I was in a on again off again 2 year college relationship. I loved him. I was shy. I didn't know how to express it. I was battling a horrendous eating disorder. I was lonely. Jealous and lost.
I was in a relationship for almost 2 years. I was treated well. I loved deeply. Until the end. When I was treated horrendously, like a child, like a piece of garbage that never meant anything. I would have gotten married if he hadn't run. I would have also ended up divorced. The depressing reality of our relationship only really appeared to me after the break up. His loss. My gain. I deserve so much more than that relationship ever could have offered. Ever.
I recovered...braver, stronger, more secure than ever. Happier. Free. I found myself in a 5 month relationship of laughter, commitment, family, and a vow never to run away from me or my past. Never to take off on an airplane across the country when something went wrong, willing to stay until in the end. I learned compassion, and healing, confidence, and true love. I learned what it was like to be with a confident, loving, mature man. But I wanted something more, I wanted the feeling.
And this weekend, already, after just a few conversations, I have the feeling. I think this may be it. A gentleman. A family man. A true friend. In front of my eyes for so long. Educated, and funny, common interests and goals, compassion, and friendship, loyalty, and humility, risk-taker and sociable. I, in turn, am confident, and excited. Happy and open. After everything I have been through, my heart opens wide, I know who I am, what I want, exactly what I deserve, and I could not be more excited for the events of this weekend!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
Paving my Own Path and Gender Socialization
For centuries women were expected to get married and have kids. But now a new phenomenon has occurred...the career woman. And while it can be equally hard and equally gratifying, somehow, it is not respected, we are made to feel guilty, for putting career before family and kids.
I look at the people in my Master's classes, counseling clients with bellies full of babies, morning sickness, and fights with their husbands. I look at myself, and I realize that at 27 years old, I will have my Master's degree and full counseling license in a short 3 months. I am proud of myself, but there is this external pressure that even through this is a huge accomplishment at a young age, I am lacking. Where is my husband, my kids, why am I not settling down? And why is everyone around me seeming to find that settling down path, and I, who wants it so badly, cannot find it.
For me, it is not about choosing career or family, it is not about the gender politics or the guilt, or what I am "supposed" to be doing at my age. Rather, it is about me wanting to find my best friend, a partner to share my life with, my thoughts with, my honest feelings. A partner who understands my past scars, embraces them, and helps me move forward. A partner who will support my budding career AND be supportive of having kids and working at the same time. I always thought I would be the one to first get married and have kids. Always. That reality did not work out for me, but as I stop to think about why, I think it might have been because I wasn't ready, wasn't sure who I was, where I was, or my goals in life in general.
I am looking for that gut feeling, that gut intuition that my partner will be loyal and confident, caring and kind, generous and funny, educated and flexible. That our chemistry will unite. I want the 100% happiness. I want the company at hockey games, and the romantic candle lit dinners. I want the realness and the commitment. I almost found that. I was so close. So very close. In fact, if I hadn't taken a huge risk and ended this path in my life, I would have found myself married. But I felt I needed something more. It wasn't about the lack of commitment or compassion or understanding or love. In fact, I learned so much. I learned that my longest relationship, the one I thought would last forever, would have been a disaster if I had gone through with a marriage. I would have ended up divorced, no doubt, for various reasons; lack of commitment, lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of common goals, drives, and family ideas. I learned all of this because of my latest relationship. He showed me what a REAL man is. A real, protective, committed, family man.
But just because in my gut, I knew this was none "the one" does not mean I am not grateful for every moment and every lesson I learned. I learned healing and compassion. I learned to trust my gut. I learned that my career can change and my partner will still support me. I learned that is ok to want a family and it is ok to talk about it openly, dream about, use pinterest to post about it, and have open, real conversations about career, family and life.
So do I feel the gender politics of our society, do I feel that biological clock ticking? Of course. I feel the pressures all around me. But if I have learned anything I have learned that I am building my own path. I have learned more about myself in the past 3 years than I have in my entire life. I am proud of my degrees and my education and standing up for what I believe in. I now believe in healing. I now understand what I want and need in a future husband. I now keep people in my heart and in my mind who have taught me countless lessons. Some will stay there forever, some will fade away once the lesson has been learned, some will be blamed and hated forever for how much they hurt me when I never deserved it. But to sit back and feel discouraged and defeated because I am not following the path of many people my age is pointless.
At 27 years old I have two degrees under my belt, have been to several different countries, can speak two languages, have an amazing, loyal group of friends, and I put others before myself. When that life long partner comes along, I am going to be so confident, so sure, so happy...and it is then, and only then, that I will begin to live the life I always wanted...but in the meantime, I am ignoring what my gender and socialized me to do, and I am paving my own path to happiness.
I look at the people in my Master's classes, counseling clients with bellies full of babies, morning sickness, and fights with their husbands. I look at myself, and I realize that at 27 years old, I will have my Master's degree and full counseling license in a short 3 months. I am proud of myself, but there is this external pressure that even through this is a huge accomplishment at a young age, I am lacking. Where is my husband, my kids, why am I not settling down? And why is everyone around me seeming to find that settling down path, and I, who wants it so badly, cannot find it.
For me, it is not about choosing career or family, it is not about the gender politics or the guilt, or what I am "supposed" to be doing at my age. Rather, it is about me wanting to find my best friend, a partner to share my life with, my thoughts with, my honest feelings. A partner who understands my past scars, embraces them, and helps me move forward. A partner who will support my budding career AND be supportive of having kids and working at the same time. I always thought I would be the one to first get married and have kids. Always. That reality did not work out for me, but as I stop to think about why, I think it might have been because I wasn't ready, wasn't sure who I was, where I was, or my goals in life in general.
I am looking for that gut feeling, that gut intuition that my partner will be loyal and confident, caring and kind, generous and funny, educated and flexible. That our chemistry will unite. I want the 100% happiness. I want the company at hockey games, and the romantic candle lit dinners. I want the realness and the commitment. I almost found that. I was so close. So very close. In fact, if I hadn't taken a huge risk and ended this path in my life, I would have found myself married. But I felt I needed something more. It wasn't about the lack of commitment or compassion or understanding or love. In fact, I learned so much. I learned that my longest relationship, the one I thought would last forever, would have been a disaster if I had gone through with a marriage. I would have ended up divorced, no doubt, for various reasons; lack of commitment, lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of common goals, drives, and family ideas. I learned all of this because of my latest relationship. He showed me what a REAL man is. A real, protective, committed, family man.
But just because in my gut, I knew this was none "the one" does not mean I am not grateful for every moment and every lesson I learned. I learned healing and compassion. I learned to trust my gut. I learned that my career can change and my partner will still support me. I learned that is ok to want a family and it is ok to talk about it openly, dream about, use pinterest to post about it, and have open, real conversations about career, family and life.
So do I feel the gender politics of our society, do I feel that biological clock ticking? Of course. I feel the pressures all around me. But if I have learned anything I have learned that I am building my own path. I have learned more about myself in the past 3 years than I have in my entire life. I am proud of my degrees and my education and standing up for what I believe in. I now believe in healing. I now understand what I want and need in a future husband. I now keep people in my heart and in my mind who have taught me countless lessons. Some will stay there forever, some will fade away once the lesson has been learned, some will be blamed and hated forever for how much they hurt me when I never deserved it. But to sit back and feel discouraged and defeated because I am not following the path of many people my age is pointless.
At 27 years old I have two degrees under my belt, have been to several different countries, can speak two languages, have an amazing, loyal group of friends, and I put others before myself. When that life long partner comes along, I am going to be so confident, so sure, so happy...and it is then, and only then, that I will begin to live the life I always wanted...but in the meantime, I am ignoring what my gender and socialized me to do, and I am paving my own path to happiness.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
The Right One
Some food for thought for my bruised heart:
“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter
or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so
much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right
one comes along.”
-Anonymous
"Take
a second out to think about this. In your life you search and search
for the right person for you. Every time you break up with someone you
get one step closer to that person. You should look at moving on as
getting closer to meeting the right one."
-Ian Philpot
“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter
or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so
much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right
one comes along.”
-Anonymous
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
