Message for This Monday

So friends, do we like the new theme? I needed  a change. A new perspective. To match with my life.

So I changed things up. Looking at things from a different perspective. While I am taking the time to look at my life in a new way, I also have the understanding that I am who, what, and where exactly where I am supposed to be. Learning. Growing. Holding On.

Afternoon Jam

My song for this afternoon jam

Afternoon Jam #2

Words

The Perfect Words For This Evening

Quoting Through Life...Something to Think about

So what makes a perfect couple? Can opposite really attract? What is the likelihood you find a long-term partner that enjoys EVERYTHING you do? This particular quote really hits home for me. My belief is that there is not one man that exists that will like everything I like, nor will I like everything he likes. It is about dealing with our differences, how we deal with our incompatibility that proves that a relationship can last.

Compromise is so important in any relationship. It is easy when things are good, it's when adversity hits that compromise is key.

This is my life goal. This kind of partnership. Love. Commitment. Neither person ever giving up on the other. 

I am not a very religious person. But I like the image of this, and I like the words. It helps be have hope, faith, and belief that there are wonderful possibilities ahead even when we don't see them right now.

I have always done this. I will always do this. I'm not sure if it gets be any further ahead, I am not sure that it is always returned to me, but as this quote says, it is a wonderful legacy to leave behind. And I pride myself on being a good person.

Oh, laughter. Sarcasm. The ability to laugh at yourself, others, and make others laugh. Without laughter, I would not be where I am today. It helps me grow, it helps relationships grow, it's what makes life worth it. Entertaining. Inspiring.

I think we all grow up with a plan for ourselves. We have an idea of what we want, where we see ourselves, where we want to go. For someone like me, I like plans. I like to follow that plan. And I expect that plan to come true. Then, the last few months came and I realized the plan you had for yourself can change in a matter of seconds. Everything you hoped, dreamed, wished for, came true and then was shattered into pieces by the person you loved most. Hurt. Disappointed. Sad. Depressed. Frustrated. Grief. Questions. But maybe there is more to life than our plan. Maybe part of my plan is to learn that you can't always count on your plan. To learn to be flexible. To see that there is a life, so much better, just waiting for me; and if I was trapped in my past life and past relationships I would never have the life I was mean to have. And that plan, is the one that is meant to be. I am a good person. I deserve good. I will find a good life that is waiting for me.

I actually found this quote years and years ago back in college. It was the one quote that got me through one of the most challenging times of my life. It needs no further explanation. It hits home. It brings comfort.

 Pushing myself through to my final days of summer with new people prospects, new job prospects, getting prepared for the life that is waiting for me.

"I suppose that since most of our hurts come through our relationships, so will our healing." 

-A

Re-Reading and Neuro-Psych

So I found this quote that I loved. So true. To so many.

THEN...

I was told to watch this TED TALK by Helen Fisher, anthropologist. That studied the brain, in love. This is why I want to go into psychology so badly. It is SOO interesting. The same levels of serotonin chemicals found in OCD clients, are also found in clients that have just ended a serious romantic relationship. And we, as a culture, wonder why, after a break-up, you can't stop thinking of the other person. It's totally bio-chemical, and so interesting. Doesn't make it suck any less, but at least there is science behind it.

http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love.html

Paths Paved in Fate

Paths paved in fate, always lead home

Send me a letter or pick up the phone

Don't let our ending be filled with total silence

When we've lived our whole lives out loud

I'm sitting here being told not to take blame, 

being laughed at by the crowd

I watch life pass by on the sidelines

I miss the two of us on those city streets

Believing our journey would never be complete

Passion in the air and I was floating away

With you to another world

In love with the one I adore, I would do anything for

But then the streetlights shine the truth

And I have to tell myself I will be fine

I no longer have you by my side

But paths paved in fate always lead home

My broken heart will have to mend

Learning to now be my own best friend

Until the day, we reunite, when the timing will be just right

I'll make the money and follow my own dreams

Adjust to the calm that beats through the walls

Onto the arms of another, trying something new

But always waiting for that path that leads back to you

My heart can't wait forever, for now though, it will skip a beat and wait

So you can take your time, make your plans, and realize

You will only shine on the path paved in fate that leads you back home

Work your hours and travel your world for miles

Come home to empty walls of memories

Was it all worthwhile?

Go ahead, fall into the arms of someone new,
Believe me, it won't feel the same as me and you.

You will soon realize that all you left, was really all you ever had.

So please.....Push me, take me, we will grow together

Into something new,
Don't run, don't hide, 
Be a man, and take my hand
This is our wild ride

Nothing good happens unless you are scared

So push the limits of your soul

Learn how far you can push towards your goal

But don't push away, push towards that path

Follow that path paved with fate...it will lead you back to me.

I've moved on. I am strong. I have learned about the person I want to be.

With a stronger skin, and a patched up heart, please, hold me, and tell me this was all meant to be.

I see your face, the streetlight shines the truth back to me
Your far and near
Getting closer, I hear
You've had second thoughts, you've tried the other side
But fate was calling all along
So listen to that song, it's calling your name
on that path paved with fate, calling you home, where you belong. 

Jennifer Nettles

I have a new person that I admire. 

Well not new, an old "friend" really, but I do not believe I really understood the compassion, faith, heartbreak, hope, truth, and healing that Sugarland puts into their music. 

In an effort to continue my personal healing, I have turned to them.

Yes, jammed, by myself, music blaring, starting to feel OK again. 

I listen to it while I am doing my new found practice of yoga. 

I listen on my 10 mile bike rides, another new goal 3x a week.

I listen before bed.

I listen in my car.

I listen because in times of need, emotional saddness and vulnerability, you have to grab on to something.

Music, friends, things that inspire me.

I have always had big dreams for myself. Really big dreams. I want to touch people's lives in some way. I have done it in the classroom, I will do it as a therapist, but I also think there is something more. Maybe it's writing a book, maybe it's writing my own song lyrics, maybe it's instilling hope, dreams, loyalty and beliefs in my kids one day. 

All I know is that I feel inspired today. I feel strength. I have an inner sense of calm.

I do have days, many days, where I wonder why this is happening. How is this part of my plan? My journey? When since 14 years old I have been the one who has wanted the marriage, and kids, and young family, and here I sit, being the last one to have it, if I even ever have it. I wonder why, I wonder if it has been taken from me to make me stronger or to make me appreciate when it's right. Seeing every single one of my family and friends getting married around me is sure a test of my strength and confidence, maybe that is what I need though to be in a relationship, the right one. Strength and confidence, and so I am getting broken down, to build myself back in to the person I need to be when the right man comes along.
 

I do believe that my underlying foundation knows what I want, what I stand for, and what I am passionate about.

Often, on the surface, there is pain, heartache, deep sadness, and hopelessness that covers that strong foundation. 

But underneath it all, I have been beaten down so hard, so much, I am admittedly flawed. But each and every time, I re-new myself. Re-create myself. And this time, after pure and  utter devastation, I realize that I have to be confident in my feelings and what I want out of life. I can't create someone else's confidence. I live my life with deliberate intent. I know what I want, and I go for it. If someone changes their mind, and decides that my lifestyle is not for them, it really isn't my problem. They have to find a lifestyle that works for them. If they decide next week, next month, or 5 years from now that they gave up the only kind of life they would have ever been happy with...that is their journey, their regret, their contemplation, their choices of what to do next. I have to be confident enough to create my own journey.

I have tried to beg back to save friendships, and I just got more hurt. So I cannot do that again, in friendships or any relationships. Years later these friends have come back to me and tried to reconnect, apologize, they found their own journey in a different way but always regretted the way they handled an emotional situation. I accept apologies. I try not to hold grudges. But sometimes when journeys take years to figure out, our separate journeys lead us down different paths, and it will never be the same. But I have always found myself better off because of it. So I have think that this new journey, will give me the same results. 

I always have my door open for re-connections. I have talked before about never needing to go lonely in this world, this world is about sharing pain, sharing experiences, connecting. And so I always leave a small path open for those who were once in my life but decided to create a different journey, separate from mine.

Jennifer Nettles said last night that when she is at home she "sleeps like its her job." Her husband is cooking and cleaning and runnin' the whole town, and yep I just sleep. But it works. She is so confident in her lifestyle, her choices, her strong leadership. She doesn't give a rat's ass about what anything thinks, she is funny as hell, and she speaks her mind. I have that in me, I have always had that in me, but I guess I have held back out of fear of judgement.

No longer. 

What an inspirational evening at Sugarland with my best and closest surrounding me.
Thank you Sugarland, Jennifer Nettles, for making me believe in myself again...for empowering me to create a journey for myself, to reassure me that I will be ok again, for giving me the strength and the faith to start over. For allowing me to believe again in self-forgiveness, and making it ok to have flaws. For brightening my day, and changing my outlook on life. When and if I turn my blog into song lyrics, maybe you will be able to sing my story one day.

Today officially starts a new day. A new start. I am open to the possibilities...of life, of love, of exploring everything life has to offer. It is ok to have heartache days, I have many, I have been heartbroken. But at almost 27 years old, I do not have time to let this define me. I deserve more. I am more. There will be someone waiting, for a girl like me. But for now, my confidence soars into my own journey, slowly accepting my past, leaving doors open for reunions and change, and knowing that it will be alright again.

"I hope you are reminded that you are enough, that you are worthy, that perfect is completely boring and, most of all, that it'll be all right again."

I like being out there, and I also happen to be extremely driven and extremely hardheaded, and I don't like something outside of my control running the situation."

"We are flawed and we know we're flawed. We have issues, but it is how we work through them, what we learn, and how we grow."

"Sometimes we write songs to change your life and sometimes we write songs just to change your day." 

-Jennifer Nettles

Explain why

I have been thinking a lot about my last post: I love you.

An admitted hopeless romantic, I wish I found this quote years ago.

It encompasses everything I want.

What strikes me now though, is that I thought I had every word of this quote.

Thought I found what I had been looking for my whole life.

Big words with some big meaning, I love you, was ripped from under me in one day. One minute. 

One conversation changed everything.

And I am left on my own to find the explanation why.

Explain why: you chose to accept me for just who I am, then decided I wasn't good enough.

Explain why: when I accepted imperfection in you, you couldn't accept it in me. 

Explain why: you said that you would be there for every up and down, yet left me in the worst of times.

Explain why: you loved me for even my sad face, but when I was really sad, you changed your mind.

Explain why: I did each activity you wanted and came to love what you loved, but you still used it against me.

Explain why: each email you sent said I was the girl of your dreams, but when the dream became a reality, you ran.

Explain why: you told me everyone had flaws, but you loved me despite them, and have waited your whole life for me.

Explain why: you never told me your doubts.

Explain why: our differences suddenly became deal-breakers.

Explain why: we made every important decision together, except for the last one.

Explain why: you decided to only love me when I was "fun to be with."

Explain why: you held my deepest secrets to close, so calm, and so understanding,so loving, yet in the end didn't fight for what we had.

Explain why: you didn't care enough to NOT let go.

Explain why: you didn't love me enough to see how much I truly loved you.

I love you

I love this. Every word. It's my story. I hope that this will come one day.

Insight Connected

Insight is a very powerful tool. 

I ended my practicum experience last night, leaving many clients I did not want to leave. 
Leaving some clients, that I was glad to leave. 
And leaving others, wondering if they would be ok in the hands of another counselor in the Fall.

What I know for certain, is that I have found my second career in counseling and therapy.
I believe in its power, healing, its hope and its new beginnings. I believe in its change. I believe in its authenticity. 

I used to think that therapy was "trying to get into someone's head." A terrifying image to say the least. I probably got it from my mother. But I no longer believe this is the case. It is truly impossible to get into someone's head and find out, on your own, their motives, reasons, excuses, feelings, behaviors or actions. I can guess. I can prompt. I can use theory and research and the therapeutic relationship to help guide the client along in their self-discovery, but no, I cannot get in their head to see what is really going on. 

I realized how similar authentic therapy is to real life. Real relationships. They say that in an authentic therapy relationship your patterns of behavior become clear and mimic real life. I agree. 

In real life, real relationships, outside of the therapist's office, we cannot get into other people's heads either. As in therapy, we must rely on honesty, openness, trust, communication, releasing fear, finding hope, believing in change. Without these essential elements, therapy fails, relationships fail. It is a waste of the therapists energy as well as the everyday person's energy to try and guess at feelings, guess at answers to those long awaited unanswered questions. There may never be honest answers, in therapy too, you  may not be able to help the person as much as you want to. 

It is a hard concept for me to come to terms with both in therapy and in my real life. I am a helper at heart. I want to help. I want to make things work. I want black and white answers. I want certainty. I want commitment. I have learned that I will not always get this in either of the environments; personal life or therapy with clients. And I have to learn to cope with this, as I have no control over the other person; client or personal relationship. I have control over my actions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, truths, behavior, and my own personal commitment, and that is it. 

Therapy with clients is all about the relationship, the partnership. Working together to find inner strength, calm, peace, happiness, wisdom, education, empowerment, change, growth, independence...and I look at this, and I realize that is what I want out of personal relationships too. Isn't that what we all want? It is NOT about getting into our partner's head and digging for reasons for their irrational behavior, feelings or actions; that is not what we want...we want a partnership...a open, truthful partnership committed to growth and independence and support...throw it some laughter and love and I do believe you have the ideal relationship. 


Therapy and personal relationships, both, give us insight. They give us insight into ourselves. Our flaws. Our strengths. Our fears. Our pasts. Our futures. It can be scary as hell. But I do believe that everyone, even the most perfect person (and yes, people do believe that perfect people exist) can benefit from therapy. 


I have learned so much from my clients. My job is to listen to their stories. Be helpful to them to find their best selves. And again, in relationships, it is about bringing out each other's best selves. Client's have wanted to quit, we have gotten mad at each other, there have been difficult topics ranging from rape to sexuality to depression to eating disorders to bipolar disorder....but we work through it..no one leaves the other out of selfishness or fear or discomfort or anger. It is about learning to tolerate the discomfort. Growing with the discomfort to make you stronger. Empowered. Creating your best, authentic self. 


I feel good to have helped my clients...all in different ways...all at different times. Different interventions, different strategies, different relationships formed, but all of them were helped. I received wonderful thank you notes, and small gifts of appreciation. I felt like this, this right here, is where I belong. Making a difference. Doing good in an environment that relies on honesty, trust, and growth. 


So in the end, I can sum up my experience in one word, insight. 
Insight into the profession. 
Insight into my clients. 
Insight into myself.
Insight into my failed relationships. 
Insight into my successful relationships. 
Insight into my past, present and future. 


I no longer waste energy trying to figure out why people leave you at your most vulnerable moment, why others stay, why some people flee, why some can't commit, and some commit forever, why some live lies and some live truths, why some tell you what you want to hear, while other just tell you how it is truthfully. All of these questions lead to assumptions and are one sided. Figuring out these big questions, these big personality, character questions involves two people, always. Honest answers, honest discussion. And in the end, it is always about being true to yourself, empowering yourself, growing yourself, gaining the insight about yourself to change what needs to be changed, realizing you now have the tools to live the life you want, with the people who treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Sitting with these clients has made me realize that we are not alone in this world. Pain and fear and discomfort is in all of us, and one point or another. It is about setting it free. Not hiding from it, not running from it, but truly freeing yourself from it. 


This world is not about being selfish. It is about connecting.
I feel so lucky to be connected to so many.
I am overwhelmed by the support of those near and far, old and new.
Laughter and tears, good news and bad, I have this incredible support net a mile wide, ready to throw me out into the world, and catch me when I fall. 


What a true gift.

Kind to myself

"You cannot make someone love you. You can only make yourself someone who can be loved."
-Derek Gamba

And I have butterflies:) Own your decisions. Own them well.

EMPOWER ME!

Music. Inspiration. Empowerment. Play it Loud.

And guess what,
I'm having more fun,
And now that we’re done,
I'm gonna show you tonight,
I'm alright,
I'm just fine,
And you're a tool,
So, so what,
I am a rock star,
I got my rock moves,
And I don't want you tonight!

-Pink 

Are you free tonight, stop by if you like, if you might want to
I don't mind, I don't mind
You will see it's me I believe you could be, be the right one
For every girl like me

Because I, I, I am not perfect
But I, I, I, I know I'm worth it
And I, I, I gotta believe, there has to be a you
For every girl like me.

-Sugarland

Moving on, it's my time,
no longer a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..

Don't call,
don't come by,
ain't no use,
don't ask me why,
there'll be no more crying in the rain.

-Katherine McPhee

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

-Kelly Clarkston


There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more

Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best believe that I'm not gonna wait
'Cause there's gotta be something more

-Sugarland

You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color
And do the things I want

You think you got the best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on, over you

You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me
You know in the end, the day you left was just my beginning!

-Kelly Clarkston

Why you walking around
With your heart so heavy?
Is it getting you down?
Steady beat, beat steady

And with the way you're feeling
Thinking that it never will end
And I know you say you got your reasons
You kick it 'til you break it again

But I wanna say
Hey, hey, things are looking better now
Hey, hey, nothing lasts forever
If you open up your heart and let it in
You'll find the beat again
-Sugarland

 

Blessings in Disguise

These last few weeks have been blessings in disguise.

I deserve to be treated SO much better.
I am allowing myself to have bad days and good days.
No one else judges me for having them, so why should I?

I give 1000% to everyone around me, now it is time to give that 1000% back to myself.
I have 1000 people on my side. A friend told me that. And typed it out. And I blew it up. And it hangs on my wall. And it is true.

On my my most lonely, most sad day, whether 2 in the morning or 2 in the afternoon I could call ANYONE, and they would pick up. People that I have known for 2 minutes or 2 years have offered to help in any way they can. It did not have to be like this, and in the deepest parts of me, I know there is something bigger going on.

But each us has to be honest with ourselves in our own time. I have been honest with myself and my internal struggles, I cannot force that internal honesty on anyone else. What I can say, with certainty, is living a life repressing your true identity, your true self, is terminal. I don't wish that pain or internal struggle on anyone.

I work with clients, many in the LGBT community, who struggle daily with their identity, their sexuality, who they are, trapped in lives that they know don't feel right, but they don't know how to re-start their life, they can't even figure out what they are really feeling inside...and I work hard to provide a safe environment to empower them to become their truest selves. It is a long, hard, terrifying struggle, but I value being honest with your true identity.

I practice what I preach. I wouldn't tell any my clients, those in the LGBT community and others not in the community anything that I wouldn't practice myself. It would not be authentic.

Maybe it is my innate ability to be understanding and accepting of different types of people, maybe my chosen profession has not only changed my clients, but myself as well. As I advise clients to be honest with themselves and make their current struggles present, honor them, untangle them, be honest with them, and you will find your true self, I too, have done the same thing right along with them.

It takes great courage to realize who you really are and what you deserve, especially when you feel like the world is against you. It takes honesty and bravery, strength, and a great sense of humor.

I am brave. I am honest. I am funny. I am surrounded by 1000 people on my side.

People have the right to change their minds, but with change, must come explanation, without explanation change is just cowardly.

Human emotions fascinate me. They also terrify me. But the difference now is that I am not afraid to explore them or reach out for help when I need to. I reach out...and people come running toward me.

I can survive a lot. I can tolerate a lot. But I WILL NOT tolerate being treated poorly. Being treated like I never existed. Being treated like I never gave a damn.

I am confident, and strong. I am independent and have sarcasm that runs a mile wide.

I am a good friend, and have very few enemies.

Advice to all: DO NOT get on my bad side.
I WILL stand up for myself,my wants, my needs and I WILL NEVER back down.
No one will block me from what I want out of my life.
I AM and ALWAYS WILL BE A FIGHTER.
DO NOT tell me something you do not truly mean. SPEAK CLEARLY!
I WILL ONLY take responsibility for my actions and my feelings, never yours.
I WILL NOT be lied to.
I don't do drama.
I speak my truth.
I am DAMN confident and intelligent and no one will EVER get the best of me. 

I live for awkward moments that make life entertaining.
I had a recent conversation with someone new that just changed my whole out look on life.
This person reminded me what I am all about....laughing...making other people laugh...using my dry sense of humor to ease pain and discomfort...to better the people around me...I forgot what it was like to share a true love of life and sense of humor with someone. Even if just for a brief moment. It felt glorious.

I align myself with people that value the same things as me. And that want the same things out of life as me.
My journey to this place has been a challenging one...but I do believe everything that has happened has just been a blessing in disguise.

I am renewed. I am empowered. I have the loves of my life surrounding me.
I am a role model for those that come after me.
This explains it all......



In the deep of the dark, you fell in as the heart

Of your world went down in flames
To a cauldron of pain, seeing no way out


And as you walked through the fire
Losing even desire it was like a dying swan
To look at you then but look at you now


You have found a new lease on life
A stronger step and a curious calm on your face
That you wear as if to say


You can rise from the ashes again
You can rise to the morning that breaks in your eyes
For what looked like your heart's demise
Has turned out to be a blessing in disguise
It has worked for the good, like you heard that it could
But it was hard, so hard to believe
Standing among the ruins of a dream


But from here looking back, you can see clearly that
You can gain from things that you lose
And learn many ways by many means


You have been an inspiration to me
And all the volumes of hope your revival can speak
Will always say to me


You can rise from the ashes again
You can rise to the morning that breaks in your eyes
For what looked like your heart's demise
Has turned out to be a blessing in disguise 

-Laura Ashton

A Spectator of Life

I am merely a spectator of life...

I see happiness and people floating by.

I see births and deaths.
I see babies. 4 brand new baby girl cousins.
I see that I want that, but will never get that. 

I see friendships come and go.

I see terror and the fight for world peace.

I see hurt. Huge hurt.

I see chances and choices.

I see change.

I see momentary courage.

I see fleeting optimism. 

I see failures.

I see nothing more to look forward to.

I see a dream of my own funeral...and no one is there. 

I see that they have all run away.

I see a future that I don't want to live anymore.

I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Today I hang my head down low,

I am just not sure quite where to go.

Not long ago I was swept off my feet,

A beautiful romance, one that couldn’t be beat.

A beginning filled with discovery and fun,

I realized my life had just begun.

I poured out my whole heart and my entire soul,

A commitment was made, and I felt completely whole.

Vacations and long talks, our priorities were the same,

Meeting families was the next part of the game.

We all got along so well, And from the outside,

We were as happy as anyone could tell.

Yes things went fast, yes this was a first,

But we talked extensively, and agreed that this would work.

We earned our 5 minutes of fame and more memories made,

We celebrated everything, and provided support when births and deaths came.

Notes were written and books given as gifts as well,

Telling us our journey was just beginning, and so many more good things, the future would tell.

The peaks and valleys waxed and waned, I never thought I would be so shamed.

The support had fallen, minds had changed too,

But I had no idea the ending would have been handled like this by you.

There are so many questions and so much left unsaid,

I would have compromised the world to still be sharing the same bed.

I wish I had more answers, I wish I knew where it all went wrong,

I wish the last two years wouldn’t have lasted so long.

What was the fear? Where was the break-down? Why did you quit?

I would have talked forever, just to realize we were still a good fit.

Compromise, communication, history and love,

Spilling your soul for someone you adore.

If it wasn’t mean to be, then I ask God WHY?

Why put me through this, only to see me cry?

I have cried so many tears throughout the year,

If there is a lesson here, I do not see it very clear.

I would have waited and traveled and watched for the time to be right,

But instead I sat blindsighted, and now I must try to re-start my life.

Everyone tells me there is something bigger going on,

But it is still so very hard to just move on.

I see all my past relationships presently tied to another, living a seemingly happy life,

Smiling in their wedding pictures next to their new beautiful wife.

Why is this not happening to me, I want this so much, 

I suppose life is just NOT fair, each time I see a new photo, I feel like my body gets a punch.  

How do you fall out of love so quick, how do your feelings change in one months’ time,

If there is more to it that what I was told, share your true feelings, now is the time to be bold!

I feel like the answers that I got didn’t make sense, such a rash decision

Its goes against all common sense.

If it wasn’t meant to be, then why did we share a home,

Was it all based on hoping things would get better, or was I always, ultimately, alone?

I'm torn between love and hate, and in time my wounds will  become less sore

I hope you find what you are looking for, 

but for now, I must show myself the exit door

How do I prevent this from happening again, if I am really not sure what went wrong,

Will there be a sign, when I am ready to move on?

Will there be a moment, when I meet the right man,

When I know, that my tears, will not be a part of his plan.

I have been through pain before, more pain than anyone should ever bare,

At this point, I am not sure how many more feelings I can share.

I may never get answers, I may never understand,

But I hope the past teaches me something, so that next time, I can be dealt a better hand.

Now is the time to see who else is out there, who can be my partner in crime,

Realize that the best relationships are hard work and take time.

I give 100% to everyone I know; kind, loyal, funny, honest and willing to grow.

I hope one day someone can see, that all of these things are the most important parts of me.

My heart is broken, my strength is weak,

But if the right person comes long he can surely sneak a peek.

Peek into my soul, my newfound man, and see how much good there is to be found,

I promise I will never let you down.

I will turn the world upside down to make your dreams come true,

I will be a loyal partner to our relationship and to you.

I will be a good mom, wife, travel partner and friend,

I will be there until the very end.

Peek into my soul and see my strength and scars,

Know that we will have to use them to become who we are.

Don’t be scared off, accept the good and the bad,

And I promise you this relationship won’t just be the latest fad.

I cannot promise you life will always be perfect and that I won’t ever be sad,

But life isn’t always about being perfectly glad.

Life is about weathering the storms, understanding each other, and

Being ok with the norm.

I am not perfect, and you won’t be either,

But I still remain a true believer.

Relationships are more important than any accomplishment I ever receive,

And so I can promise you I would never leave.

In time my original confident and independent life will start again too, 

These are not steps backward, but rather steps forward to start something new.

I have inner strength that I dig for each day, and deep down I do know that I will be ok.

To end these thoughts, I turn to a song, dedicated to the one, that has yet to come along....

I might have to wait, I’ll never give up
I guess it's half timin' and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life.........................................

Someday, Oneday

I yearn for the day when someone says to me:

“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.” 

But then again....maybe it is time to be my own best friend, an inate gesture of friendship to myself, and say these exact words to ME, my own self. I was told the other day that if life is just too painful,you feel like you have lost your way, and your thoughts are too much to bare, just be kind to yourself.....Be kind to yourself, Amanda, and you will see change.....

 “Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing...for the better.”  -Elizabeth Gilbert

Straight from the Doctors Mouth

                                                              Feeling terribly sad tonight.
                        I guess I wanted some evidence. Even though I already knew the results.
                                                At least it is even what the doctor ordered. 
                        Even your brain feels "blue." It's Neurospychology. I don't make this up.

Lucky 13

I Found This Intriguing. 

The Lucky 13.

13 Rules of Relationships. 

Galway Kinnell et. al.

Good Reads.

1. Overall, there are moments with the person you love that make you really, really happy. Those are the good moments. But the majority of the bad moments you are shut out. You never forget the good times, but you will also never forget how they hurt you more than anyone you have ever known.

2. I believe in karma, what you give is what you get returned. I believe you can’t appreciate real love until you’ve been burned. I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side. I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye.

3. Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve
learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated; some people, no matter how many birthdays they celebrate, they never grow up, never develop the tools to deal with real life. 

4. Confidence and smiles do indeed cover painful wounds. But they are a band-aid. The deep wound is still there. The trick is to not cover up the sore, gently take the band-aid off, so that your wounds teach you something. They remind you where we’ve been and what you've overcome. They teach you lessons about what to avoid in the future. 

5. I’m not going to spend my life chasing people. You want to leave? Fine then, go ahead. Because I’m done with chasing and caring for people who lost interest in me. Nothing lasts and people change. I’ve learned love is hard and life isn’t always what you want it to be.

6.  I’ll move on but you’re going to have to go through the rest of your life knowing you turned your back on true love.

7. One day down the line, when you’re thinking about how much you miss me, and you see me happy with someone new, remind yourself this is what you wanted.

8. It’s the worst feeling in the world to love and hate someone all at the same time. And it’s hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same. 

9. I know I shouldn’t take everything personally. Most of the time it’s not about me but more about who they are. .

10. And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.

11. I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.

12. Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.

13. We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

Let our scars fall in love.

My Confidence

Today, I feel confident. I feel renewed. I feel unstoppable. I feel loved. This is the part of me that you are never gonna ever gonna take away from me........


"I like being a strong independent woman, and to be honest, I was never afraid of being on my own."

-Dido Armstrong

"I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay."

Virginia Satir
American psychologist and educator, 1916-1988

Costco Samples

Please excuse the strange analogy, but I had the funniest ironic run-in today.

So I went to Costco, and they happened to have some awesome samples, and some really piss-poor samples. I started talking to the nice sample man, young college guy, clearly not knowing what to do with his life, but hey, he has a job, sort of.

We get to chatting about relationships and samples. He began explaining to me that all this time spent with samples has really had him wondering about his relationships...how so, I ask. 

Here was his story (and yes, I am paraphrasing, the guy was either dumb as rocks, or high on some kind of drug)

*In the worst relationship of my life I was totally treated like a sample. Ya know, at first, you are trying something new out. This chic was trying me out, seeing how I tasted, seeing if she'd enjoy me. At first, she liked me a lot ya know, like a fuckin' good sample...she liked me, liked what I had to offer, even if just in small doses. Then she liked me so much she fuckin' bought the product to take home, well bought me, well not really bought me, but ya know hooked up with me, dated me, but you get it. Each week, when you run out of that great sample, you come back from more, and my girl she kept coming back for more. We enjoyed each other. This went on for a while, ya know. Sometimes you just get sick of that sample, man, you eat it so much, it start tasting the same, and it's not new anymore, or exciting, the new cereal tastes just like the rest of your cereals, the fucking novelty is gone. So you throw it away. You stop buying it. Well mam' my girl stopped buying me, she just stopped being into me, I guess I wasn't interesting anymore. See...like a sample, that gets old and boring, they just throw ya away. Stop buying ya. Those poor samples, ya know, still good products, but just not good enough anymore. 

This kid was a trip, but I took a step back, and realized maybe he has a point. 

Maybe all relationships are like samples. 

People try you out, if they like you, they keep you around for a while, but when they are sick of you, bored of you, don't really like the taste of you anymore, they throw you away. Maybe we are all just good samples flowing around....getting tried out, kept around for a while, and if our taste buds remain the same we are kept around for a while, as soon as those taste buds change, as soon as there is a new product out, we jump ship, ready for the next best thing.

If that is the case, I think I will stay away from the samples from right now, the thought of just living life being tried out, until something better comes along, frankly, makes me lose my appetite.

Until next time.....

"When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love."

-Helen Fielding

Dear Gramma and Papa

I went on a new adventure last night. It was interesting. Filled with mixed emotions.  Excitement, nervousness, confusion, comfort, frustration, but really it made me think of my Gramma and Papa. Their life, and more specifically their relationship. I decided to write a letter to them. Here we go: 

Dear Gramma and Papa, 

Does the kind of relationship that you both shared still exist? 

Gramma, I know I could have asked you, but your sudden death 2.5 years ago prevents me from having that conversation with you presently. I am saddened. There is so much I want to ask you. So much left unsaid. And now, especially now, I need your advice.  I hope you are doing well, and happy, and pain free. I'm cooking a lot now. Turkey burgers, and turkey surprise, your chilli, and pineapple chicken, banana bread and french toast. You would be proud of me.

Papa, you are still very much here, but you don't like to talk about these things. I have asked you about a few questions I have had, but I wonder what gramma's perspective would be? 

You both met so young, it was your first love, your first kiss, your first, well, of everything. I know the feeling of firsts. The exhilaration, the fear, the comfort, the excitement, the security. Gramma, were you scared getting married at 17? Or was it just the thing to do? Did you think about what the future would bring? The trouble that would lie ahead? Or did you just live in the moment? 

And Papa, at 22, what went through your head? Were you scared? Nervous? Did you know for sure you wanted to get married? Have kids? Or did you too, just live in the moment. Your proposal was beautiful, Papa. A romantic dinner with the ring hiding in the pedals of an orchid set on the table between the two of you. I think I get the romantic part of me from you. I live for the day that I get to experience something like that. 

Your early years were filled with so much bliss, so much happiness. Brothers and sisters, family, and love. But soon after, from the stories I was told, adversity struck. And here is where I now come to respect your relationship so much more, more than I ever have before.

Your first child brought you a still born son. A full delivery to a child that would never live, thrive, or even have a name. Tragedy struck. But you both held onto each other. You could have run, you could have divorced, but you stayed. How did you make it through that? What made you stay and not run? I need to know what that quality is, so I can find it my partner one day. What is it that held you down to work through the tragedy?

You were blessed with two beautiful girls after that. Did the joys make up for the tragedy in your past? Did your girls fulfill your wishes? Were you nervous to be a parents? I know money got tight, and you shared one car throughout most of your growing parenting years. Long hard hours at the post office, leaving your family at home, but knowing you were taking care of them. Did you miss them? Did your work satisfy you? Or did you treat work as just a part of your life? How did you decide what to give up? I know it was a different time, I really do, but I still admire your choices and wonder how they came to be. 

Gramma, I know you let papa have boys nights out, I so admire that quality in you as well, as you gave Papa his space, even though you spent many days home alone raising the kids. 

But Gramma, what pain were you hiding? What allowed you to eat your pain away? To become so overweight that your health and life was at stake? Was it holding in your emotions out of fear of how papa would react? I only ask, because I have done the same thing. Holding things in for the one I love. I finally had to let it out though, for my own health, because I didn't want to end up like you, I didn't want to have your health. So I spoke. I spoke my truth. And I was hit with a sharp knife of rejection. Were you afraid of that too? I don't blame you for keeping it all in,because the pain of exposing your soul, your vulnerabilities and then being slapped in the face leaves you with a permanent scar on your heart. I wish you were here right now to help mend that scar, to tell me that I was right to speak the truth, and that I should learn from your mistakes. But right now, my beloved grandmother, I am just not sure about anything, or if anyone will accept me, for just being me. I am a talker at heart, and I crave conversation and feel like I deserve conversations to help me understand, and I am just granted that opportunity too often. Heartache at 15 feels devastating, but at almost 27, you feel panicked, confused, angry, and are filled with more questions that an teenager would even venture to answer. 

Papa, did you notice the pain Gramma was in? Did you choose to ignore it? Did you notice her weight gain as a source of emotional pain? Or being so non-confrontational, did you just let it go?Do you regret that decision now? Do you think it would have changed gramma's young death? Do you take blame? 

So many unanswered questions for both of you....but from the naked eye, what I saw was devotion. I know I may never get these questions answered, and I struggle with that, because for my own relationships I want what you had. I want the mistakes, and the questions, because in reality no relationship is perfect. I want your relationship because you were self-less in your love for each other. You gave up so much for each other. 

Gramma, your health worsened over the years, and the one thing you told me over and over again was thank god for papa. Because despite an argument the night before, or his late nights of drinking or your problems with food...you ran to each other's side when it came to the important things. You communicated. You made decisions together. You stayed. 

Surgeries, and near death situations would have torn any normal couple apart. Not wanting to deal with the realities of routine, and recovery, hospital stays, and medicine. Less money, more expenses. But even as the tough times and depression set in, you stayed. Sure, I have heard stories of sleeping in separate bedrooms, stories of stubbornness, and picking at each other's nerves. But you stayed. I don't think you were happy 100% of your life. In fact, I know you weren't. But somehow, that wasn't a deal breaker. Your family, your core values, your kids, each other, remained the priority.

Vacations were spent up north and at mackinaw, not flying around the world. Money was tight. But that was ok. It was not expected, not what you planned for your life, but it was ok. It remained ok for 60+ years. I honor your values, and the fact that you did not throw money at your problems...you threw love at your problems.

Gramma, I can only imagine how much independence you felt you lost when you could not longer drive, then could not longer walk without a walker, then could no longer sit in the car for long, then could no longer visit your family or attend graduation parties or graduations from college. I sit here and tear up for how much you missed. I know only 1/10 of the pain you felt from missing out. I get angry sometimes at you for not taking action and doing something about your health, angry at papa too for not saying something, but then I must stop and remind myself that you still stayed with each other. These were mistakes you made, that you both made, but you never left each other's side. 

Soon, going to the bathroom on your own got difficult, you couldn't attend holidays or even go to breakfast with papa. Papa...what did that do to you? Do to your soul? your aspirations? Your wants? Again, what made you stay?

You were SO committed to each other, that even though Papa could attend the graduation events, parties, and breakfasts, he wouldn't go because he did not want to live gramma at home. My heartbreaks that you had to make that compromise, but it breaks again when I realize why you did it. Self-less love. Devotion. Loyalty. Commitment.

After traveling in the Army, you put your love of travel aside to commit to marrying Gramma. You raised, played with, supported, and cared for beautiful girls even though you had never held a baby in your life. You both went through the tragedies and the celebrations of life. Family was #1. Always. You both live for your children and grandchildren. I know times have changed, and people are busy with schedules, and phones, computers, careers, but I value your sense of family, and am humbled by your commitment. And no matter how many years in the future that I live, I will continue to seek out that kind of relationship for myself. I often wonder why I have lost relationships, the ones I thought were "the one" but maybe it is because I have not found the modern day version of your relationship. Maybe that is what I have been waiting for all along. 

With Papa down here, and Gramma up there, I hope the two of you can still work your self-less magic, and help steer me on the right path, the right direction, give me the hope, place the person in my life that I can spent the next 60+ years with. Give me a sign that he is "the one." Believe me, when that person comes, I will honor it, respect it, be myself it in, not take it for granted, be loyal do it, laugh with it, stay with it, and everyday, think of the both of you, and remember the truly important things in life.

I love you both very much, 

Amanda

Behind these Hazel Eyes

Kelly Clarkston: I've always enjoyed her music. I've enjoyed her in general. Her self-confidence, her ability to use real life experience in her lyrics, her ability to make herself vulnerable. I had a yoz date with an old friend today and this song came on the radio. The song lyrics split my heart in half, as I realized its meaning. Never thought about it before. And in between the delish yoz, great conversation, and laughs, I was brought back to my reality of confusion and heartbreak.

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on


Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes


I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

A Visitor

I cannot take credit for this, unfortunately. But I found it, and I just loved the message. Embracing it myself, and sharing it with my clients.

When it comes to sadness,  separate it from your identity and treat it as a visitor. Get to know him well, but get to know yourself better. Be more clever than your guest and memorize his routines so you can find balance. Make time for him and respect him- listen to what he has to say but keep your objectivity. Exercise, be good to yourself, surround yourself with those who love you through it all, and, most importantly, let go of the idea that it’s stupid to be depressed, it's not stupid, it just makes you human.