Considering the my last thoughts were anxiety filled, overwhelming, and questioning myself (again), I thought it was time to just keep this short and positiveish. It will be a while before I have the chance to write, grad school ending, surgery, a lot of decisions to make, before I know it, it will be fall, which will bring even more changes. So with a deep breath I will say that it has been quite the summer so far, and I'll sum it up shortly.
1. In a week, 6 credits of grad work will be under my belt. One step closer to my Masters in Counseling (and a bit of addition to my salary;)
2. Upcoming surgery August 11th. I pray all goes well,and that I am making the right decision. It's been a long time coming, medically necessary and I know I will feel so much better, it's something I can do for myself.
3. Lots of relaxing during the first part of summer, lots of running (pain free!), and lots of reading really good books.
4. Lots of stressing, major anxiety, and a lot left to figure out.
5. Getting ready to move out. Asserting my independence, is something I still struggle with, but I have to learn that its all going to be ok. I am adult now, and am capable of making informed adult decisions, with or without family support, I have to know I can do it.
6. Looking forward to catching up with people that I don't see often, somehow summer always slips away from me, and my free days seem few and far between. I hope people will realize that a big flaw of mine is not being able to balance. I value people in my life very much, and try to be very loyal and be a good friend, and I have to hope, at this point in my life, prolonged time and distance, doesn't get held against me. Instead, it makes you appreciate the time together that much more. I will become better at balance one day.
8. Lost my 15lbs I wanted to....a bit further to go, but a good start.
9. I love my new present to myself, my blackberry, and really don't know how I lived without it all this time.
10. Thankful for my grandparents, and while they struggle and have been sick a lot this summer, they are still here and alive, and that is more than most people have.
11. Extremely thankful, and grateful for good friends, who help pave the way for me to find myself, who I am, what I want, what is best for me and what I deserve. Their unconditional listening, understanding and support of me and their ways of always seeming to believe in me, more than I believe in myself, time and time again, makes me feel extraordinarily lucky and perhaps a bit hopeful, even on my worst day.
Till whenever....
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
New Horizons
I find myself having less time to update, I guess that is a good sign of being busy. Having said that.....
On some days, I feel fiercely independent, ready to take on the next 10 years of a lot of change and a lot of new adventures. But sometimes, I can hardly breathe, I find it hard to get up in the morning. I just feel heavy and defeated. It's just too much. It's hard to talk about it, because I cannot really explain it fully. It's like I feel trapped. But who understands that? I wonder what people REALLY think of me. I wonder if I will ever feel like a good enough person, and teacher and friend. When will I stop questioning if I am good enough? When will giving 100% to everything and everyone, doing my very best and being fiercely determined and loyal pay off? Not that I need it to "pay off" in a certain way, or get some reward, that is not what I mean at all...just reassurance, that all these characteristics I have in me, are good ones, that they are driving me towards my goals, that my compassion and hard work is worth something. Although maybe it already is, and I just cannot see it yet. I wonder if I will get to that place that everyone else seems to be at....just a place of happiness and contentment and accomplishing their goals, and when they fall having someone around to catch them unconditionally. It probably doesn't even make sense outloud, I just, cannot get it out in words these days outloud, so writing gets it off my chest I guess. I wish it would all go away sometimes, I wonder who would notice, who would care.
Well, Graduate school is in full swing, and I on most days I enjoy it. I forgot what REAL school was like. I am stressed with two classes, granted they are summer classes, 15 weeks squished into 6, I cannot even remember what it was like to take four and five classes in a semester at MSU. How did I do it??? And how did I 4.0 my way through it? I guess that was my job at that point and I really didn't think too much about it, just got into a routine. I really do like my classes though. Grad school is not hard, so far. Just a lot of reading, writing papers. One of my classes though is very interactive, I really enjoy it. Just with these first two classes, I already know that going for Counseling is the right thing for me. I enjoy it so much, on so many different levels. I like learning about something new; not just Spanish, curriculum, literacy, which I have learned about over and over. Not that you ever stop learning but this gives me a new perspective, a new environment, a new way to think about things, and really there is no better satisfaction that academic success, I truly thrive on it, and my 100%'s on my first quizzes and in-person counseling interviews, are the only thing these days that make me feel really good. School is what I am good at, I know I always have that to count on.
I am headed for surgery on August 11th. The day will finally come. I have wanted this for 10 years, and there is not one bit of me that is nervous. I pray that things go well and there are no complications, but I think this is one of those events that will be a turning point for me. I wrote the biggest check I have ever written in my entire life, and now things are official. It is almost surreal. I hope this leads me towards everything I hope it will.
After several weeks of things going really well, I find myself turning inward. I feel myself turning inward. I have learned through my classes actually that this is a long established defense mechanism of mine, turning inward and a sense of humor to deflect what I am actually feeling. It's interesting analyzing myself, although as my professor always says, "everyone now and then needs a check up from the neck up." I turn inward so I don't have to face reality. I turn inward to protect myself from getting hurt and lied to. I turn inward as a learned behavior that I have having been so burned in the past, and struggled so much with feeling like a worthless and defeated person. I laugh off my perfectionist personality, but it acts as a protector from failure and rejection. These both can sometimes come off as being angry, stand-offish. Certainly not intentional emotions, but effects of the defense mechanism ingrained in me. I am fully aware that I have many irrational thoughts about myself...that I have to be perfect, that there is only one right answer to every difficult situation, that I have to try to please everyone all the time....but changing our thought processes, is not an easy task. Even through therapy it takes time and effort to change those automatic thoughts we have about ourselves.
My goal is to focus on the here and now and replace some of those automatic negative thoughts with positive ones. There are so many paths my life can take this summer...one decision effects the rest. So which is the path that I should take? What do I do? What do I know? Not a huge religious person, but right now I kind of wish I was, maybe I need some divine intervention. But right now, I turn inward because it is what I know. I am struggling talking, to even those closest to me. I know it may come off as avoidance, I hope when I come back, people will understand that it was not avoidance, just me needing to spend some time sorting out my feelings. Everyone makes it look so easy. I want what everyone else has, and I want what nobody else has. I'm fine. Not great, not awful, just fine....but is that enough? and why do people always think there is something wrong when I say that? Who am I kidding, it is because they know me better than I know myself, and know that "fine" usually means there is something going on... there is, I just cannot name the emotion. I feel like I don't cope with things well, although a good friend and mentor of mine that I had lunch the other day told me what amazing coping abilities I have, ones that I am not even conscious of. I wish I could see them more often.
I think it's ok to feel like this sometimes, at this stage of my life, ok to be alone to process, ok to be confused, ok to withdraw as long as you know that if you come back, when you come back, I don't know if I can come back, but if I do, there will be a new horizon waiting, new choices, a clear path. And with that new horizon, I hope friends and family that understand it's what I had to do. And I thank the people, that despite me shutting down, break through my wall, and understand. It's the only thing that gets me through.
Better days ahead.
"Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down..."
On some days, I feel fiercely independent, ready to take on the next 10 years of a lot of change and a lot of new adventures. But sometimes, I can hardly breathe, I find it hard to get up in the morning. I just feel heavy and defeated. It's just too much. It's hard to talk about it, because I cannot really explain it fully. It's like I feel trapped. But who understands that? I wonder what people REALLY think of me. I wonder if I will ever feel like a good enough person, and teacher and friend. When will I stop questioning if I am good enough? When will giving 100% to everything and everyone, doing my very best and being fiercely determined and loyal pay off? Not that I need it to "pay off" in a certain way, or get some reward, that is not what I mean at all...just reassurance, that all these characteristics I have in me, are good ones, that they are driving me towards my goals, that my compassion and hard work is worth something. Although maybe it already is, and I just cannot see it yet. I wonder if I will get to that place that everyone else seems to be at....just a place of happiness and contentment and accomplishing their goals, and when they fall having someone around to catch them unconditionally. It probably doesn't even make sense outloud, I just, cannot get it out in words these days outloud, so writing gets it off my chest I guess. I wish it would all go away sometimes, I wonder who would notice, who would care.
Well, Graduate school is in full swing, and I on most days I enjoy it. I forgot what REAL school was like. I am stressed with two classes, granted they are summer classes, 15 weeks squished into 6, I cannot even remember what it was like to take four and five classes in a semester at MSU. How did I do it??? And how did I 4.0 my way through it? I guess that was my job at that point and I really didn't think too much about it, just got into a routine. I really do like my classes though. Grad school is not hard, so far. Just a lot of reading, writing papers. One of my classes though is very interactive, I really enjoy it. Just with these first two classes, I already know that going for Counseling is the right thing for me. I enjoy it so much, on so many different levels. I like learning about something new; not just Spanish, curriculum, literacy, which I have learned about over and over. Not that you ever stop learning but this gives me a new perspective, a new environment, a new way to think about things, and really there is no better satisfaction that academic success, I truly thrive on it, and my 100%'s on my first quizzes and in-person counseling interviews, are the only thing these days that make me feel really good. School is what I am good at, I know I always have that to count on.
I am headed for surgery on August 11th. The day will finally come. I have wanted this for 10 years, and there is not one bit of me that is nervous. I pray that things go well and there are no complications, but I think this is one of those events that will be a turning point for me. I wrote the biggest check I have ever written in my entire life, and now things are official. It is almost surreal. I hope this leads me towards everything I hope it will.
After several weeks of things going really well, I find myself turning inward. I feel myself turning inward. I have learned through my classes actually that this is a long established defense mechanism of mine, turning inward and a sense of humor to deflect what I am actually feeling. It's interesting analyzing myself, although as my professor always says, "everyone now and then needs a check up from the neck up." I turn inward so I don't have to face reality. I turn inward to protect myself from getting hurt and lied to. I turn inward as a learned behavior that I have having been so burned in the past, and struggled so much with feeling like a worthless and defeated person. I laugh off my perfectionist personality, but it acts as a protector from failure and rejection. These both can sometimes come off as being angry, stand-offish. Certainly not intentional emotions, but effects of the defense mechanism ingrained in me. I am fully aware that I have many irrational thoughts about myself...that I have to be perfect, that there is only one right answer to every difficult situation, that I have to try to please everyone all the time....but changing our thought processes, is not an easy task. Even through therapy it takes time and effort to change those automatic thoughts we have about ourselves.
My goal is to focus on the here and now and replace some of those automatic negative thoughts with positive ones. There are so many paths my life can take this summer...one decision effects the rest. So which is the path that I should take? What do I do? What do I know? Not a huge religious person, but right now I kind of wish I was, maybe I need some divine intervention. But right now, I turn inward because it is what I know. I am struggling talking, to even those closest to me. I know it may come off as avoidance, I hope when I come back, people will understand that it was not avoidance, just me needing to spend some time sorting out my feelings. Everyone makes it look so easy. I want what everyone else has, and I want what nobody else has. I'm fine. Not great, not awful, just fine....but is that enough? and why do people always think there is something wrong when I say that? Who am I kidding, it is because they know me better than I know myself, and know that "fine" usually means there is something going on... there is, I just cannot name the emotion. I feel like I don't cope with things well, although a good friend and mentor of mine that I had lunch the other day told me what amazing coping abilities I have, ones that I am not even conscious of. I wish I could see them more often.
I think it's ok to feel like this sometimes, at this stage of my life, ok to be alone to process, ok to be confused, ok to withdraw as long as you know that if you come back, when you come back, I don't know if I can come back, but if I do, there will be a new horizon waiting, new choices, a clear path. And with that new horizon, I hope friends and family that understand it's what I had to do. And I thank the people, that despite me shutting down, break through my wall, and understand. It's the only thing that gets me through.
Better days ahead.
"Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down..."
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