A right of passage

Well here I sit at 6:30 at night at Panera Bread, enjoying a sizzling hot cup of chicken noodle soup to warm up from these April snow showers, and some bread...i swore of carbs for about two days, but now I am reverting back to carbs....justification....carboloading for my run tomorrow.

My great aunt passed away, my gramma was in the hospital, is temporarily back home but will surely be back soon, my brother is moving home for the summer, my parents are financially stressed among other stresses such as taking care of their own parents, I was accepted to graduate school...and all of this to say I have decided to move out of my house this summer. I have this burning desire for independence, financial and social, and a faltering relationship with people at home has prompted this decision. And while I originally was going to live with a friend, I have decided that I need to be on my own....this did not go over well when I brought it up at our family dinner this weekend.

I love my family, I feel blessed to be in their family, my mom gave up her entire life for me and my brother....something I am not sure I could ever do when I have kids. I am debt free, my entire undergraduate work was paid for me, I have been emotionally and financially supported for years, I was raised with good morals, a good heart, and a respectable reputation, all because of my parents. Every school I went to, knows my family, all my teachers loved my parents and commended them on doing such a great job raising me and my brother. They did a wonderful job. I was a good kid, followed all the rules, was a perfectionist to no ones fault but my own, and now my need for indepdence, spreading my wings, having strong opionions that differ from theirs is being viewed as rebelious, ungrateful, and hurtful. Why is there so much resistance when a child wants to move out? Is it because I am the oldest, the relationship with my mom, the way the relationship has changed, because I now challenge things, the loss of control, losing their "last" duty as parents, I don't know. My preference would be to leave home on good terms, healthy terms, happy terms, but there is a major communication break down. I struggle with how much I should give in, and how much is just normal tension during a new right of passage in life. I feel stressed and awful about the situation when I should be excited for this new venture. I hope when I vent to friends and family about the situation I don't make my parents look like horrible people, they are wonderful people, I have so much of both of them in me, but how they are reacting to this situation is not something I agree with...how much do I have control over, how much should I give in when this is my life? I know life didn't always work out the way that they planned for themselves, but why shouldn't my life workout the way I want it to?

Grad school...so excited. I am excited to get a Masters degree. I am excited to learn about a new subject matter. I am excited to counsel and be counseled...I am guessing it is going to give me some pretty intersting insight on the very eventful happenings that have been going on in my life over the last two years. I think it will help me gain perspective on people that are different than me, I think it will make me appreciate my friends more, and appreciate myself more. It is going to be a LONG road, but I am looking forward to going back to school, meeting new people. Getting my Masters is my bucket list, so I feel really good that I am starting the road to accomplish the goal. I felt such satisfaction just getting in, I set a goal and stand for something, and I intend to achieve it and follow through, I don't quit. Let the ride begin.

It is scary being financially responsible all on your own. I am really bad about asking for help. I feel like asking for help makes me seem not good enough, like I can't do it on my own. It makes me feel like I am a burden on people, that I am asking too much. A lot of this is because of past experience, a lot is ingrained in my personality. I need to work on accepting help, and realizing that God puts some people in your life especially to help you during times you need it most. I need to be more open to that idea. Over the past two years I have and continue the battle of finding myself, who I am, what I stand for, saying no, saying yes, who I am on my own, who I am when I am dating someone, confidence in general. I admire the confidence of those my age and older, I admire their comfort with themselves and with their families and I wonder if I will ever feel that 100% sense of "I am ok with me. My family and friends are ok with me, and if they are not, that is too bad, I am what I am, I do the best that I can, I love the most that I can, I am as honest and loyal and helpful as I can be and I am happy."

Two colleagues and friends of mine have been wonderful to me over this school year and especially these last few months. In their thirities, they have been there, done that, and offer wonderful advice, as a well as a home when I need to escape my own. They ask me everyday is there anything I need, what can they do to help, what do I need....it's been a long time since people have come into my life and looked out for my well-being so much, were so compassionate, and funny, and put things in perspective. Sometimes I just need to vent, and they accept me, flaws and all. It is hard for me to open up, because I am afraid I will be judged, people will run away. But I guess I have to learn and friends, true friends, will embrace my issues, not run away from them. I have been told that life in my twenties, growing up, confidence, sticking up for myself with my family, having my friends and family see me for who I really am is a process...it does not happen over night. I am not patient so this is hard for me, but I am trying. I really do have a good heart with good intentions. I am fiercely loyal and always am happy to lend a listening ear. I always wonder if it is enough. I am very thankful for these two teachers and friends that have come into my life...sometimes I feel all alone in this battle...and while I strive every day to be positive and not be negative....I have struggled in a big way with feeling alone before and I am trying to accept the help from people that are around me that can say "we have been there. we are here for you. tell us what you need." so I don't feel so alone in the struggle. Maybe others my age are struggling for their independence, voice, husband, and life path....but I feel like many my age have it all together, and while professionally, academically I look great on paper, I know there is a lot of personal work I still have to do. But, as I was told, that is normal too, it would be abnormal if I didn't feel that, and it is a process. Breathe. Breathe.

So maybe this right of passage is not as liberating as I would like it to be. It's hard, and emotional, and you realize that there are moments in life that separate your kid life and your adult life. You realize you want different things and have stronger opinions and those you used to agree with you don't agree with anymore and those you never agreed with you agree with all the time. You look in different places for friendships, you look for different things out of relationships, different values and characteristics mean more to you now. You count on people for different things, there are new types of stress, and new types of happiness. The perfect relationships on the outside are not has perfect as the seem...happiness is not always 100% happiness. You realize that people give up a lot of themselves to have families and while growing up you saw that as wonderful, you cannot really imagine yourself doing that. You struggle not to lose who you are, yet there is a lot about you that you want to lose and a lot you want to gain. Nothing is as perfect as it seems, yet is the imperfections that you crave sometimes.....

I found a quote that definied what living with integrity means, it hit home in a big way.

"Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are consistent with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe."

I love this quote. It hits every key point of what I value, what I have to learn, what I stand for. And I believe it is on this note that I end my journal entry, and start report card grades......

A list of life

Entering into the end of March a list of life updates:

1. Had my grad school interview, it went incredibly well. I felt like I was given a psych evaluation with what I had to go through, scenario responses, rating how certain things are important in my life, what I value, labeling pictures with one word meanings....weird, odd, interesting, and so excited to go back to school!

2. Had a 30th surprise birthday party for a friend at school....I love surprise parties, as long as the surprise is pulled off, and it was! It was a great night out, with great people, a lot of laughs, some good drinks, and I feel very lucky to have gotten to know such good people and friends at work.

3. My 5k training is going well, better, my knee brace is successfully working, and once the nice weather hits, I will be glad to train outside.

4. I am going on my first field trip tomorrow, 90 middle schoolers, a play and mexican town to eat. I, for the first time, feel like a real teacher, with real responsibility. The kids are excited, I am paranoid I am going to leave someone in the bathroom in downtown detroit.

5. Had PD day for 6 hours today...and realized the pit falls of education...the politics, the headaches, the common assessment, the lack of direction, teaching to the book, the pitfalls of foreign language, teaching to the test, moving away from teacher originality, I am entering this teaching profession at a very challenging time, frustrating time, and I can see it in two ways. 1) bitch and complain and say I am going to quit 2) get my masters in something outside of teaching to prepare for the future of maybe a more negative teaching field and in the meantime, go into my classroom, do things my way, teach my kids the best I can, make the impact I know I am making, enjoy what I am doing, know that I am doing my very best, do what is required in my way, and worry about the less than positive future in years ahead. With education there is always going to be change, paperwork, new requirements, and with this comes the ability to make a difference, to change the world, if we are allowed that freedom and can break free from the three possible choices on a multiple choice test.

6. Had lunch and spent the day with my all time favorite teacher....she is why I went into teaching, and although she was discouraged at PD today too, I stay in teaching because I want to impact someone the way she impacted me. There are people in my life that just go above and beyond for me, that know me better than I know myself, that look at me and know what is going on, that just understand me...she is one of them. She was my teacher, a mentor and is now a colleague and friend, and I admire her both personally and professionally. I always hoped I would grow up and work back with my old teachers, and here I am fulfilling that dream....it is still all so surreal.

7. I have realized that going out of my comfort zone provides opportunities for great growth. Thanks to some cheerleading and support from a friend of mine, I am embarking on a new journey. I am not sure where it will lead, I am not sure I even know what I am doing, but I am trying to go at this with a new perspective and an open mind. Knowing that if I am rejected, it will be a learning opportunity, if I am rejected, I will learn that I am still worth more than that rejection, that I deserve more, it will be a test of strength, and certainly a test of where I am in my life, and I feel very supported in this endeavor which makes it that much easier to go for it. I hope it leads to something positive.

8. I secretly love March Madness

9. I have realized the value of age and wisdom. I have realized that there is truth in the fact that as you grow older you meet better people. I realized that there is better out there. I have realized how far out of their way people will go for you to support you, give you advice, and genuinely take an interest in your life; the good and the bad. I lost that feeling for a very long time, and it is wonderful to have it back....I need resassurance, I take comfort in knowing that just as I need certain people in my life, they need me in theirs as well.

10. There are so many people engaged and married, at 23! Seriously!!!! I have done a lot of thinking about this situation.....I love the idea of a family, being surrounded by a family, husband, kids, not tomorrow, but its something I definitely want, that security, that crazyness. I know I am not ready yet, I am too set in my ways, still like being on my own schedule, probably too selfish, but I actually think I want it sooner than I realize, without wishing my young life away too quickly.

11. Florida in three weeks!

12. Learning to embrace the unknown, and see where it takes me....because sometimes, in the winds of change...great things happen. I am learning to follow the signs, step out of my comfort zone, and yes I stress about what is to come, but it is with the hope, that what is to come, is something great.

A Tragedy has Struck

Suicide struck my school, and by association, it struck me as well. I am emotionally exhausted, and not exactly sure that writing this out is even going to begin to touch on processing this all, but writing has always been extremely therapeutic so I guess I will start here and see where it takes me.

Monday morning we received an e-mail from our principal telling us that a student's parent had called her telling her that her son had tried to commit suicide on Sunday afternoon. My heart immediately sank as I read this e-mail, for various reasons, personal reasons, past experiences, and the thought that our school just went through a suicide prevention program with the kids. We were instructed to keep the information strictly confidential until 5th hour, when each individual teacher would read a letter, that our principal would draft explaining the situation, and we each would read that same letter to our individual classes. How am I supposed to teach, with a straight face, until 5th hour? I was a wreck. I immediately felt guilty because I saw the student's name who had tried to kill himself, and I could not put a face to his name. So I went to a teacher down the hall to look at an old yearbook, to see his face, and then it hit....while I did not have him as a student, I knew him fairly well. Best friends with several of my students, I saw him almost daily after school, and I do believe I even yelled at him a time or two, when he was hanging around in classrooms he wasn't supposed to be in.

I held it together pretty well until 5th hour, when I had to read the letter. We read a letter calmly explaining the situation, that the boy is in critical condition at U of M hospital, and he is there because he attempted suicide. We are all here to support you, our counselors are here to talk etc. So of course, my 5th hour are my wonderfully inquisitive and vibrant 7th graders, and while the young boy who tried to take his life was an 8th grader, the 7th graders weren't as emotionally attached, but they had a million questions. How did he do it? Did he slit his wrists? Will he live? What is critical condition? Can he see? Can he hear? How long till his mom found him? He seemed like a happy kid, I am happy, will this happen to me? Why did no one tell? Let me tell you, the college of education at MSU or at university for that matter, does not prepare you for this as a teacher, I suppose you learn from experience, but I do not wish this experience on any teacher.

We got e-mail updates all night and tonight, and informed students with the new information we had. Of course the rumor mills started, on how he did it, why, who knew, who didn't....all stuff we tried to prevent, middle schoolers are so young to be able to process this. I am struggling to process this. I had students who made jokes because they didn't know what else to do, I had crying students who had to be escorted out of class by a social worker, I had lathargic students, acting out students, questioning students, the loud students were quiet, the quiet ones loud, people trying to start fights, getting angry, jealous, blowing things out of proportion, miscommunicating, all because their emotions had nowhere else to go. We were instructed to give another talk to tell students that the young boy was now in critical condition, and was put in a drug induced coma, part of his brain was cut out to reduce swelling, doctors need 48 hours to determine a prognosis. We were also told that he tried to kill himself my hanging himself, and his mom found him in his room. The principal and counselors went to go visit today, and that is what we know so far....more to come in the next few days.

Apparently some kids knew about it and didn't report it, didn't take him seriously, I have one of the students he told in my class. His face was a sheet of guilt today. How do you even begin to console these kids, how do you even begin to explain, how do you tell kids to conjugate verbs and lets do verb races and study for a test, when their friend may die after he took his own life. My heart breaks, all the teachers just don't know what to do, the kids are just spaced out, lathargic, and some in complete denial. They just don't get it. They sit and ask me when he is coming back to school.....they don't understand that if and when he does wake up, he will not be the same person, his mental state, he may be a vegetable when he wakes up, he is not coming back to school this year, even if my some miracle, he is ok, mentally he cannot come back to school. These 12 and 13 year olds understand death, but they don't.

I cried today, in front of the kids, I guess that makes me human. But I felt awful, my favorite student of all time, bubbly, edgedy, talkative, great student, came in and looked like a train had hit her. She was friends with the boy, and was just beside herself. She came to me quiet at first, then started crying, saying she was good friends with him, and he was just so happy, and she is always happy, is she going to do this too, and I just lost it when I saw how upset she was. The hour ended, and my 5th hour came in, and I had to run next door and have a teacher cover for me for 10 minutes while I pulled myself together. I just felt awful, how do you go on teaching? I did it though, I answered more questions, I updated the students as I got the information, and I made it through another day.

I just cannot unplug from the situation. My head is just spinning, dealing with how I am feeling, and dealing with how the kids are feeling, and how the kids are making me feel. I see how upset his friends are, his family, what this has done to people who know him, knew him, or just saw him in the halls.....he felt like there was no other option, like he could trust no one, no one cared, and look how many people did care. I know what being depressed is like, I know what feeling alone is like, and I certaintly know what is like to question trust among close friends, and I really know what it is like to put up a front like everything is ok.......but this doesn't make it any easier. I am in a very healthy place in my life right now, but I also, now understand, that in that kind of state of mind, you don't realize that people care. And now too, I realize what an important role friends play in this, most just run away when things like this happen, they don't know what to do, they don't question why they are acting this way, they don't tell when they think something is going on....but why? They think they are not serious? The don't know what to do? Kids, please, tell, even if your wrong, it is better to be safe than sorry. Be there for your friends, listen to them, don't run away.

I don't even know. What advice can I give to myself, to them? It's so hard. I feel so awful. I have never been in this role before, I am going into counseling because I have an interest in dealing with these situations, but here I sit, not having a clue what to do or say. I am trying my best, and getting through one day at a time, I am praying for the family of this little boy, and for this little boy, when and if he does come out of this, I hope he can mentally heal safely, I hope he knows that it will get better, I hope he knows that there are people that care about him, and I hope he will learn what to do to prevent this from happening again. I hope the rest of my students learn from him, I hope they grieve in whatever they works best for them, I hope they confide in me knowing that I truly do understand, I hope there are no copy-cat acts, I hope they band together, I hope I can fulfill my role as the teacher and support my students, that is my job now.

February snow, brings more March snow?!?

I cannot believe it is March 2, (and 20 degrees to boot). Despite some slow weeks and adjusting to my first year of teaching, this year, as a whole is going so quickly, I can barely keep up. This time last year I was counting down the days till student teaching was over, and now I am trying to slow time down until the end of the year. While I complain that March is going to be a slow month, with only one day off for PD, I know I will miss teaching come summer. I will miss the people, and (most) of the kids, being a routine, and having something to do each day. Not that I will be bored this summer taking a full load of grad school classes, but it will be different. I think there will be a great sense of accomplishment at the end of the year, that I made it through my first year. These last three months, after Christmas break, I have fallen into a good routine with teaching, I feel like my plans are creative, I get the kids up moving, I feel like they are learning something, and besides the parent that told me the reason that his son had a D in my class was because he was GIFTED, and was not being challenged, the year has been going really well. With my feet on the ground with teaching, I was able to become close with two teachers at school that really have welcomed me with open arms. I feel fortunate they have been so supportive, and absolutely hilarious to work with. Since I am my own department, teaching can often feel isolating, and so venting my sarcasm to other teachers was not always possible. However, I have come to rely on these two teachers, on their classroom experience, advice, shared middle school stories, and their acceptance of me into their “group.” They are pretty great people, really good teachers, and I feel really lucky to be able to work with them every day, as colleagues and as friends. There are just some people that come into your life that you just naturally click with, you just feel comfortable talking to, they just understand your situation, your personality, your sense of humor, you have so much in common in very different ways, there is always someone there if you are having a good day or bad, I have realized the importance of having work friends, because I would go insane without adult interaction dealing with 12 and 13 year olds all day. I feel lucky that both of them came into my life during this crazy first year of teaching, and during this crazy often confusing part of life. A lot of different people have come into my life, and it’s funny how once they arrive, you cannot imagine your life without them in it. They come in and bring more clearly into focus where your life is headed, who you are as a person, what you value, and what you deserve.

I am going to Florida in exactly 6 weeks, I am so excited I cannot even take it. It is a LONG overdue trip to visit some amazing friends, and I cannot wait. I am so happy that I have the money and time to go, and so happy to get out of this negative degree weather, seriously, enough is enough. I have the travel bug, Florida in 6 weeks, Europe for the summer????:)

Seriously though, in addition to grad school, I am looking into doing some sort of volunteering this summer, I have this drive to help people lately, I like the way it makes me feel. We will see how it goes and what I can find.

So my 5k. I hurt my knee and am currently wearing a knee brace, but I am still running 3 times a week, elliptical one a week, weights once a week. I am sore, my hips are cracking, my knee is throbbing, but I am determined to make it across that finish line in May.

So its WEIGHTS day, so I am off to work out to ALL THE SINGLE LADIES…..until next time:)