The 2009-2010 school year has officially ended, and what a year it has been. I find as a teacher, we live by the academic calendar year, and as September open houses turn into October's Halloween, we find ourselves sailing through to Thanksgiving, and Winter Break. Michigan winters freeze us to the inside of our four walls, and through the depths of the cold, slowly we see the flowers pop up. Spring break comes, reports cards, conferences, honors night, and June graduation is here. Living in the busy day to day life of a teacher, dealing with 150 students, needs, names, e-mails, plans, tests, parties, meetings, grad school, you find yourself on a wheel never really able to take time to realize just how fast each year passes. I will be entering my third year of teaching in the Fall, and I feel like I am just getting out of Michigan State entering my student teaching year.
To say that the past year has been overwhelming, would be an understatement. As I was laid off from the best first year of teaching in, well, history, so I am told, I found myself completely lost last summer. Struggling living at home, sad to leave a school and friends that I had become so close to, wondering how grad school would treat me, wondering how to recreate myself in my post-college, now adult professional and social life.
I say I am not good at change, but the truth is, I am good at change, I have been forced to be flexible. I don't like change, but I can no longer say that I am not good at it. I have transitioned from urban high school, to suburban Title 1 middle school, to suburban very upper class high school, and now back to middle class, middle school. I have come across all different types of students, teachers, environments, and friends. Each school that I have stepped foot into, I have left with awards, letters from students, presents, wonderful friends, and my most recent Superintendents Award of Excellence for inspiring students. While my passion lies in middle school age children, in lower socio-economic areas, I have battled past all the stereo-types and brought my personality into the classroom. I have learned that a sense of humor goes a long way, and a good relationship with your students is key to classroom success and classroom management. Yes, I make fun of my students. Yes, I am fiercely sarcastic. But through this, I also teach them, not just subject matter, but how to create a friendly, respectful environment that you can have fun in.
I left in tears when I left my first year of teaching, laid off. I was lucky enough to get hired once again into a very different district, and while I had mixed feelings, I fell into a school that was truly inspiring. The teachers, staff, administration, and environment were so passionate for what they did, putting students first, and putting teachers first. Showing what truly high expectations and leadership and can bring to a school. I was included in every lunch, every 1/2 day outing, every bar trip, inside jokes, stories, shared rubrics, and projects, and lesson ideas. Any problem I had, it was taken care of immediately. While I thought I would feel like an orphan being on a cart and not having my own room, it allowed me to once again adapt to change, be flexible, and meet many different teachers as I roamed through the halls.
You often don't realize what you have gained until it is gone, and as I found myself laid off once again this year, I realized how wonderful the staff that surrounded me truly was. And I am so appreciative, grateful, and lucky to have made new friends. I continue to get e-mails, phone calls, and texts congratulating me, checking in on me, and supporting me.
In a lucky twist of fate, I took a chance, put myself out there, took a deep breath of confidence, and within 48 hours , and three rounds of interviews, I found myself once again employed in yet another new district, before school even got out this year. I will be a full time middle school Spanish teacher come Fall....my dream job. As a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, I felt both my grandmas looking down on me, telling me, I would be ok. I truly felt that this job is going to be meant to be. Something told me I would get it. Something pushed me to be my best. And I will begin my third year of teaching in the fall teaching 6, 7, and 8th graders Spanish......the age group and subject I am so passionate about. I am thrilled, excited, motivated, and so happy for a stress free summer.
While this year provided an excellent staff, an opportunity for me to teach English, which I fell in love with, and the insurance and money allowed me to move out, I certainly had my fair share of setbacks. I found myself struggling, and I finally took a deep breath and reluctantly asked for help. Within the struggle, the fighting back, the resisting, the emotion of it all, I have learned a great deal about myself, my relationships, and the power of unconditional loyalty, caring for someone more that just a friend, but as a person. Through some unfortunate circumstances in the past, I developed a sort of learned helplessness, I craved equity in my relationships, I craved loyalty, I screamed inside wondering if anyone would pay attention...and it never came. I suffered the consequences, lowered my expectations, and found myself completely self-destructed. Always, deep down, knowing what I expected, wanted, and deserved, but never having the confidence to get it, never thinking I was worth it enough. Oh, if only I could turn back time, and realize how severely wrong I was. If only I could turn back time, and speak my mind, and say, I deserve more, so I am leaving. But I hung onto people, places, and events for too long, because I feared change, I feared losing a part of me. But the truth is, I lost the part of me that was still young, insecure, dependent, afraid, angry...and I have no problem admitting that. I lost the part of me that for so long thought that all my memories and history and worth was wrapped up into specific events, specific people, and filled with betrayal, immaturity, and hurt. As I have written so many times before, time has healed the scars, and in hindsight, I am so much better off, not just with the new people, places, and circumstances that have entered into my life, but the fact that I can confidently say, that I am worth more, and I forgive the past, because it brought me to such a better place.
They say that everything happens for a reason, my entire life I wanted to be a teacher, and while I always pictured my teaching career a certain way, the path it has taken has certainly been different that I had imagined. However, it has bought experiences and people in my life that completely changed me. I last minute decision to student teach in Detroit instead of East Lansing caused a lot of tension. I found myself student teaching in a urban district with a teacher that I did not feel confident about upon first impression. But it was just the nerves. I was able to work under a very skilled, sarcastic, intelligent teacher that truly let me embrace my creativity, and direct my own learning, and allowed me to realize that I truly could reach any student no matter what race, ethnicity, or age. My next school was my dream job, middle school, Spanish back in the district I grew up in. It was a great place to set my foundation for teaching, to see what building relationships with kids meant, and unexpectedly met a few friends down the hall that have become my closest friends and support. This past year of transitions, sent me to a school that forced me to stretch my teaching abilities both in subject matter, organization, and relationships. I was surrounded by young, fresh, teachers and leadership that really showed me the importance of how to make a school work well.
Throughout this year of transitions, and struggles, I found myself supported by incredibly wonderful friends that I met while surviving my first year of teaching. I have found a completely new respect for people that push you out of your comfort zone, that often care about you more than care for yourself, that accept every flaw, bad mood, struggle, conflict, and keep coming back again and again, even when you push them away harder than you have ever pushed. It is the push, and them pushing harder, that eventually breaks down the walls you have been holding onto for so long. I have been working hard to break down walls, and habits that have been built up over 25 years, and without these people in my life, I really find myself wondering where I would be. Certainly not in the place that I am, and most likely just trying to survive, instead of finding comfort, support, help and enjoying this ride that life is taking me on.
I have learned to look at people and places that have been there all along, I was just too blind to see them. I am learning that it is the people that you don't see everyday, or even every month, but somehow keep in touch and pick up right where you left off when you see them. I am blessed to have such a support system in my life.
Both of my grandmothers passed away within 5 months of each other this past year. And if it had not been for this support system that I have....the phone calls, texts, and visits even when I refused to talk, it's sometimes the presence of another that just makes life feel a bit less lonely. The passing away of my grandmothers has left a hole in life, my mind, my heart. Everything I value, everything that I have grown up with, every memory, tradition, good news, bad news, accomplishment, milestone, was shared with my grandma. I continue to dial the phone to call her and tell her of my new job, my awards, and find myself filling with tears when I realize no one will pick up on the other end. I miss my grandma daily, sometimes hourly, but I also know that everything she instilled in me is inside me. I question heaven and religion and all that business, but with her death, I forced myself to believe that whoever is up there, whatever exists up there, has to be a better place, where my grandma can still look down on her family and where she is pain free, finally. I wanted her at my wedding, I wanted her to be a great grandmother to my children, and I wanted her to see me as a true adult---she did nothing but support me and forced me to look at the positive, and I will continue to grieve the loss of all this. Her death did not teach me that life is short or appreciate what you have, rather, it taught me the importance of what kind of impact you leave once you leave...the funeral home was filled, her values of family first, honesty, loyalty, equity, tradition will be forever with me, and carried through to further generations and with my Grandpa who still lives, but now alone after 60 years. My heart still breaks.
This summer, with employment in the fall, becoming even more independent, taking one online grad class...I plan to take time for myself. Be it selfish or not, I need these next 2.5 months to spend on me. to find out the person I am becoming, to learn to habits, new ways of coping, appreciating the people in my life, getting healthy, reading for pleasure, trying yoga, kickboxing, living in the moment. Practice being assertive, and independent, and enjoying the people in my life. Sometimes I try to take on this world by myself, thinking I have all the answers, and don't need anybody's help. But in continuing to learn about myself, I am realizing this is not a sign of weakness, but rather courage to stop self-destructing and understand people are in your life for a reason and want to see you happy. I will have set-backs, you cannot undo 25 years in 2.5 months. But it is coping with the setbacks, it is talking, it is realizing that you are not alone, and realizing that quitting is not an option, it never has been for me, and it never will be. There will be days when I feel like throwing in the towel, when all I want to do is hibernate, but I have to realize that this last year was filled with life, death, surgery, job changes, new people, new places, and it is ok that it takes time to process. Inspired by Sugarland, as I travel through summer vacation.....despite all that comes my way, I am determined to Stand Back Up, and when I push away, I am confident the people in my life with push back..harder.
Happy Summer.
