Throwing away the checklist

“I used to think that finding the right one was about the man having a list of certain qualities. If he has them, we'd be compatible and happy. Sort of a checkmark system that was a complete failure. But I found out that a healthy relationship isn't so much about sense of humor or intelligence or attractive. It's about avoiding partners with harmful traits and personality types. And then it's about being with a good person. A good person on his own, and a good person with you. Where the space between you feels uncomplicated and happy. A good relationship is where things just work. They work because, whatever the list of qualities, whatever the reason, you happen to be really, really good together.”
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming


I think we learn the most from those who are different from us. I have spent so much of my life, surrounded by people that are the SAME as me (because I fear change and uncertainty, and crave safety and sameness), that I didn't realize how much I can truly learn by those that are different from me. 

People who grew up less privileged than me, people whose families are drastically different than mine. Sure, it is frightening, and scary, but it also makes me question my deeply-rooted beliefs, prejudices, and what I truly value.

Just because I am no longer using a check-list of certain qualities to determine if a relationship will last does not mean I still do not have high standards. 

This quote explains my newfound beliefs about relationships. Maybe it is because I was in a relationship with someone who was so different from me, someone who grew up so differently than me, has a family so different than mine. It is not about how similar or in this case dis-similar we are, but rather realizing that a particular person does not have the harmful traits of those people in your past. They don't have the flawed personality types of people in your past. They are, to their core, a good , mature, person. When being together doing something, or doing nothing, feels good. There are no questions. No what if's. Things are natural, they do just truly work. 

I could check off a certain height, a certain education level, a certain commitment to family, a certain job, a certain salary...but where has that gotten me? Just plain hurt. I have dated the well educated, career-at-all-costs, financially well off, brilliant family type of guy. But I found that that lead to a spoiled life-style, with family and relationships coming last. 

And so now, I no longer check my qualities off my list. It isn't really about qualities. It is about a feeling of mutual love, respect, and commitment. Friendship. Allowing our differences to flourish. Embracing our scars.  I don't care how much money you make or your wonderful career or how wonderful or weird your family is. It is about the connection. Between you and me.

I have now learned that is about finding someone who doesn't change who they are or what they want. Stability. Someone who commits. Commitment, stability, embracing scars, not running, are not traits I can just check off a list. These are things that connect us. Things that must be shown, not checked off. 

As we enter 2013, I no longer use my well kept checklist that I have used for years to determine if a relationship will work. The check list is gone. It is now all about learning from my mistakes of the past, and avoiding harmful traits. The checklist is blank. Ready to be filled with my partner's own unique qualities he brings to the relationship. Please,be different from me, be drastically different from my original checklist, make me learn and grow and show how how to be a better person. 

Then, allow our different qualities to fold together, let us work, let us grow, and let 2013 be the year where all I have ever wanted becomes a reality and I will get my 100%.


“This is what I know. Don't settle for 40, 50, or even 80 percent. A relationship-it shouldn't be too small or too tight or even a little scratchy. It shouldn't take up space in your closet out of guilty conscience or convenience or a moment of desire. Do you hear me? It should be perfect for you. It should be lasting. Wait. wait for 100 percent.”
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming


 

A Tragedy, and a Corner of Happiness

My eyes are hooked to the TV. 
And I cry.
I cry so very deeply for the lost little angels in Conneticut's elementary school massacre. 
The whole world weeps, but as a teacher, I weep a bit longer, a bit harder, a bit deeper.

In the depths of who I am, I will always be a teacher. I will always be a learner.
My students, those who I influence, will always come first.

I am heartbroken. Cannot look, yet cannot pull myself away from the pictures, stories, and gut-retching details. I am numb.

What would I have done? How would my middle schoolers have reacted? What if this had happened where I teach? I hope to God I never know.

I never believed in heaven until my Grandma died. Now I do. And I hope these lost little angels are in heaven, where my Grandma lives, in a world that is peaceful without violence, where they are without pain, taken care of by the world's lost love ones. 

I have learned it is ok to be angry. It is what I do with the anger that is the important part. 
I am angry at the gunman, I am angry with many parts of my past. But with anger, comes hate, and that is somewhere I will not allow myself to go.

Life is short. 

The world is not perfect, people are not perfect, and my hope is that we can all just find a small corner of happiness in this world....a small space to be yourself, to love, to hope, to see that there is still good in the world.

Today marks a new day for me. 
A day of spreading goodness, hope, spirit, love.

I deserve to only be treated with goodness. When that disappears, I no longer wish to be surrounded by the people that bring me down. I send well wishes to the people of my past that have not treated me with goodness, and hope, they too, find their small corner of happiness in this world; and I hope they learn that committment to goodness, kindness, love, and strong relationships is the only way that one can ever find that small, secret corner of true happiness. 

Our vulnerabilities are what connect us.  I offer compassion to my younger, broken self. And I find myself filled with confidence, goodness, and love as I settle into my very own corner of happiness, gratitude and appreciation. My corner happens to also have a partner. A man. A very good man, whom I fall for more and more each day. Whose arms are safe. Whose heart is kind. Who commits to never wanting to change me. Who commits to a lifetime of ups and downs. Who will battle the violence in the world, quietly, by spreading our own goodness and love for each other and the causes that matter most to us.

To a world filled with bad, I have found my corner of good.

Rest in Peace Grandma, and the little angels of this terrible tragedy. I hope you find your corner of happiness up in heaven.

Pablo Neruda

Oh how I wish I would have found this Poem months ago. But then again, the meaning would of lost itself on me. Too  much pain. Now, it makes perfect sense.

“Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you

And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember....
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land”
― Pablo Neruda 

Life is very lonely when you make the choice to live it all alone. But this was not my destiny. Or my choice.

I made the decision several months ago to open my heart back up. Not look back. And find a "new land." That new land, just happened to open a door to a better future for me, without even knowing it. I am bursting with happiness and excitement for what is ahead. 

My tears watered the seeds for my future happiness.

I have come to the realize the truth in the saying  "that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny."

So much to look forward to this weekend....boyfriend time, dinner club, hanukkah party, I am soaking in the holiday season and how wonderful it feels to be so happy during this time of year.

Goodnight!

Hello Wonderful Winter

"We don't always understand the reasons why at the time," my grandma always told me. 
"But everything does happen for a reason."

I love the feeling of falling in love. And I question how I am falling so hard, for someone so different than everyone in my past. But the feelings are there, cautious, but present. I am held for hours, taken care of, celebrated, laughed with, talked to with the most inner core of true feelings. What a refreshing breath of air, that I can now breath in, to be with someone, who can accept me for who I am, no judgement, and can commit to a lifetime of me. I am humbled. The art of communicating real, true, feelings, being vulnerable and being treated with the respect of realizing that there are two people in a relationship; learning and growing together into a future that will bring me exactly what I want. 

My grandma watches over me. I feel her guidance. I feel her voice inside me. Cautious, Amanda, but let him in. Learn. Grow. Love. Hold on. And if you look closely, you can see our dreidel ornament:)

Thanksgiving Thoughts

I woke up, in the warmth of the arms of another, who looks at me like I am all that matters in the whole world.

I woke up, to friends, best friends, telling me they are thankful for me, and how strong I am.

I woke up, to my family, getting ready for our thanksgiving feast, with babies, and aunts, uncles, cousins, loud laughter, and being together. 

I woke up to acceptance, and love, and fun. 

I woke up to breakfast in bed.

Life has a strange way of working out. I have found strength in places that I thought would forever be insecure. I have a strong body, and a strong mind, and the ability to influence those around me.

I am a confident, grateful, strong, committed woman, passionate about those I love in my life.

I have standards, and will not accept anything less than being treated the very best. With respect, and acceptance, love, and commitment. 

I am committed to sharing my life experience, my life lessons, my passion with those around me, so they too know, that hurt does not last forever, and strength will find you when you least expect it.

I no longer waste time on those who run...life is not about running, but about staying, and appreciating. There will always be those who run, who cannot commit, who try to take back what has been done, but some paths are just paved in fate, what is meant to be, will be, and once you run off a particular path, you cannot return. My path changed this year, uunexpectedly, and  while I tried for a long time to get back on, I realized the path had ended. There was no more road. Only gravel, dust, and memories. 

And so I wake up on this Thanksgiving morning, on a new path, paved just by me, paved with answers and my future, a family, kids, a new career, a new relationship blossoming....and how thankful I truly am on this beautiful morning. 

To life. To holding on. To never settling. To accepting what is meant to be. To angels watching over me.      

GOOD IN GOODBYE

My two favorite jams right now. One by Beyonce, very vindictive, angry, but empowering, the other, by Carrie Underwood, softer, lighter, but the message remains the same. While it may hurt, while it may tear you apart, one day, sooner rather than later, you will find the GOOD in GOODBYE. It will come in pieces, little bites of insight, and you will one day, understand the reasons why.

BEYONCE

What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
I say what goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around...

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I must've been out of my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I, I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
I thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
So baby good lookin' out

[Chorus:]
I wanted you bad
I'm so through with that
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
You turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
And I'm gonna' always be the (best thing you never had)
Oh yeah, I bet it sucks to be you right now

So sad, you're hurt
Boo hoo, oh, did you expect me to care
You don't deserve my tears
I guess that's why they ain't there
When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and baby yes I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
I thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
Baby good lookin' out

[Chorus:]
I wanted you bad
I'm so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
I said, you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
And I'll never be the (best thing you never had)
Oh baby I bet sucks to be you right now

I know you want me back
It's time to face the facts
That I'm the one that got away
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye.

[Chorus:]
I used to want you so bad
I'm so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
Oh you turned out to be (the best thing I never had)
And I will always be the (best thing you never had)
Oh, best thing you never had!

I used to want you so bad
I'm so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
Oh you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)
Oh, I will never be the (best thing you never had)
Oh baby, I bet it sucks to be you right now

What goes around, comes back around
What goes around, comes back around
I bet it sucks to be you right now
What goes around, comes back around
I bet it sucks to be you right now
What goes around, comes back around
I bet it sucks to be you right now! 

CARRIE

I heard you laughing in a crowd outside a restaurant we used to go to
I caught a glimpse that stopped me in my tracks
It took me back
You looked happy with that little girl up on your shoulders, happy
I know where she got those crystal eyes of blue
Time’s been sweet to you

[Chorus:]
As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Sometimes, yeah, sometimes, there’s good in goodbye

I don’t regret it
The time we had together
I won’t forget it
But we both ended up where we belong
I guess goodbye made us strong
And yeah I’m happy
I found somebody too who makes me happy
And I knew one day I’ll see you on the street
And it’d be bittersweet

[Chorus:]
But as bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Yeah, sometimes, yeah sometimes, there’s good in goodbye
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Outro:]
As bad as it was, yeah, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you got to let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Yeah, someday you’ll see the reason why
There’s good in goodbye, yeah
Yeah

There's good in goodbye, mmm  

Quote For The New Office

When I get my new job I am blowing this up on the wall: how beautifully worded.
I am so lucky to have people who have been there for me, decided to stay, and not run.
I will instill hope in others, that they too, can feel the love of friendship during their darkness. 
Empowerment.
Change.
Bravery.
Hope.

Shifting Sense of Self

Two of the most powerful quotes, I have ever come across. Literally have shifted my sense of self. 
As I grow happier each day, I understand that:

 "since most of our hurts come through our relationships, so too, will our healing."
---William P. Young


“Wounding and healing are not opposites. They're part of the same thing. It is our wounds that enable us to be compassionate with the wounds of others. It is our limitations that make us kind to the limitations of other people. It is our loneliness that helps us to to find other people or to even know they're alone with an illness. I want to spend my life, helping people,with the  parts of myself I used to be ashamed of. ” 
--Rachel Naomi Remen

“Pain is a pesky part of being human, I've learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can't be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.” 

-- C. JoyBell

The Fight

The Fight



If you love her, you gotta fight.

Fight hard, my friend, for she will be gone.

Doesn’t matter what she says or said,

Doesn’t matter what she did or didn’t do,

If you love her, you gotta fight.


She is stubborn and independent,

A fiery soul.

Passionate and caring,

Someone worth fighting for.


Shout it from the top, shout it out loud,

If she is worth it, then fight, be proud!


Fight for the hugs, kisses, and fights.

Fight for forgiveness, and making it right.


Know what you want, she doesn’t have time to wait,

When you are ready, when your mind has been made up,

Decide if she is worth the fight.


Fight through the silence, the good times, the bad,

Fight for the memories you had.


Do you miss her every second of every day?

Is it hard to make the pain go away?

Fight hard, kind sir, fight 'till the end,

For a new "prince-charming" may just come along,

And help her heart mend.


If she isn’t worth the fight, if you have changed your mind,

Then let her fly, and move on to this other guy.


A guy that WILL fight for her, fight for what’s right,

Fight for treating her well, with all his might.


Fight for the humor, and the laughs,

For a family, for traditions, and for a life that lasts.


Fight for romance, and making her feel special,

Each day and each night, support her, as she takes flight.

Fight for her respect, her love, her trust,

Knowing all along, that this alone, will always be enough.


I am worth the fight!

Happy Birthday to me!

I love 27 already!

My latest mantra, and new photo frame saying. Excited for the changes coming my way!

A List of Learning

As I approach my 27th birthday this weekend, I contemplated what to write. 

A poem. A story. The roller coaster this last year has been. But then I decided it was my choice to look forward. My choice to dwell on the past or look toward the future. And I am choosing the positive route forward. I came across this list in the Chicago Tribune (written by a person approaching his 50th birthday) and was touched by it. So for the weekend, headed into the big 27, I will leave you with this list. I admire its honesty, and how much it truly "hits home."

My favorites: 1, 9, 11, 17, 21, 41, 44, 50...well all of them really:)

1. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

2. Promptness shows respect.

3. You can’t avoid offending people from time to time. When you don’t mean it, apologize.

4. The first person to use the expression “Get a life!” in any dispute is the loser.

5. Find your soul mate at all costs. And no, there is not just one person for everyone. With enough hard work, effort, love, patience, and commitment, anyone can become your soul mate.

6. The most valuable thing to have is a good reputation, and it’s neither hard nor expensive to acquire one: Be fair. Be honest. Be trustworthy. Be generous. Respect others.

7. Prejudice and bigotry is hard-wired into us. You can’t overcome it until you acknowledge it.

8. Don’t be bothered when people don’t share your tastes in music, sports, literature, food and fashion. Be glad. You’d never get tickets to anything otherwise:)

9. Every person needs to enter therapy at least once in their life, it helps you find a sense of self.

10. Empathy is the greatest virtue. From it, all virtues flow. Without it, all virtues are an act.

11. The Golden Rule is the greatest moral truth. If you don’t believe in it, at least try to fake it.

12. Keeping perspective is the greatest key to happiness. From a distance, even a bumpy road looks smooth.

13. Don't let anyone treat you with anything less than the very best. No matter what circumstance.

14. It’s not “political correctness” that dictates that we try not to insult others’ beliefs and identities. It’s common decency.

15. It may not feel like it, but it’s good luck when you have people at home and at work who aren’t afraid to tell you when you’re wrong.

16. It’s 10 times easier to fall in love than to stay in love. And no matter what the sad songs say about romance, broken hearts do mend.

17. Don’t waste your breath proclaiming what’s really important to you. How you spend your time says it all.

18. Keeping an open mind is as big a challenge as you get older as keeping a consistent waistline.

19. It’s never a shame when you admit you don’t know something, and often a shame when you assume that you do.

20. Wounds heal faster under bandages than they do in the open air.

21. Fear of failure is a ticket to mediocrity. If you’re not failing from time to time, you’re not pushing yourself. And if you’re not pushing yourself, you’re coasting.

22. Anyone who judges you by the kind of car you drive or shoes you wear isn’t someone worth impressing.

23. Grudges are poison. The only antidote is to let them go.

24. If you’re in a conversation and you’re not asking questions, then it’s not a conversation, it’s a monologue.

25. In everyday life, most “talent” is simply hard work in disguise.

26. Great parents can have rotten kids and rotten parents can have great kids. But even though biology plays a huge role in destiny, that’s no excuse to give up or stop trying.

27. Four things that most people think are lame but really are a lot of fun:staying in pajamas all day, karaoke, long road trips, writing love notes.

28. Two cheap, easy self-improvement projects: Develop a strong handshake and start smiling when you answer the phone.

29. When something that costs less than $200 breaks and it’s not under warranty and you can’t fix it yourself in half an hour, it’s almost certainly more cost-effective to throw it out.

30. Most folk remedies are nonsense, but zinc really does zap colds.

31. Physical attraction is nice, but shared values and a shared sense of humor are the real keys to lasting love.

32. To keep dental visits regular, schedule your next appointment on your way out from your last appointment.

33. The 10-minute jump start is the best way to get going on a big task you’ve been avoiding. Set a timer and begin, promising yourself that you’ll quit after 10 minutes and do something else. The momentum will carry you forward.

34. Laundry day is much easier when all your socks are the same and you don’t have to sort them.

35. Candor is overrated. It’s hard to unsay what you’ve said in anger and almost impossible to take back what you’ve written.

36. Goals that you keep to yourself are just castles on the beach. If you’re determined to achieve something, tell people about it and ask them to help you stick with it.

37. Mental illness is as real as diabetes, arthritis or any other disease, and no more disgraceful. It’s the stigma that’s disgraceful.

38. In crisis or conflict, always think and act strategically. Take time to take a 360 view. How will the situation effect your life 5 years from now.

39. All the stuff you have lying around that you’ll never want, need, wear or look at again? It just makes it harder to find what you do want, need or intend to wear. File it, donate it or throw it out.

40. Exercise does not take time. Exercise creates time.

41. Almost no one gives compliments often enough.

42. It pays to keep handy a list that includes a trusted plumber, electrician, locksmith, appliance repair specialist and heating contractor. When you really need one is no time to start looking.

43. The store-brand jelly, cereal, paper goods, baking supplies and pharmacy products are good enough.

44. When you mess up, ’fess up. It’s the fastest way, if there is one, to forgiveness. Fight for what or who you love, despite everyone and everything telling you otherwise. The fight, shows that you have priorities.

45. When you’re not the worst-dressed person at a social event, you have nothing to worry about.

46. Be truthful or be quiet. Lies are hard to keep track of.

47. Your education isn’t complete until you've learned to compromise.

48. Whatever your passion, pursue it as though your days were numbered. Because they are.
49. You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
50. The people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

10/10

Today reminds me 

Of change.

Of mixed emotions.

Of how life surprises you.

Of how life crushes you.

Of how important it is to be true to yourself.

Of confusion.

Of sadness.

Of happiness.

Of home.

Of firsts.

Of lasts.

Of memories past.

Of broken hearts.

Of newfound love.

Of decisions.

Of choices.

Of wondering why.

Of running away.

Of meant to be.

Of meant to be only for a time.

Of things happen for a reason.

Of wondering why, again.

Of second chances.

Of broken promises.

Of learning.

Of growing.

Of building a life.

Of trying to figure out emotions.

Of trying to figure out what feels right.

Of trusting fate.

Of trusting time.

Of deserving to be treated the best. Only the very best.

Of starting over......hoping it will all be meant to be in the end.

Maybe.

Surprise Flowers

I love surprises.
I love the beginning.

Respect. And Truth. And Enjoyment.

I love learning.
I love loving.

And I love opening the front door to a boy holding these....

Good night online world. Looking forward to another great weekend, some out of town guests, and Ph.D. programs. Life is moving forward.

Some Important Lessons I learned during the last few months of being 26.

A few quotes that sum up what I have learned before my 27th birthday in a few weeks.....

Source: bitsotruth.blogspot.com via Amanda on Pinterest

Source: bitsotruth.blogspot.com via Amanda on Pinterest

Source: bitsotruth.blogspot.com via Amanda on Pinterest

Source: siblondelegandesc.ro via Amanda on Pinterest

Source: bitsotruth.blogspot.com via Amanda on Pinterest

A Holy Day

As the Jewish holidays came and went this year, I celebrated them in a bit of a different way. Embracing my faith, my culture, my tradition, in my own way. Not in the way that was imposed on me as I was growing up, but instead, looking inside myself, finding my connection to my culture, and what it truly means to be Jewish. 

In two very small summaries it comes down to this

1. New beginnings are a necessity, it forces us to to look deep within ourselves, look for what needs to be changed and learned from, and then put it into action. (Rosh Hashanah)

2. Forgive myself; as I realize that the bad came from good intentions. Next, for those I wronged, I ask their forgiveness. Finally, be passionate and strong in what I believe in; never back down. (Yom Kipper). 


This Fall, being Jewish means connecting to those who I love. Especially those who have passed away. Learning from their wisdom even when they are not physically here. Realizing the good in people. Realizing the good in taking chances; for it is within those chances that the vision of what I want for my life (a family, kids, a husband, a Ph.D) starts to become a reality. Learning lessons from every situation. This Jewish new year...I will start my search for the "good." The good in myself, the good in others, the good in new opportunities, the good in new relationships, the good in past relationships, and the good in changing myself to become the best person I can be.

A happy New Year. A sweet one. An easy Yom Kipper fast. And to your own search for goodness.

A good thought for the new year:

So often, we think of teshuvah as “getting rid of the bad.” That approach can lead to self-condemnation or even hopelessness. Many rabbis and teachers have suggested instead that we search for the good—what was the good motivation even in a bad act? What is the good lesson that can come out of a bad decision? Where and how can teshuvah turn bad relationships into friendships, or at least grudges into forgiveness? Rather than banishing the evil, can we simply crowd it out with the good? For every sin or bad habit you are trying to banish, install a new, positive practice to replace it. Consider: how might you fill your thoughts, your daily schedule, even your dreams with goodness? It’s not that we give ourselves leave to deny the bad, the tarnish, the damage. It’s that we don’t focus there one minute longer than it takes to uncover the lesson, find our pure core, and make a different decision. –Rabbi Debra Orenstein

Fall Magic

I wake with covers pulled way up high on my bed, 

a cool breeze from the window,

and I know Fall is in the air. 

The wisdom of the season change, 

gives me hope and spirit,

the air, so cool, blows through me.

The days are shorter, but the season seems to last forever 

in my mind, 

those smells of Fall magic, 

can only be found a few months of the year,

and I take it all in.

Apple cider, carmel applies, slushies and Fall bike rides,

Halloween, cinnamon, pumpkins, and friends,

a season for change, a time to reflect.

Baseball games and football, long walks in downtown, 

stepping on the fresh leaves with someone new, 

feel that Fall magic through your intertwined hands.

 Passion and colors, red and orange and gold, 

how can you be sad, when there is so much beauty around?

The strength of the season, the start of something new, 

courage, and growth, and smiles,

oh Fall, how I do love you.

The thick apple cider, the smell of cinnamon sugar,  pumpkin spice

light jackets and warm sun, 

all of this Fall Magic, oh, it has only just begun. 

Give this magic a chance, a place to grow and change
Color it with love and see what remains.
Right now we must say goodbye to summer, like saying goodbye to an old love.
Embrace the new season upon us, and see what will come
But old loves and seasons will always come back, but each as a new opportunity
too see what may have lacked.

So goodnight, Fall magic air, rest well in the coolness of your season
Wrap yourself in the magic of the breeze,
Listen softly to the wind and calm,
Be still sweet, sweet, Fall, 
For you are really the best season of all.

Healing in Progress

I am healing. Day by Day. And this weekend, proved to me, that because I am committed to stay on that trail, good things have come my way. I have not rushed it. I have listened to my heart, head, and body.

I spent the weekend with wonderful friends, new company and old, and noticed my sadness fading. A subtle anger set in, and I knew I had to change something. As the quote I found suggests, with anger, comes change. And so I did something. I only have control over me, and my actions. It was time for me to become empowered, and find my happiness. I end this Monday evening with a smile. And ready to start a brand new school year.

Good night. 

Be kind, always.

“Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.”

"And when you begin to miss me, don't forget it was you who let me go."

Quote of the Day

Life is all about relationships. The peaks and the valleys. Those who are by your side, and those who leave your side. And those who you learn from along the way. This totally shifted my sense of self when I found it. 

"If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present during my success." 

 -Unknown

Maybe, Maybe Not

I am loving this new article I found by this Psychologist who created Nourishing the Soul. She talks about the effects of body-image in relationships (Confronting Love), and really focusing on the present moment. Are moments really good or bad? What if you are so focused on the events, that you miss the new opportunities. I really took this article (below) and applied it to my life this week. And wow. Amazed. Happy Labor Day Weekend. Be kind, always.


Maybe, Maybe Not: Mindfullness

Happy Birthday

Today went as follows:

sleep.sleep.sleep.

poptarts.

hang with Angela on her 27th bday.

frozen margaritas.

mexican.

presents.

journaling.

some hopeful news 

and this....

Reducing Stigma

I think, when I grow up, and grow into my Psychology field career, I want to go into advocacy and education. I still want to sit with clients and do therapy, but I think there is a bigger purpose in the field of mental health.

I often wonder "why me?" Why is all this happening to me? And on this very early morning, it clicked. My experiences, my personal experiences will allow me to create empathy, personal understanding, personal education, and real experience with the real issues of the human experience. This, coupled with my formal education, theory, and intervention strategies will undoubtedly be beneficial to advocate and educate the community about mental health issues.

There is such a stigma around depression, eating disorder, Bi-polar disorder (to just name a few). Mental health issues, unlike cancer, or heart disease or diabetes, is seen as a problem in our minds. Something we cannot see. Something we do not understand. Something we do not talk about. How is depression; a true chemical imbalance in your brain, any different from diabetes, a true insulin/sugar imbalance in your blood? Is it really any different? Or is it just how people perceive the two illnesses? What is the difference between taking insulin shots and take anti-depressants? They both help the imbalance, and essentially alleviate symptoms to lead a productive, healthy life. Both disease need support and ongoing treatment. Patience from loved ones. So why is one, treated so different from the other. 

I think that is where my work comes in. Education. I think I have realized I will always be in education, but I will be educating in a different way. I will be advocating for what I have personally struggled with. I am not sure why I never thought of this people, but over the last few days I have been struggling and I felt very alone. I have to constantly remind myself that I never have to struggle alone. Fortunately, I am surrounded by many that understand what I am dealing with. They have educated themselves and found patience within themselves to help me. It is so important to understand that when dealing with mental health issues, there is help. For the sufferers and their partners. It is not something to be scared of, or to run from. It is something to educate yourself about. 

The number of people who suffer from a mental health problem are astonishing (http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml)

Yet, people do not get the help they need out of pure ignorance from those around them.

Today, I ask everyone reading this, everyone who has happened about this page, to educate yourself about mental health issues. Look at the people in your life, look for the warning signs, make sure they are not suffering alone. Have patience. Realize their intentions. Realize that they are not lazy, or incompetent or sick, or crazy...they are struggling, trying to find their way, just like everyone else. And they just need some different tools, and friends, to be able to heal.

Here are a few websites that can START to help you understand.

Be kind. Always.

Help A Loved One with Depression

National Mental Health Alliance...A Great Educational Resource

What A Difference A Friend Makes

Happy Wedding

After an absolutely beautiful, romantic, lovely evening being in the Perko-Brown wedding, I realized what commitment is all about. It not about the looks. It is not about the excitement. It is not about what you hide or show. It is about committing to the every day. It is about waking up each day, knowing each day will be different. Loving when you know sometimes the other person doesn't love themselves. It is about sharing a lifetime. It is about humor. It is about not wanting to change a thing. Accepting imperfections. It is about spending time with each other...forever. It is overwhelming, but the risk is so worth the reward. It was an emotional wedding for me. I mean, I always cry, but this was a different cry. A cry for happiness for friends, a cry for longing for me. I want that life, I want the the commitment to the everyday. The good and the bad. The ups and the downs. These two have taught me that even through the worst of times, the trying times, the disconnect, there are people who stay through it all. Not everyone runs. First relationships do last. They restore my faith in realistic love.

The Woman I Love 

This song reminds me of what I will wait for. I don't know how long I will wait. I hope it is not too long. Today has been real struggle. I hold onto courage, and the strong, faithful, loyal group of wonderful friends that surround me in every moment, good or bad. The ones that didn't ever let me dance alone last night. The ones that believe I will find my husband one day, and the ones that will be standing up next me, on my wedding day, to represent all that they have meant to me. 

And with this...I am off to try to enjoy my last week of summer vacation. Praying (yes you heard me right) that this kind of marriage and happiness comes to me one day soon. And wishing two dear friends, a lifetime of happiness. 

Voice It!

Tonight, I listen to the voice that speaks inside me. Tonight, I ventured onto new adventures. Tonight, I experienced new perspective. Without fear. With an open mind. And I listened. And I will continue to listen. Last night, I looked at my grandmother's picture hanging in my room, and I talked to her. Just flat out at a conversation with a picture. Asking for answers, for good things to come my way. And I'll be damned, I got the phone call this afternoon that may change my entire career.  And tonight, I got a glimpse of how much of my life is ahead of me. Maybe I do believe in fate. Maybe I do believe in something bigger than me. No one can decide what is right for me, except for me. And so, I listen. And tonight, today, I feel I did what was right FOR ME, in the moment, no one else involved, just inner voice, inner comedian, inner confidence, and I know this is heading down the right path. Changes...they are a comin'.....

You really understand the lyrics of music when you go through the lyrics of life

"The only way to really know, is to really let it go."
-Ingrid Michaelson

 

So what is the line between sacrifice and settling? That is the question of the day folks. How much to you sacrifice of yourself for another? How much do you settle? I think settling is all about your own standards. It is how you view yourself and what you think your worth is. While sacrifice is a selfless act of doing for another, and doing for yourself, an act that is not always easy, but needed. 

 The definition of sacrifice is as follows:

the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.
___________________________________________________________________________________

So today, it was decided to sacrifice something very important to me, for the sake of something better. A better self, a better life, a better relationship. I don't view this sacrifice as settling at all. In fact, in this sense, I think because I refuse to settle, I had to sacrifice. Sacrifice something and someone that made my world complete, in hopes that something or someone will make that world even MORE complete. Maybe it is time that is needed to make my world more complete, to allow me to grow, sacrifice who I was, into who I will become. Maybe in time, the sacrifice I made, the sacrifice "we" made will pay off and bloom into something new, equally as beautiful, and something where neither of the parties involved have to sacrifice.

On the other hand, sometimes sacrifice means truly letting go. Letting go of all it. To allow something better, and new, and different to enter. How can you move forward, how can you truly know if you are meant to be with someone,  if you are still holding to an old relationship and old memories. Ingrid Michaelson hit the nail on the head on that one. 

As much of a strong believer of fate and signs as I am, I am also a big believer in not settling for anything less than everything. I want it all. And while some my look at that as unrealistic, I do not believe it is. I want the education, and the doctorate, and the growth as a person, and a partner that will grow with me and raise a family with those same values. I don't know who that partner is right now. The fact is, I won't know until some day in the future. The unknowns are very challenging, emotional, and confusing. 

But I believe in personal growth and change and being in the moment. I believe in readying yourself for what you may face in the future. I believe we all have lessons to learn and sacrifices to make. Relationships don't work unless you make sacrifices and they sure don't work if you settle for less than you deserve. 

So where is that line between sacrifice and settling? Is there a line? Are they opposite of each other? Related? Or maybe the same? See more confusion. All I know is that a big sacrifice has been made today in the name of not settling for what this relationship has to offer in the moment. 

It is scary, but healthy.

And with this, I let go. Fully let go. In time, I do believe I will feel and see the truth. And in time, we will see what the future holds. I very much hope that the sacrifices made today will be worth it tomorrow.

To self-improvement, love, self-worth, growth, learning, breaking down, and building up...a good-bye to the end of one of the toughest summers of my life, and onto a fall of new adventures....

Message for This Monday

So friends, do we like the new theme? I needed  a change. A new perspective. To match with my life.

So I changed things up. Looking at things from a different perspective. While I am taking the time to look at my life in a new way, I also have the understanding that I am who, what, and where exactly where I am supposed to be. Learning. Growing. Holding On.

Afternoon Jam

My song for this afternoon jam

Afternoon Jam #2

Words

The Perfect Words For This Evening

Quoting Through Life...Something to Think about

So what makes a perfect couple? Can opposite really attract? What is the likelihood you find a long-term partner that enjoys EVERYTHING you do? This particular quote really hits home for me. My belief is that there is not one man that exists that will like everything I like, nor will I like everything he likes. It is about dealing with our differences, how we deal with our incompatibility that proves that a relationship can last.

Compromise is so important in any relationship. It is easy when things are good, it's when adversity hits that compromise is key.

This is my life goal. This kind of partnership. Love. Commitment. Neither person ever giving up on the other. 

I am not a very religious person. But I like the image of this, and I like the words. It helps be have hope, faith, and belief that there are wonderful possibilities ahead even when we don't see them right now.

I have always done this. I will always do this. I'm not sure if it gets be any further ahead, I am not sure that it is always returned to me, but as this quote says, it is a wonderful legacy to leave behind. And I pride myself on being a good person.

Oh, laughter. Sarcasm. The ability to laugh at yourself, others, and make others laugh. Without laughter, I would not be where I am today. It helps me grow, it helps relationships grow, it's what makes life worth it. Entertaining. Inspiring.

I think we all grow up with a plan for ourselves. We have an idea of what we want, where we see ourselves, where we want to go. For someone like me, I like plans. I like to follow that plan. And I expect that plan to come true. Then, the last few months came and I realized the plan you had for yourself can change in a matter of seconds. Everything you hoped, dreamed, wished for, came true and then was shattered into pieces by the person you loved most. Hurt. Disappointed. Sad. Depressed. Frustrated. Grief. Questions. But maybe there is more to life than our plan. Maybe part of my plan is to learn that you can't always count on your plan. To learn to be flexible. To see that there is a life, so much better, just waiting for me; and if I was trapped in my past life and past relationships I would never have the life I was mean to have. And that plan, is the one that is meant to be. I am a good person. I deserve good. I will find a good life that is waiting for me.

I actually found this quote years and years ago back in college. It was the one quote that got me through one of the most challenging times of my life. It needs no further explanation. It hits home. It brings comfort.

 Pushing myself through to my final days of summer with new people prospects, new job prospects, getting prepared for the life that is waiting for me.

"I suppose that since most of our hurts come through our relationships, so will our healing." 

-A

Re-Reading and Neuro-Psych

So I found this quote that I loved. So true. To so many.

THEN...

I was told to watch this TED TALK by Helen Fisher, anthropologist. That studied the brain, in love. This is why I want to go into psychology so badly. It is SOO interesting. The same levels of serotonin chemicals found in OCD clients, are also found in clients that have just ended a serious romantic relationship. And we, as a culture, wonder why, after a break-up, you can't stop thinking of the other person. It's totally bio-chemical, and so interesting. Doesn't make it suck any less, but at least there is science behind it.

http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love.html

Paths Paved in Fate

Paths paved in fate, always lead home

Send me a letter or pick up the phone

Don't let our ending be filled with total silence

When we've lived our whole lives out loud

I'm sitting here being told not to take blame, 

being laughed at by the crowd

I watch life pass by on the sidelines

I miss the two of us on those city streets

Believing our journey would never be complete

Passion in the air and I was floating away

With you to another world

In love with the one I adore, I would do anything for

But then the streetlights shine the truth

And I have to tell myself I will be fine

I no longer have you by my side

But paths paved in fate always lead home

My broken heart will have to mend

Learning to now be my own best friend

Until the day, we reunite, when the timing will be just right

I'll make the money and follow my own dreams

Adjust to the calm that beats through the walls

Onto the arms of another, trying something new

But always waiting for that path that leads back to you

My heart can't wait forever, for now though, it will skip a beat and wait

So you can take your time, make your plans, and realize

You will only shine on the path paved in fate that leads you back home

Work your hours and travel your world for miles

Come home to empty walls of memories

Was it all worthwhile?

Go ahead, fall into the arms of someone new,
Believe me, it won't feel the same as me and you.

You will soon realize that all you left, was really all you ever had.

So please.....Push me, take me, we will grow together

Into something new,
Don't run, don't hide, 
Be a man, and take my hand
This is our wild ride

Nothing good happens unless you are scared

So push the limits of your soul

Learn how far you can push towards your goal

But don't push away, push towards that path

Follow that path paved with fate...it will lead you back to me.

I've moved on. I am strong. I have learned about the person I want to be.

With a stronger skin, and a patched up heart, please, hold me, and tell me this was all meant to be.

I see your face, the streetlight shines the truth back to me
Your far and near
Getting closer, I hear
You've had second thoughts, you've tried the other side
But fate was calling all along
So listen to that song, it's calling your name
on that path paved with fate, calling you home, where you belong.