. I learned all of this because of my latest relationship. He showed me what a REAL man is. A real, protective, committed, family man.

But just because in my gut, I knew this was none "the one" does not mean I am not grateful for every moment and every lesson I learned. I learned healing and compassion. I learned to trust my gut. I learned that my career can change and my partner will still support me. I learned that is ok to want a family and it is ok to talk about it openly, dream about, use pinterest to post about it, and have open, real conversations about career, family and life.

So do I feel the gender politics of our society, do I feel that biological clock ticking? Of course. I feel the pressures all around me. But if I have learned anything I have learned that I am building my own path. I have learned more about myself in the past 3 years than I have in my entire life. I am proud of my degrees and my education and standing up for what I believe in. I now believe in healing. I now understand what I want and need in a future husband. I now keep people in my heart and in my mind who have taught me countless lessons. Some will stay there forever, some will fade away once the lesson has been learned, some will be blamed and hated forever for how much they hurt me when I never deserved it. But to sit back and feel discouraged and defeated because I am not following the path of many people my age is pointless. 

At 27 years old I have two degrees under my belt, have been to several different countries, can speak two languages, have an amazing, loyal group of friends, and I put others before myself. When that life long partner comes along, I am going to be so confident, so sure, so happy...and it is then, and only then, that I will begin to live the life I always wanted...but in the meantime, I am ignoring what my gender and socialized me to do, and I am paving my own path to happiness.

The Right One

Some food for thought for my bruised heart:

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”
-Anonymous

"Take a second out to think about this. In your life you search and search for the right person for you. Every time you break up with someone you get one step closer to that person. You should look at moving on as getting closer to meeting the right one."

-Ian Philpot

Throwing away the checklist

“I used to think that finding the right one was about the man having a list of certain qualities. If he has them, we'd be compatible and happy. Sort of a checkmark system that was a complete failure. But I found out that a healthy relationship isn't so much about sense of humor or intelligence or attractive. It's about avoiding partners with harmful traits and personality types. And then it's about being with a good person. A good person on his own, and a good person with you. Where the space between you feels uncomplicated and happy. A good relationship is where things just work. They work because, whatever the list of qualities, whatever the reason, you happen to be really, really good together.”
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming


I think we learn the most from those who are different from us. I have spent so much of my life, surrounded by people that are the SAME as me (because I fear change and uncertainty, and crave safety and sameness), that I didn't realize how much I can truly learn by those that are different from me. 

People who grew up less privileged than me, people whose families are drastically different than mine. Sure, it is frightening, and scary, but it also makes me question my deeply-rooted beliefs, prejudices, and what I truly value.

Just because I am no longer using a check-list of certain qualities to determine if a relationship will last does not mean I still do not have high standards. 

This quote explains my newfound beliefs about relationships. Maybe it is because I was in a relationship with someone who was so different from me, someone who grew up so differently than me, has a family so different than mine. It is not about how similar or in this case dis-similar we are, but rather realizing that a particular person does not have the harmful traits of those people in your past. They don't have the flawed personality types of people in your past. They are, to their core, a good , mature, person. When being together doing something, or doing nothing, feels good. There are no questions. No what if's. Things are natural, they do just truly work. 

I could check off a certain height, a certain education level, a certain commitment to family, a certain job, a certain salary...but where has that gotten me? Just plain hurt. I have dated the well educated, career-at-all-costs, financially well off, brilliant family type of guy. But I found that that lead to a spoiled life-style, with family and relationships coming last. 

And so now, I no longer check my qualities off my list. It isn't really about qualities. It is about a feeling of mutual love, respect, and commitment. Friendship. Allowing our differences to flourish. Embracing our scars.  I don't care how much money you make or your wonderful career or how wonderful or weird your family is. It is about the connection. Between you and me.

I have now learned that is about finding someone who doesn't change who they are or what they want. Stability. Someone who commits. Commitment, stability, embracing scars, not running, are not traits I can just check off a list. These are things that connect us. Things that must be shown, not checked off. 

As we enter 2013, I no longer use my well kept checklist that I have used for years to determine if a relationship will work. The check list is gone. It is now all about learning from my mistakes of the past, and avoiding harmful traits. The checklist is blank. Ready to be filled with my partner's own unique qualities he brings to the relationship. Please,be different from me, be drastically different from my original checklist, make me learn and grow and show how how to be a better person. 

Then, allow our different qualities to fold together, let us work, let us grow, and let 2013 be the year where all I have ever wanted becomes a reality and I will get my 100%.


“This is what I know. Don't settle for 40, 50, or even 80 percent. A relationship-it shouldn't be too small or too tight or even a little scratchy. It shouldn't take up space in your closet out of guilty conscience or convenience or a moment of desire. Do you hear me? It should be perfect for you. It should be lasting. Wait. wait for 100 percent.”
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming


 

A Tragedy, and a Corner of Happiness

My eyes are hooked to the TV. 
And I cry.
I cry so very deeply for the lost little angels in Conneticut's elementary school massacre. 
The whole world weeps, but as a teacher, I weep a bit longer, a bit harder, a bit deeper.

In the depths of who I am, I will always be a teacher. I will always be a learner.
My students, those who I influence, will always come first.

I am heartbroken. Cannot look, yet cannot pull myself away from the pictures, stories, and gut-retching details. I am numb.

What would I have done? How would my middle schoolers have reacted? What if this had happened where I teach? I hope to God I never know.

I never believed in heaven until my Grandma died. Now I do. And I hope these lost little angels are in heaven, where my Grandma lives, in a world that is peaceful without violence, where they are without pain, taken care of by the world's lost love ones. 

I have learned it is ok to be angry. It is what I do with the anger that is the important part. 
I am angry at the gunman, I am angry with many parts of my past. But with anger, comes hate, and that is somewhere I will not allow myself to go.

Life is short. 

The world is not perfect, people are not perfect, and my hope is that we can all just find a small corner of happiness in this world....a small space to be yourself, to love, to hope, to see that there is still good in the world.

Today marks a new day for me. 
A day of spreading goodness, hope, spirit, love.

I deserve to only be treated with goodness. When that disappears, I no longer wish to be surrounded by the people that bring me down. I send well wishes to the people of my past that have not treated me with goodness, and hope, they too, find their small corner of happiness in this world; and I hope they learn that committment to goodness, kindness, love, and strong relationships is the only way that one can ever find that small, secret corner of true happiness. 

Our vulnerabilities are what connect us.  I offer compassion to my younger, broken self. And I find myself filled with confidence, goodness, and love as I settle into my very own corner of happiness, gratitude and appreciation. My corner happens to also have a partner. A man. A very good man, whom I fall for more and more each day. Whose arms are safe. Whose heart is kind. Who commits to never wanting to change me. Who commits to a lifetime of ups and downs. Who will battle the violence in the world, quietly, by spreading our own goodness and love for each other and the causes that matter most to us.

To a world filled with bad, I have found my corner of good.

Rest in Peace Grandma, and the little angels of this terrible tragedy. I hope you find your corner of happiness up in heaven.

Pablo Neruda

Oh how I wish I would have found this Poem months ago. But then again, the meaning would of lost itself on me. Too  much pain. Now, it makes perfect sense.

“Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you

And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember....
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land”
― Pablo Neruda 

Life is very lonely when you make the choice to live it all alone. But this was not my destiny. Or my choice.

I made the decision several months ago to open my heart back up. Not look back. And find a "new land." That new land, just happened to open a door to a better future for me, without even knowing it. I am bursting with happiness and excitement for what is ahead. 

My tears watered the seeds for my future happiness.

I have come to the realize the truth in the saying  "that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny."

So much to look forward to this weekend....boyfriend time, dinner club, hanukkah party, I am soaking in the holiday season and how wonderful it feels to be so happy during this time of year.

Goodnight!

Hello Wonderful Winter

"We don't always understand the reasons why at the time," my grandma always told me. 
"But everything does happen for a reason."

I love the feeling of falling in love. And I question how I am falling so hard, for someone so different than everyone in my past. But the feelings are there, cautious, but present. I am held for hours, taken care of, celebrated, laughed with, talked to with the most inner core of true feelings. What a refreshing breath of air, that I can now breath in, to be with someone, who can accept me for who I am, no judgement, and can commit to a lifetime of me. I am humbled. The art of communicating real, true, feelings, being vulnerable and being treated with the respect of realizing that there are two people in a relationship; learning and growing together into a future that will bring me exactly what I want. 

My grandma watches over me. I feel her guidance. I feel her voice inside me. Cautious, Amanda, but let him in. Learn. Grow. Love. Hold on. And if you look closely, you can see our dreidel ornament:)

Thanksgiving Thoughts

I woke up, in the warmth of the arms of another, who looks at me like I am all that matters in the whole world.

I woke up, to friends, best friends, telling me they are thankful for me, and how strong I am.

I woke up, to my family, getting ready for our thanksgiving feast, with babies, and aunts, uncles, cousins, loud laughter, and being together. 

I woke up to acceptance, and love, and fun. 

I woke up to breakfast in bed.

Life has a strange way of working out. I have found strength in places that I thought would forever be insecure. I have a strong body, and a strong mind, and the ability to influence those around me.

I am a confident, grateful, strong, committed woman, passionate about those I love in my life.

I have standards, and will not accept anything less than being treated the very best. With respect, and acceptance, love, and commitment. 

I am committed to sharing my life experience, my life lessons, my passion with those around me, so they too know, that hurt does not last forever, and strength will find you when you least expect it.

I no longer waste time on those who run...life is not about running, but about staying, and appreciating. There will always be those who run, who cannot commit, who try to take back what has been done, but some paths are just paved in fate, what is meant to be, will be, and once you run off a particular path, you cannot return. My path changed this year, uunexpectedly, and  while I tried for a long time to get back on, I realized the path had ended. There was no more road. Only gravel, dust, and memories. 

And so I wake up on this Thanksgiving morning, on a new path, paved just by me, paved with answers and my future, a family, kids, a new career, a new relationship blossoming....and how thankful I truly am on this beautiful morning. 

To life. To holding on. To never settling. To accepting what is meant to be. To angels watching over me.      

GOOD IN GOODBYE

My two favorite jams right now. One by Beyonce, very vindictive, angry, but empowering, the other, by Carrie Underwood, softer, lighter, but the message remains the same. While it may hurt, while it may tear you apart, one day, sooner rather than later, you will find the GOOD in GOODBYE. It will come in pieces, little bites of insight, and you will one day, understand the reasons why.

BEYONCE

What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
I say what goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around...

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I must've been out of my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I, I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
I thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
So baby good lookin' out

[Chorus:]
I wanted you bad
I'm so through with that
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
You turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
And I'm gonna' always be the (best thing you never had)
Oh yeah, I bet it sucks to be you right now

So sad, you're hurt
Boo hoo, oh, did you expect me to care
You don't deserve my tears
I guess that's why they ain't there
When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and baby yes I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
I thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
Baby good lookin' out

[Chorus:]
I wanted you bad
I'm so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
I said, you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
And I'll never be the (best thing you never had)
Oh baby I bet sucks to be you right now

I know you want me back
It's time to face the facts
That I'm the one that got away
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye.

[Chorus:]
I used to want you so bad
I'm so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
Oh you turned out to be (the best thing I never had)
And I will always be the (best thing you never had)
Oh, best thing you never had!

I used to want you so bad
I'm so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
Oh you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
Oh, I will never be the (best thing you never had)
Oh baby, I bet it sucks to be you right now

What goes around, comes back around
What goes around, comes back around
I bet it sucks to be you right now
What goes around, comes back around
I bet it sucks to be you right now
What goes around, comes back around
I bet it sucks to be you right now! 

CARRIE

I heard you laughing in a crowd outside a restaurant we used to go to
I caught a glimpse that stopped me in my tracks
It took me back
You looked happy with that little girl up on your shoulders, happy
I know where she got those crystal eyes of blue
Time’s been sweet to you

[Chorus:]
As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Sometimes, yeah, sometimes, there’s good in goodbye

I don’t regret it
The time we had together
I won’t forget it
But we both ended up where we belong
I guess goodbye made us strong
And yeah I’m happy
I found somebody too who makes me happy
And I knew one day I’ll see you on the street
And it’d be bittersweet

[Chorus:]
But as bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Yeah, sometimes, yeah sometimes, there’s good in goodbye
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Outro:]
As bad as it was, yeah, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you got to let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Yeah, someday you’ll see the reason why
There’s good in goodbye, yeah
Yeah

There's good in goodbye, mmm  

Quote For The New Office

When I get my new job I am blowing this up on the wall: how beautifully worded.
I am so lucky to have people who have been there for me, decided to stay, and not run.
I will instill hope in others, that they too, can feel the love of friendship during their darkness. 
Empowerment.
Change.
Bravery.
Hope.