Three things I am thankful for

An old friend once told me, that even on your worst day, try to write down three things you are thankful for before you go to bed each night, and so it is with that advice that I say:

1. I am thankful for my job. Especially in this economy, I know that many people would give an arm and a leg to be in my life write now. I get a paycheck every week, and I am lucky enough to have a family that I enjoy being with and have welcome me back home with open arms---which in turn allows me to save money, save more money than I ever could living on my own. Now is really the best time in life to save as much money as possible as I gear up for the years ahead of me which of course include, grad school, marriage, houses---all of which I will need massive amounts of money for. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and not only do I have A JOB, I happen to be completely in love with my job, which gives me joy every day.

2. My grandparents. I am lucky enough to have both sets of grandparents living. There have been some major health issues with all of them; hospital visits, pneumonia, a fall on the ice, infection, etc...but I have them all here with me, and it is during these holiday times that I truly appreciate them being around. It has always been my hope and wish that my grandparents will be around for my wedding, I want them to see the man that I will spend the rest of my life with, and I pray that their health will allow them to see that one day.

3. My health. It has been quite the roller coaster this past year and a half or so with my health. I have learned that I will probably always struggle with the image I see in the mirror, I will always struggle with my weight, I will always struggle with my moods, but I have taken great strides in appreciating health for much more than just surface looks and feelings. I am physically healthy, I am young, and I have my entire life ahead of me to create the person I want to be and pursue my goals...I don't think I could be any more thankful.

and one more for good luck.....
4. My friends. I am thankful for the people who came into my life when the rest of the world walked out. I thankful to the friends who have shown me what true friendship is all about. I am thankful to those who allowed me to grow and express my opinions when no one else would listen. I am thankful to those who supported me, encouraged me, and brought me back to life. I am thankful to those who call me just to check in, and those who understand that I need the reassurance that I am not alone in this world. I am thankful to past friends who helped me become who I am today, and taught me some important lessons along the way, I am thankful to future friends and the relationships that we will share. I am thankful for relationships in general, they are the most complicated structures of life, they have the ability to create intense pain, disappointment, regret, sadness and silence, but they also have the ability to create compassion, laughter, love, sympathy, humor, and a connection that cannot be described in words....and for ALL of this I am thankful.

A Broken Heart

Excerpt from my first book (maybe)
December 2007
A Broken Heart, Chapter 4

She hung up the phone, and quietly began to cry, much like a leaky faucet one tiny tear drop at a time. The burning in her throat, from holding pack the downpour that was about to fall, was leaving a scar inside her throat. She took long, shallow breaths. Her heart raced, as lies and betrayal flowed through her body. No one understood, no one ever would. For a small second, she laughed. Almost trying to laugh away the pain, that someone actually thought this was all in her head, that she was to blame. Blame, guilt, fear, envy, sadness, too far gone and then the dam burst. All of the sudden her eyes were engorged with a bucket of tears, her body shaking as if a earthquake had taken over her body. Thick drops of water ran out of her eyes and bounced off her face like little jumping beans on ridilin. Her face grew giant blood red splotches, as did her chest, thighs and arms. The water evolving from her eye lids, trickled down her nose into her mouth, and she felt as if she was drowning in a bucket of salt water. Her palms sweat, her head swirling from what if's and why's and how could this be. A massive headache, like screws being punched into her optic nerve overcome her, and she suddenly felt light headed. They say you can only feel a broken heart, you can never see what one looks like, the pain you feel is image enough. The weakened and distraught girl tried to stand up, and just seconds before she hit the floor she managed to glance in the mirror at herself; " so this is what a broken heart looks like", she said. And then she fell unconscious on the floor.

Keepin The Faith

"Some people wear their faith like an overcoat. It only warms them, but does not benefit others at all. But some light a fire and also warm others."

Today, find little ways to bring warmth and love into someone else's life.
- Rav Mendel of Kotzk (1789 - 1859)

Faith. It's a funny thing. I have struggled with my own faith a lot over the last several years. Asking questions like why me, why did this happen, why do I deserve this, why am I always disappointed? Faith in the belief that everything happens for a reason—that is so hard for me wrap my head around, because usually the “everything” that is happening is so painful; I have no energy or patience to learn or wait for the reason to appear. I need to learn to have more patience, it’s a character flaw of mine for sure, I want everything to happen yesterday, I want past mistakes to be fixed today, I want to set a date and age to get married, I always look towards what is going to happen next, instead of enjoying the moment. I am a planner, I am a type A personality, I am a gold(http://www.truecolorstest.com/True_Colors_Test.shtml,) patience is hard for me, so is believing in something that I cannot see or reason with, and so are unanswered questions and circumstances that never should have been. I am trying to work on this.

So back to faith. When I had nothing else to hold onto, I turned to faith, I forced myself to believe that there was a plan for me, that I am here in this life for a reason and for a purpose. Each day I still try to find that purpose. And little by little I am finding my way through this life. I know that my job is a part of my purpose…I know that I was placed at my school, in the city I grew up in, teaching Spanish, and teaching an age that I already know I am having an influence on for a very particular reason. I know that I am doing good, honest, work that I am proud of, and that I truly enjoy. I wake up every morning, well most mornings, excited to go into work, excited to be with my kids. I love hearing them in the halls telling their friends what they learned in Spanish, or speaking Spanish down the halls, I always have a sense of pride like “I taught them that.” I enjoy my mentoring roles, and my after school talks with the kids too---that is especially why I went into this profession…..I want to be that go-to person when kids have nowhere else to turn. I have been left alone when I had nowhere else to turn, and I don’t want my kids to have to go through that. So yes, I have faith that moving back home, and going through job searches, and turning down jobs, and the disappointed of failed interviews---it all had a plan, it all had a purpose, to lead me towards my current job which I am absolutely enamored with. Sure, I could say it was luck and connections that I had, but I have wanted this specific teaching position for over 10 years, I think, in this case, something bigger than luck played a part.

I am slightly envious of people who have an unchartered belief in faith---they are the ones that are able to look at everything so optimistically. But, I think faith is a very double edge sword---as the passage I quoted explains, some people use their faith as an overcoat, almost as a mask, a protective covering, an excuse, used only to benefit themselves. They use it as a crutch to explain their own lives and give themselves answers to make themselves feel better about their unwanted circumstances. People go around preaching that “things always ends up just the way they should be and that everything is worth it.” And while that may be true to an extent, the problem is, people use this mentally as a way to avoid reality. A fight, an argument, a bad job interview, a bad breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend, a lie, dishonesty, a broken friendship……people don’t look at WHY these things happened or spend time trying to repair the damage done, they just say that there is a reason this is happening, everything is worth it, this must be in the great, divine plan. I DO NOT agree with this. With this attitude, I think you are using faith to not help others but rather hurt others. Using faith in this way may be protecting you, but it is protecting you only because you are avoiding the issue at hand. What is life without confrontation, arguments, effort, struggle, repairing relationships that seem impossible to sew back together, working with people as a team as a partnership to overcome challenges, doing something unselfish, thinking about what other people want and changing your attitude to benefit them, looking at things from another perspective and changing your actions because you realize something you never saw before….this is how we grow in life, it is in these often awkward, upsetting, painful moments in life that faith is renewed, restored and shared with others.

There is a difference between faith and religion. I am not a huge fan of organized religion, I think it takes people in who are struggling to find meaning in their lives, and engulfs those people into a completely different world---quietly telling them how to think, feel, act, etc. You are your own person, you have your own free will, you have the choice of to be honest or to lie, God doesn’t make that choice for you. You have the choice to make up for past mistakes, mistakes help you grow, it’s how you learn…. People wait so long to receive a sign from God that it is time to make up for past regrets---that is your choice, do it when YOU feel ready.

Look, I believe in god, I have to believe that there is something bigger out there keeping my family and friends safe and healthy, something out there that gave me a second chance…BUT faith, in my opinion, differs from religion in a big way. Faith is not about thinking in a certain way or praying in a certain way or believing in a certain religious figure. Faith is not about the holidays that you celebrate, or the gifts that you are supposed to get or how often you go to church or temple— which often is linked to how good of a person you are. Faith is all about doing the right thing, finding the good in people, the belief that there is good in everyone despite past mistakes. Faith is the belief in yourself, the belief that who you were yesterday does not have to be the you that you are today. Faith is about looking at painful situations, awkward situations, and miscommunications, in a new way, earning a new perspective, and working hard to repair the damage that has been done. Faith is about understanding that you can wipe the slate clean, and start again. Faith is about apologizing, and being unselfish, and believing that with time, people in your life will work with you as a team to accomplish great things. Faith is the belief that even though you may be consistently disappointed, even though people may never live up to your expectations, it shouldn’t stop you from being a good person, being honest, doing the right thing, and continuing to have high expectations for the people in your life…because you have the faith that you don’t deserve any less. Yes, have the faith that things that are meant to be will be, but don’t leave it up to faith. For things to be meant to be, for everything to work out the way it should, you have to be an active part of that result, you have to be active part of your own life. Don’t think it’s too late, don’t be too proud, don’t think that it’s a lost cause---you would be surprised at how forgiving people can be after a simple I am sorry, after a simple glimpse that you are trying to see the best in the other person, after a simple try to see things from another’s point of view, a simple gesture of faith saying you are worth it, let’s do this together. Life is too big to go through it alone, you need people to give you faith that you aren’t in this world alone.

So today, don’t wear your faith like an overcoat of protection, using it as an excuse to avoid confrontation, using it as a way tell yourself it will all be ok, because for the person on the other end, it may not be ok. Instead, use your faith to benefit others, light a fire, as the passage suggests and use it to warm others. Today, find little ways to bring warmth and love into someone else's life. Better yet, bring love and warmth into someone's life that you argued with or have lost connection with....believe me the benefits will be priceless.

Someone

Someone

Creative Writing

ENG 503

Everyone wants a someone

It’s a basic human need

A someone is a friend, boyfriend, wife, husband, girlfriend, cousin, neighbor, it does not matter at all

Once you find your someone, they will not let you fall.

My someone came into my life by fate, a reunion by mere chance

And from that moment our relationship was like a choreographed dance

My someone made me happy and knew all the right things to say

We traced each other’s footsteps almost every day

I knew what my someone was thinking, and vise versa as well

It was a friendship story too perfect to tell

My someone saw something I never saw in myself

A sense of humor, intelligence, compassion and a life long friend

Something we knew would never end

My someone was my by side at the moment I was sad

And calmly told me, things aren’t so bad

I told my someone that I would always be a listening ear

And our conversations lasted for hours, often ending with a happy tear

We found everything we needed with each other’s company, we shared beliefs, morals, interests, goals, laughs and fears

My someone was someone whom no one compared

Through every note, hug, birthday, and shared memory each year

Our gratitude to each other was endless because this match was really quite rare

We knew each other better than we knew ourselves, and never forsaw the gigantic wall ahead,

I look back now, and only bow my head

Little by little my someone began to change, as did I

I resisted the change, as the time began to fly by

I was told words by another, that I hid for months mostly out of fear,

And those words would turn out to be something that took me very far from here

I was facing a new life ahead, growing up, and moving on to pursue my goals

A new chapter was on the horizon, and suddenly I realized my life was filled with giant holes

My someone suspected a change in me,

But mostly it was thought to be jealously

Each week that passed, I slipped further away

Lonely doesn’t even begin to describe the price I would have to pay

I fought it like crazy, making excuses, and shutting down

I didn’t tell my someone, because I felt like I was going to drown

The fights began, the hate built up, I felt more worthless each day

As the date approached, I packed my things, drove my car, and went away

My hands trembled as I steered the car, prescriptions on my side

I stopped, and began the plan, but soon realized I was running out of time

Just as I started, I jumped about a mile, and the cell phone began to ring

It was my someone, wondering where I had been

I did not answer, I had already made up my mind….

But my someone called again, and through the tears that splashed down my face

My heart slowed to a lower pace

No one else cared, but my someone did,

And so I made the decision right there and then

And prevented the biggest mistake that could have been

My someone talked to me as I walked in shaken and miserable and upset

“You need help, I will be there to hold your hand through this, but I am done reassuring you that we are ok” and then it was set….

I slapped a smile across my face as I walked across the stage,

My someone hugged me just moments before,

And I thought that had settled the score

Things were rocky weeks later, but better than before

But the hand I was promised never came my way

And soon I realized, that the because of my circumstances, I would have to pay

No it wasn’t fair, no, it wasn’t right, but I was caught in the middle of a war path, and had a lot to say

As I struggled to find myself, and give my life a second chance too

I was lied to and betrayed by the someone who said they would always be my “glue”

The glue that was supposed to keep me together,

Confronted me and beat me down as if I was as emotionless as a feather

I didn’t have a choice either way

I looked into my someone’s eyes and realized, we were breaking apart, and I would be the one to pay

The months went on, and we rebuilt steady and true

But that something from my someone was missing, and we both knew it, too

But still we trudged on, meeting the goals we set out to years ago

And little by little the phone calls and meetings started to glow

I felt the little spark again, and a piece of my broken heart began to mend like re-glued broken glass

Cracks and all, I thought we were gonna make it, we were gonna pass

I finally told my someone the truth, the words that were haunting me inside, my someone shed a tear, and a breakthrough was very near

A confrontation was needed, but challenging of course, I respected my someone’s choices and gave time to reduce the fear

And in the end, the confrontation was made, but the surprise to me,

Was that my someone decided to leave me behind…..my side, my someone could no longer see

The other side of the story was the way to go,

All intentions were never malicious, I was the one who interpreted it all wrong, because I was so low

And as I sat there, the piece of my heart that had begun to mend, suddenly broke in a million pieces right then and there

A part of me was broken forever, no one would be able to repair

I have asked myself why, and when, and who and how more times than I can count,

I have apologized and asked what I could have done differently before the fire went out

I stayed up nights trying to figure out why it all seemed so unfair, my someone was betrayed by many friends along the way

And now my someone did the same to me, there was not much left to say

You see, a someone can always be replaced, there are many someones out there for us all, I was replaced by a new someone, someone I didn’t expect at all

And I will always wonder if my someone has regrets, and although I know I stand by what I say

I think we both would go about doing things in a very different way

We all have someone’s come into and out of our lives for different reasons and in different ways, but the connection between my someone and I

Won’t be replaced---

It was a connection like no other, a never ending tie.

I went through every emtion; angry, upset, sad and depressed

There are no answers for some things in life, but I truly do wish my old someone the very best

In this life, lessons must be learned, some are harder than others as well

My other someones have taught me, how important I am, and that means more to me than I can tell

Remember your someones, more good memories than bad, and know that life is full of happy and sad

A part of me is scarred forever, a part of me is gone for now too

But I have been blessed and filled with happiness, a second chance at life,

And that is better than what any someone can do.

Lessons Learned

It's difficult to be lovingly truthful with others. When an opportunity arises to confront someone with the truth, we lock up; our hearts race and our adrenaline pumps at the mere prospect of speaking our mind.

It's always easier to tell people what they want to hear. It's more comfortable to agree with someone even if we don't agree in our hearts.

Fear of speaking the truth is a stumbling block we face in our desire to experience fulfilling, honest and loving relationships. When we hold something back, that something separates us from the other person.

Today, be courageous. Open your mouth when you need to tell the truth.

So this message appeared in my email today, I was just going to put into SPAM, as the sender was motivationalwords.com or something to that effect. But for some strange reason, I decided to open it (probably procrastinating from going to the gym). I read it, and then read it again, and then read it again. The issue of confrontation, the issue of not lieing, but of not telling the truth either, in order to protect someone’s feelings.

I have, unfortunately, had to deal head on with confrontation and the excuse of not telling the truth in order to protect feelings. So I related well to this motivational message. Why is confrontation so hard, for so many of us? We become nervous and defensive and often avoid it all costs. Is it really that hard to tell the truth to someone we care so much about? The message said it is difficult to be lovingly truthful with others; is that to say that the truth will always hurt? That to speak your mind, and tell the truth will always hurt someone’s feelings? Is there a right and wrong way to tell the truth? In my opinion yes, there is. If someone has a huge chunk of food in their teeth, you could say in public a) you look like shit with food between your teeth or quietly sayb) do you know what, you have a little bit of food stuck in your teeth, might want to get that out. Yes, food in your teeth is a trivial issue compared to other truths that need to be told in life, but you get the point. The truth is hard to tell someone sometimes. It is not easy, it is not always fun. When it comes to relationships it is even trickier. What happens if you ask a friend: Do you believe me? Does the friend say yes, as to not hurt your feelings, or does he/she tell you how she really feels. Does the friend say yes, but really mean no? Is he or she just trying to pacify you, until you calm down and the issues disappear. Does the friend say yes, because they really do believe you, until they hear another side of the story and decide to believe that side of the story. Are they just telling you what you want to hear…only later to be heartbroken and betrayed when the truth comes out.

Is it easier, as the message describes, to just tell people what they want to hear and agree with them, because a) you don’t want to hurt their feelings b) you don’t want to deal with telling them how you really feel c) you just don’t care anymore----of course it is easier, hands down. But remember, tell a friend only what they want to hear is a short term solution to a long term problem. The truth will eventually come out, and there is generally a great amount of pain associated with people who say one thing and do another. In these types of situations the person who is just being told what they want to hear, even if it is with good intentions, ends up being lied to, betrayed, angry, confused…the list goes on. As hard as the truth may have been to hear, believe me, even a painful truth is considerably less damaging that listening to a trusted friend tell you what you want to hear, and then doing the complete opposite behind your back, or in front of your face. I don’t wish that experience on anyone, although I know it has happened to many of us.

I think it comes with maturity, and experience, to be honest. Because I have been “burned” in the past so to speak with this kind of situation, it has changed my relationships drastically with other people. My experiences have shown me that some people will tell you only what you want to hear, only to turn around and do the completely opposite for no good reason, or explanation. Some people just do not care, or they are so far deep into the situation they don’t know what else to do, some people just don’t know what they want and I think they take it out on the people they love the most, only to find out that when they do figure their lives out, those people are long gone. I don’t think anyone ever sets out to cause harm on a trusted friend, boyfriend, girlfriend etc. I would hope that would not be the goal in these types of situations. I think that circumstances fall on top of each other, and people make choices that are best for them, without thinking of the other involved. Unfortunately, no matter how much you analyze the situation and think about the what if’s. you cannot change people, nor can you change your past. The choices people make often cause a type of pain that is indescribable, and causes you to lose a piece of yourself that you will never get back.

As the message in my email indicates: When we hold something back, that something separates us from the other person. That something is the truth, honestly, compassion. Before you know it, that separation causes the greatest abyss, even between the best of friends, the long term girlfriends and boyfriends, twenty and thirty year marriages.

Today, be courageous. Open your mouth when you need to tell the truth. Sometimes, the sting of lies and deception makes too deep of a scar to repair, but remember what you learned from your experience for the next time around, because believe me, the opportunity to tell the truth is all around us, there will be another chance to do the right thing. But more importantly, if you realize today, tomorrow, or next year, that you made a mistake, that the truth should have been told in the RIGHT way, and it wasn’t. Remember, it’s never too late to make up for past mistakes. Don't let your fear for truth the second time around, prevent you from doing the right thing this time around. Look for the good in people, despite the mistakes of the past. Make up for lost time. Remember what is important, remember who is important, and remember that putting yourself in a another person's shoes gives you great perspective and a new found appreciation for relationships. Mistakes make us who we are, that is how we learn, how we grow, and how we gain compassion...after all isn't that what life is about, isn't that what Thanksgiving is about, being thankful for second chances and lessons learned.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving. This has been a long time coming. A live journal....it reminds me of my freshman and sophomore years of college when we all had our XANGA journals. I looked back at mine, and my friends' journals and realized that as silly and trivial as they seemed, they really helped a lot of us make it through our first few years of college. It kept us connected, it provided support during tough personal times and school stress. And if nothing else, it gave us a great opportunity for procrastination, before facebook came around. Looking through those old XANGA journals, it brought back an insane amount of memories, some that I had completely forgot about, and they brought a smile to my face---complaining about dorm food, being home sick, wondering what it would be like to actually become a teacher one day, wondering if me and my college roommate would even make it into the college of education, writing about stress and finals, and the delicious rice krispy treats in the cafeteria. Writing about weekend events, new friends, boys, the happiness I felt reconnecting with old friends, pulling all nighters to study for a big exam with new friends, the story of me eating caramels till all hours of the night while studying and not realizing that they had milk in them....as I proceeded to have violent lactose intolerant attack and my poor roommate had to listen to it all. The stories of college parties, and balancing school and a social life, wondering if college was really the right fit for me, stories of getting lost on the CATA buses, working hard to lose the weight I had been, and still do, battle constantly, jumping over the train tracks and splitting open my foot and consequently being stiched up and on crutches for weeks, having major gall bladder surgery freshman year and having three of the most wonderful friends by my side to be there for me, stories about birthdays, and sleepovers, 3AM talks with people I thought I would be friends with for the rest of my life, its funny how the biggest stress in undergrad was a failed test, you gain intense perspective on life after you graduate from college. XANGA was wonderful therapy in a lot of different ways....sure it was fun to comment on friends' posts, and find out about each others lives through writing, but for me, it allowed me to express myself in a way that I wasn't always able to out loud. I have found that many people in life, will listen to you with a solid ear when things are going well and you are happy, but the very minute you being to struggle, the very second things begin to unravel, people run away...all of the sudden because you are going through a rough patch, everything you interpret, say, do, think, act, want, is wrong....like all of the sudden you are stupid and unworthy because of the choices that you made during a challenging time in your life. And despite trying desperately to give second, third, fourth chances at making things right, sometimes, things are just too far gone.

I have always kept a written journal, but I decided to get into professional writing about a year ago. Writing has always done wonders for me personally, it is a great healing tool, a venting tool, and a source of great personal strength. The thing about professional writing, is that eventually, it is published...made public. I had no problem making my XANGA public back in college, but for some reason, I am completely petrified to make my writing public now. Maybe because what I have to write about is so much deeper than weekend plans and a final exam. So it was suggested to me that I try keeping a public journal, something that probably very few people will read, but it is in the public visible to people, if they choose to read it. What the hell, I will give it a try. I have been blessed with happiness, and a second chance at life, and as I venture through my twenties, I want a record of what I was going through, what I was feeling, and maybe, this will get around to enough people, that my writing will touch other people in their twenties trying to figure out their own lives. I am in the same boat with all of you...and I look forward to finding out who we are together. If nothing else, I enjoy writing, so I am spending the extra free time (extra being a relative term considering I am a full time teacher, coach, and am in the middle of going to grad school) I have doing something I enjoy. Writing on paper or on a journal or online allows for no one to talk back, no one to fight back, no one to lie right to your face, no one to challenge you, or betray you, or make you feel completely worthless. ....no matter what you write, it stays there, staring at you on the page, validating each and every thought and feeling. And so with this first entry, I wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving. There is a lot to be thankful for, and a lot left to figure out.... I have faith that this project of mine, is going to lead me down a very interesting path, and I look forward to where I end up at the end of this journey.