Mindfullness, in the moment

I have started on a new path, and on this new path I have been told to experiment with a concept called mindfulness. A Buddhist concept, not preaching Buddhism, but rather focusing on the now, the present. I was asked if I would be open to this. I am undecided. This cutting edge concept is known to cure anxiety, depression, guilt, eating disorders, even headaches....as well as increase happiness and quality of life. It's a mind game, no pun intended. With a focus on strengths, it is about focusing in the present, meditation perhaps, but for the anxious high strung mind, how does one stay mindful, intuitive, relearning what has been gone for so many years? My research has just begun, and I have not fully accepted the challenge of doing this.

However, I can say, that I am putting myself "out there" more so than ever before, by mere nature of staying in the present moment. I can tell you that there was a time when I never thought I would be understood. I felt like my world was crashing in, trapped by the past, and I was in a battle to find myself, what I stood for, and the intertwined rocky relationships in my life. As I slowly untangle myself from my past, I realize that I now have to feel what I have been holding in for so long. I have grown stronger, more experienced, and learned more than I ever thought was possible about myself and about other people.

I believe in the power of people, and what they can do to you, and for you. I don't believe there are bad people, I believe there are people that make bad choices, that have bad effects on the people in their lives. I focused on the bad far too long. I had the bad surround me for far too long, never realizing the good around me. Never realizing that you have to cultivate the good, and change your attitude towards the good. I believe in the goodness of people, again. Because of others, what they taught me, and what I in turn taught myself, I have become significantly more independent, understanding, compassionate, confident, risk-taking and re-found a part of myself that I lost.

I have realized the profound influence people can have on you---my body reacts to what people do and say to me. I take it in, for better and for worse, and sometimes all the input is hard for me to handle. I am working on healthy ways to handle it all while I am in the moment experiencing it. I have learned the hard way that handling the way that people effect me months and years and weeks later, is not productive.

In this holiday season, I am making it a priority to me mindful. And with mindfulness comes being grateful for what you have in the present moment. I am far from perfect, I struggle constantly with worrying that I will "scare" people off when I face an issue present, or past....but I am learning that the most important people in my life don't scare off that easily, no matter what issue I present them with. However, I think being grateful also means acknowledging that you are willing to grow, willing to learn, and grateful for how far you have come, rather than how far you have left to go. That is what I am trying to do.

I am mindful of the grave teaching economy in this state, and the fragility of my job in the future and so I am grateful for my job and making it half way through my second year of teaching. I do not love it as much as last year, but I am employed, able to live on my own, and still doing what I love. I am grateful that I have started my Masters Degree and I will be done with my MA before I am 26 years old. (Original goal was to be done by 30).

I am grateful for friends pushing me into new experiences.

I am grateful for my new baby cousin and living grandparents.

I have faith that all that I cannot talk about right now, I will be able to express in the future, always keeping myself a priority and other's feeling first.

I am mindful that relationships are learning experiences, I am confident that one day soon, I have prepared myself enough, I am happy enough with myself, that the right person will walk in, and I will realize why it never worked with anyone else.

I am mindful of my sense of humor and thankful that even on my worst day, I still have sarcasm on my shoulder and the ability to make my friends laugh, nothing makes me happier than making other people happy.

I am mindful that people have come into my life for a certain reason, they have left for a certain reason, and some remain for a certain reason:

In the book the Kite Runner, Hassan says to the main character:

"for you a thousand times over"

The true definition of the good in a person. The influence one person can have on you. Self-sacrifice. Doing something for others, before yourself, because it is a priority. I believe that you can be equally defeated and strengthened through other people. I have been both, but most recently I have been strengthened.

I am, in the present, completely mindful, of the fact that my life is filled with really unbelievable friends. My life is filled with many lost friendships, but being in the present moment, I realize now those were small bumps in the road that lead to me to a life filled with loyal, supportive, compassionate, friends, that are also funny as hell, and I truly would be lost without them, added together they have been in my life for over 12 years, and not being a huge fan of change, I take comfort in this. There are the few I have known since I have been 12 years old in middle school, that have seen me through every up and down, and have never once judged me for who I was, who I wasn't, what I was going through, always managed to keep in touch though our lives took very different paths. I find comfort in having people that have known me for so much of my life. There are the few that I met at Michigan State, that I truly didn't even appreciate fully until after I graduated. Their senses of humor and their ability to say it how it is, their ability to give me reality checks, they stood by me through every single terrible struggle in college, they helped me through some of the hardest parts of my life, without ever asking why, and they stood by me through every celebration and success. They are family to me. Then there are the few who I have not known terribly long, although it seems like I have known them for much longer. They have taught me to talk honestly again, without feeling guilty, they have redefined loyal, supportive, friendships 100x over, they have taught me understanding, and keeping a good cup on sarcasm on your shoulder when all else fails. They have made me feel comfortable with myself again, they have listened and listened again, and again at all hours of the day or night, crying or happy, cynical or practical, and never once judged. They have fought for me even when I wouldn't fight for myself and I recently realized that the deep cut I felt several years ago once and for all finished healing. The weight that was lifted was indescribable and it is the one thing these friends will never understand....but in a good way....it is something I will never be able to repay them for, but I am very grateful for.

And so I am mindful, and in the moment tonight, as I sign off with endless possibilities in the year 2010 ahead.
Happy Holidays, Happy New Year....be mindful, be in the moment, try to trust the process, I know I will be trying everyday.

With risk comes reward

I sit here watching the end of Glee, on this chilly December 2nd evening. On my couch, in the house I grew up in for the past 24 years. I realize suddenly that the rustling of papers in the kitchen from my mom, my dad randomly cleaning the top of the fridge in the middle of dinner, making family ice cream sundaes, Wednesday night dinners, pictures lining the walls from a curly top little girl to senior year....all will be behind me. I hear my mom crying because she cannot believe how fast this time went, I hear myself crying because I cannot wait to leave, then crying again because I realize how lucky I was to have such a great upbringing, family, and childhood. I am moving out. I am on my own. I am independent. I sometimes don't even feel like an adult. This is the right thing to do, it's been the right thing to do for such a long time, I am excited and thrilled, and yet I still have an incredibly nervous stomach.

Where did the time go? Really, I can see where my mom is coming from. I may not agree with a lot of what she says these days, but I do agree that time flies. I feel like I just graduated from high school, then just decided to go to MSU, then just decided to go to Spain, then just graduated, then just student taught, then just got my first job, then just got another job, these were 8 very quick years. With lots of memories, lots of lessons, and lots of change. I say I don't handle change well, but really, I am still here, still breathing, still successful, despite all of the change, and I have come a long way.

I think moving out is a risk. I think being completely financially independent is a risk. I think leaving my family is a risk. But a good friend of mine always tells me to push myself, because with risk comes reward. Not being a huge fan of risk, or new situations, I tend to shy away from risk because of the failure rate. I do not fail at anything. However, if you don't risk, you cannot reap the rewards either.

I started this blog one year ago. As a way to express what I was feeling, what I was thinking, sort through new changes, establish myself, help find myself. And as I look back at a years worth of the thoughts spiraling through my head, I realize how much I have grown, changed, and learned. And I can see how much I still have to learn, because I repeat the same behaviors over and over again. This is ok, if I am doing it over and over it just means I have not learned the lesson yet.

Let's see over the past year I mourned the loss of my old self: my college self, my college relationships, my college standards and habits and ways of life. I had to heal the wounds left from clinging onto student status, betrayal, and the tough lesson of disloyalty, getting your heart broken and years of memories to carry on your shoulder. With this pain came a lot of defense mechanisms and wondering why. I soon got a job that I fell in love with and it truly helped me heal in so many ways. I was meant to work at my middle school for so many reasons; comfort, and reassurance, self-confidence and growth, relationships with students that I will have forever, I will always remember my first year of teaching, these kids, and this school where placed in my life for a reason. Along with a great school and great kids, came great friends. Little did I know that a few months into my first teaching job, just a few short steps down the hall, some wonderful people were brought into my life. Professional mentors---of course, they showed me the ropes of teaching in more ways than one. But moreover, they took me in as if they knew me for years. They have taught me so much about my transition between kid and adult, asserting my independence, and learning it is ok to ask for help. They have helped me to open up without feeling judged, pushed me to be the best version of myself, and just plain listened when no one else would. They taught me about fiercely loyal, judgment free friendships, and that not all friends are the same. They showed me that venting and a huge sense of humor will get you through even the worst day. They instilled confidence in me, something that I have always lacked, and always crave. Every up and down, every success and failure, every piece of advice, going above and beyond for anything I need, and continue to need, someone bigger than me knew that I needed these people in my life....there is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that whatever life throws me, I don't have to hide it, there will always be someone there to listen, and more importantly stay...not run, from whatever comes my way.

And amongst all of this, I went on vacation to visit good friends, I went apartment searching and searching again, I joined a new gym, I started grad school, I ran my first 5k, I got another job, I ran another 5k, I developed MEJCUL with my best friend, I got my long awaited surgery, I saw Carrie Underwood...TWICE!, I saw my brother off to his second year at MSU, I saw how old age of my grandparents affects an entire family, I realized that I will never be perfect, but I will strive for it everyday probably for the rest of my life, I realized who matters in my life, why they were brought into my life, and what role they play...I am blessed with wonderfully loyal friends some, I had to wait quite a while for, but I realize why I had to wait, and why they were placed in my life at this time. Some I see everyday, some I see once a month, some I see once every six months. Some are phone friends, some are once a year friends, but no matter how much time passes, I could call any one of them at any time, any day and it be as if no time passed at all. Their loyalty, senses of humor, genuineness, intelligence, life experience, kindness, understanding, is just something that most people don't get to experience...I have a large handful of friends that support me in ways that I cannot even begin to thank them for...and that's the thing....I don't have to thank them, friendship is funny that way, as my friend says.

I realized that I love my family, and we don't agree a lot of time. I realized how much of my family is inside of me and a part of me, and I realized that myself and my family wish we could turn back time and do things differently. We all have a hard time living in the present moment and I strive to work on this.

There is so much to think about, so much to do, when it comes to finding yourself...who you are, what you want, what you have learned, what you need, where you see yourself, where you will end up. Passionately driven and motivated I want all the answers yesterday. I want control over what is happening and what has happened. I want to change the past, I want to control the future. But I can't and this is really hard for me. My body responds violently to this control issue and it is something I will probably struggle with for the rest of my life. It is another lesson I have to learn. I am also really grateful and happy for many things, and when I am happy and when I feel happy, I really relish it.

Finding out who you are is a risk. Change is a risk. These next few years of my twenties will be a risk. And as much that has changed in this past year, I can only imagine what the next year will bring. I will risk, with the thought it mind that with risk, comes reward. And I will not punish myself, I must make myself believe that I deserve the reward.