I DID IT!

I did it! In the midst of a very very stressful week of work, Two bad hips, physical therapy and an emergency first time trip to the chiropractor that a friend scheduled for me...I ran in my first 5k race. I surprised myself with how well I did, and I was immensely surprised by how much I love the whole racing scene. The people, the atmosphere were awesome. After a mile and a half warm up watching my friend off to her 10k and walking to my 5k start with other friends...my hip was all warmed up. A few stretches and three sports bras later, I was off. Maybe it was Beyonce's single ladies, maybe it was everyone running around me, maybe it was my friends running with me today and training with me over the last few months, maybe it was because I have wanted to do this for so long and adrenaline kicked in...whatever it was, I was off, and pain free. I had to walk up two hills, my hips couldn't take it, but other than that, I ran the whole time. Finishing with a very acceptable time of 36 minutes 42 seconds. I am officially addicted. I feel so good about myself and so proud of myself. I had a few pretty crappy set backs, but did it! There is nothing I like better than setting a goal and accomplishing it. I NEVER thought I would be a runner. Number 10 has officially been checked off my Bucket List, and as I am looking at my list, number 18 can be checked off too..throwing someone a surpise party. And so can number 21, get into grad school. I haven't checked the list in the while, and I am making some progress. GREAT day today, cannot wait to do it again!

Taking a mental health day off of school tomorrow to regroup, reprioritize and take a day off of stress...a day to take care of myself for once.

Enjoy this beautiful day!

Certainty

Well, I am currently in the middle of memorial day weekend, and loving every minute. A well deserved long weekend, filled with relaxation, getting race ready for next weekend (well at least as race ready as I can get with a bad hip), organizing, spending time with friends, and catching up with some work from school. An interesting event happened today, which made me feel particularly happy about the place I am in my life. It is really funny to me the idea of intimidation and what it makes a person do. Now there is a very big difference between being intimidated, and being nervous or anxious or stressed. Nervousness, anxiousness, stress...all usually inherit characteristics in your personality....they are circumstantial sometimes, they occur when you personally feel there is something to lose from the situation or the outcome. When one is intimidated similar symptoms may appear----one does not make eye contact, heart races, one desperately try to think of what to say, or one may say nothing at all, and then run and hide. The difference lies in this: one that is intimidated must feel guilty on some level about something, or why run, why just the small talk, why not look the person in the eye, there is nothing personally for you to lose, so why feel intimidated? It's the guilt...but just so the situation is not awkward you try to say something quickly, and then kick yourself for how you sounded once you leave the situation, or you may try to convince yourself the other party made it awkward or at least you said SOMETHING...oh, let me reassure you.... everyone noticed your awkwardness and idiotic behavior... the awkwardness and the idiotic behavior portrayed comes in the fact that you were intimidated in the first place. I have to think that intimidation can only happen to a person who is weak, to a person who knows he/she has done something wrong and is not strong enough to confront it. Intimidation reflects the inability to change into a better person, the inability to grow up, mature, apologize, see perspective. Oh, how some people never, ever change.

I, on the other hand, have changed. I have grown and changed in ways that make me feel really good about myself, always trying my very best to be honest and do the right thing. And, I learned that I cannot change other people. I will always keep an open door, because I believe in new beginnings, but people make choices that sometimes have no logical explanation, they just work for them, and are sometimes made at the expense of other people. You just have to hope they are happy with their choices down the line. Many times, you are able to see hindsight before them, but they will have to learn from their own mistakes when reality hits. I see now that you have to be concerned about yourself, what is best for you, surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you, and bring out the change in you.

I have been given a lot of tough lessons over the years. I have battled time and time again to find myself. I realized today that while many doors of many relationships were shut in my face, and scars planted, for each person that left my life, god or someone bigger than me quietly put some really amazing people into my life. I was given a wonderful support system and I have only just started to realize it, and even though I was oblivious to the support because I was too busy worrying about what was long gone, once again, this year, I was blessed to have two more great people and friends come into my life, that have offered nothing but support and a wonderful sense of humor as I try to build the person I want to become. Going through your twenties is not easy...there are absolutely wonderful times that can only happen when you are in your twenties and there are really really horrible times too. I have gotten better about looking at the positive, but I also am constantly anxious and stressed out by nature. All of the good of my personality and all of the bad, have truly been embraced by the people that matter in my life. I have started to develop the mentality where I cannot feel guilty for how I am feeling, and I cannot change my reactions out of fear that people will pull away. I have realized that I tend to hold emotions in, until I am about ready to explode, probably due to past experiences....but now, I am starting to feel comfortable talking, and I realized that talking, to the right people, actually does make me feel better. I am at a point where either you like me or you don't....I am sarcastic, emotional, compassionate, funny, loyal and a complete perfectionist. I worry about the past, I stress out about the future, not a huge fan of change, I apologize probably too often, I have a hard time saying no, I care about how I treat people and I wear my heart on my sleeve....but with all that comes great passion for what I believe in......you have to accept me the way I am, I will not change my personality because someone is offended or does not like it. This does not mean I will not change and learn from people, it just means that I won't accept being betrayed, lied to, or put down because of how I react to situations or because of the very sensitive personality that I was born with. There is still a lot of work I have to do, a lot to figure out, and some days I feel like a train wreck, but I surround myself with people that have let me know that it is ok to feel this way, and they are always there to offer a listening ear and advice. Most importantly, I have realized, with completely certainty, that I am not alone. And on my hardest days, this knowledge, will get me through, and I am completely thankful.

After 12 hours of organizing my life, I am sitting in a VERY clean room, with labels, boxes, and colored coded lists....I hope sleep tonight will be a very real possibility......

Well-written

In between my running schedule, my less than favorable sleeping patterns, and the hecticness of the end of my school year, I have found the need to unwind and am addicted to just curling up in my bed and reading good books. I am in this online book club and I came across this book while doing some research on finding a new york times best seller to read, and found these really interesting quotes as I read my book tonight. It is interesting to me when you can hear emotion and feel emotion off of a page in a book...maybe you relate to the subject, maybe you cannot, but you can just sense that it is very, very well written, at least in my opinion. I have always said if I weren't a teacher, I would be a writer. I still secretly want to write a book one day, I guess I am just enjoy when I come across good writing, so I thought I'd share. So what makes good writing...the ability to relate to the message, the feeling that you understand just what is being written, that emotion comes across the page, you can feel what is being written, whether you have experienced a common situation or not, you can still feel sympathy, empathy, towards the character...or maybe even say I´ve been there. Now, it is not the most uplifting of books, but excellent writing none-the-less:

"...occasionally I wished I could walk through a picture window and have the sharp, broken shards slash me to ribbons so I would finally look like I felt."

"I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible..."

"I intend to scream, shout, race the engine, call when I feel like it, throw tantrums in Bloomingdale's if I feel like it and confess intimate details about my life to complete strangers. I intend to do what I want to do and be whom I want to be and answer only to myself: that is, quite simply, the bitch philosophy..."

"And then there are my friends, and they have their own lives. While they like to talk everything through, to analyze and hypothesize, what I really need, what I'm really looking for, is not something I can articulate. It's nonverbal: I need love. I need the thing that happens when your brain shuts off and your heart turns on.

And I know it's around me somewhere, but I just can't feel it."

"And I know, knew for sure, with an absolute certainty, that this is rock bottom, this what the worst possible thing feels like. It is not some grand, wretched emotional breakdown. It is, in fact, so very mundane:…Rock Bottom is an inability to cope with the commonplace that is so extreme it makes even the grandest and loveliest things unbearable…Rock bottom is feeling that the only thing that matters in all of life is the one bad moment…Rock bottom is everything out of focus. It’s a failure of vision, a failure to see the world how it is, to see the good in what it is, and only to wonder why the hell things look the way they do and not—and not some other way."

"Some friends don't understand this. They don't understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you're wonderful just the way you are. They don't understand that I can't remember anyone ever saying that to me. I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. It is all about If you loved me, if you supported me, cared about me, valued me, were loyal to me...... you would."

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.”



And 3 things I am thankful for today:
1. That some friends of mine began to make me feel ok to talk about things again, made me feel a lot less alone. There is a lot to process, It's not going to happen overnight, I know that, but I have a place to go now.
2. My mom. It is her birthday today, and while I am in a battle ground with her a lot, I really do love her and was glad she had a good birthday.
3. 18 more wake-up days left of my first year of teaching, ahh, summer;)

.....and of course for how far I have come, and deep down, know how much stronger I will be.

Another fork in the road, you keep turning

I have hit several stumbling blocks, and I am none too happy about it. It was told to me once that you will be given the same situations and the same types of people will enter you life and you will make the same mistakes in different ways until you learn your lesson....I thought I had learned it...several of them...several times over. But, these obstacles still keep coming up...hitting me head on, as I try to grow as a person, I understand that it does not happen over night, and I know how much you have to learn in order to grow into the person you become, but a little success a long the way, a little sign from up above that I am doing the right thing, a little nudge saying keep going, a little you WILL be ok, a little you can do this from someone, somewhere, would be really helpful. I have been through so much and am currently going through a lot as well...and I just need there to be a path that says this is the right way, I thought I was on it, I felt good, better, changed....it takes so much to change yourself....a change of lifestyle, attitude, values, morals a new focus and I have tried so hard to do all of this, and I still seem to fall short. It is so easy to fall back into bad habits, why? Why do I feel so different from everyone else? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I focus so much on the failure and not the accomplishment? Ugh, I am frustrated, and irritated and upset and angry. And I know those are ok emotions to have, I have to be ok with them, rational or irrational, they are what they are. But, I hope they are not sending the wrong message. I know I have come far, I have made great strides, but still so far to go, and I just need a bit of help....I hope something or someone comes along to help me trust I am doing the right thing, going the right way, changing my lifestyle in a positive way, seeing perspective and being a good person.

******

The things you want are always possible; it is just that the way to get them is not always apparent. The only real obstacle in your path to a fulfilling life is you, and that can be a considerable obstacle because you carry the baggage of insecurities and past experience.

Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven't half the strength you think they have.

Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.

With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity.

You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.

If you only look at what is, you might never attain what could be.

Success!

I ran my 5k in 36 minutes 48 seconds today, without stopping. Oh, did it feel good. And it was a fairly pain-free, easy run! I never, ever, ever, thought I would be a "runner," not that I am a marathoner or anything, but still I have always wanted to get into it, always wanted to run a race, and here I am getting race ready! Running is in my blood...just in the fact that it is a challenge, something you have to track, something you have to practice to get good it, its something scheduled, its goal oriented....me, in a nut shell;) Now that this is looking more feasible, I officially signed up for the race, and am excited to complete my first one. I am thinking about doing the 10k across the Canadian bridge at the end of October, we will see how this one goes.

Still no word on my job, but remaining cautiously optimistic. I have to think that being in Livonia is meant to me. I spoke with my friend from my student teaching school today, who I miss greatly, and she told me it was a good thing I didn't take the job I was offered at my student teaching school because they lady that was hired in my place got laid off yesterday. Meant to be, without a doubt, and definitely the right choice. Livonia gave me a very good education, and has treated me well so far. I know their are flaws in the district, but my school is getting Smartboards next year, and really it changes your life as a teacher. Not to mention I love the people there, so I have think that what is meant to be will be. If I am not there, well there will be a reason for that, I will freak out, and melt down, but try to be patient that all will be ok in the end.

I am considering getting a second job this summer and going to grad school...bad idea?? I don't know. I went apartment searching today with my friend, which let me tell you, bringing someone along that has been there, done that, and just add a second eye and opinion is a great idea. I also almost met my future husband, too bad he was engaged ha. But, in all seriousness, it really was nice to go to these places and have someone else's opinion and input, it was definitely a good day and a good afternooon. I went alone originally and came home stressed out, grumpy and overwhelmed. This was a much different experience. I think I have gone down to two apartments, maybe three. Probably two;) Both nice size, washer and dryer in unit, carports for these lovely Michigan winters, within 10-20 minutes of work, close to friends, close, yet far away enough from family, they felt homey, and I realized more than ever how much I need to move out. I will make a decision in the next few weeks then its off to IKEA to decorate:)

I have a big "talk" tomorrow. I am going in with a very open mind, and trying to apply everything I have learned over the past two years as I enter into this. Looking at the good in all people, looking at how much I have changed, what I will stand for and what I won't stand for, how I deserve to be treated, and how I refuse to be treated. I am hoping all things go well.

Feeling good....and in a really good mood. Off to my little Megan's 3rd birthday party...