Jennifer Nettles

I have a new person that I admire. 

Well not new, an old "friend" really, but I do not believe I really understood the compassion, faith, heartbreak, hope, truth, and healing that Sugarland puts into their music. 

In an effort to continue my personal healing, I have turned to them.

Yes, jammed, by myself, music blaring, starting to feel OK again. 

I listen to it while I am doing my new found practice of yoga. 

I listen on my 10 mile bike rides, another new goal 3x a week.

I listen before bed.

I listen in my car.

I listen because in times of need, emotional saddness and vulnerability, you have to grab on to something.

Music, friends, things that inspire me.

I have always had big dreams for myself. Really big dreams. I want to touch people's lives in some way. I have done it in the classroom, I will do it as a therapist, but I also think there is something more. Maybe it's writing a book, maybe it's writing my own song lyrics, maybe it's instilling hope, dreams, loyalty and beliefs in my kids one day. 

All I know is that I feel inspired today. I feel strength. I have an inner sense of calm.

I do have days, many days, where I wonder why this is happening. How is this part of my plan? My journey? When since 14 years old I have been the one who has wanted the marriage, and kids, and young family, and here I sit, being the last one to have it, if I even ever have it. I wonder why, I wonder if it has been taken from me to make me stronger or to make me appreciate when it's right. Seeing every single one of my family and friends getting married around me is sure a test of my strength and confidence, maybe that is what I need though to be in a relationship, the right one. Strength and confidence, and so I am getting broken down, to build myself back in to the person I need to be when the right man comes along.
 

I do believe that my underlying foundation knows what I want, what I stand for, and what I am passionate about.

Often, on the surface, there is pain, heartache, deep sadness, and hopelessness that covers that strong foundation. 

But underneath it all, I have been beaten down so hard, so much, I am admittedly flawed. But each and every time, I re-new myself. Re-create myself. And this time, after pure and  utter devastation, I realize that I have to be confident in my feelings and what I want out of life. I can't create someone else's confidence. I live my life with deliberate intent. I know what I want, and I go for it. If someone changes their mind, and decides that my lifestyle is not for them, it really isn't my problem. They have to find a lifestyle that works for them. If they decide next week, next month, or 5 years from now that they gave up the only kind of life they would have ever been happy with...that is their journey, their regret, their contemplation, their choices of what to do next. I have to be confident enough to create my own journey.

I have tried to beg back to save friendships, and I just got more hurt. So I cannot do that again, in friendships or any relationships. Years later these friends have come back to me and tried to reconnect, apologize, they found their own journey in a different way but always regretted the way they handled an emotional situation. I accept apologies. I try not to hold grudges. But sometimes when journeys take years to figure out, our separate journeys lead us down different paths, and it will never be the same. But I have always found myself better off because of it. So I have think that this new journey, will give me the same results. 

I always have my door open for re-connections. I have talked before about never needing to go lonely in this world, this world is about sharing pain, sharing experiences, connecting. And so I always leave a small path open for those who were once in my life but decided to create a different journey, separate from mine.

Jennifer Nettles said last night that when she is at home she "sleeps like its her job." Her husband is cooking and cleaning and runnin' the whole town, and yep I just sleep. But it works. She is so confident in her lifestyle, her choices, her strong leadership. She doesn't give a rat's ass about what anything thinks, she is funny as hell, and she speaks her mind. I have that in me, I have always had that in me, but I guess I have held back out of fear of judgement.

No longer. 

What an inspirational evening at Sugarland with my best and closest surrounding me.
Thank you Sugarland, Jennifer Nettles, for making me believe in myself again...for empowering me to create a journey for myself, to reassure me that I will be ok again, for giving me the strength and the faith to start over. For allowing me to believe again in self-forgiveness, and making it ok to have flaws. For brightening my day, and changing my outlook on life. When and if I turn my blog into song lyrics, maybe you will be able to sing my story one day.

Today officially starts a new day. A new start. I am open to the possibilities...of life, of love, of exploring everything life has to offer. It is ok to have heartache days, I have many, I have been heartbroken. But at almost 27 years old, I do not have time to let this define me. I deserve more. I am more. There will be someone waiting, for a girl like me. But for now, my confidence soars into my own journey, slowly accepting my past, leaving doors open for reunions and change, and knowing that it will be alright again.

"I hope you are reminded that you are enough, that you are worthy, that perfect is completely boring and, most of all, that it'll be all right again."

I like being out there, and I also happen to be extremely driven and extremely hardheaded, and I don't like something outside of my control running the situation."

"We are flawed and we know we're flawed. We have issues, but it is how we work through them, what we learn, and how we grow."

"Sometimes we write songs to change your life and sometimes we write songs just to change your day." 

-Jennifer Nettles