Oh Winter

As winter approaches, my LEAST favorite time of the year, the anniversary of the death of my grandma, who I miss everyday, my grandma's birthday, my new cousin's 1st birthday that my grandma never got to meet.....I have to take a back seat and just breath.

You learn that you are not at fault or responsible for other's choices, and in six months, one year, or five years, you realize that these choices are all a part of a much bigger picture. What seems devastating at a particular moment ends up turning into the one of the greatest learning experiences of your life; you are suddenly filled with this sense of empowerment that you were right all along, and should never doubt yourself for what you are most passionate about. It is all about self-discovery, while remembering to be mindful of the feelings of those closest to you. The trust will eventually return, and you will look to your left, and then to your right, and realize you cannot fall, because all the right people are suddenly surrounding you in the most positive way, erasing the scars that once were.

I believe in the power of surrounding yourself with people who are open, honest, direct, and in tune to who they are, and how they treat the people around them. Disaster strikes when you find yourself in relationships of any kind that are one sided and narcissistic....suddenly you feel put down, worthless, trying to catch up, uncared for, rejected, engulfed...not healthy. Maybe it is my past experience, maybe it is my degree in Counseling, but talking about what has worked and not worked in the past, and learning from it, embracing it, grieving it, and growing is one of the best gifts you can give yourself.

If there is one thing I learned this year, it is to sit with what I am feeling. Take accountability for what I am feeling, and realize I am not responsible for how others deal with their feelings. In times of stress and grief, many people project their anger, sadness, depression onto you...not intentionally, but it happens. Sometimes suddenly, sometimes for years, and if not addressed, your sense of self is completely non-existent.

Then you learn how to deal with the projected feelings, and repel them off of you, and as soon as you learn to cope, slowly your sense of self begins to heal and grow.

At 25 years old, I am finally gaining the awareness I need to develop my sense of self, to help match my outer confidence to my inner confidence, realizing that it took 25 years of a lot of unknown and will likely take some time to build up this sense of self I had been missing.

Surrounding myself with healthy relationships, taking ownership of my feelings, being in the moment, taking risks, setting healthy boundaries, accepting others limitations, being assertive, allowing myself to ask for help, trying not to hold back....it is not easy, but I believe in the end it will be worth it.

As I slowly allow others in, slowly allow myself to trust, take a leap of faith, stand my ground, I can feel my entire sense of self changing...who I am, and what I want in the future. I allow myself to be happy. I allow myself to share myself with others. I allow myself to be with someone who brings out the best of me, and allows me to let go of my need for control just a bit.

And as Winter approaches, and the firs snow flurries begin to fall, I will bundle up, feel the cold, feel the happiness, and jump in...afterall, what is life about if you can't jump in and enjoy the ride....laugh, learn, challenge me...keep it real, and smile:)

Fall is in the air

I love fall days, and flips flops.
What a year it has been.
Deaths, and births, lost a job, gained another.
I am in love with my job, the students, the environment, I have fallen in love with teaching again.
I am making two goals this Fall...decided against the New Year's resolution, and making a Fall Resolution:

1. Learn how to cook.
2. Run a 10k.

I continue to be surrounded by the best friends a girl could ask for; passionate, loyal, funny, in-your face girlfriends who remind me and push me everyday to take care of myself, and are never more than a phone call away through all the ups and downs. At 25 years old, it has taken quite a few years, but my friendships today reflect the person I have become, and the person I am becoming. No matter how much I resist, I have found unconditional support. That is hard to find.

Sometimes, in the midst of life and changes you take a risk, and come across new people that surprise you... that makes you look at life a little differently, that makes life a little more exciting. A risk sure, but a good risk, nothing great every comes easy. Put yourself out there, enjoy the moment, enjoy this beautiful fall day.

And......remember it's all about being honest, vulnerable, and in the moment. It's ok to have good days and bad days. And it is ok to be emotional and have a shoulder to cry on. But it is equally important to ask for that help, ask for that shoulder, and then stand back up...because remember...

"One day your life will flash before your eyes. You want to make sure its worth watching."