My Confidence

Today, I feel confident. I feel renewed. I feel unstoppable. I feel loved. This is the part of me that you are never gonna ever gonna take away from me........


"I like being a strong independent woman, and to be honest, I was never afraid of being on my own."

-Dido Armstrong

"I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay."

Virginia Satir
American psychologist and educator, 1916-1988

Costco Samples

Please excuse the strange analogy, but I had the funniest ironic run-in today.

So I went to Costco, and they happened to have some awesome samples, and some really piss-poor samples. I started talking to the nice sample man, young college guy, clearly not knowing what to do with his life, but hey, he has a job, sort of.

We get to chatting about relationships and samples. He began explaining to me that all this time spent with samples has really had him wondering about his relationships...how so, I ask. 

Here was his story (and yes, I am paraphrasing, the guy was either dumb as rocks, or high on some kind of drug)

*In the worst relationship of my life I was totally treated like a sample. Ya know, at first, you are trying something new out. This chic was trying me out, seeing how I tasted, seeing if she'd enjoy me. At first, she liked me a lot ya know, like a fuckin' good sample...she liked me, liked what I had to offer, even if just in small doses. Then she liked me so much she fuckin' bought the product to take home, well bought me, well not really bought me, but ya know hooked up with me, dated me, but you get it. Each week, when you run out of that great sample, you come back from more, and my girl she kept coming back for more. We enjoyed each other. This went on for a while, ya know. Sometimes you just get sick of that sample, man, you eat it so much, it start tasting the same, and it's not new anymore, or exciting, the new cereal tastes just like the rest of your cereals, the fucking novelty is gone. So you throw it away. You stop buying it. Well mam' my girl stopped buying me, she just stopped being into me, I guess I wasn't interesting anymore. See...like a sample, that gets old and boring, they just throw ya away. Stop buying ya. Those poor samples, ya know, still good products, but just not good enough anymore. 

This kid was a trip, but I took a step back, and realized maybe he has a point. 

Maybe all relationships are like samples. 

People try you out, if they like you, they keep you around for a while, but when they are sick of you, bored of you, don't really like the taste of you anymore, they throw you away. Maybe we are all just good samples flowing around....getting tried out, kept around for a while, and if our taste buds remain the same we are kept around for a while, as soon as those taste buds change, as soon as there is a new product out, we jump ship, ready for the next best thing.

If that is the case, I think I will stay away from the samples from right now, the thought of just living life being tried out, until something better comes along, frankly, makes me lose my appetite.

Until next time.....

"When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love."

-Helen Fielding

Dear Gramma and Papa

I went on a new adventure last night. It was interesting. Filled with mixed emotions.  Excitement, nervousness, confusion, comfort, frustration, but really it made me think of my Gramma and Papa. Their life, and more specifically their relationship. I decided to write a letter to them. Here we go: 

Dear Gramma and Papa, 

Does the kind of relationship that you both shared still exist? 

Gramma, I know I could have asked you, but your sudden death 2.5 years ago prevents me from having that conversation with you presently. I am saddened. There is so much I want to ask you. So much left unsaid. And now, especially now, I need your advice.  I hope you are doing well, and happy, and pain free. I'm cooking a lot now. Turkey burgers, and turkey surprise, your chilli, and pineapple chicken, banana bread and french toast. You would be proud of me.

Papa, you are still very much here, but you don't like to talk about these things. I have asked you about a few questions I have had, but I wonder what gramma's perspective would be? 

You both met so young, it was your first love, your first kiss, your first, well, of everything. I know the feeling of firsts. The exhilaration, the fear, the comfort, the excitement, the security. Gramma, were you scared getting married at 17? Or was it just the thing to do? Did you think about what the future would bring? The trouble that would lie ahead? Or did you just live in the moment? 

And Papa, at 22, what went through your head? Were you scared? Nervous? Did you know for sure you wanted to get married? Have kids? Or did you too, just live in the moment. Your proposal was beautiful, Papa. A romantic dinner with the ring hiding in the pedals of an orchid set on the table between the two of you. I think I get the romantic part of me from you. I live for the day that I get to experience something like that. 

Your early years were filled with so much bliss, so much happiness. Brothers and sisters, family, and love. But soon after, from the stories I was told, adversity struck. And here is where I now come to respect your relationship so much more, more than I ever have before.

Your first child brought you a still born son. A full delivery to a child that would never live, thrive, or even have a name. Tragedy struck. But you both held onto each other. You could have run, you could have divorced, but you stayed. How did you make it through that? What made you stay and not run? I need to know what that quality is, so I can find it my partner one day. What is it that held you down to work through the tragedy?

You were blessed with two beautiful girls after that. Did the joys make up for the tragedy in your past? Did your girls fulfill your wishes? Were you nervous to be a parents? I know money got tight, and you shared one car throughout most of your growing parenting years. Long hard hours at the post office, leaving your family at home, but knowing you were taking care of them. Did you miss them? Did your work satisfy you? Or did you treat work as just a part of your life? How did you decide what to give up? I know it was a different time, I really do, but I still admire your choices and wonder how they came to be. 

Gramma, I know you let papa have boys nights out, I so admire that quality in you as well, as you gave Papa his space, even though you spent many days home alone raising the kids. 

But Gramma, what pain were you hiding? What allowed you to eat your pain away? To become so overweight that your health and life was at stake? Was it holding in your emotions out of fear of how papa would react? I only ask, because I have done the same thing. Holding things in for the one I love. I finally had to let it out though, for my own health, because I didn't want to end up like you, I didn't want to have your health. So I spoke. I spoke my truth. And I was hit with a sharp knife of rejection. Were you afraid of that too? I don't blame you for keeping it all in,because the pain of exposing your soul, your vulnerabilities and then being slapped in the face leaves you with a permanent scar on your heart. I wish you were here right now to help mend that scar, to tell me that I was right to speak the truth, and that I should learn from your mistakes. But right now, my beloved grandmother, I am just not sure about anything, or if anyone will accept me, for just being me. I am a talker at heart, and I crave conversation and feel like I deserve conversations to help me understand, and I am just granted that opportunity too often. Heartache at 15 feels devastating, but at almost 27, you feel panicked, confused, angry, and are filled with more questions that an teenager would even venture to answer. 

Papa, did you notice the pain Gramma was in? Did you choose to ignore it? Did you notice her weight gain as a source of emotional pain? Or being so non-confrontational, did you just let it go?Do you regret that decision now? Do you think it would have changed gramma's young death? Do you take blame? 

So many unanswered questions for both of you....but from the naked eye, what I saw was devotion. I know I may never get these questions answered, and I struggle with that, because for my own relationships I want what you had. I want the mistakes, and the questions, because in reality no relationship is perfect. I want your relationship because you were self-less in your love for each other. You gave up so much for each other. 

Gramma, your health worsened over the years, and the one thing you told me over and over again was thank god for papa. Because despite an argument the night before, or his late nights of drinking or your problems with food...you ran to each other's side when it came to the important things. You communicated. You made decisions together. You stayed. 

Surgeries, and near death situations would have torn any normal couple apart. Not wanting to deal with the realities of routine, and recovery, hospital stays, and medicine. Less money, more expenses. But even as the tough times and depression set in, you stayed. Sure, I have heard stories of sleeping in separate bedrooms, stories of stubbornness, and picking at each other's nerves. But you stayed. I don't think you were happy 100% of your life. In fact, I know you weren't. But somehow, that wasn't a deal breaker. Your family, your core values, your kids, each other, remained the priority.

Vacations were spent up north and at mackinaw, not flying around the world. Money was tight. But that was ok. It was not expected, not what you planned for your life, but it was ok. It remained ok for 60+ years. I honor your values, and the fact that you did not throw money at your problems...you threw love at your problems.

Gramma, I can only imagine how much independence you felt you lost when you could not longer drive, then could not longer walk without a walker, then could no longer sit in the car for long, then could no longer visit your family or attend graduation parties or graduations from college. I sit here and tear up for how much you missed. I know only 1/10 of the pain you felt from missing out. I get angry sometimes at you for not taking action and doing something about your health, angry at papa too for not saying something, but then I must stop and remind myself that you still stayed with each other. These were mistakes you made, that you both made, but you never left each other's side. 

Soon, going to the bathroom on your own got difficult, you couldn't attend holidays or even go to breakfast with papa. Papa...what did that do to you? Do to your soul? your aspirations? Your wants? Again, what made you stay?

You were SO committed to each other, that even though Papa could attend the graduation events, parties, and breakfasts, he wouldn't go because he did not want to live gramma at home. My heartbreaks that you had to make that compromise, but it breaks again when I realize why you did it. Self-less love. Devotion. Loyalty. Commitment.

After traveling in the Army, you put your love of travel aside to commit to marrying Gramma. You raised, played with, supported, and cared for beautiful girls even though you had never held a baby in your life. You both went through the tragedies and the celebrations of life. Family was #1. Always. You both live for your children and grandchildren. I know times have changed, and people are busy with schedules, and phones, computers, careers, but I value your sense of family, and am humbled by your commitment. And no matter how many years in the future that I live, I will continue to seek out that kind of relationship for myself. I often wonder why I have lost relationships, the ones I thought were "the one" but maybe it is because I have not found the modern day version of your relationship. Maybe that is what I have been waiting for all along. 

With Papa down here, and Gramma up there, I hope the two of you can still work your self-less magic, and help steer me on the right path, the right direction, give me the hope, place the person in my life that I can spent the next 60+ years with. Give me a sign that he is "the one." Believe me, when that person comes, I will honor it, respect it, be myself it in, not take it for granted, be loyal do it, laugh with it, stay with it, and everyday, think of the both of you, and remember the truly important things in life.

I love you both very much, 

Amanda

Behind these Hazel Eyes

Kelly Clarkston: I've always enjoyed her music. I've enjoyed her in general. Her self-confidence, her ability to use real life experience in her lyrics, her ability to make herself vulnerable. I had a yoz date with an old friend today and this song came on the radio. The song lyrics split my heart in half, as I realized its meaning. Never thought about it before. And in between the delish yoz, great conversation, and laughs, I was brought back to my reality of confusion and heartbreak.

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on


Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes


I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

A Visitor

I cannot take credit for this, unfortunately. But I found it, and I just loved the message. Embracing it myself, and sharing it with my clients.

When it comes to sadness,  separate it from your identity and treat it as a visitor. Get to know him well, but get to know yourself better. Be more clever than your guest and memorize his routines so you can find balance. Make time for him and respect him- listen to what he has to say but keep your objectivity. Exercise, be good to yourself, surround yourself with those who love you through it all, and, most importantly, let go of the idea that it’s stupid to be depressed, it's not stupid, it just makes you human.

Finding Hope

I'm finding hope. More quickly than expected. Cautiously, but I feel it there.

Be still my heart, patience will reap rewards. Be in the moment.

Surrounded and supported by friends that I have known for years, I felt a sense of relief, a sense of validation, a sense that I have a net to catch me. I deserve this. 

Questions have been answered, and fears dissolved. There is more out there.

I believe finding hope in the moment, a mindfulness act. I preach this to my clients in counseling, and must start to practice in myself. By mindfulness, I do not mean sitting indian-style praying to some Buddha figure. Rather, it means not blaming yourself for your past, but rather using it to learn from, it means not worrying about your past or turning over in your head the "what-if's." It means letting go of the anxiety and pressure of the future. It means focusing on the now. The right now. This moment. And that, I can handle.

The present moment that I experienced last night was sitting with a group of people that are passionate, clever, sensitive, mature, honest, and funny. People that know who I am down to my bones. They understand me, understand life, and will travel with me as I find my new-found hope. 

I may have been waiting the longest, I may want the future more than anyone else right now, but for the first time, in a long time, I realize that I was blind to what I was missing. 

I put it all out there because I believe in being my best self. Why hide?

I only have hid before because I fear others reactions, well, if I am fearing their reactions there must be something bigger there....the hiding is telling me that something isn't right, something isn't fitting. I have not found my perfect fit.

In pondering why this is happening and why people seem to run when I make myself most vulnerable and am most honest with myself and others: I got some great advice:

It doesn't mean it is "your fault" or that you are "too much."  It means the person wasn't the best fit for you.... and that this would likely have manifested in many other ways over the coming years. 

And with that...I am filled with new found hope, clarity and ready to start a new week.....

Black Cloud

Black cloud hanging over my head

Hang heavy on my shoulders

Fill me up, and pour me out

Black rain on my feet

That's all that's left of me.

Thought to get me through the day

I will always keep an open door, because I believe in new beginnings. When something close to you is taken from your grasp, when your life is turned upside down, this is not G-d or some higher power trying to punish you, but rather clearing you life to be ready to receive something better. 

Starting Over

I live a life of patterns. I look back at some of the blog posts posted nearly 4 years ago and patterns emerge. Patterns of advice, sentiments, words of wisdom and thoughts. I look at some passages today, 4 years later, and they seem to fit the puzzle of my life presently. Almost freakishly. And suddenly I feel trapped. Take a look:


Life is sticky and complicated and filled with many perspectives and disappointments, but I am not the only one to go through this. I think what I learned this morning is that despite the toughest lessons and the most painful circumstances, I have to keep standards for how I treat myself, and how others treat me, and I have to know that I deserve to be treated well. I have to know in my heart, that I am a good person who tries to do the right thing. I am not perfect, by any means, but I try every option possible to make things right, to put myself in another person's shoes, to learn, and listen and to grow. I have to remind myself to not blame myself for every little thing, things do have a way of working out and sometimes that means keeping the door open for new possibilities, and new perspectives to enter in, whether it be days, weeks, months or years later. And until they enter, I live my life, knowing that I am proud of the person I am becoming, the things I stand for, and the compassion I have for the people in my life. 


OR


Why is it that people you are close to run away when you are hurting? Are they scared, do they not care, do they not want to deal with it, do they not know what to do, do they think avoiding it will make it go away? Why aren't people ever willing to listen anymore, to see things from your side, to understand that pain and stupidity do not go hand in hand. Pain does not make you stupid or cloud your judgment, it makes you vulnerable and in desperate need for loyalty....someone who will have your back, some one who will fight for you, someone who will say you are worth it and I am going to do whatever it takes to prove that to you. Some people need reassurance that they are not alone, that they are needed---this is not a bad thing, its a personality thing. Why do people run away when you are just asking for a little loyalty during a painful time in life?

OR

I think it comes with maturity, and experience, to be honest. Because I have been “burned” in the past so to speak with this kind of situation, it has changed my relationships drastically with other people. My experiences have shown me that some people will tell you only what you want to hear, only to turn around and do the completely opposite for no good reason, or explanation. Some people just do not care, or they are so far deep into the situation they don’t know what else to do, some people just don’t know what they want and I think they take it out on the people they love the most, only to find out that when they do figure their lives out, those people are long gone. I don’t think anyone ever sets out to cause harm on a trusted friend, boyfriend, girlfriend etc. I would hope that would not be the goal in these types of situations. I think that circumstances fall on top of each other, and people make choices that are best for them, without thinking of the other involved. Unfortunately, no matter how much you analyze the situation and think about the what if’s. you cannot change people, nor can you change your past. The choices people make often cause a type of pain that is indescribable, and causes you to lose a piece of yourself that you will never get back. 



I often wonder what is it that makes life meaningful? Is it our experiences? Our jobs? The impact we make? Maybe it is our relationships? Our adventures? Our failures? Our mistakes? Maybe our successes? Or our courage to face adversity. 

We only get one lifetime.

My lifetime consists of 26 years and 8 months. So far. And I question how am I making my life meaningful. What am I doing wrong? What am I missing? What is making life so,well, unmeaingful?

Try as I may, I cannot figure out why I am here. I have always thought there had to be some sort of higher purpose for me being here. I suppose I make a difference as a teacher, I suppose that is part of my purpose, the kids seem to like me, admire me even, they say I have changed their lives....but that is just work. It is just part of my life. Not my whole life. 

I have craved connection since I have been very little. Human connection. Through various stages, poor self-esteem, body image issues, shyness, lack of assertiveness, low confidence, and hiding behind a sense of humor I have managed to make some connections, some I thought were very deep and very real, but have only been let down. In fact, the most important connections in my life, have left me. Abandoned me. Left me to get picked up by the garbage men. Like I am waste. Not a person, but just plain waste. 


I have a big heart. I have huge heart in fact. Craving connection. Craving the love, loyalty, sensitivity, and humor that helps to make life meaningful. But it is an empty craving. Because with all the love, loyalty, sensitivity, and humor that I have in my heart, it is never reciprocated. All I give out, the 150% that I give out, do my best, is shunned, turned on me, smacked in my face. I have failed again. 


So if our failures make life meaningful I guess my life does have meaning. I have failed many times. Many people have failed me. I hate failing. I have failed at teaching, I cannot keep up with the demands, politics, grading, planning, and 200+ kids on my plate. I have failed in my personal relationships. Seems that  no one can accept my emotions, feelings, experiences. I have failed to keep people in my life. My faults have got the best of me. Despite my best efforts. 


I value being a good person. A loyal person. A passionate person. A person that makes mistakes, of course, but one that values personal growth and learning from those mistakes. I look around and see all the happy relationships, and friendships, with people that don't posses my qualities....so I question the value of being a good person. Is it worth it? Does being a good person make life meaningful? So far, it has not. 


My heart breaks in a million pieces as I look over this blog of mine that I started back in 2008, and realize just how hurt I have allowed myself to get. Walls build up, I slowly let them down, and I am socked in the heart, only to have to rebuild those walls stronger. How many times can one get knocked down, before one cannot rebuild themselves anymore? 


I am told it is not my fault. That I didn't cause this. I didn't deserve this, I just have to get through this. But again, how many times do I have to "go through this." How many times do I have to write and find perspective, look at the bright side, and find some sort of meaning of a horrible situation. How many times do I have to listen to songs, and poems and find inspiration to help me through the tough times. 

When will it be my time to say, ah, yes, this is what makes life meaningful....
When will it be my time to be happy with the relationships in my life....
When will it be my time to give my whole self, and get it back in return....
When will it be my time to be accepted for all my flaws....
When will it be my time for a happily ever after....
When will it be my time for a family....
When will it be my time to create meaningful memories that wont be lost in the dust, put to waste, and thrown away....
When will it be my time to feel safe.... 
When will it be my time to stop starting over and creating a forever.....


Do I have the strength to start over to find a new meaning in a new life?
Time will tell.