I had a really rough weekend. I will just put it out there. Distressed, depressed, frustrated, lonely, wondering why, overwhelmed, helpless, worthless, can't do anything right, where am I supposed to be?
And I melted down, and per usual went into shut down mode.
So why write about something like this, when I have felt it quite often in the past?
Well, because this time, no one ran the other way. Ya know, when you are so down on yourself, and all people close to you run, it feels like the world is closing in on you, it feels suffocating, it feels like being a good person means nothing, it feels like you don't even exist. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am overly emotional, and fully admit and accept this, but it doesn't stop the hurt. I realized the importance of support this weekend. Of genuine support from genuine friends. I have realized the importance of genuine people in my life over the past two years, and especially over the past year, but once again, I was reminded this weekend that I am not alone in this.
I can write pages upon pages about what I am feeling. I can slap on sarcasm and laugh in an instant, but to talk about what I am feeling is really hard for me....mostly out of fear that people will run the other way as they have in the past. But I have found that as bits and pieces of me are glued back to together, as I continue to grow and learn, I continue to try and talk, vent, cry, laugh, ask for advice, ask for help. It is not easy, and talking does not always change things, but as with this weekend, talking allowed me to gain a fresh perspective on my thinking of my situation. It allowed me to sit with friends who came to visit unannounced and just listened. Sometimes I panic, I won't answer phones, I won't talk, I need to know that support is there though, or I feel like the earth is cracking beneath me, and I feel lucky that I have friends in my life that understand this, and SHOW me their support daily. Countless amounts of advice, they feeling that they have been there, or let's make a specific plan for what we can do. They understand how gold and type A I am. It has been a long time since I have felt not judged for all of my idiosyncrasies, they make me who I am, and for a long time I felt guilty for them. I don't know if I am going to make it through this year, but I do know that I will make it through today, and then wake up and make it through tomorrow, and that is what I hold on to. I try to be a really good friend, a really good person, and I hope that I am as good of a friend to them as my friends are to me. I would be lost without them.
Today was an up day. Today I had a good teacher day. Today I felt worth something. Today I felt like I was making a difference. Today I felt there was light at the end of the tunnel. Today I realized the fragility of life. I don't love the ups and downs, but when I am down, I hope to have the strength to go to my friends, and while I am up, I am going to celebrate it.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Just another homecoming.....
I went to my old 8th graders, now 9th graders homecoming tonight, and I felt like I was famous.
Hugs, and stories, and repeating everything I taught them.
Boosts of confidence for them, stories of WHY I am a great teacher.
Taking time, patience, sense of humor, cheat sheets on my wall, asking about their day, going to their games, making Spanish fun.
Mass texts sent through the crowd to let everyone know I had arrived.
Laughter, and sillyness, and genuine respect.
Singing Spanish songs, and remembering every memory from last school year.
Every inside joke, hating Taylor Swift, every lesson, everything.
I am a great teacher, and know the impact I leave. I love what I do, and will again love what I do, because of these kids.
I miss them all the time, but believe in everything happening for a reason.
I also have amazing friends. Not just AMAZING, that is an overused word.
I have loyal, wonderful, genuine, thoughtful, caring, appreciative, funny as hell, sympathetic, empathetic, strong, smart, phenomenal friends. And not just ONE. Many. Several. A strong GROUP that I can count on through everything and anything. Advice, listening ear, every single up and down. Every success and tear. Never one judgment. A feeling that I will never be alone. I waited for this day to come, and I realize why I had to wait so long to get it. I am so much more grateful, so much more thankful, I know what I deserve and feel really lucky.
Hugs, and stories, and repeating everything I taught them.
Boosts of confidence for them, stories of WHY I am a great teacher.
Taking time, patience, sense of humor, cheat sheets on my wall, asking about their day, going to their games, making Spanish fun.
Mass texts sent through the crowd to let everyone know I had arrived.
Laughter, and sillyness, and genuine respect.
Singing Spanish songs, and remembering every memory from last school year.
Every inside joke, hating Taylor Swift, every lesson, everything.
I am a great teacher, and know the impact I leave. I love what I do, and will again love what I do, because of these kids.
I miss them all the time, but believe in everything happening for a reason.
I also have amazing friends. Not just AMAZING, that is an overused word.
I have loyal, wonderful, genuine, thoughtful, caring, appreciative, funny as hell, sympathetic, empathetic, strong, smart, phenomenal friends. And not just ONE. Many. Several. A strong GROUP that I can count on through everything and anything. Advice, listening ear, every single up and down. Every success and tear. Never one judgment. A feeling that I will never be alone. I waited for this day to come, and I realize why I had to wait so long to get it. I am so much more grateful, so much more thankful, I know what I deserve and feel really lucky.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Life at 23...almost 24
The big 24th birthday is coming up. And for the first year, I don't think I am going to go all out.
Low key, with good friends.
A few things I learned this year:
1. I love teaching middle schoolers
2. Time, with patience, really does heal very deep wounds
3. I am thankful that me and my brother are so close
4. I am lucky to have been raised by a really wonderful family, many of my students did not get teh same opportunity
5. I am, and always will be, completely exhausted at the end of a long day of teaching. It means I've done my job well.
6. I am thankful for my grandparents, and while they are all sick, I am thankful to have them in my life.
7. MTV cribs, Spanish edition, is one of the greatest projects ever to do with students
8. I have a gift for connecting with kids, and I love making an impact on them
9. Old teachers who have become mentors, and friends, is really something I cherish
10. There is someone for everyone
11. I became a runner...ran in my first race, and realized the benefit of running as more than just a weight management activity
12. I am proud of wearing my heart on my sleeve and always trying to do what is best for others
13. I try to stick up for what I believe in and not feel guilty about it
14. This time in my life is not easy, it's not always fun, there are always ups and downs, and that is ok.
15. Having my surgery was the best thing I have ever done for myself
16. I can make people laugh until their stomachs hurt, and I love that about myself
17. Being a good person, attracts other good people
18. Not everyone is who you think they are, sometimes this hurts, and sometimes its the best gift
19. People come into your life when you least expect it, and become some of the most important people in your life practically overnight.
20. Find people you can be yourself with----cry in front of them, celebrate, laugh, cry again, don't be afraid to ask for help, advice, explain what you are truly feeling. Funny thing is---they won't walk away. It opens friendships and relationships to become something really special. You learn a lot about yourself, and realize you like yourself more, when you are around these people. I am blessed to have the people I have in my life. I don't know where I would be without them. They have taught me the meaning of friendship, independence, strength, humor, and compassion. They have shown me loyalty and embraced all of my good and bad days. They check in just to make sure I am ok, just to see how my day is, and it's a two way street. I have learned so much about friendships and relationships and how I should be treated. They have brought out the best in me and taught me some very important lessons. I am very, very lucky that the events in my life have brought me to them...someone, somewhere, was watching out for me.
21. It's ok to take mental health days
22. I will always be high stress and anxiety, but there are better ways to deal with it, that I will continue to try to implement
23. A listening ear, a joke, 100% loyalty,and that feeling that you are not alone, are some of the world's greatest gifts.
24. I love, LOVE. I am in love with the idea of it, and a hopeless romantic, I will always be
25. I still want to be Carrie Underwood, almost everyday
26. Biggest loser, Friends, Will and Grace, ER, and Brothers and Sisters have all, in different ways, made my life wonderful and an escape from reality
27. People change
28. Don't let the past screw up your present
29. Fridays tall sugar free vanilla soy lattes get me through my week, every week
30. To another year of learning, stressing, hoping, being honest, being grateful, being challenged, loving, living, making a difference, leading a good life, as a good person, with difficulties, no doubt, but with good things to come.
Low key, with good friends.
A few things I learned this year:
1. I love teaching middle schoolers
2. Time, with patience, really does heal very deep wounds
3. I am thankful that me and my brother are so close
4. I am lucky to have been raised by a really wonderful family, many of my students did not get teh same opportunity
5. I am, and always will be, completely exhausted at the end of a long day of teaching. It means I've done my job well.
6. I am thankful for my grandparents, and while they are all sick, I am thankful to have them in my life.
7. MTV cribs, Spanish edition, is one of the greatest projects ever to do with students
8. I have a gift for connecting with kids, and I love making an impact on them
9. Old teachers who have become mentors, and friends, is really something I cherish
10. There is someone for everyone
11. I became a runner...ran in my first race, and realized the benefit of running as more than just a weight management activity
12. I am proud of wearing my heart on my sleeve and always trying to do what is best for others
13. I try to stick up for what I believe in and not feel guilty about it
14. This time in my life is not easy, it's not always fun, there are always ups and downs, and that is ok.
15. Having my surgery was the best thing I have ever done for myself
16. I can make people laugh until their stomachs hurt, and I love that about myself
17. Being a good person, attracts other good people
18. Not everyone is who you think they are, sometimes this hurts, and sometimes its the best gift
19. People come into your life when you least expect it, and become some of the most important people in your life practically overnight.
20. Find people you can be yourself with----cry in front of them, celebrate, laugh, cry again, don't be afraid to ask for help, advice, explain what you are truly feeling. Funny thing is---they won't walk away. It opens friendships and relationships to become something really special. You learn a lot about yourself, and realize you like yourself more, when you are around these people. I am blessed to have the people I have in my life. I don't know where I would be without them. They have taught me the meaning of friendship, independence, strength, humor, and compassion. They have shown me loyalty and embraced all of my good and bad days. They check in just to make sure I am ok, just to see how my day is, and it's a two way street. I have learned so much about friendships and relationships and how I should be treated. They have brought out the best in me and taught me some very important lessons. I am very, very lucky that the events in my life have brought me to them...someone, somewhere, was watching out for me.
21. It's ok to take mental health days
22. I will always be high stress and anxiety, but there are better ways to deal with it, that I will continue to try to implement
23. A listening ear, a joke, 100% loyalty,and that feeling that you are not alone, are some of the world's greatest gifts.
24. I love, LOVE. I am in love with the idea of it, and a hopeless romantic, I will always be
25. I still want to be Carrie Underwood, almost everyday
26. Biggest loser, Friends, Will and Grace, ER, and Brothers and Sisters have all, in different ways, made my life wonderful and an escape from reality
27. People change
28. Don't let the past screw up your present
29. Fridays tall sugar free vanilla soy lattes get me through my week, every week
30. To another year of learning, stressing, hoping, being honest, being grateful, being challenged, loving, living, making a difference, leading a good life, as a good person, with difficulties, no doubt, but with good things to come.
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