Or maybe it's just to teach me to enjoy looking at a nice adam's apple.....

After a short week at school, and a pretty good week overall, I am going out tonight, on a date. And for the first time, I am not nervous, not shy, not feeling like I have to starve myself for days to look ok, and it is ok if my hair isn't perfect either. Maybe it is a sign that I am beginning to be comfortable enough with myself, where either you like me or you don't, and I refuse to be something I am not, in order for you to like me. I have really changed in the last 6 months, and I have been surrounded by a lot of different people lately, that have shown me that I cannot live my life always expecting that people are going to let me down. Nor can I go around in a world of past feelings about myself, I am not in that part of my life anymore, and I have a become a better person....and the reactions from the people in my life show me that I am on the right path, and that really great things can happen once you accept that you have to grow, learn, hurt a little, in order to realize what is really important, and to cultivate new relationships filled with people that truly make you look at life and yourself in a different way. No, I am not the size 6 model, with the perfect body, perfect hair, and no I don't like to live out at the bars every weekend like many people my age, I make tons of mistakes, ....but I still have a lot to offer.....a lot of life experience, a lot of compassion, good morals, passion, and enough sarcasm to entertain a crowd for the night.

I have a problem though. The problem is I don't think my true personality ever comes across on dates, I get too nervous and because I am a constant worrier I always think about the next date, and what to do next and where to go next, I crave the time when things will just be comfortable with one another. I don't mind getting to know new people, I like learning from people different from myself, but at this point, I want to know someone really well, if only there was a way to skip the awkwardness of the first few dates. I want to get to know you, and you to get to know me, and then make fun of each other for our equally insane quirks.

I want to be able to make fun of each other but at the same time, know that nothing I confess, could make him love me less, and vise versa. I want to know that even in my darkest hour
he'll never desert me, that he'll stand by me, and I will stand by him. I am romantic like that (song lyrics and all), I also value loyalty very much, because I have been so burned by a lack of it in the past.

I really think the best way to go about finding Mr. Date, is being friends first. But if that opportunity doesn't come knocking, there is always time for some liquid courage, and going for digits of Mr. Date at a bar. I just wish it all could happen naturally, and maybe when Mr. Right Date comes along, it will be natural, and just all fall into place. Or maybe I should just stop analyzing, I laugh now, at how much I look into things. I make situations a lot more complicated and take them way too much to heart sometimes. But, in the end it just makes me passionate for what I believe in.

People say that people come into your life for a reason, to teach you something.....so whether Mr. Date tonight is here to teach me about the wonderfulness of a free meal, good communication, friendship, the ability to cut a meal short, politely, when things go bad, to realize the spark and understanding that I have been waiting for, to realize they are not all the same, to teach me forgiveness, or to teach me to see life in a new way, or maybe just to teach me to enjoy looking at a nice adam's apple...on this snowy night in February, this night gives me a little bit of sunshine to look forward to (and a break from doing 155 progress reports:)

The Man by the Window

THE MAN BY THE WINDOW

A Story to Make Us Think

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end.

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. And every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods when his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene. One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band, he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Then, unexpectedly, a sinister thought entered his mind. Why should the other man alone experience all the pleasures of seeing everything while he himself never got to see anything?

It didn't seem fair.

At first thought the man felt ashamed. But as the days passed and he missed seeing more sights, his envy eroded into resentment and soon turned him sour. He began to brood and he found himself unable to sleep. He should be by that window--that thought, and only that thought, now controlled his life.

Late one night as he lay staring at the ceiling, the man by the window began to cough.

He was choking on the fluid in his lungs. The other man watched in the dimly lit room as the struggling man by the window groped for the button to call for help. Listening from across the room he never moved, never pushed his own button which would have brought the nurse running in.

In less than five minutes, the coughing and choking stopped, and along with that, the sound of breathing. Now there was only silence--deathly silence.

The following morning the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths.

When she found the lifeless body of the man by the window, she was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take it away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window.

The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the world outside. Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it all himself. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.

...........

I have realized that one of the things I like most about myself, is the ability to make other people happy, to brighten their day, to give them hope, put myself in their shoes, even if I don't full understand their situation, even if my life is taking a different path, thinking about others first....human compassion, it often goes unnoticed until you don't have it in your life anymore.

You can interpret the story in any way you like. But one moral stands out:

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Think about one way you can bring someone happiness.

I want to marry your pens

Quote of the day:

"Señorita, I love how you never check with red pen. I am going to like marry your checking pens. They are so pretty and glittery. They even make my D feel like an A.¨

:)

My grandma is in the hospital, it has been a fast year, but still there is time, Be Thankful

I had a good week at school this week, really good. I am planning a field trip to see a Spanish flamenco dance and trip to Mexican town, how cool is that? I cannot believe that it is already the middle of February, where is this year going? I am going this weekend to talk to the new student teachers who are about 3 months away from graduating. Wasn't I just graduating? This was the fastest most challenging year of my life! Now I am going to back to impart advice to all these interns...everything I wish the college of ed would have told me, but in their ignorance, didn't. I am full of sarcasm with the whole process, but I really am going because I want to help these people, and give them information that I never had, so they don't have to struggle as much as I did. I am looking forward to it, it is totally my calling, helping people, I find real joy in it, like I am making a difference, even if its just giving practice interview questions to my future teaching colleagues. I am happy to help, to have their process be a little less painful and stressful than mine was. I am looking forward to spending time with many of my college friends this weekend, it is always great catching up with them. I am feeling thankful today, thankful for my job, my friends, my family. My grandma is back in the hospital, I truly believe that she will not be coming out this time. My heart just breaks, for her, for my grandpa, for the life they have chosen. They are the most wonderful people and have instilled a wonderful value of family, and to have something so preventable get the best of her, is so sad. She lives in so much pain, and is just now getting out of denial and realizing how serious this is. I feel bad for my mom, who is now parenting her parents and the stress it is causing her. I see how much my grandmas bad health is in my mom, and how much bad health is in me. It is so much of my body issues, where they stem from, why I care so much about my weight, because I know the health scares in can cause, both carrying too much weight, and carrying too little weight. I am praying for her, to whatever higher power there may be, I really hope that my grandma and grandpa are around to see my wedding and their great grandchildren, I hope their choices does not prevent them from being there. But in the meantime, there is a lot to be thankful for......



Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations, because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary, because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.

A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

Weekend Thoughts

A few new realizations:
1. Beyonce music makes me run significantly faster.
2. I have committed to running in my first 5k! May 31, 2009....with the support of some good friends, teachers at school, and a renewed confidence in myself, I am very excited for the training in the next few months.
3. I have realized in a strange way that my life would not be complete without 155 middle schoolers, they put me through every emotion possible, but I love the age, the stage, and I love teaching Spanish.
4. While I love my job, I also have realized that I probably will only be at this teaching gig for the next 10-15 years, as it is the most intense work I have ever done, and much harder than I imagined. And as much as I enjoy it, I know that when I am married and have kids I want to be committed to my family, and teaching, the way that I teach, giving 110%, won't be possible. Which brings me to number 5...
5. I have been accepted into Eastern's counseling program. Well stage one, I have to go on an interview in a few weeks as more of a formality, but I will start May 3rd with classes. I am extremely excited to go back to school, and learn about an entirely different career. I have realized that I love learning, and getting my Masters in something outside of what I have spent all of my undergrad learning about is really quite refreshing. I will be doing internships in youth clinics during the summer, dealing with everything from parent child relationships, eating disorders, pyschological disorders, anxiety disorders, stress management, even marital counseling.......it is something that I never thought I would have been interested in, but after going through everything I went through in college, I cannot wait to see what I have to offer in this field, after all my past experiences.
6. I am starting to go apartment hunting, and I could not be more excited, although depending on grad school, up coming surgery, and day to day living expenses, I might be in more debt that I care to admit.
7. I need goals, and I have a lot of them coming up in the next few months, I work better under pressure.
8. I am learning about Kabbalah, a branch of Judaism, but since I have mixed feelings about organized religion, it really takes a look at spirituality and how Judaism effects your day to day life, how you can use its messages in modern day, it is really interesting, and it pretty much gives a reason for everything happening, I like that. It my most recent quest into it, I found their feelings on forgiveness, it is interesting to look at things this way....

"When we forgive, we can look at the person who hurt us from a whole new angle. Maybe this person is here to show us we are not open as we thought, maybe they are here to push us to go to a new level, maybe they are removing judgment from our life.

Whatever the reason, forgiveness brings empathy, it brings understanding, and it brings us out of the inner-dialogue of blame and regret.

Today, put the scales of justice away and say "shush!" to the vengeful voice in your mind. Just forgive. Because from a kabbalistic point of view, you can never know how the Light feels unless you know forgiveness."

-----now what to do with this information...hmmm...we will see

9. I am excited to talk to all the MSU interns at the end of the week, impart my advice and sarcasm on them, it is like my dream.

10. It's really funny how life works out sometimes, how you try to change the course, but you cannot...because the course is already there laid out for you, you just don't know it, or want to accept it, but you realize that change is not easy, and you cannot force people to change. Change has to come within, but be patient, change will come, from yourself, from others, pain doesn't last forever, in fact, I suggest you feel the pain, it opens your mind and heart into something that is built into something indestructible and protected, for the next time around.

11. It's ok to change your mind, make mistakes, and see things from another perspective...no matter how much time has passed. Say sorry when you realize how things ought to have been, you'd be surprised on how much better in makes you and others feel. Selflessness, humbleness, loyalty....are never looked upon badly.

12. It is ok to be confused about what to do, don't make anyone make you feel badly about crying...Cry every day, every other day, every hour, until it feels better, sometimes it is the only thing that helps....and if people think you are overlyemotional, making a big deal out of nothing, screw 'em.

13. I am completely thankful for my friends, the ones that have been there all along, the ones that months go by and when we see each other it is as if no time has passed at all, the ones that have been friends for a year or for 10 years, the ones that call just to say hi, the ones that say thank you, and I appreciate you, the ones I worry about, the ones I love to see be successful, the ones I want to see happy, and I know the feeling is mutual. Friendships. I need them, I appreciate them, I value them, I work at them, I am loyal to them, and never take them for granted. I am thankful for them.

14. I am good at a lot of things....and now this is not boasting myself up, and no I don't love talking about it, but it is important to recognize in order to grow. I give really good advice, I am sarcastic as all hell, I have a great interest in others peoples lives and their success, even if they are not in my life anymore, I am extrememly loyal to people and very proud of that, I give my all to the people in my life, I love with all my heart, care with everything I am, sympathize for others pain, and as emotional as I can be, I know it makes me a good person with a good heart, I love laughing, movies, and pajamas.......I realized that people have changed me, and that this is a good thing, while I am scared of change, all the change I have been through has been a good thing for the most part, I now, am loving all the new people that have come into my life and have changed me, its a cool feeling knowing you are transforming into the person you know you were meant to be.....

Better today

Better today.
It's amazing the difference a day makes.
It's the connection with other people, that listen, that somehow I need, people that understand, that get it.
I think we all need that.
I have some really big decisions to make, but it will be ok in the end, I just have to go with my gut I think. Decide what is the right decision. Give it some more time.
Feel happy:) content:) minorly stressed, but when am I not stressed?


more later, just wanted to express that I am still continuing my journey of HAPPINESS, and trying to remember than I am worth more that just how I feel on a bad day. and looking forward to Tuesday night TV, claro:)

Quarter Life Crisis

Chapter 4.
excerpt.

Rough day today.
Confused.
Feel like I took three steps back.
Missing out.
Looking forward.
Is there more?
When?
Control, or lack there of.
My heart is saying go for it, but my head says no.
Over analyzing, yes....
but so much more
What do I have to lose?
Why do I care so much?
Love, loss, health, SCREAM
Emotions strong, confusion stronger
Why does it always happen to me?
Happier.......one day
One day, one day at a time
It's time to appreciate the journey
It will all make sense with time.

The Quarter-Life Crisis
pg. 144
by unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.