Oh Winter

As winter approaches, my LEAST favorite time of the year, the anniversary of the death of my grandma, who I miss everyday, my grandma's birthday, my new cousin's 1st birthday that my grandma never got to meet.....I have to take a back seat and just breath.

You learn that you are not at fault or responsible for other's choices, and in six months, one year, or five years, you realize that these choices are all a part of a much bigger picture. What seems devastating at a particular moment ends up turning into the one of the greatest learning experiences of your life; you are suddenly filled with this sense of empowerment that you were right all along, and should never doubt yourself for what you are most passionate about. It is all about self-discovery, while remembering to be mindful of the feelings of those closest to you. The trust will eventually return, and you will look to your left, and then to your right, and realize you cannot fall, because all the right people are suddenly surrounding you in the most positive way, erasing the scars that once were.

I believe in the power of surrounding yourself with people who are open, honest, direct, and in tune to who they are, and how they treat the people around them. Disaster strikes when you find yourself in relationships of any kind that are one sided and narcissistic....suddenly you feel put down, worthless, trying to catch up, uncared for, rejected, engulfed...not healthy. Maybe it is my past experience, maybe it is my degree in Counseling, but talking about what has worked and not worked in the past, and learning from it, embracing it, grieving it, and growing is one of the best gifts you can give yourself.

If there is one thing I learned this year, it is to sit with what I am feeling. Take accountability for what I am feeling, and realize I am not responsible for how others deal with their feelings. In times of stress and grief, many people project their anger, sadness, depression onto you...not intentionally, but it happens. Sometimes suddenly, sometimes for years, and if not addressed, your sense of self is completely non-existent.

Then you learn how to deal with the projected feelings, and repel them off of you, and as soon as you learn to cope, slowly your sense of self begins to heal and grow.

At 25 years old, I am finally gaining the awareness I need to develop my sense of self, to help match my outer confidence to my inner confidence, realizing that it took 25 years of a lot of unknown and will likely take some time to build up this sense of self I had been missing.

Surrounding myself with healthy relationships, taking ownership of my feelings, being in the moment, taking risks, setting healthy boundaries, accepting others limitations, being assertive, allowing myself to ask for help, trying not to hold back....it is not easy, but I believe in the end it will be worth it.

As I slowly allow others in, slowly allow myself to trust, take a leap of faith, stand my ground, I can feel my entire sense of self changing...who I am, and what I want in the future. I allow myself to be happy. I allow myself to share myself with others. I allow myself to be with someone who brings out the best of me, and allows me to let go of my need for control just a bit.

And as Winter approaches, and the firs snow flurries begin to fall, I will bundle up, feel the cold, feel the happiness, and jump in...afterall, what is life about if you can't jump in and enjoy the ride....laugh, learn, challenge me...keep it real, and smile:)

Fall is in the air

I love fall days, and flips flops.
What a year it has been.
Deaths, and births, lost a job, gained another.
I am in love with my job, the students, the environment, I have fallen in love with teaching again.
I am making two goals this Fall...decided against the New Year's resolution, and making a Fall Resolution:

1. Learn how to cook.
2. Run a 10k.

I continue to be surrounded by the best friends a girl could ask for; passionate, loyal, funny, in-your face girlfriends who remind me and push me everyday to take care of myself, and are never more than a phone call away through all the ups and downs. At 25 years old, it has taken quite a few years, but my friendships today reflect the person I have become, and the person I am becoming. No matter how much I resist, I have found unconditional support. That is hard to find.

Sometimes, in the midst of life and changes you take a risk, and come across new people that surprise you... that makes you look at life a little differently, that makes life a little more exciting. A risk sure, but a good risk, nothing great every comes easy. Put yourself out there, enjoy the moment, enjoy this beautiful fall day.

And......remember it's all about being honest, vulnerable, and in the moment. It's ok to have good days and bad days. And it is ok to be emotional and have a shoulder to cry on. But it is equally important to ask for that help, ask for that shoulder, and then stand back up...because remember...

"One day your life will flash before your eyes. You want to make sure its worth watching."

Laughing, Learning, Loyalty, Loving

Dear Laughing, Learning, Loyalty, and Loving.....

Fall 2010.

Here is to learning: learning about myself, my family, my friends, my profession, my new profession, my new school, my new apartment. Learning about Spanish, and English, and my students. Learning about long instilled habits, good memories and bad. Learning about change, and changing for the better, and changing to bring you to where are you supposed to be. To learning about grief and death, and mourning, and learning how to find your way out when you all you can think about is how far down you can go. Learning how far friends will go to be there for you, learning when to ask for help. Learning when to just let go, breathe, and enjoy the moment.

Here is so loyalty: realizing that loyalty is not a option but a requirement, and should be mutual. Loyalty to friends, to family, to all relationships. To loyalty for its persistence, and passion, and stubborn nature. For its proof that not everyone is the same. For its ability to make you feel like you are not alone. For its character and for realizing that you are not the only one who values it.

Here is to loving: loving the people you have in your life, telling them you love them, and appreciating them, because I have lost too many people this year that I loved, and hope I told them enough. I don't want to have to hope, I want to know. To loving what you do, but loving what you stand for more.

Finally, here's to laughing: for its ability to ground me, its ability to cause intense pains in my stomach, tears in my eyes, and water all over my shirt from spitting it out mid-laugh. For the power of sarcasm, and how when you least expect it, you may just run into someone more sarcastic than you, and you realize how happy you can truly be. Laughing, for its ability to give you a break from reality, to smile at your own neurosis, to enjoy even the most awkward moments in your life. To share happiness, to share a smile, to share an inside joke that never goes away. To look back and laugh at the chaos and bad luck, when you realize that all of it happened to put you in a better place, a place where you have found yourself, continue to work on yourself, and appreciate all the good people in your life. Laughter gives me confidence, and a smile, and the ability to brighten someone's day.

I pride myself on a few things: being a good friend, a good teacher, my loyalty and persistence in everything I do, and my sarcasm...the ability to make myself, and the people around me laugh. As we start the 2010-2011 academic year, I once again and off to a new start. Continuing to learn about myself, and find my place...and wherever it may take me, I know that with learning, love, loyalty and laughing I will surely find my way and learn to embrace the unexpected.

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."


"You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control."

--Elizabeth Gilbert

And I'll Stand Back Up.....2009-2010 school year in perspective

The 2009-2010 school year has officially ended, and what a year it has been. I find as a teacher, we live by the academic calendar year, and as September open houses turn into October's Halloween, we find ourselves sailing through to Thanksgiving, and Winter Break. Michigan winters freeze us to the inside of our four walls, and through the depths of the cold, slowly we see the flowers pop up. Spring break comes, reports cards, conferences, honors night, and June graduation is here. Living in the busy day to day life of a teacher, dealing with 150 students, needs, names, e-mails, plans, tests, parties, meetings, grad school, you find yourself on a wheel never really able to take time to realize just how fast each year passes. I will be entering my third year of teaching in the Fall, and I feel like I am just getting out of Michigan State entering my student teaching year.

To say that the past year has been overwhelming, would be an understatement. As I was laid off from the best first year of teaching in, well, history, so I am told, I found myself completely lost last summer. Struggling living at home, sad to leave a school and friends that I had become so close to, wondering how grad school would treat me, wondering how to recreate myself in my post-college, now adult professional and social life.

I say I am not good at change, but the truth is, I am good at change, I have been forced to be flexible. I don't like change, but I can no longer say that I am not good at it. I have transitioned from urban high school, to suburban Title 1 middle school, to suburban very upper class high school, and now back to middle class, middle school. I have come across all different types of students, teachers, environments, and friends. Each school that I have stepped foot into, I have left with awards, letters from students, presents, wonderful friends, and my most recent Superintendents Award of Excellence for inspiring students. While my passion lies in middle school age children, in lower socio-economic areas, I have battled past all the stereo-types and brought my personality into the classroom. I have learned that a sense of humor goes a long way, and a good relationship with your students is key to classroom success and classroom management. Yes, I make fun of my students. Yes, I am fiercely sarcastic. But through this, I also teach them, not just subject matter, but how to create a friendly, respectful environment that you can have fun in.

I left in tears when I left my first year of teaching, laid off. I was lucky enough to get hired once again into a very different district, and while I had mixed feelings, I fell into a school that was truly inspiring. The teachers, staff, administration, and environment were so passionate for what they did, putting students first, and putting teachers first. Showing what truly high expectations and leadership and can bring to a school. I was included in every lunch, every 1/2 day outing, every bar trip, inside jokes, stories, shared rubrics, and projects, and lesson ideas. Any problem I had, it was taken care of immediately. While I thought I would feel like an orphan being on a cart and not having my own room, it allowed me to once again adapt to change, be flexible, and meet many different teachers as I roamed through the halls.

You often don't realize what you have gained until it is gone, and as I found myself laid off once again this year, I realized how wonderful the staff that surrounded me truly was. And I am so appreciative, grateful, and lucky to have made new friends. I continue to get e-mails, phone calls, and texts congratulating me, checking in on me, and supporting me.

In a lucky twist of fate, I took a chance, put myself out there, took a deep breath of confidence, and within 48 hours , and three rounds of interviews, I found myself once again employed in yet another new district, before school even got out this year. I will be a full time middle school Spanish teacher come Fall....my dream job. As a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, I felt both my grandmas looking down on me, telling me, I would be ok. I truly felt that this job is going to be meant to be. Something told me I would get it. Something pushed me to be my best. And I will begin my third year of teaching in the fall teaching 6, 7, and 8th graders Spanish......the age group and subject I am so passionate about. I am thrilled, excited, motivated, and so happy for a stress free summer.

While this year provided an excellent staff, an opportunity for me to teach English, which I fell in love with, and the insurance and money allowed me to move out, I certainly had my fair share of setbacks. I found myself struggling, and I finally took a deep breath and reluctantly asked for help. Within the struggle, the fighting back, the resisting, the emotion of it all, I have learned a great deal about myself, my relationships, and the power of unconditional loyalty, caring for someone more that just a friend, but as a person. Through some unfortunate circumstances in the past, I developed a sort of learned helplessness, I craved equity in my relationships, I craved loyalty, I screamed inside wondering if anyone would pay attention...and it never came. I suffered the consequences, lowered my expectations, and found myself completely self-destructed. Always, deep down, knowing what I expected, wanted, and deserved, but never having the confidence to get it, never thinking I was worth it enough. Oh, if only I could turn back time, and realize how severely wrong I was. If only I could turn back time, and speak my mind, and say, I deserve more, so I am leaving. But I hung onto people, places, and events for too long, because I feared change, I feared losing a part of me. But the truth is, I lost the part of me that was still young, insecure, dependent, afraid, angry...and I have no problem admitting that. I lost the part of me that for so long thought that all my memories and history and worth was wrapped up into specific events, specific people, and filled with betrayal, immaturity, and hurt. As I have written so many times before, time has healed the scars, and in hindsight, I am so much better off, not just with the new people, places, and circumstances that have entered into my life, but the fact that I can confidently say, that I am worth more, and I forgive the past, because it brought me to such a better place.

They say that everything happens for a reason, my entire life I wanted to be a teacher, and while I always pictured my teaching career a certain way, the path it has taken has certainly been different that I had imagined. However, it has bought experiences and people in my life that completely changed me. I last minute decision to student teach in Detroit instead of East Lansing caused a lot of tension. I found myself student teaching in a urban district with a teacher that I did not feel confident about upon first impression. But it was just the nerves. I was able to work under a very skilled, sarcastic, intelligent teacher that truly let me embrace my creativity, and direct my own learning, and allowed me to realize that I truly could reach any student no matter what race, ethnicity, or age. My next school was my dream job, middle school, Spanish back in the district I grew up in. It was a great place to set my foundation for teaching, to see what building relationships with kids meant, and unexpectedly met a few friends down the hall that have become my closest friends and support. This past year of transitions, sent me to a school that forced me to stretch my teaching abilities both in subject matter, organization, and relationships. I was surrounded by young, fresh, teachers and leadership that really showed me the importance of how to make a school work well.

Throughout this year of transitions, and struggles, I found myself supported by incredibly wonderful friends that I met while surviving my first year of teaching. I have found a completely new respect for people that push you out of your comfort zone, that often care about you more than care for yourself, that accept every flaw, bad mood, struggle, conflict, and keep coming back again and again, even when you push them away harder than you have ever pushed. It is the push, and them pushing harder, that eventually breaks down the walls you have been holding onto for so long. I have been working hard to break down walls, and habits that have been built up over 25 years, and without these people in my life, I really find myself wondering where I would be. Certainly not in the place that I am, and most likely just trying to survive, instead of finding comfort, support, help and enjoying this ride that life is taking me on.

I have learned to look at people and places that have been there all along, I was just too blind to see them. I am learning that it is the people that you don't see everyday, or even every month, but somehow keep in touch and pick up right where you left off when you see them. I am blessed to have such a support system in my life.

Both of my grandmothers passed away within 5 months of each other this past year. And if it had not been for this support system that I have....the phone calls, texts, and visits even when I refused to talk, it's sometimes the presence of another that just makes life feel a bit less lonely. The passing away of my grandmothers has left a hole in life, my mind, my heart. Everything I value, everything that I have grown up with, every memory, tradition, good news, bad news, accomplishment, milestone, was shared with my grandma. I continue to dial the phone to call her and tell her of my new job, my awards, and find myself filling with tears when I realize no one will pick up on the other end. I miss my grandma daily, sometimes hourly, but I also know that everything she instilled in me is inside me. I question heaven and religion and all that business, but with her death, I forced myself to believe that whoever is up there, whatever exists up there, has to be a better place, where my grandma can still look down on her family and where she is pain free, finally. I wanted her at my wedding, I wanted her to be a great grandmother to my children, and I wanted her to see me as a true adult---she did nothing but support me and forced me to look at the positive, and I will continue to grieve the loss of all this. Her death did not teach me that life is short or appreciate what you have, rather, it taught me the importance of what kind of impact you leave once you leave...the funeral home was filled, her values of family first, honesty, loyalty, equity, tradition will be forever with me, and carried through to further generations and with my Grandpa who still lives, but now alone after 60 years. My heart still breaks.

This summer, with employment in the fall, becoming even more independent, taking one online grad class...I plan to take time for myself. Be it selfish or not, I need these next 2.5 months to spend on me. to find out the person I am becoming, to learn to habits, new ways of coping, appreciating the people in my life, getting healthy, reading for pleasure, trying yoga, kickboxing, living in the moment. Practice being assertive, and independent, and enjoying the people in my life. Sometimes I try to take on this world by myself, thinking I have all the answers, and don't need anybody's help. But in continuing to learn about myself, I am realizing this is not a sign of weakness, but rather courage to stop self-destructing and understand people are in your life for a reason and want to see you happy. I will have set-backs, you cannot undo 25 years in 2.5 months. But it is coping with the setbacks, it is talking, it is realizing that you are not alone, and realizing that quitting is not an option, it never has been for me, and it never will be. There will be days when I feel like throwing in the towel, when all I want to do is hibernate, but I have to realize that this last year was filled with life, death, surgery, job changes, new people, new places, and it is ok that it takes time to process. Inspired by Sugarland, as I travel through summer vacation.....despite all that comes my way, I am determined to Stand Back Up, and when I push away, I am confident the people in my life with push back..harder.

Happy Summer.

Sometimes it's the unexpected...

With the end of grad school classes looming right around the corner, 10 weeks left of teaching, and beautiful weather right down the road, I have realized the impact of the unexpected.

I am starting to realize that life is all about the unexpected, all the things that have unexpectedly happened to me over the past three years have been some of the greatest learning experiences of my life. Slowly, I am learning to live outside the box, to realize that life is filled with awkward and uncomfortable moments, and you often have to have the courage to follow your own path. It may be the long way around, but the power you gain from accepting what comes your way with a positive attitude makes a world of difference.

The unexpected behaviors that popped up again when I least expected, and the unexpected complete acceptance and support from friends.

The unexpected students that continue to come back to tell me how much of an impact that I made last year.

The unexpected links, connections, relationships that I have influenced me in deeper ways than I originally thought, and realizing that my need to protect worked against me.

The unexpected insight that I get daily by resisting going inward.

The unexpected ways in which I find myself pushing myself, because if you don't push yourself, you are stuck, and when you are stuck, you cannot grow, without growth you cannot change, and without change you cannot reach your true potential.

The unexpected lives lost, that put life into perspective.

The unexpected ways that my friends have shown me how to have a little fun;)

The unexpected ways I make people laugh.

The unexpected ways in which I realize that everything happens for a reason.

The unexpected ways I was treated in the past, only to make way for much healthier ways to be treated in the future. The beauty of learning what I truly deserve.

It's the unexpected that I am finding is slowly making me smile. The unexpected ways in which I find myself being more honest that I have ever been, and allowing people in more than ever before. Setting unexpected boundaries, and opening others. Accepting that this is a hard age...no quite young enough, no quite old enough. But, yet again, unexpectedly, I have stopped setting time limits, because it just leads you to disappointment.

Unexpectedly, I am learning to accept the process, the setbacks, and steps forward, the questioning, and self-exploration, the passion and drive, the comfort and discomfort, the regret and the past, the progress and the future....and in that process, I let new people in, open to the unknown , out of my control future, I have a smile on my face.

After all, what is life without smiling??? At least a little smile...;)

Pema Chodron

I am probably the least religious person you will ever meet. Rooted in tradition, sure. Rooted in values such as putting others first, always doing the right thing, being compassionate and passionate, working hard, and being loyal. Morals-I have them. God-well I believe in some kind of higher power, and with the passing of my grandmother I have made myself believe in a better place, so I know she is happy and out of pain.

I'm at a really changing point in my life...I've learned enough that I know what I want and don't want, I know who I am, and who I am not, but I feel like I lack the opportunity to really express it. There is a lot of chaos going on around me, and I suppose around everyone, but sometimes you feel it more than others. Stress, judgment, what if's, resentment, loss of control, embarrassment, regret, frustration, all emotions that we tend to run away from. We run, and they build up, and we all have to choose how to deal with them. Some people blame others, some people turn selfish, some drink, some avoid it at all costs, some have panic attacks, some just finally break. But, why do we run?

In the last 6 months, I have lost my job, gained a new job, left home, found a new home, had sick grandparents, lost grandparents, taught new school subjects, worked full time, worked part time, lost old friends, found new friends, loved my job, hated my job, and recently took on 8 credits of grad school work. So the question is....when things all around you fall apart, what do you do?

Admittedly, I don't have the best coping skills. My intentions are always strong, and well intentioned, but I get overwhelmed, and tend to beat myself up over the coulda shoulda woulda of the situation. A self-proclaimed perfectionist where failure and a lot of emotion is really not an option, I find myself struggling. And then I found Pema Chodron.

Ok, so I don't know if I am totally sold on this chick, but she is a Buddhist Nun who is pretty anti-organized religion herself, and emphasizes more spirituality, living in the present moment, and teaches dharma ---- giving answers for the tough stuff, and things to do when life falls apart.
It's interesting, it is a totally different way of thinking, but she steers away from preaching, and forcing any time of religious aspects onto you. I am reading her book When Things Fall Apart, and as I am reading I have to stop to write down some parts of the book, they really are quite enlightening. I am a words, quotes and English dork, so I guess I am naturally drawn to this stuff but as I try to grieve the loss of my gramma, establish my independence, find the opportunities to express who I am and what I want, what I have learned and learn to put myself first, I find her comforting.

One of her primary ideas is to practice compassion with yourself. It is something I really struggle with, because I am so hard on myself, and tend to place all the blame on myself. So I am currently trying to give myself a break, and not beat myself so much when I realize I just cannot handle it all, all the time.

Other quotes and ideas that I am really inspired by are:

"The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently."
*Reinforcing the importance of being compassionate towards yourself as you look at yourself honestly, and face what you need to, no matter how painful.

"A further sign of health is that we don't become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it's time to stop struggling and look directly at what's threatening us."
*Don't avoid the painful stuff, don't run from it, it will eat you up inside. It is hard, it is challenging, it will make you question every aspect of yourself, every belief you have ever had, but sometimes facing the hard stuff allows for the most progress.

"Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected. But if that's all that's happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction. On the other hand, wretchedness--life's painful aspect--softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody's eyes because you feel you haven't got anything to lose--you're just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We'd be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn't have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together."
*I love this because it really hones in on taking the good with the bad, and understanding why there needs to be a balance between the two.

"Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape -- all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain."
*Very true.

"So even if the hot loneliness is there, and for 1.6 seconds we sit with that restlessness when yesterday we couldn't sit for even one, that's the journey of the warrior."
*It's the small steps, I like that this emphasizes the small steps, the small progress

"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."
*I always look for a solution, a instant problem solver, sometimes the solution is not instant, it takes time, and time allow for room and space to process and to grow. I'm learning to trust the process, it's hell, but I am trying.

"…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are."
*I like thinking that everything happens for a reason, and everything comes into our life to teach us something, no matter how hard the lesson may be.

"If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher."
*Nothing could be more true.

"The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves."
.........

And in the end, as I have said over the past year or so, I am a work in progress. I think this is good, it's helping me grow. I want, need and crave instant gratification, but life doesn't work like that. I think an important lesson is taking it one day a time, and letting time do it's magic. We don't realize it in the moment, but time really does do amazing things---it heals, allows space to process loss and grief, it brings new people, new experiences, and erases painful ones. It disintegrates hate and broken hearts, and brings new passions, and new wisdom.

So to time, to my closest friends, to Pema Chodron, and to living one day at time....until next time.

Good friends, music, one day at a time

The next few months my life will not be my own, there has been so much going on. I'm writing and journaling and recording, and I sit here at 5AM not able to turn my mind off. Life just isn't fair sometimes, and it piles up with things out of our control. You try desperately to grab onto something you have some sort of control over, and still end up hurting in the end. I know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, there has to be, but right now, it is hard to take the first step. Grief is so hard. Knowing how to cope in the right way is so hard. Not knowing what comes next, if you will make it through that tunnel, is even harder. A good friend of mine told me to escape to the world of music. It allows you to express yourself and relate to something universal. And so I will try to put myself in a less destructive place, try to to put my head in a different place. That is what I am trying to hold onto: good friends, music, a day at a time. I will get through this. And while I try to hide and avoid it all, I have been blessed with this incredible support system that has held me up, and continues to hold me up, every time I feel defeated.




And there's holes in the floor of heaven, and her tears are falling down
That's how you know shes watching
Wish she could be here now
Sometimes when Im lonely
I remember she can see
Yes there's holes in the floor of heaven
And shes watching over you and me
___________________________________

Although the sun will never shine the same,
I'll always look to a brighter day
___________________________________

And I know your shining down on me from heaven,
And I know we'll be together one sweet day

___________________________________

I'm sorry, I never told you, all I wanted to say...

____________________________________

You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
____________________________________

Sometimes I take on this world by myself,
Thinking I got all the answers, don't need anybodys help

_____________________________________
Oh why, thats what I asking
Was there anything i could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song
______________________________________________________
I miss you so much
your light, your smile, your way
though you're gone, you still here
in my heart, in my tears
yeah, you sure left your mark
_____________________________________________________________________
And maybe someday, we'll figure all this out, try to put an end to all this doubt try to find a way to just feel better now and maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud we'll be better off somehow, someday.
________________________________________________________
I've been high, I've been low
I've been yes, and I've been oh hell no
I've been rock and roll and disco
wont you save me San Fransicisco

In dealing........

When we are feeling as if there is no way out, nothing to look forward to,
and we're anticipating only days and days of emotional agony ahead of us,
we need to recognize that we are not alone.
There are many others who have been through grief and are living their lives and functioning as capable, loving people in the world.
We will join them one day...and will, in the future,
live a life that is not governed by wrenching emotion.

Dear Friend,
Please be patient with me; I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time.
Please don't take away my grief or try to fix my pain. The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder. Don't be afraid to cry with me. Your tears will tell me how much you care.
Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems. I feel depleted and drained, like an empty vessel, with nothing left to give.
Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories. Feel free to share your own stories of my loved one with me. I need to hear them.
Please understand why I must turn a deaf ear to criticism or tired clichés. I can't handle another person telling me that time heals all wounds.
Please don't try to find the "right" words to say to me. There's nothing you can say to take away the hurt. What I need are hugs, not words.
Please don't push me to do things I'm not ready to do, or feel hurt if I seem withdrawn. This is a necessary part of my recovery.
Please don't stop calling me. You might think you're respecting my privacy, but to me it feels like abandonment. Please don't expect me to be the same as I was before. I've been through a traumatic experience and I'm a different person.
Please accept me for who I am today. Pray with me and for me. Should I falter in my own faith, let me lean on yours. In return for your loving support I promise that, after I've worked through my grief, I will be a more loving, caring, sensitive, and compassionate friend-because I have learned from the best.

Miss me but let me go

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no grieving in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free
Miss me a little – but not too long and not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me – but let me go
For this is a journey that we all must take and each must go alone
It’s all a part of the Almighty’s plan
A step on the road to home
When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me – but let me go

My greatest loss

I lost so much of my soul yesterday----who I am, the values I hold, this over-arching presence in my life. I write to help cope, and I write to prevent myself from going inward. Yet here I sit, painfully grieving, with this sudden death in my family, and I am truly, whole-heartedly at a loss for words. I have offered to write the eulogy, because I know on some level it will bring me peace, but the thought of writing it down on paper makes it permanent. And I am not sure I am ready for that.


I am comforted by the outpouring of love and support from dear friends and family thus far and the overwhelming amounts of love I am sure I will receive as the rest of the week unfolds, but I find myself heart-broken, speechless, and I know this is only the calm before the storm.