Pema Chodron

I am probably the least religious person you will ever meet. Rooted in tradition, sure. Rooted in values such as putting others first, always doing the right thing, being compassionate and passionate, working hard, and being loyal. Morals-I have them. God-well I believe in some kind of higher power, and with the passing of my grandmother I have made myself believe in a better place, so I know she is happy and out of pain.

I'm at a really changing point in my life...I've learned enough that I know what I want and don't want, I know who I am, and who I am not, but I feel like I lack the opportunity to really express it. There is a lot of chaos going on around me, and I suppose around everyone, but sometimes you feel it more than others. Stress, judgment, what if's, resentment, loss of control, embarrassment, regret, frustration, all emotions that we tend to run away from. We run, and they build up, and we all have to choose how to deal with them. Some people blame others, some people turn selfish, some drink, some avoid it at all costs, some have panic attacks, some just finally break. But, why do we run?

In the last 6 months, I have lost my job, gained a new job, left home, found a new home, had sick grandparents, lost grandparents, taught new school subjects, worked full time, worked part time, lost old friends, found new friends, loved my job, hated my job, and recently took on 8 credits of grad school work. So the question is....when things all around you fall apart, what do you do?

Admittedly, I don't have the best coping skills. My intentions are always strong, and well intentioned, but I get overwhelmed, and tend to beat myself up over the coulda shoulda woulda of the situation. A self-proclaimed perfectionist where failure and a lot of emotion is really not an option, I find myself struggling. And then I found Pema Chodron.

Ok, so I don't know if I am totally sold on this chick, but she is a Buddhist Nun who is pretty anti-organized religion herself, and emphasizes more spirituality, living in the present moment, and teaches dharma ---- giving answers for the tough stuff, and things to do when life falls apart.
It's interesting, it is a totally different way of thinking, but she steers away from preaching, and forcing any time of religious aspects onto you. I am reading her book When Things Fall Apart, and as I am reading I have to stop to write down some parts of the book, they really are quite enlightening. I am a words, quotes and English dork, so I guess I am naturally drawn to this stuff but as I try to grieve the loss of my gramma, establish my independence, find the opportunities to express who I am and what I want, what I have learned and learn to put myself first, I find her comforting.

One of her primary ideas is to practice compassion with yourself. It is something I really struggle with, because I am so hard on myself, and tend to place all the blame on myself. So I am currently trying to give myself a break, and not beat myself so much when I realize I just cannot handle it all, all the time.

Other quotes and ideas that I am really inspired by are:

"The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently."
*Reinforcing the importance of being compassionate towards yourself as you look at yourself honestly, and face what you need to, no matter how painful.

"A further sign of health is that we don't become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it's time to stop struggling and look directly at what's threatening us."
*Don't avoid the painful stuff, don't run from it, it will eat you up inside. It is hard, it is challenging, it will make you question every aspect of yourself, every belief you have ever had, but sometimes facing the hard stuff allows for the most progress.

"Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected. But if that's all that's happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction. On the other hand, wretchedness--life's painful aspect--softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody's eyes because you feel you haven't got anything to lose--you're just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We'd be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn't have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together."
*I love this because it really hones in on taking the good with the bad, and understanding why there needs to be a balance between the two.

"Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape -- all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain."
*Very true.

"So even if the hot loneliness is there, and for 1.6 seconds we sit with that restlessness when yesterday we couldn't sit for even one, that's the journey of the warrior."
*It's the small steps, I like that this emphasizes the small steps, the small progress

"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."
*I always look for a solution, a instant problem solver, sometimes the solution is not instant, it takes time, and time allow for room and space to process and to grow. I'm learning to trust the process, it's hell, but I am trying.

"…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are."
*I like thinking that everything happens for a reason, and everything comes into our life to teach us something, no matter how hard the lesson may be.

"If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher."
*Nothing could be more true.

"The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves."
.........

And in the end, as I have said over the past year or so, I am a work in progress. I think this is good, it's helping me grow. I want, need and crave instant gratification, but life doesn't work like that. I think an important lesson is taking it one day a time, and letting time do it's magic. We don't realize it in the moment, but time really does do amazing things---it heals, allows space to process loss and grief, it brings new people, new experiences, and erases painful ones. It disintegrates hate and broken hearts, and brings new passions, and new wisdom.

So to time, to my closest friends, to Pema Chodron, and to living one day at time....until next time.

Good friends, music, one day at a time

The next few months my life will not be my own, there has been so much going on. I'm writing and journaling and recording, and I sit here at 5AM not able to turn my mind off. Life just isn't fair sometimes, and it piles up with things out of our control. You try desperately to grab onto something you have some sort of control over, and still end up hurting in the end. I know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, there has to be, but right now, it is hard to take the first step. Grief is so hard. Knowing how to cope in the right way is so hard. Not knowing what comes next, if you will make it through that tunnel, is even harder. A good friend of mine told me to escape to the world of music. It allows you to express yourself and relate to something universal. And so I will try to put myself in a less destructive place, try to to put my head in a different place. That is what I am trying to hold onto: good friends, music, a day at a time. I will get through this. And while I try to hide and avoid it all, I have been blessed with this incredible support system that has held me up, and continues to hold me up, every time I feel defeated.




And there's holes in the floor of heaven, and her tears are falling down
That's how you know shes watching
Wish she could be here now
Sometimes when Im lonely
I remember she can see
Yes there's holes in the floor of heaven
And shes watching over you and me
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Although the sun will never shine the same,
I'll always look to a brighter day
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And I know your shining down on me from heaven,
And I know we'll be together one sweet day

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I'm sorry, I never told you, all I wanted to say...

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You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
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Sometimes I take on this world by myself,
Thinking I got all the answers, don't need anybodys help

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Oh why, thats what I asking
Was there anything i could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song
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I miss you so much
your light, your smile, your way
though you're gone, you still here
in my heart, in my tears
yeah, you sure left your mark
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And maybe someday, we'll figure all this out, try to put an end to all this doubt try to find a way to just feel better now and maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud we'll be better off somehow, someday.
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I've been high, I've been low
I've been yes, and I've been oh hell no
I've been rock and roll and disco
wont you save me San Fransicisco