The Holiday Season and a New Year

Well as 2008 draws to a close, I can honestly say it has been the most eventful year of my life so far. It has been a roller coaster of emotions, a lot of lessons learned, some great memories, some fantastic accomplishments, some great pain, wonderful joy, and some major life goals accomplished.

Let's reflect. In the past 12 months, I have completed a hellish year of student teaching, which turned out to be one the best experiences of my life. A rocky start, in a tough school, taught me so much about tolerance, patience, communication skills...it taught me about the effect even the toughest students can have on my life, even the students who refuse to learn, who start fires in their lockers, made me realize what teenagers go through day to day, and how lucky I was to have such a fortunate upbringing. I learned about family backgrounds and stories and how they truly effects your performance in school. I learned, that some kids will challenge you, because they want to see how much you care, they want to see if you will break, because most teachers don't care enough to make it through that kind of urban environment. People I know went through hoops and bounds, had parents make phone calls to people in high places, to beg to get out of urban areas for student teaching....what a waste, how selfish, what a way to sell yourself short. Teaching is not easy, you will not always be able to be at the perfect school, with the perfect kids, in the perfect environment, you will not be able to have Mom or Dad call to get you into a certain district when it comes time for your job......these people that did this, have a lot to learn about teaching and about life. I am completely grateful for my student teaching experience, it taught me classroom management and compassion, and an ability to communicate in a way I never thought possible.

The early months of 2008 and into the later months as well brought a very important relationship I had into question. I am very grateful for this relationship, and I feel lucky that when things were good, my friend and I got to experience student teaching together, something that we set out to do together at 18 years old. I feel thankful that we shared lessons, shared stories, went to job fairs, understood the struggles of being a student teaching together. I was the most honest I had ever been during these months, I fought for something that I cared very deeply about, I am grateful for the small progress we made, but ultimately very hurt that all the work, compassion, truth didn't mean much. I am sad that I wasn't worth the truth, that I was told one thing, and something completely opposite was done in action. I thought we were gonna make it, I thought the work we had done, the progress we had made, the commitment we had made, the lessons we had learned, the communication we had, had truly changed us, truly we were going to make this work....but sometimes history just isn't enough to hold a relationship together. I learned that people need different things and different friends during different times in their lives....I learned you cannot make someone believe you, you cannot make someone be in a relationship with you. Relationships have to be mutual, there has to be honesty, there has to be a commitment to grow together and make each other better people. I will continue to process this, continue to learn from this....I have learned patience from this, strength, wonderful communication and confrontation skills, I know mistakes were made, superficial things were blown up, and I hope that what is meant to be will find its way.

So in May of 2008, I made it through the program, I officially graduated from Michigan State, with my Spanish teacher certification. I never thought I would make it. But I did. Something that I set out to do when I was 18 years old. Something I have wanted since I was 9 years old, I was a teacher. What an accomplishment. One item off my "bucket list", I am a teacher, wow, I am still trying to get used to that. While I complained about the entire year of student teaching, looking back, I realize how lucky I was to have that experience. The college of ed put me through hell, and I don't think they particularly prepared me, but the entire year of teaching, definitely prepared me for my first REAL year of teaching. It was tough, and loads of work, no sleep, no pay, grad classes, but to be honest, it was very worth it. I was also fortunate to stay in close contact with my mentor teacher, and made great friends at the school as well. I am also extremely lucky, that before I graduated from MSU, I came in contact with one of the greatest people of all time, a mentor in education, a person who taught me how to be professional, yet stil vent my frustrations, someone who has dedicated her whole life to education and is committed to the field and to the lives she touches, someone who gives 200% every day, someone who knows the flaws of the system, yet excels anyways, someone who taught me a lot about myself, and someone who helped me through some pretty personal struggles, and relationship hardships, she taught me what it meant to be GOLD, and redefined what a teacher is....I won't name her by name, she knows who she is, she was my Spanish methods instructor, and I would not be the person, nor the teacher I am today, if I had not come in contact with her. Graduating from five years of MSU, made me quite nostalgic, quite reflective. Five years of college, and how fast it all went. I look back and remember all the memories, meeting my best friend, the all nighters, the funny teachers, the funny students, friends made, friends lost, cafeteria food, cramming two fridges into my dorm sophomore year, getting my gall bladder out, applying to the college of ed, soing to school all summer, going to Spain, god I could go on forever, you learn so much more than just want you learn inside the classroom. I hope to hold onto these memories for a long time, because I know I will never get them back.

So I am a teacher....now I need a job. That was my summer 2008. Jobs! I went through interviews, and second rounds, third rounds, and dissapointment each time I was told I was second choice, but not first. I began to look out of state, going back to grad school, and in a wonderful twist of fate, the last day of July become a day I will also remember. Within 24 hours I was offered 3 jobs! A phone call from an old math teacher, now principal called to tell me of a very recent opening in Spanish, middle school, in LIVONIA....he said that he thought of me first, and could I interview tomorrow. I interviewed for three different jobs in the same 24 hours. I got all three offers. It was a whirlwind of a few days, I got opinions from different friends, family members, and finally made the decision...a decision which I knew was the right one. I got my dream job, and the prinicpal told me that while it may have been my connections that got me the interview, but it was my credentials, grades, personality, and enthusiasm that got me the job...I am a middle school Spanish teacher in the district that I grew up in, it's my dream job, I walked around in a stooper for about a week. How fortunate am I? How did I get this lucky? I am truly blessed, I think my old High School Spanish teacher said it best..."I am so proud, no one has worked harder, and you have restored my faith that good things happen to good people."

August 2008....setting up my very own classroom was one of the most fantastic experiences of my life. All of the posters, chilli peppers, signs, Spanish realia, was put to use. As I lined my chilli pepper borders around my room, put my Spanish flag across my desk, I never felt so proud. I am very rarely proud of myself, and I was truly proud, you couldn't wipe the smile off of my face. My room, my classroom, I wanted this since I was 9 years old. The first day of school, the kids came in, and I knew this was where I was meant to be. I love middle school, I love their innocence, and their weirdness, and their reliance on me. I love guiding them, and their enthusiasm about Spanish. I love speaking to them in Spanish, knowing that I taught them that. I love their projects, and their awkwardness, their passion for their friends and everything pop culture. I love thinking of new lessons, and talking to parents, I just love everything about it. I sit here on Christmas break, and I miss the kids, I miss my job. You don't hear that often. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for the break, because teaching is some of the hardest, most exhausting work I have ever experienced. But it's wonderfully exhausting. I have learned so much again about patience, and compassion, and communication. Following my passion and commitment. I feel so lucky to have this job.

And now here we are at the end of 2008. My brother has gone to college and completed his first semster at MSU. I feel like it was only yesterday that I was starting on somedays, and it seems like forever ago on others. I am so proud of him. I have become close with friends that I never would have expected this time last year. I have learned a lot about relationships this year, and I have learned that the people you never expect, are the ones that are there when you need them most. The ones that quietly make their way into your life, the ones that have been there all along, you just weren't paying attention. I am grateful for growing closer to them.

I learned that I have come a very far way in 2008, I have accomplished a lot, learned a lot of tough lessons, grown a lot, but I have a lot left to learn, and I have a lot of growing to do. So, I know that I have a big agenda for the year 2009.....I need to make sure to take breath, continue to grow in patience, I need to not shut my family out when they are only trying to help, I need to continue to be optomistic and know that in time, what I am waiting for will come, I need to give to charity more, remain hopeful, be thankful for my grandparents, continue to be confident, enjoy my sense of humor, LAUGH, continue to make myself healthy, begin grad school, make up for past mistakes, finish my first year of teaching, take a trip, enjoy the moment, look past the superficial, strive every day to be a good person, good friend, and do the right thing, or the best thing or decision for that time...and hope that that energy will bring me good things, be open to new adventures, new people, new experiences, set expectations, set goals, blame myself less, work hard,surround myself with people that support me, laugh with me, will let me grow, will support me when I am down, surround myself with happy people, and most of all....love the journey....dance through life.

Good health, good luck, good people...and Happy 2009 to all.

Growth Spurt

Would you like to experience a giant growth spurt today?

Ask someone you don't know too well what they think about you. Seeking feedback from peers and strangers, who ideally don't have any stake in anything other than speaking their truth as they see it, is a great personal growth tool.

The impact of this type of feedback can be much greater on you, therefore, the potential for change is also much greater.

Perspective

I gained some interesting perspective this morning, talking to an old friend and colleague of mine. Sometimes, you just need that outsiders perspective to set you back into reality.
Perspective, it can do amazing things. The thing about perspective though is that it cannot be forced, you cannot change someone, or change someone's mind to make them see another perspective. Time changes perspective, people change perspective, life changes perspective. And sometimes people just change. And sometimes people just need something else in their lives, they are searching for something, hoping for something, looking for something that you cannot give them right now. It has less to do with you, then with what they need or what they want from life right now. People spend their whole lives being one thing, and one day, wake up and realize, they don't want to be that anymore, so they surround themselves with people who will support this "new person" they are trying to become, leaving everyone else behind, not being able to see the consequences. The consequences are often seen much later, and you are then expected to help pick up all the pieces. There is a fine line between needing to spread your wings, and hurting the people that would have helped you do that in the first place. Just because you want something different out of life, doesn't mean you have right to hurt the people who originally wanted the same things as you. But maybe the hurt was unintentional, spiraled out of control, and now thought to be beyond repair. Life is sticky and complicated and filled with many perspectives and disappointments, but I am not the only one to go through this. I think what I learned this morning is that despite the toughest lessons and the most painful circumstances, I have to keep standards for how I treat myself, and how others treat me, and I have to know that I deserve to be treated well. I have to know in my heart, that I am a good person who tries to do the right thing. I am not perfect, by any means, but I try every option possible to make things right, to put myself in another person's shoes, to learn, and listen and to grow. I have to remind myself to not blame myself for every little thing, things do have a way of working out and sometimes that means keeping the door open for new possibilities, and new perspectives to enter in, whether it be days, weeks, months or years later. And until they enter, I live my life, knowing that I am proud of the person I am becoming, the things I stand for, and the compassion I have for the people in my life.

Unseen

All you had to do was pay some attention
All you had to do was look past the surface
But you never noticed much of anything
All you had to do was just try to listen
The tragedy is that you left so much unseen
You left so much unseen

You didn`t know my biggest fear
Was that you didn`t care
That this ain`t the life I want
To be right by your side
And have this great divide
We were close but so far

7th grade news

So I ask my students every Monday to share "noticias buenas" ...... good news, and they never cease to amuse me with what they consider good, interesting news. I am so thankful for them for all the joy they bring to my job. A few of the exciting things they shared:

1. I was able to change my earrings on Friday, and I now I get to wear HOOPS
2. My dad lied to my mom and brought me over to my friends house to sleep over
3. I was bored until about 6:30 on Saturday, then I played videogames which were still boring, then I made chocolate chip pancakes
4. My friend got a concussion going down deadman's hill
5. Friday I did nothing, Saturday I did nothing, Sunday I did nothing
6. I stayed up late, till almost 10:00 watching Harry Potter...the uncut version!
7. I got caught skateboarding in the loading docks at Walmart, the security guard had to call home

I love my job:)

Do the Dishes....

I liked this analogy......

As difficult as dirty dishes can be, they're even worse when you let them sit for a while. And the longer they sit, the harder they are to clean.

This is life. Something that is potentially easy to clean up right after it happens - an unkind word to your father, a lie to your best friend, an insensitivity to your girlfriend - can become a difficult mess if you don't deal with it now.

Do the dishes today.

and on a completely different note......there is something to be said for the fact that true happiness depends on the people you surround yourself with. And I certainly am looking forward to spending the weekend with people that make me laugh until my stomach hurts...now that kind of pain, is worth it;)

Better shut down the lights, pull the covers up tight....

"True friends not only protect you from others when something goes bad, but from yourself when you try to take blame."

"Smile and everyone loves you; cry and you find your true friends."


"The truth is, everyone's going to hurt you. You just have to decide who is worth the pain."

Loyalty. That is what is comes down to. Loyalty to ourselves, loyalty to others. I think loyalty is one of our greatest human emotions, well characteristics. I think loyalty builds bonds with others that you never thought imaginable. I think loyalty shows compassion, and trust and honesty a genuine feelings that you will always be there to support someone. On the down side, you have no control over others loyalty to you. I have control issues, I will admit that openly. I hate things out of my control. I hate that sometimes I get so upset and angry I don't know how to talk about it and I take it out on the people I love the most, its not fair to them in any way shape or form, its something that I struggle with, and consistently try to work on. I consider loyalty something you DO have control over though. I may not be able to control someone else's loyalty towards me, but I can control my own loyalty towards someone else.

As my quotes suggest, loyalty truly is having each others back. Not only sticking up for a friend, family member, girlfriend, boyfriend, co-worker etc, but also reminding you NOT to blame yourself. Guilt, it can be deafening and heartbreaking and depressing, to be honest. Guilt that it was all your fault, situations can so easily be turned into blaming yourself, and if no one is there to defend you, you end up digging this huge hole inside yourself that is near impossible to get out of, and if and when you do, it leaves a massive scar. This is where loyalty comes in: imagine a impossible situation, a situation that is so painful you can barely talk about it without crying. People attacking you from every angle, you have no chance to survive. You start blaming yourself asking you what you could have done differently, what you should have said or done to prevent this from happening. Sure there were three, four, five people involved in the situation, but somehow you lay awake at night wondering WHAT YOU did wrong, not what they did wrong, but what YOU could have done differently. What if you wouldn't have been so oversensitive, what if you would have something sooner...the what if's will kill you. Imagine that the one or two or five people you are in the situation are your closest friends or family members, and they won't stick up for you, they won't even listen. They pretend to listen, but they don't. They say they will make changes, but they don't. Years and years of trust and memories and a shared history and yet no one believes you....they no longer have any loyalty to you, believe me, you will never feel so alone.

Why is it that people you are close to run away when you are hurting? Are they scared, do they not care, do they not want to deal with it, do they not know what to do, do they think avoiding it will make it go away? Why aren't people ever willing to listen anymore, to see things from your side, to understand that pain and stupidity do not go hand in hand. Pain does not make you stupid or cloud your judgment, it makes you vulnerable and in desperate need for loyalty....someone who will have your back, some one who will fight for you, someone who will say you are worth it and I am going to do whatever it takes to prove that to you. Some people need reassurance that they are not alone, that they are needed---this is not a bad thing, its a personality thing. Why do people run away when you are just asking for a little loyalty during a painful time in life?

Is it true, as my quotes suggests that everyone, at some point or another is going to hurt you, and you have to just decide who is worth the pain. I would hate going through life like that, but my track record with relationships have proven this true. I have had many close relationships cause me more pain that I ever thought possible. I always think well it happened once, it wont happen again...it happened twice, it really cannot happen again, I mean how many times can lightening strike? But then, once again I am burned by the fire. Are there certain personalities that just repel loyal, true, friends. Maybe mine is one of them, maybe I am just too sensitive. I guess there are worse things than wearing your heart on your sleeve though....you just get hurt more often when you do. Where are the ones that will stand up for you no matter what, no matter what you are going through no matter what mistakes you made, have your back because that is just what friends do, the ones that support years of history the family members that supports years of memories and remind you that the past is the past, and you cannot let the past screw up the future or blame yourself....where are those people? Is is true that we have to DECIDE who is worth the pain, because let me tell you, I have convinced myself that several people who have betrayed me are worth the pain....I have worked so hard to repair these family relationships and friendships, and I feel that I am always turned down which it turn creates more pain for me. How long do you fight for someone, before you give up? How long do you fight for someone, until you have to stop, and wait for them to fight for you? I like fighting for the people I love, I like showing my loyalty, sure I have flaws and have faltered in my roles as friend, daughter, girlfriend etc, I am far from perfect.... but my loyalty to those in my life, has been unshattered. I just don't understand how people who have been your life for so long, can just walk away.....maybe if a relationship ends, if the loyalty isn't there, its because it never really existed. Slowly, new people come into my life, and show me traces of their loyalty to me, and a little bit of hope is restored in my heart, and little by little the holes in my soul that have been left my the pain of dishonesty and a lack of loyalty slowly start to fill, and I day after day keep giving my loyalty to the people I love...hoping one day, I will get it back in return, not because they have to, or feel obligated to, but because I am a good person and a good friend and a good daughter and a good girlfriend and they want to give that gift of loyalty back to me. Loyalty is earned, and once gone, it can be rebuilt, one you decide who is worth the pain, loyalty cures a lot of old wounds......its not easy, but its possible....and I think loyalty is best viewed from a glass half full vision.

I am not an expert on this stuff, I just have experiences that have made me think about the issues, and thus have had to decide what to do with circumstances I have been handed. All of this to say..... be kind to yourself, don't blame yourself (too much), know that shutting the world out because someone broke your heart or someone lost their loyalty towards you, will only harden your spirit, and no one is worth that kind of pain. As my girl Carrie Underwood says, "when life gets that much harder, it makes you that much stronger." Good people, get good things in return...the bad ones, well I don't really believe in bad people, just good people that make poor choices and aren't able to see a well deserved perspective---and to those I guess I would say what comes around goes around, and you will be a better person because of of the strength you earned by having those less than favorable choices placed into your life. Loyalty is a tricky thing, it cannot be seen, it cannot be controlled, but it can be felt...the bad kind and the good kind.....but as we try to figure out how loyal life will be to us, warm pajamas, a bed, and an early bedtime seem pretty great.

Thought for the Day

"Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking."

Tough Times

So today I received an e-mail form my principal about one of my students. Apparently the mother of one of my students requested a meeting with all of my students teachers. I went to the meeting and the mother basically broke down in tears because they were losing their home. The whole family would be living in with grandma, who lives right down the street. Luckily, my student won't have to change schools, but my heart just broke for the entire family. I was not sure what to say or do when the student walked in. We spent the first 20 minutes talking about what we did over Thanksgiving break and plans of course included seeing movies, shopping, sports, sleeping, playing WII, etc. Then I got to the student without the home. Surprisingly, he shared everything with the whole class. Didn't give many details of why, but said that he found out he had to move in with grandma, spent the weekend not shopping, or hanging out with friends, but selling his bunk bed for some extra money, and decorating a sheet that he would spread over over the living room couch---why would you do that the students asked---because that is my new bed, he said. Ughh, I totally starting crying in class, I felt so bad for this kid. I wanted to take the little teacher salary that I have and just give it all to him and his family. He seemed relatively in good spirits, I think it was good that he shared it, rather than keeping it a secret. After class I pulled him aside and told him I was sorry, and if he needs to talk about anything I am always here. Then, this little 11 year old tells me my favorite quote is "Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail." He says, my family has failed, they have fallen down, but we will get up again, I just know it! I don't give my middleschoolers enough credit for how much of life they have already experienced, and how wise they are about so many things. It definitely puts life in perspective, I truly hope he and so many families in this suffering economy are able to get back on their feet and support their families, maybe with a new president, and hopefully some big change ahead, so many families will be relieved of these hard times.