Another New Year...Welcome 2012

Welcome 2012!
What an amazing, whirlwind this year has been.

My gramma always used to say "good things come to those who wait" and while I wish she was here to see that come true, I know, in spirit, she sees that saying coming to life as I enter the most exciting time in my life.

Life takes you on a strange ride. I think back five years ago. January of 2007. I was student teaching in a high school and a city that I never thought I would end up in. Living with my parents was a constant struggle. I yearned for my independence. I wanted life to be stable. Besides my best friend Angela, whose apartment I lived in part-time, nothing in my life was constant. Student teaching brought a new challenge each day, graduation was looming, as was a job search in this depressed Michigan economy. Friendships were changing, life was changing. What was supposed to be one of the most exciting times in my life, turned out to be one of the most depressing. Completely unsure of myself, trying to desperately hold onto the past, only to find out my tightest grip would not be able to hang on for long.

My first job, just a mere four years ago began to change my life. New friends, new people, a job that I loved. Moving out of my parents was the first major life changing event. It was the first time that I began to take care of myself, and put myself first.

The next few years brought closer friendships, counseling grad classes that made me look at myself, my past, my future in a brand new light. I was suddenly more self-aware than I had ever been. I was surprised at what I found out about myself, the person you are supposed to know best. I had so much growing up to do. So much to learn about myself. So much to learn about the mistakes of my past.

The next few years brought three different school districts, some very "interesting" dates, many disputes with parents, changing friendships, and learning what I really wanted from my life. There were weddings and babies and engagements (and many more anticipated 2012 weddings, babies and engagements to look forward to) Life challenged me to embrace change, when I spent my whole life running from it. Stress hives and all, I adapted. I made the best of the situation, but was not completely happy, rather, I was hiding behind a happy face.

My dating life:

Well, let's just say my very limited dating experience could be a academy award winning movie. I went with the attractive guy with no personality, the big man with no romance, the man who opened his shirt on the first date to show me his gigantic scar and asked me if I wanted to touch it (this relationship was short lived by the way) the man with the boat and small stumpy hands, the man with no chemistry, the man with religion...who liked the torah just a bit too much, the man who couldn't spell, the man who stared at me as I talked for 3 hours, the man who could not hold an intelligent conversation for the life of him, the videogame man, and the man whose heart I broke. For those of people who said I didn't put myself out there enough, fuck you all.

My advice to those dating: it is overrated. Awkward. Uncomfortable. Emotional. Depressing. Distressing. Wait until you are ready. It is ok to cry. It is ok to cry a lot. It is ok to have an emergency call from your best friend (Thanks Ang!) during a date to rescue you. Be patient. Be honest. Don't dress like a whore.

I am a quick judge of character when it comes to men. I can tell from the first date whether or not this is going to work. Then, out of advice from friends, I am told to give it at least 2-3 more dates after that to really get to know them a bit more. Sometimes I followed their advice, sometimes I didn't. Bottom line, if you are dreading going on the date, sweating hours before the date commences, contemplating drinking rat poison rather than going on this date, he is probably not the one.

Enter the South Lyon years:

Enter my fourth school district in four years. Of all places, South Lyon. A good boring drive down Pontiac Trial into farm country. I interviewed for a job in South Lyon when I first graduated. It came down to me and one other person. They chose the other person because she had a math major. Come to find out, she now teaches next door to me and has become one of my good friends.

This is my second year in South Lyon. I have a love-hate relationship with it, but it is mostly love.

1. My kids are hilarious. Laugh out loud funny. Smart. Quirky. Silly. Lazy. Infuriating. Generous. Filled with hormones. Teenagers. They keep me on my toes, and it is the kind of environment where I know I am making a difference.

2. I love teaching Spanish one. I love seeing them in the Fall with no Spanish knowledge and then coming out at the end Speaking Spanish...with me, in stores, with their families. It is awesome.

3. I love rapping in Spanish. So do the kids, I wish I could post these videos. They are pure gold.

4. My colleagues. Some of the most genuine, funny, fantastic educators I know. Hard-workers, poke fun at the politics, and would do absolutely anything for you. It it one of the greatest communities I have ever worked in. They keep me entertained, and give me that adult interaction that is SO needed as a teacher.


I won't teach forever. I am currently enthralled with my counseling classes and have fallen in love with therapy, psychology, and counseling. I already feel I am part time therapist with my kids, and the whole field of psychology fascinates me. I still love teaching too much to quit, but in the future, I will slowly ease my way out of teaching as I build my own family and will quietly begin my PsyD program in psychology with the long term goal of becoming a Psychologist and opening up my own private practice focusing on adolescent issues and concerns. I will also most likely get a certification in eating disorders, and would love to open my own clinic dealing primarily with that disorder. I am passionate about it. I have always had a love of helping others. I think I have a unique view, a unique way of healing through hope and humor.

Loss of Grandparents
Dear Gramma(s),
I miss you everyday.
I miss talking to you.
I miss seeing the joy on your face when I tell you good news.
I miss your optimism.
I miss you at family weddings.
I miss you when I get to hold what would have been your great-grandchildren.
I wonder if you can see me.
I wonder if you can see how happy I am.
I wonder if you are watching over me.
I wonder if you can see my new house.
I wonder if you can see that pictures of you will always be a part of my home and life.
I wish you could be at my wedding one day.
I wish you could meet the love of my life.
I wish you could still give me advice.
I wish I could ask you one more question.
I wish I had one more holiday to celebrate with you.
I wish I could hug you one more time.
I wish I could see you complete your crosswords.
I wish Papa wouldn't have to be alone.
I wish you would have taken better care of yourself.
I hope you can see that I wear your wedding ring everyday.
I hope you are pain free.
I hope you are in a place where you are happy and can be with all our other loved ones that have passed.
I hope you approve of what I am doing with my life.
I hope you can see a little bit of yourselves in me.
I hope you can see me doing my best, thinking of others, and taking care of myself.
I hope to see you again one day, and tell you one more time, how much I love you and much you were missed over all those years.
I love you.

Roberto

10/10/2010 changed my life forever. I know, cliche and corny, but totally legit. :)
I went on a date. Well rushed to a date. I was babysitting, last minute, my friend Jen's kids, and babsitting duties lasted longer than expected. After a quick shower at her house, a dash of make-up, and being released of duties, I rushed over to the Starbucks in Northville and met a boy.

Let's track back a bit. Against everything inside of me, on a drunk late morning/evening, I sent a message on facebook to a boy that looked vaguely familiar to me. To my surprise, he replied. And so began our chain of e-mails that would later be kept in the vault of Manda and Roberto. His e-mails were friendly, charming, interesting, and the boy could actually hold an intelligent conversation. Refer back to my dating section to remind yourself that this was an oddity in my past relationship history. I agreed to a date.

As I rushed to my date that unusually warm Fall day, I realized I was not nervous. At all. What was going on!?!? I of course had Angela on call for an emergency situation but I had a good feeling going into the date.

(WARNING: awkward, lovey-dovey description ahead, again, never thought I would be this person, but sometimes this is how I roll, quietly, the romantic side of me slips out...doesn't happen often so pay attention. )As I awkwardly looked at the coffee selections in Starbucks, I turned to my left, and there he was. A walking Gap model, with a blue and red short sleeve shirt, great jeans, and the cutest curly hair I had ever seen. His "little boy" face got my attention right away, and in that moment, I felt a small butterfly fly into my stomach. We sat outside for over two hours talking about our families, our education, our likes, dislikes, and our travel plans. Come to find out that he and I studied aboard in Spain the same summer at the same University! Our paths must have crossed at Michigan State several times, from our Spanish classes, to our cafeteria meals, but the time must have not been right.

A second date at Cafe Habana, and a third date in Downtown Ann Arbor (on school nights mind you) had me convinced that this might actually be something. His sweet demeanor, his ability to make me laugh, his kind, generous nature, his attention to detail, his interest in anything that interested me, and his ability to leave me speechless (and I am not one who is EVER at a loss for words) had me smitten.

Third and Fourth dates turned into impromptu dinners, driving back between Northville and Ann Arbor, long phone calls, long apartment night talks, a mini-vacation to Grand Rapids for a Friend's wedding, meeting families, Christmas and Hanukkah parties, a surprise Valentines day cruise (a vacation in which we both admit sealed the deal for us, we knew, on that vacation that were meant to be with each other), countless birthday parties, meeting each other's friends, checking Spanish papers together, Google Lunches, concerts, homemade dinners, and ultimately, this past Fall, our first home together.

It has been a wonderfully, fast, whirlwind that has completely spun my world upside down. I never thought I would be "that girl" who fell so deeply in love. I have experienced complete and total acceptance of who I am....something I was and still am so self-conscience of. I experienced honestly, and loyalty and trust all over again in a new way, things that have been severely severed in the past. We have learned so much together, being that this our first serious relationship. We have learned how to deal with bickering families, family expectations of us, religious differences (which may I point out that I feel that religion actually tears people apart more than pulling people together. I lost some faith in religion a long time ago. Organized religion feels cultish to me. "you must be like me, you must believe this, you must do everything for god/jesus/buddha. etc." What happened to being a good person, what happened to being open to celebrating everyone's tradition, what happened to living life with an open mind, what happened to free will and not using religion as an excuse for your actions. I know many people will be irritated my this response, but I strongly believe that celebrating traditions with family and friends, being with family, loving the ones you are with, appreciating them, being a good person, doing the right thing, being honest, is more important that any religious figure, any church service, any christmas tree or menorah.) etc. We have learned to cook together, communicate, and learned that fighting is OK.

What I love most is that we are both completely type A and OCD in completely different ways. We each make fun of each other's quirks, and we know we are not flawless. I love not coming home to an empty house. I love traveling the world together. I love feeling safe, and empowered for the first time in my life. I love being supported, and being made a priority. I love sharing a life with someone who is passionate and cares for the same things I do. I love learning about each other, and growing together. I love the possibilities ahead of us in 2012.

I have found my best friend, the love of my life, and the most generous, kind, supportive, intelligent man I ever have met. At 26 years old, I am starting to become the person I have always wanted to be. I am working on the struggles that I have battled for so long, I am working on undoing years of bad habits, unhealthy patterns, and unhealthy relationships. I have started to find my happy and in the journey of finding myself and my independence, I happened to find the man that completes my journey to happy.

My gramma was right....good things, most definitely, do come to those who wait.

Happy New Year!

A summer of LOVE

I see this summer in a whole new light.

In a light I have never quite seen before.
A summer filled with the light of knowing I will be employed in the fall, in a school that I love, with students who keep me entertained, and with staff that keep me sane.

A summer filled with finishing my master's degree, and opening up my counseling and therapy road ahead of me.

A summer of complete contentment, vacations, and new beginnings.

A summer filled with my best friends, who have proven year after year their support, loyalty, and humor. After many years of relationships filled with turmoil, and drama, and secrecy, I am at the point where I can truly wish the people well in those old failed, relationships, and I understand that they served a very important purpose in my life at that time, and taught me very specific lessons that has made me into the person I am today, and has lead me to the most dear friends I could every ask for, friends that will be in my life forever.

A summer where there is some uncertainty, but I know now, that there will always be uncertainty in life. The difference now, is that I have had the good fortune to move into uncertainty with someone I am totally and completely in love with.

I don't fall for things easily. I don't rush into things. I don't allow myself to be vulnerable often. But, I have been swept off my feet in a mere 8 months.
The feeling is quite indescribable. It is like waking up every morning knowing that you have something amazing to look forward to every day. It is this sense of excitement every time you hear his voice, asking yourself how did I get so lucky that is talking TO ME?!?! It is the feeling of having 1000 people in a room, and having him only notice you. It is his ability to make you feel so good about yourself, compliment you etc without you ever asking him to. It truly is like meeting another half of yourself...someone who compliments you...someone who is the calm to your type A, someone who is the listening ear to your talkative nature, someone who is understanding, to your emotions, and someone who can tease you for all your quirks which just makes you fall in love all over again.

Ahh, a summer of love, I really cannot wait!

I accuse you for being perfect for me...

I accuse you for being perfect for me... (Artist...Jaron and the Long Road to Love)

And a long road to love it has been.
My gramma always told me that good things come to those who wait.
I waited. And waited. And waited.
And grew sad, and lonely, but still happy as I watched some of my closest friends find love.
I self-destructed. I put myself down. There was a lot of blame, a lot of hate. A lot of awkwardness finding my way. A lot of loss.

But in an unexpected way....in a time when I found my footing, my true friends, my dream job, my own place, just four days before my 25th birthday, the long road to love wasn't so long anymore.

I have found the man that is perfect for me. His actions, his looks, his sweetness, his intelligence, his thoughtfulness, his acceptance, his loyalty, his generosity, his sharing of his life with me. And then he said...I love you. And it was in that moment that I accused him, yes accused him, for being perfect for me. And I have not looked back.

So on this sunny April spring day, despite any negative things that I may think about myself, or think about this week, I go to him, my favorite person, who looks past all the negative, and brings into my life as much positive as I could ask for.

What a lucky, lucky, girl. If my gramma could only see me now....

This is Love

It is hard to believe that I sit here in negative degree temperatures, staring at the white snow piled up outside, and in 8 short days I will be navigating the ocean on a cruise with my favorite person. No, this is not another girlfriend trip, this is not an outing with my best friend, my favorite person these days is someone who came into my life just four months ago, and my life was forever changed.

Life has a funny way of surprising you when you least expect it. I am relearning so much about myself. Never did I expect to allow myself to open up to someone with so much honestly, and vulnerability and trust. Someone who is quirky, and smart, and makes me laugh and laughs equally as hard at my sarcastic sense of humor.

To feel accepted for just who I am, the way I am. Feeling safe in pajamas and glasses for a lazy weekend, and feeling safe dressed up for an evening out.

I tread down this new territory a bit scared and a bit nervous. Life changes are not something I love. But I do love this boy that has literally swept me off my feet. And because deep down, I know this is so good for me, I take a leap of faith into something I know will be lasting, something that I have waited so long for, something that I look forward to each day.

I think in life you have to take risks. There is so much to fear in a new life circumstance, but running from it, as I have done in the past has proven to be really destructive. But long standing patterns are hard to break. 25 year coping mechanisms of turning inward, blaming, being scared, not facing things head on have left me in a place that I don't want my life to be in. It take a lot of work to shift your cognitive distortions (a cool psychology word I learned and realize how many I actually have)....distortions are simply beliefs you grew up with that have come part of the workings of your brain and you truly believe them. I am working to change the negative ones. It's taking that risk, that allows you to enjoy pure joy.

I am fulfilled with the friendships in my life...girlfriends that have helped me guide me through this quarter-life crisis that the latest pop-culture has coined. I have learned so much from them about trust and loyalty, gossip, and humor, relationships and the ups and downs of life. I have a wonderful circle around me that took me years to form, but I feel secure in those who I have around me.

The missing link of that circle of support is now in my life, and widening and adjusting that circle is scary and a challenge. But as he begins to complete my circle, I too, feel complete.

I found this quote years ago that says:

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

One of the most important things in life in my opinion is to learn to give out love, and let it come in....
I found him...and I could not feel luckier.........

Oh Winter

As winter approaches, my LEAST favorite time of the year, the anniversary of the death of my grandma, who I miss everyday, my grandma's birthday, my new cousin's 1st birthday that my grandma never got to meet.....I have to take a back seat and just breath.

You learn that you are not at fault or responsible for other's choices, and in six months, one year, or five years, you realize that these choices are all a part of a much bigger picture. What seems devastating at a particular moment ends up turning into the one of the greatest learning experiences of your life; you are suddenly filled with this sense of empowerment that you were right all along, and should never doubt yourself for what you are most passionate about. It is all about self-discovery, while remembering to be mindful of the feelings of those closest to you. The trust will eventually return, and you will look to your left, and then to your right, and realize you cannot fall, because all the right people are suddenly surrounding you in the most positive way, erasing the scars that once were.

I believe in the power of surrounding yourself with people who are open, honest, direct, and in tune to who they are, and how they treat the people around them. Disaster strikes when you find yourself in relationships of any kind that are one sided and narcissistic....suddenly you feel put down, worthless, trying to catch up, uncared for, rejected, engulfed...not healthy. Maybe it is my past experience, maybe it is my degree in Counseling, but talking about what has worked and not worked in the past, and learning from it, embracing it, grieving it, and growing is one of the best gifts you can give yourself.

If there is one thing I learned this year, it is to sit with what I am feeling. Take accountability for what I am feeling, and realize I am not responsible for how others deal with their feelings. In times of stress and grief, many people project their anger, sadness, depression onto you...not intentionally, but it happens. Sometimes suddenly, sometimes for years, and if not addressed, your sense of self is completely non-existent.

Then you learn how to deal with the projected feelings, and repel them off of you, and as soon as you learn to cope, slowly your sense of self begins to heal and grow.

At 25 years old, I am finally gaining the awareness I need to develop my sense of self, to help match my outer confidence to my inner confidence, realizing that it took 25 years of a lot of unknown and will likely take some time to build up this sense of self I had been missing.

Surrounding myself with healthy relationships, taking ownership of my feelings, being in the moment, taking risks, setting healthy boundaries, accepting others limitations, being assertive, allowing myself to ask for help, trying not to hold back....it is not easy, but I believe in the end it will be worth it.

As I slowly allow others in, slowly allow myself to trust, take a leap of faith, stand my ground, I can feel my entire sense of self changing...who I am, and what I want in the future. I allow myself to be happy. I allow myself to share myself with others. I allow myself to be with someone who brings out the best of me, and allows me to let go of my need for control just a bit.

And as Winter approaches, and the firs snow flurries begin to fall, I will bundle up, feel the cold, feel the happiness, and jump in...afterall, what is life about if you can't jump in and enjoy the ride....laugh, learn, challenge me...keep it real, and smile:)

Fall is in the air

I love fall days, and flips flops.
What a year it has been.
Deaths, and births, lost a job, gained another.
I am in love with my job, the students, the environment, I have fallen in love with teaching again.
I am making two goals this Fall...decided against the New Year's resolution, and making a Fall Resolution:

1. Learn how to cook.
2. Run a 10k.

I continue to be surrounded by the best friends a girl could ask for; passionate, loyal, funny, in-your face girlfriends who remind me and push me everyday to take care of myself, and are never more than a phone call away through all the ups and downs. At 25 years old, it has taken quite a few years, but my friendships today reflect the person I have become, and the person I am becoming. No matter how much I resist, I have found unconditional support. That is hard to find.

Sometimes, in the midst of life and changes you take a risk, and come across new people that surprise you... that makes you look at life a little differently, that makes life a little more exciting. A risk sure, but a good risk, nothing great every comes easy. Put yourself out there, enjoy the moment, enjoy this beautiful fall day.

And......remember it's all about being honest, vulnerable, and in the moment. It's ok to have good days and bad days. And it is ok to be emotional and have a shoulder to cry on. But it is equally important to ask for that help, ask for that shoulder, and then stand back up...because remember...

"One day your life will flash before your eyes. You want to make sure its worth watching."

Laughing, Learning, Loyalty, Loving

Dear Laughing, Learning, Loyalty, and Loving.....

Fall 2010.

Here is to learning: learning about myself, my family, my friends, my profession, my new profession, my new school, my new apartment. Learning about Spanish, and English, and my students. Learning about long instilled habits, good memories and bad. Learning about change, and changing for the better, and changing to bring you to where are you supposed to be. To learning about grief and death, and mourning, and learning how to find your way out when you all you can think about is how far down you can go. Learning how far friends will go to be there for you, learning when to ask for help. Learning when to just let go, breathe, and enjoy the moment.

Here is so loyalty: realizing that loyalty is not a option but a requirement, and should be mutual. Loyalty to friends, to family, to all relationships. To loyalty for its persistence, and passion, and stubborn nature. For its proof that not everyone is the same. For its ability to make you feel like you are not alone. For its character and for realizing that you are not the only one who values it.

Here is to loving: loving the people you have in your life, telling them you love them, and appreciating them, because I have lost too many people this year that I loved, and hope I told them enough. I don't want to have to hope, I want to know. To loving what you do, but loving what you stand for more.

Finally, here's to laughing: for its ability to ground me, its ability to cause intense pains in my stomach, tears in my eyes, and water all over my shirt from spitting it out mid-laugh. For the power of sarcasm, and how when you least expect it, you may just run into someone more sarcastic than you, and you realize how happy you can truly be. Laughing, for its ability to give you a break from reality, to smile at your own neurosis, to enjoy even the most awkward moments in your life. To share happiness, to share a smile, to share an inside joke that never goes away. To look back and laugh at the chaos and bad luck, when you realize that all of it happened to put you in a better place, a place where you have found yourself, continue to work on yourself, and appreciate all the good people in your life. Laughter gives me confidence, and a smile, and the ability to brighten someone's day.

I pride myself on a few things: being a good friend, a good teacher, my loyalty and persistence in everything I do, and my sarcasm...the ability to make myself, and the people around me laugh. As we start the 2010-2011 academic year, I once again and off to a new start. Continuing to learn about myself, and find my place...and wherever it may take me, I know that with learning, love, loyalty and laughing I will surely find my way and learn to embrace the unexpected.

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."


"You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control."

--Elizabeth Gilbert

And I'll Stand Back Up.....2009-2010 school year in perspective

The 2009-2010 school year has officially ended, and what a year it has been. I find as a teacher, we live by the academic calendar year, and as September open houses turn into October's Halloween, we find ourselves sailing through to Thanksgiving, and Winter Break. Michigan winters freeze us to the inside of our four walls, and through the depths of the cold, slowly we see the flowers pop up. Spring break comes, reports cards, conferences, honors night, and June graduation is here. Living in the busy day to day life of a teacher, dealing with 150 students, needs, names, e-mails, plans, tests, parties, meetings, grad school, you find yourself on a wheel never really able to take time to realize just how fast each year passes. I will be entering my third year of teaching in the Fall, and I feel like I am just getting out of Michigan State entering my student teaching year.

To say that the past year has been overwhelming, would be an understatement. As I was laid off from the best first year of teaching in, well, history, so I am told, I found myself completely lost last summer. Struggling living at home, sad to leave a school and friends that I had become so close to, wondering how grad school would treat me, wondering how to recreate myself in my post-college, now adult professional and social life.

I say I am not good at change, but the truth is, I am good at change, I have been forced to be flexible. I don't like change, but I can no longer say that I am not good at it. I have transitioned from urban high school, to suburban Title 1 middle school, to suburban very upper class high school, and now back to middle class, middle school. I have come across all different types of students, teachers, environments, and friends. Each school that I have stepped foot into, I have left with awards, letters from students, presents, wonderful friends, and my most recent Superintendents Award of Excellence for inspiring students. While my passion lies in middle school age children, in lower socio-economic areas, I have battled past all the stereo-types and brought my personality into the classroom. I have learned that a sense of humor goes a long way, and a good relationship with your students is key to classroom success and classroom management. Yes, I make fun of my students. Yes, I am fiercely sarcastic. But through this, I also teach them, not just subject matter, but how to create a friendly, respectful environment that you can have fun in.

I left in tears when I left my first year of teaching, laid off. I was lucky enough to get hired once again into a very different district, and while I had mixed feelings, I fell into a school that was truly inspiring. The teachers, staff, administration, and environment were so passionate for what they did, putting students first, and putting teachers first. Showing what truly high expectations and leadership and can bring to a school. I was included in every lunch, every 1/2 day outing, every bar trip, inside jokes, stories, shared rubrics, and projects, and lesson ideas. Any problem I had, it was taken care of immediately. While I thought I would feel like an orphan being on a cart and not having my own room, it allowed me to once again adapt to change, be flexible, and meet many different teachers as I roamed through the halls.

You often don't realize what you have gained until it is gone, and as I found myself laid off once again this year, I realized how wonderful the staff that surrounded me truly was. And I am so appreciative, grateful, and lucky to have made new friends. I continue to get e-mails, phone calls, and texts congratulating me, checking in on me, and supporting me.

In a lucky twist of fate, I took a chance, put myself out there, took a deep breath of confidence, and within 48 hours , and three rounds of interviews, I found myself once again employed in yet another new district, before school even got out this year. I will be a full time middle school Spanish teacher come Fall....my dream job. As a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, I felt both my grandmas looking down on me, telling me, I would be ok. I truly felt that this job is going to be meant to be. Something told me I would get it. Something pushed me to be my best. And I will begin my third year of teaching in the fall teaching 6, 7, and 8th graders Spanish......the age group and subject I am so passionate about. I am thrilled, excited, motivated, and so happy for a stress free summer.

While this year provided an excellent staff, an opportunity for me to teach English, which I fell in love with, and the insurance and money allowed me to move out, I certainly had my fair share of setbacks. I found myself struggling, and I finally took a deep breath and reluctantly asked for help. Within the struggle, the fighting back, the resisting, the emotion of it all, I have learned a great deal about myself, my relationships, and the power of unconditional loyalty, caring for someone more that just a friend, but as a person. Through some unfortunate circumstances in the past, I developed a sort of learned helplessness, I craved equity in my relationships, I craved loyalty, I screamed inside wondering if anyone would pay attention...and it never came. I suffered the consequences, lowered my expectations, and found myself completely self-destructed. Always, deep down, knowing what I expected, wanted, and deserved, but never having the confidence to get it, never thinking I was worth it enough. Oh, if only I could turn back time, and realize how severely wrong I was. If only I could turn back time, and speak my mind, and say, I deserve more, so I am leaving. But I hung onto people, places, and events for too long, because I feared change, I feared losing a part of me. But the truth is, I lost the part of me that was still young, insecure, dependent, afraid, angry...and I have no problem admitting that. I lost the part of me that for so long thought that all my memories and history and worth was wrapped up into specific events, specific people, and filled with betrayal, immaturity, and hurt. As I have written so many times before, time has healed the scars, and in hindsight, I am so much better off, not just with the new people, places, and circumstances that have entered into my life, but the fact that I can confidently say, that I am worth more, and I forgive the past, because it brought me to such a better place.

They say that everything happens for a reason, my entire life I wanted to be a teacher, and while I always pictured my teaching career a certain way, the path it has taken has certainly been different that I had imagined. However, it has bought experiences and people in my life that completely changed me. I last minute decision to student teach in Detroit instead of East Lansing caused a lot of tension. I found myself student teaching in a urban district with a teacher that I did not feel confident about upon first impression. But it was just the nerves. I was able to work under a very skilled, sarcastic, intelligent teacher that truly let me embrace my creativity, and direct my own learning, and allowed me to realize that I truly could reach any student no matter what race, ethnicity, or age. My next school was my dream job, middle school, Spanish back in the district I grew up in. It was a great place to set my foundation for teaching, to see what building relationships with kids meant, and unexpectedly met a few friends down the hall that have become my closest friends and support. This past year of transitions, sent me to a school that forced me to stretch my teaching abilities both in subject matter, organization, and relationships. I was surrounded by young, fresh, teachers and leadership that really showed me the importance of how to make a school work well.

Throughout this year of transitions, and struggles, I found myself supported by incredibly wonderful friends that I met while surviving my first year of teaching. I have found a completely new respect for people that push you out of your comfort zone, that often care about you more than care for yourself, that accept every flaw, bad mood, struggle, conflict, and keep coming back again and again, even when you push them away harder than you have ever pushed. It is the push, and them pushing harder, that eventually breaks down the walls you have been holding onto for so long. I have been working hard to break down walls, and habits that have been built up over 25 years, and without these people in my life, I really find myself wondering where I would be. Certainly not in the place that I am, and most likely just trying to survive, instead of finding comfort, support, help and enjoying this ride that life is taking me on.

I have learned to look at people and places that have been there all along, I was just too blind to see them. I am learning that it is the people that you don't see everyday, or even every month, but somehow keep in touch and pick up right where you left off when you see them. I am blessed to have such a support system in my life.

Both of my grandmothers passed away within 5 months of each other this past year. And if it had not been for this support system that I have....the phone calls, texts, and visits even when I refused to talk, it's sometimes the presence of another that just makes life feel a bit less lonely. The passing away of my grandmothers has left a hole in life, my mind, my heart. Everything I value, everything that I have grown up with, every memory, tradition, good news, bad news, accomplishment, milestone, was shared with my grandma. I continue to dial the phone to call her and tell her of my new job, my awards, and find myself filling with tears when I realize no one will pick up on the other end. I miss my grandma daily, sometimes hourly, but I also know that everything she instilled in me is inside me. I question heaven and religion and all that business, but with her death, I forced myself to believe that whoever is up there, whatever exists up there, has to be a better place, where my grandma can still look down on her family and where she is pain free, finally. I wanted her at my wedding, I wanted her to be a great grandmother to my children, and I wanted her to see me as a true adult---she did nothing but support me and forced me to look at the positive, and I will continue to grieve the loss of all this. Her death did not teach me that life is short or appreciate what you have, rather, it taught me the importance of what kind of impact you leave once you leave...the funeral home was filled, her values of family first, honesty, loyalty, equity, tradition will be forever with me, and carried through to further generations and with my Grandpa who still lives, but now alone after 60 years. My heart still breaks.

This summer, with employment in the fall, becoming even more independent, taking one online grad class...I plan to take time for myself. Be it selfish or not, I need these next 2.5 months to spend on me. to find out the person I am becoming, to learn to habits, new ways of coping, appreciating the people in my life, getting healthy, reading for pleasure, trying yoga, kickboxing, living in the moment. Practice being assertive, and independent, and enjoying the people in my life. Sometimes I try to take on this world by myself, thinking I have all the answers, and don't need anybody's help. But in continuing to learn about myself, I am realizing this is not a sign of weakness, but rather courage to stop self-destructing and understand people are in your life for a reason and want to see you happy. I will have set-backs, you cannot undo 25 years in 2.5 months. But it is coping with the setbacks, it is talking, it is realizing that you are not alone, and realizing that quitting is not an option, it never has been for me, and it never will be. There will be days when I feel like throwing in the towel, when all I want to do is hibernate, but I have to realize that this last year was filled with life, death, surgery, job changes, new people, new places, and it is ok that it takes time to process. Inspired by Sugarland, as I travel through summer vacation.....despite all that comes my way, I am determined to Stand Back Up, and when I push away, I am confident the people in my life with push back..harder.

Happy Summer.

Sometimes it's the unexpected...

With the end of grad school classes looming right around the corner, 10 weeks left of teaching, and beautiful weather right down the road, I have realized the impact of the unexpected.

I am starting to realize that life is all about the unexpected, all the things that have unexpectedly happened to me over the past three years have been some of the greatest learning experiences of my life. Slowly, I am learning to live outside the box, to realize that life is filled with awkward and uncomfortable moments, and you often have to have the courage to follow your own path. It may be the long way around, but the power you gain from accepting what comes your way with a positive attitude makes a world of difference.

The unexpected behaviors that popped up again when I least expected, and the unexpected complete acceptance and support from friends.

The unexpected students that continue to come back to tell me how much of an impact that I made last year.

The unexpected links, connections, relationships that I have influenced me in deeper ways than I originally thought, and realizing that my need to protect worked against me.

The unexpected insight that I get daily by resisting going inward.

The unexpected ways in which I find myself pushing myself, because if you don't push yourself, you are stuck, and when you are stuck, you cannot grow, without growth you cannot change, and without change you cannot reach your true potential.

The unexpected lives lost, that put life into perspective.

The unexpected ways that my friends have shown me how to have a little fun;)

The unexpected ways I make people laugh.

The unexpected ways in which I realize that everything happens for a reason.

The unexpected ways I was treated in the past, only to make way for much healthier ways to be treated in the future. The beauty of learning what I truly deserve.

It's the unexpected that I am finding is slowly making me smile. The unexpected ways in which I find myself being more honest that I have ever been, and allowing people in more than ever before. Setting unexpected boundaries, and opening others. Accepting that this is a hard age...no quite young enough, no quite old enough. But, yet again, unexpectedly, I have stopped setting time limits, because it just leads you to disappointment.

Unexpectedly, I am learning to accept the process, the setbacks, and steps forward, the questioning, and self-exploration, the passion and drive, the comfort and discomfort, the regret and the past, the progress and the future....and in that process, I let new people in, open to the unknown , out of my control future, I have a smile on my face.

After all, what is life without smiling??? At least a little smile...;)

Pema Chodron

I am probably the least religious person you will ever meet. Rooted in tradition, sure. Rooted in values such as putting others first, always doing the right thing, being compassionate and passionate, working hard, and being loyal. Morals-I have them. God-well I believe in some kind of higher power, and with the passing of my grandmother I have made myself believe in a better place, so I know she is happy and out of pain.

I'm at a really changing point in my life...I've learned enough that I know what I want and don't want, I know who I am, and who I am not, but I feel like I lack the opportunity to really express it. There is a lot of chaos going on around me, and I suppose around everyone, but sometimes you feel it more than others. Stress, judgment, what if's, resentment, loss of control, embarrassment, regret, frustration, all emotions that we tend to run away from. We run, and they build up, and we all have to choose how to deal with them. Some people blame others, some people turn selfish, some drink, some avoid it at all costs, some have panic attacks, some just finally break. But, why do we run?

In the last 6 months, I have lost my job, gained a new job, left home, found a new home, had sick grandparents, lost grandparents, taught new school subjects, worked full time, worked part time, lost old friends, found new friends, loved my job, hated my job, and recently took on 8 credits of grad school work. So the question is....when things all around you fall apart, what do you do?

Admittedly, I don't have the best coping skills. My intentions are always strong, and well intentioned, but I get overwhelmed, and tend to beat myself up over the coulda shoulda woulda of the situation. A self-proclaimed perfectionist where failure and a lot of emotion is really not an option, I find myself struggling. And then I found Pema Chodron.

Ok, so I don't know if I am totally sold on this chick, but she is a Buddhist Nun who is pretty anti-organized religion herself, and emphasizes more spirituality, living in the present moment, and teaches dharma ---- giving answers for the tough stuff, and things to do when life falls apart.
It's interesting, it is a totally different way of thinking, but she steers away from preaching, and forcing any time of religious aspects onto you. I am reading her book When Things Fall Apart, and as I am reading I have to stop to write down some parts of the book, they really are quite enlightening. I am a words, quotes and English dork, so I guess I am naturally drawn to this stuff but as I try to grieve the loss of my gramma, establish my independence, find the opportunities to express who I am and what I want, what I have learned and learn to put myself first, I find her comforting.

One of her primary ideas is to practice compassion with yourself. It is something I really struggle with, because I am so hard on myself, and tend to place all the blame on myself. So I am currently trying to give myself a break, and not beat myself so much when I realize I just cannot handle it all, all the time.

Other quotes and ideas that I am really inspired by are:

"The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently."
*Reinforcing the importance of being compassionate towards yourself as you look at yourself honestly, and face what you need to, no matter how painful.

"A further sign of health is that we don't become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it's time to stop struggling and look directly at what's threatening us."
*Don't avoid the painful stuff, don't run from it, it will eat you up inside. It is hard, it is challenging, it will make you question every aspect of yourself, every belief you have ever had, but sometimes facing the hard stuff allows for the most progress.

"Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected. But if that's all that's happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction. On the other hand, wretchedness--life's painful aspect--softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody's eyes because you feel you haven't got anything to lose--you're just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We'd be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn't have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together."
*I love this because it really hones in on taking the good with the bad, and understanding why there needs to be a balance between the two.

"Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape -- all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain."
*Very true.

"So even if the hot loneliness is there, and for 1.6 seconds we sit with that restlessness when yesterday we couldn't sit for even one, that's the journey of the warrior."
*It's the small steps, I like that this emphasizes the small steps, the small progress

"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."
*I always look for a solution, a instant problem solver, sometimes the solution is not instant, it takes time, and time allow for room and space to process and to grow. I'm learning to trust the process, it's hell, but I am trying.

"…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are."
*I like thinking that everything happens for a reason, and everything comes into our life to teach us something, no matter how hard the lesson may be.

"If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher."
*Nothing could be more true.

"The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves."
.........

And in the end, as I have said over the past year or so, I am a work in progress. I think this is good, it's helping me grow. I want, need and crave instant gratification, but life doesn't work like that. I think an important lesson is taking it one day a time, and letting time do it's magic. We don't realize it in the moment, but time really does do amazing things---it heals, allows space to process loss and grief, it brings new people, new experiences, and erases painful ones. It disintegrates hate and broken hearts, and brings new passions, and new wisdom.

So to time, to my closest friends, to Pema Chodron, and to living one day at time....until next time.

Good friends, music, one day at a time

The next few months my life will not be my own, there has been so much going on. I'm writing and journaling and recording, and I sit here at 5AM not able to turn my mind off. Life just isn't fair sometimes, and it piles up with things out of our control. You try desperately to grab onto something you have some sort of control over, and still end up hurting in the end. I know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, there has to be, but right now, it is hard to take the first step. Grief is so hard. Knowing how to cope in the right way is so hard. Not knowing what comes next, if you will make it through that tunnel, is even harder. A good friend of mine told me to escape to the world of music. It allows you to express yourself and relate to something universal. And so I will try to put myself in a less destructive place, try to to put my head in a different place. That is what I am trying to hold onto: good friends, music, a day at a time. I will get through this. And while I try to hide and avoid it all, I have been blessed with this incredible support system that has held me up, and continues to hold me up, every time I feel defeated.




And there's holes in the floor of heaven, and her tears are falling down
That's how you know shes watching
Wish she could be here now
Sometimes when Im lonely
I remember she can see
Yes there's holes in the floor of heaven
And shes watching over you and me
___________________________________

Although the sun will never shine the same,
I'll always look to a brighter day
___________________________________

And I know your shining down on me from heaven,
And I know we'll be together one sweet day

___________________________________

I'm sorry, I never told you, all I wanted to say...

____________________________________

You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
____________________________________

Sometimes I take on this world by myself,
Thinking I got all the answers, don't need anybodys help

_____________________________________
Oh why, thats what I asking
Was there anything i could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song
______________________________________________________
I miss you so much
your light, your smile, your way
though you're gone, you still here
in my heart, in my tears
yeah, you sure left your mark
_____________________________________________________________________
And maybe someday, we'll figure all this out, try to put an end to all this doubt try to find a way to just feel better now and maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud we'll be better off somehow, someday.
________________________________________________________
I've been high, I've been low
I've been yes, and I've been oh hell no
I've been rock and roll and disco
wont you save me San Fransicisco

In dealing........

When we are feeling as if there is no way out, nothing to look forward to,
and we're anticipating only days and days of emotional agony ahead of us,
we need to recognize that we are not alone.
There are many others who have been through grief and are living their lives and functioning as capable, loving people in the world.
We will join them one day...and will, in the future,
live a life that is not governed by wrenching emotion.

Dear Friend,
Please be patient with me; I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time.
Please don't take away my grief or try to fix my pain. The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder. Don't be afraid to cry with me. Your tears will tell me how much you care.
Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems. I feel depleted and drained, like an empty vessel, with nothing left to give.
Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories. Feel free to share your own stories of my loved one with me. I need to hear them.
Please understand why I must turn a deaf ear to criticism or tired clichés. I can't handle another person telling me that time heals all wounds.
Please don't try to find the "right" words to say to me. There's nothing you can say to take away the hurt. What I need are hugs, not words.
Please don't push me to do things I'm not ready to do, or feel hurt if I seem withdrawn. This is a necessary part of my recovery.
Please don't stop calling me. You might think you're respecting my privacy, but to me it feels like abandonment. Please don't expect me to be the same as I was before. I've been through a traumatic experience and I'm a different person.
Please accept me for who I am today. Pray with me and for me. Should I falter in my own faith, let me lean on yours. In return for your loving support I promise that, after I've worked through my grief, I will be a more loving, caring, sensitive, and compassionate friend-because I have learned from the best.

Miss me but let me go

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no grieving in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free
Miss me a little – but not too long and not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me – but let me go
For this is a journey that we all must take and each must go alone
It’s all a part of the Almighty’s plan
A step on the road to home
When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me – but let me go

My greatest loss

I lost so much of my soul yesterday----who I am, the values I hold, this over-arching presence in my life. I write to help cope, and I write to prevent myself from going inward. Yet here I sit, painfully grieving, with this sudden death in my family, and I am truly, whole-heartedly at a loss for words. I have offered to write the eulogy, because I know on some level it will bring me peace, but the thought of writing it down on paper makes it permanent. And I am not sure I am ready for that.


I am comforted by the outpouring of love and support from dear friends and family thus far and the overwhelming amounts of love I am sure I will receive as the rest of the week unfolds, but I find myself heart-broken, speechless, and I know this is only the calm before the storm.

Mindfullness, in the moment

I have started on a new path, and on this new path I have been told to experiment with a concept called mindfulness. A Buddhist concept, not preaching Buddhism, but rather focusing on the now, the present. I was asked if I would be open to this. I am undecided. This cutting edge concept is known to cure anxiety, depression, guilt, eating disorders, even headaches....as well as increase happiness and quality of life. It's a mind game, no pun intended. With a focus on strengths, it is about focusing in the present, meditation perhaps, but for the anxious high strung mind, how does one stay mindful, intuitive, relearning what has been gone for so many years? My research has just begun, and I have not fully accepted the challenge of doing this.

However, I can say, that I am putting myself "out there" more so than ever before, by mere nature of staying in the present moment. I can tell you that there was a time when I never thought I would be understood. I felt like my world was crashing in, trapped by the past, and I was in a battle to find myself, what I stood for, and the intertwined rocky relationships in my life. As I slowly untangle myself from my past, I realize that I now have to feel what I have been holding in for so long. I have grown stronger, more experienced, and learned more than I ever thought was possible about myself and about other people.

I believe in the power of people, and what they can do to you, and for you. I don't believe there are bad people, I believe there are people that make bad choices, that have bad effects on the people in their lives. I focused on the bad far too long. I had the bad surround me for far too long, never realizing the good around me. Never realizing that you have to cultivate the good, and change your attitude towards the good. I believe in the goodness of people, again. Because of others, what they taught me, and what I in turn taught myself, I have become significantly more independent, understanding, compassionate, confident, risk-taking and re-found a part of myself that I lost.

I have realized the profound influence people can have on you---my body reacts to what people do and say to me. I take it in, for better and for worse, and sometimes all the input is hard for me to handle. I am working on healthy ways to handle it all while I am in the moment experiencing it. I have learned the hard way that handling the way that people effect me months and years and weeks later, is not productive.

In this holiday season, I am making it a priority to me mindful. And with mindfulness comes being grateful for what you have in the present moment. I am far from perfect, I struggle constantly with worrying that I will "scare" people off when I face an issue present, or past....but I am learning that the most important people in my life don't scare off that easily, no matter what issue I present them with. However, I think being grateful also means acknowledging that you are willing to grow, willing to learn, and grateful for how far you have come, rather than how far you have left to go. That is what I am trying to do.

I am mindful of the grave teaching economy in this state, and the fragility of my job in the future and so I am grateful for my job and making it half way through my second year of teaching. I do not love it as much as last year, but I am employed, able to live on my own, and still doing what I love. I am grateful that I have started my Masters Degree and I will be done with my MA before I am 26 years old. (Original goal was to be done by 30).

I am grateful for friends pushing me into new experiences.

I am grateful for my new baby cousin and living grandparents.

I have faith that all that I cannot talk about right now, I will be able to express in the future, always keeping myself a priority and other's feeling first.

I am mindful that relationships are learning experiences, I am confident that one day soon, I have prepared myself enough, I am happy enough with myself, that the right person will walk in, and I will realize why it never worked with anyone else.

I am mindful of my sense of humor and thankful that even on my worst day, I still have sarcasm on my shoulder and the ability to make my friends laugh, nothing makes me happier than making other people happy.

I am mindful that people have come into my life for a certain reason, they have left for a certain reason, and some remain for a certain reason:

In the book the Kite Runner, Hassan says to the main character:

"for you a thousand times over"

The true definition of the good in a person. The influence one person can have on you. Self-sacrifice. Doing something for others, before yourself, because it is a priority. I believe that you can be equally defeated and strengthened through other people. I have been both, but most recently I have been strengthened.

I am, in the present, completely mindful, of the fact that my life is filled with really unbelievable friends. My life is filled with many lost friendships, but being in the present moment, I realize now those were small bumps in the road that lead to me to a life filled with loyal, supportive, compassionate, friends, that are also funny as hell, and I truly would be lost without them, added together they have been in my life for over 12 years, and not being a huge fan of change, I take comfort in this. There are the few I have known since I have been 12 years old in middle school, that have seen me through every up and down, and have never once judged me for who I was, who I wasn't, what I was going through, always managed to keep in touch though our lives took very different paths. I find comfort in having people that have known me for so much of my life. There are the few that I met at Michigan State, that I truly didn't even appreciate fully until after I graduated. Their senses of humor and their ability to say it how it is, their ability to give me reality checks, they stood by me through every single terrible struggle in college, they helped me through some of the hardest parts of my life, without ever asking why, and they stood by me through every celebration and success. They are family to me. Then there are the few who I have not known terribly long, although it seems like I have known them for much longer. They have taught me to talk honestly again, without feeling guilty, they have redefined loyal, supportive, friendships 100x over, they have taught me understanding, and keeping a good cup on sarcasm on your shoulder when all else fails. They have made me feel comfortable with myself again, they have listened and listened again, and again at all hours of the day or night, crying or happy, cynical or practical, and never once judged. They have fought for me even when I wouldn't fight for myself and I recently realized that the deep cut I felt several years ago once and for all finished healing. The weight that was lifted was indescribable and it is the one thing these friends will never understand....but in a good way....it is something I will never be able to repay them for, but I am very grateful for.

And so I am mindful, and in the moment tonight, as I sign off with endless possibilities in the year 2010 ahead.
Happy Holidays, Happy New Year....be mindful, be in the moment, try to trust the process, I know I will be trying everyday.

With risk comes reward

I sit here watching the end of Glee, on this chilly December 2nd evening. On my couch, in the house I grew up in for the past 24 years. I realize suddenly that the rustling of papers in the kitchen from my mom, my dad randomly cleaning the top of the fridge in the middle of dinner, making family ice cream sundaes, Wednesday night dinners, pictures lining the walls from a curly top little girl to senior year....all will be behind me. I hear my mom crying because she cannot believe how fast this time went, I hear myself crying because I cannot wait to leave, then crying again because I realize how lucky I was to have such a great upbringing, family, and childhood. I am moving out. I am on my own. I am independent. I sometimes don't even feel like an adult. This is the right thing to do, it's been the right thing to do for such a long time, I am excited and thrilled, and yet I still have an incredibly nervous stomach.

Where did the time go? Really, I can see where my mom is coming from. I may not agree with a lot of what she says these days, but I do agree that time flies. I feel like I just graduated from high school, then just decided to go to MSU, then just decided to go to Spain, then just graduated, then just student taught, then just got my first job, then just got another job, these were 8 very quick years. With lots of memories, lots of lessons, and lots of change. I say I don't handle change well, but really, I am still here, still breathing, still successful, despite all of the change, and I have come a long way.

I think moving out is a risk. I think being completely financially independent is a risk. I think leaving my family is a risk. But a good friend of mine always tells me to push myself, because with risk comes reward. Not being a huge fan of risk, or new situations, I tend to shy away from risk because of the failure rate. I do not fail at anything. However, if you don't risk, you cannot reap the rewards either.

I started this blog one year ago. As a way to express what I was feeling, what I was thinking, sort through new changes, establish myself, help find myself. And as I look back at a years worth of the thoughts spiraling through my head, I realize how much I have grown, changed, and learned. And I can see how much I still have to learn, because I repeat the same behaviors over and over again. This is ok, if I am doing it over and over it just means I have not learned the lesson yet.

Let's see over the past year I mourned the loss of my old self: my college self, my college relationships, my college standards and habits and ways of life. I had to heal the wounds left from clinging onto student status, betrayal, and the tough lesson of disloyalty, getting your heart broken and years of memories to carry on your shoulder. With this pain came a lot of defense mechanisms and wondering why. I soon got a job that I fell in love with and it truly helped me heal in so many ways. I was meant to work at my middle school for so many reasons; comfort, and reassurance, self-confidence and growth, relationships with students that I will have forever, I will always remember my first year of teaching, these kids, and this school where placed in my life for a reason. Along with a great school and great kids, came great friends. Little did I know that a few months into my first teaching job, just a few short steps down the hall, some wonderful people were brought into my life. Professional mentors---of course, they showed me the ropes of teaching in more ways than one. But moreover, they took me in as if they knew me for years. They have taught me so much about my transition between kid and adult, asserting my independence, and learning it is ok to ask for help. They have helped me to open up without feeling judged, pushed me to be the best version of myself, and just plain listened when no one else would. They taught me about fiercely loyal, judgment free friendships, and that not all friends are the same. They showed me that venting and a huge sense of humor will get you through even the worst day. They instilled confidence in me, something that I have always lacked, and always crave. Every up and down, every success and failure, every piece of advice, going above and beyond for anything I need, and continue to need, someone bigger than me knew that I needed these people in my life....there is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that whatever life throws me, I don't have to hide it, there will always be someone there to listen, and more importantly stay...not run, from whatever comes my way.

And amongst all of this, I went on vacation to visit good friends, I went apartment searching and searching again, I joined a new gym, I started grad school, I ran my first 5k, I got another job, I ran another 5k, I developed MEJCUL with my best friend, I got my long awaited surgery, I saw Carrie Underwood...TWICE!, I saw my brother off to his second year at MSU, I saw how old age of my grandparents affects an entire family, I realized that I will never be perfect, but I will strive for it everyday probably for the rest of my life, I realized who matters in my life, why they were brought into my life, and what role they play...I am blessed with wonderfully loyal friends some, I had to wait quite a while for, but I realize why I had to wait, and why they were placed in my life at this time. Some I see everyday, some I see once a month, some I see once every six months. Some are phone friends, some are once a year friends, but no matter how much time passes, I could call any one of them at any time, any day and it be as if no time passed at all. Their loyalty, senses of humor, genuineness, intelligence, life experience, kindness, understanding, is just something that most people don't get to experience...I have a large handful of friends that support me in ways that I cannot even begin to thank them for...and that's the thing....I don't have to thank them, friendship is funny that way, as my friend says.

I realized that I love my family, and we don't agree a lot of time. I realized how much of my family is inside of me and a part of me, and I realized that myself and my family wish we could turn back time and do things differently. We all have a hard time living in the present moment and I strive to work on this.

There is so much to think about, so much to do, when it comes to finding yourself...who you are, what you want, what you have learned, what you need, where you see yourself, where you will end up. Passionately driven and motivated I want all the answers yesterday. I want control over what is happening and what has happened. I want to change the past, I want to control the future. But I can't and this is really hard for me. My body responds violently to this control issue and it is something I will probably struggle with for the rest of my life. It is another lesson I have to learn. I am also really grateful and happy for many things, and when I am happy and when I feel happy, I really relish it.

Finding out who you are is a risk. Change is a risk. These next few years of my twenties will be a risk. And as much that has changed in this past year, I can only imagine what the next year will bring. I will risk, with the thought it mind that with risk, comes reward. And I will not punish myself, I must make myself believe that I deserve the reward.

Just because

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think that there's enough you might drown

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still

No one can take you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you will find there
And God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
It's screaming every step, "just stay here"

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still

If you find your fists are raw and red
From beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still

.........

There is strength in tears, and I do lock the gate to keep it all in. But, no one can take me where I alone, must go. There is a lot of fear, of course. Having said that, insurmountably thankful for those that are there for me, unconditionally, in the best of times, and the worst of times. Not to solve my problems, but just to listen, when I decide to speak.

Temporary Home

Carrie Underwood has a fabulous new song on her amazing new CD.....TEMPORARY HOME.

As with most of her songs, the song hits home for me. Today was an interesting day.
Let's just say that I am glad I had plans to go running with friends, it allowed me to follow through with a commitment that I had, and prevented some other things going through my head.
I think sometimes in these moments, not the sweat that dripped off me as I was running, but in the moments of uncertainty and fear, that I felt burning in me when I woke up this morning, have got to help you find out who you are and build your strength. Not overnight, but something, somewhere, told me to make it through the day. Maybe it was myself, maybe it was knowing my friends would be waiting for me, maybe it was a miracle push through the day.
I do realize that this is my temporary home...not only physically as I will be moving out in a few weeks, but also I am only temporarily here. I will move on, pass through, and feel good again. I love the song for so many reasons. For its hope, for its sympathy, for making me feel grateful on some level, for its faith, and for allowing me to listen to the calming words.
The past still holds me back, and the present hurts, and the future holds so much promise.
From point A to point B. I wish I could see the path.
I ran 2.0 miles and weight trained with friends this afternoon....and that is my positive.

Will they understand? Where do I begin? What would I say, or not say?
I am not a quitter, and this is only my temporary home.......

Play on

I feel happy. I had a great teaching week. I felt like what I was doing had a purpose.
Felt good about me, where I am, where I am headed.
I laughed, I enjoyed, I was thankful.
I was helpful, I helped make several people feel better, it's what I love to do best.
I am a work in progress.
I cry myself to sleep some nights for reasons too long to list.
I cry on the shoulder of friends, when I cannot hold it in anymore.
But now, right now, I am happy, very happy.
I don't have all the answer for all the questions going through my head.
But I go with it...I will continue to go with it...and when I stumble
I will Play on.......

The ups and downs

I had a really rough weekend. I will just put it out there. Distressed, depressed, frustrated, lonely, wondering why, overwhelmed, helpless, worthless, can't do anything right, where am I supposed to be?

And I melted down, and per usual went into shut down mode.

So why write about something like this, when I have felt it quite often in the past?

Well, because this time, no one ran the other way. Ya know, when you are so down on yourself, and all people close to you run, it feels like the world is closing in on you, it feels suffocating, it feels like being a good person means nothing, it feels like you don't even exist. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am overly emotional, and fully admit and accept this, but it doesn't stop the hurt. I realized the importance of support this weekend. Of genuine support from genuine friends. I have realized the importance of genuine people in my life over the past two years, and especially over the past year, but once again, I was reminded this weekend that I am not alone in this.

I can write pages upon pages about what I am feeling. I can slap on sarcasm and laugh in an instant, but to talk about what I am feeling is really hard for me....mostly out of fear that people will run the other way as they have in the past. But I have found that as bits and pieces of me are glued back to together, as I continue to grow and learn, I continue to try and talk, vent, cry, laugh, ask for advice, ask for help. It is not easy, and talking does not always change things, but as with this weekend, talking allowed me to gain a fresh perspective on my thinking of my situation. It allowed me to sit with friends who came to visit unannounced and just listened. Sometimes I panic, I won't answer phones, I won't talk, I need to know that support is there though, or I feel like the earth is cracking beneath me, and I feel lucky that I have friends in my life that understand this, and SHOW me their support daily. Countless amounts of advice, they feeling that they have been there, or let's make a specific plan for what we can do. They understand how gold and type A I am. It has been a long time since I have felt not judged for all of my idiosyncrasies, they make me who I am, and for a long time I felt guilty for them. I don't know if I am going to make it through this year, but I do know that I will make it through today, and then wake up and make it through tomorrow, and that is what I hold on to. I try to be a really good friend, a really good person, and I hope that I am as good of a friend to them as my friends are to me. I would be lost without them.

Today was an up day. Today I had a good teacher day. Today I felt worth something. Today I felt like I was making a difference. Today I felt there was light at the end of the tunnel. Today I realized the fragility of life. I don't love the ups and downs, but when I am down, I hope to have the strength to go to my friends, and while I am up, I am going to celebrate it.

Just another homecoming.....

I went to my old 8th graders, now 9th graders homecoming tonight, and I felt like I was famous.
Hugs, and stories, and repeating everything I taught them.
Boosts of confidence for them, stories of WHY I am a great teacher.
Taking time, patience, sense of humor, cheat sheets on my wall, asking about their day, going to their games, making Spanish fun.
Mass texts sent through the crowd to let everyone know I had arrived.
Laughter, and sillyness, and genuine respect.
Singing Spanish songs, and remembering every memory from last school year.
Every inside joke, hating Taylor Swift, every lesson, everything.
I am a great teacher, and know the impact I leave. I love what I do, and will again love what I do, because of these kids.

I miss them all the time, but believe in everything happening for a reason.
I also have amazing friends. Not just AMAZING, that is an overused word.
I have loyal, wonderful, genuine, thoughtful, caring, appreciative, funny as hell, sympathetic, empathetic, strong, smart, phenomenal friends. And not just ONE. Many. Several. A strong GROUP that I can count on through everything and anything. Advice, listening ear, every single up and down. Every success and tear. Never one judgment. A feeling that I will never be alone. I waited for this day to come, and I realize why I had to wait so long to get it. I am so much more grateful, so much more thankful, I know what I deserve and feel really lucky.

Life at 23...almost 24

The big 24th birthday is coming up. And for the first year, I don't think I am going to go all out.
Low key, with good friends.

A few things I learned this year:

1. I love teaching middle schoolers
2. Time, with patience, really does heal very deep wounds
3. I am thankful that me and my brother are so close
4. I am lucky to have been raised by a really wonderful family, many of my students did not get teh same opportunity
5. I am, and always will be, completely exhausted at the end of a long day of teaching. It means I've done my job well.
6. I am thankful for my grandparents, and while they are all sick, I am thankful to have them in my life.
7. MTV cribs, Spanish edition, is one of the greatest projects ever to do with students
8. I have a gift for connecting with kids, and I love making an impact on them
9. Old teachers who have become mentors, and friends, is really something I cherish
10. There is someone for everyone
11. I became a runner...ran in my first race, and realized the benefit of running as more than just a weight management activity
12. I am proud of wearing my heart on my sleeve and always trying to do what is best for others
13. I try to stick up for what I believe in and not feel guilty about it
14. This time in my life is not easy, it's not always fun, there are always ups and downs, and that is ok.
15. Having my surgery was the best thing I have ever done for myself
16. I can make people laugh until their stomachs hurt, and I love that about myself
17. Being a good person, attracts other good people
18. Not everyone is who you think they are, sometimes this hurts, and sometimes its the best gift
19. People come into your life when you least expect it, and become some of the most important people in your life practically overnight.
20. Find people you can be yourself with----cry in front of them, celebrate, laugh, cry again, don't be afraid to ask for help, advice, explain what you are truly feeling. Funny thing is---they won't walk away. It opens friendships and relationships to become something really special. You learn a lot about yourself, and realize you like yourself more, when you are around these people. I am blessed to have the people I have in my life. I don't know where I would be without them. They have taught me the meaning of friendship, independence, strength, humor, and compassion. They have shown me loyalty and embraced all of my good and bad days. They check in just to make sure I am ok, just to see how my day is, and it's a two way street. I have learned so much about friendships and relationships and how I should be treated. They have brought out the best in me and taught me some very important lessons. I am very, very lucky that the events in my life have brought me to them...someone, somewhere, was watching out for me.
21. It's ok to take mental health days
22. I will always be high stress and anxiety, but there are better ways to deal with it, that I will continue to try to implement
23. A listening ear, a joke, 100% loyalty,and that feeling that you are not alone, are some of the world's greatest gifts.
24. I love, LOVE. I am in love with the idea of it, and a hopeless romantic, I will always be
25. I still want to be Carrie Underwood, almost everyday
26. Biggest loser, Friends, Will and Grace, ER, and Brothers and Sisters have all, in different ways, made my life wonderful and an escape from reality
27. People change
28. Don't let the past screw up your present
29. Fridays tall sugar free vanilla soy lattes get me through my week, every week
30. To another year of learning, stressing, hoping, being honest, being grateful, being challenged, loving, living, making a difference, leading a good life, as a good person, with difficulties, no doubt, but with good things to come.

This will be a GREAT year

My first day of my second year of teaching begins in about 12 hours. What a whirlwind this last year has been. My second year teacher jitters are actually worse than my first year. I am sure this is because last year I was coming off of student teaching hell, and let's face it, it could only go up from there. Now, reality sets in. If I think back on student teaching, and my first year of teaching though, I realize that it has made me into a teacher beyond my years of experience. Classroom management, relationships with students, teachers, lesson plan differentiation, seeing how different students learn, middle school, high school, urban, suburban, colleague relationships, motivation, techniques to teach Spanish, what worked, what failed, I really would not have wanted it any other way. This year will prove to be another adventure in the life of a teacher, and if I can make myself grow and learn something it is this: every new school, new students, new teachers, new friends, have only proved to benefit me in the long run. With time, they have changed who I am as a teacher and as a person, and this, if I am patient, I know my second year will prove to have the same effect. I know for sure, that this is what I am supposed to be doing. I have waited for so long to be a teacher, I was a born teacher, and I truly do love what I do, and that is more than most people can say.

I will now be both a Spanish AND English teacher this year. And while at first very nervous and apprehensive about this, I took a minute to take myself back 6 years to the end of high school. I specifically remember telling my old Spanish and English teacher on graduation night that I promise I will come back after I graduate college and we will be colleagues as I follow right in their footsteps and become a Spanish and English teacher myself. And here I am, a Spanish and English teacher. Two subjects I grew up loving, and am so passionate about, and two classes I am able to share that passion with my students. How incredibly lucky. I have some amazing English teacher friends in my life, that have passed on their best teaching practices to me, and Spanish just seems like second nature now.

Of course I am nervous. I anxiously await the time when I will find my groove, my teacher clique, my place....but it will come. Just like it took a few months last year to find the cool crowd:), I have to think that it will come this year too. The staff has been amazingly welcoming, offering books and lessons and lunch plans and just a check in to see how I am doing. A young, friendly staff that is committed to putting kids first, what better teaching environment could you want?

No doubt, I will still have struggles, surviving your twenties, is not always easy. I will work on it on my own, and will try to open up when I cannot find my own two feet. I will focus on NOT using my defense mechanism by shutting everyone out. It's not fair to myself, nor is it fair to my friends, who are so willing to be there for me. But when I do try to shut the world out, which will happen from time to time, I hope I have strong enough relationships with others and with myself, to work through it, to not have it held against me, to support me and support others, and find myself and those closest to me, happy in the end. Ya know, in the end, I am just trying to be the best person I can be, and the best friend I can be, and while I set psychotically high expectations on myself I hope I am doing ok.

I sit and think about all the changes still ahead of me, and all the changes behind me, and I realize what an important part of my life this is. I can look back now, and realize why I had to go through all the shit I had to go through. It didn't seem fair at the time, but time has shown me that most things really do happen for a reason. As a take these next few months to stand my ground, move out, begin my second year of teaching, I will try to take the time to enjoy this point in my life. It is not always easy, but I have really wonderful people in my life to support me; something that two years ago, I never thought I would have again. Over the last two years, I have learned the true definition of genuine, supportive, trustworthy, healthy relationships....something I thought I had and kept losing over the past several years and even in my youth, but in reality, I never had it to its truest extent. So much, was so fake, and I look back now and realize how poorly I was I was treated by so many. I ask myself why I put up with people that tried to minimize what I was going through, and lied right to my face and pulled away. I have learned that no one should EVER make me feel guilty for how I am feeling or what I am trying to fight for, my feelings and my beliefs, rational, or irrational are what they are, and true friends are going to embrace whatever it is I am going through. They will see my integrity, they will see me putting them before myself, they will see my loyalty and my compassion, and the points I pride myself on. They will embrace my insecurities, not hold them against me. I think the saying that says "as we grow, we meet better people" could not be more true. Not only better people, but more genuine people. People that go out of their way just to make sure you get a chance to be heard. People that believe in relationships as a two-way street. People that better help me understand myself and make me feel good about myself and show loyalty on a daily basis. These past two years have brought wonderful people into my life, and back into my life, both new and old, and I wouldn't be where I am without them.

And so, as I embark on the first day of my second year, I am happy, and optimistic, and thankful. I look forward to inspiring my kids. I look forward to having the same impact I had last year. I look forward to singing verb conjugation songs, and listening to AZUL in class. I look forward to writing with my kids, and organizing them, and going to homecoming. I love what I do, and this will be a GREAT year.