I am here on my bed, propped up on pillows surrounding my entire body. I feel a sense of relief and disbelief and a bit of anxiety. Who is this new person, who is this new me? My surgery was a wonderful success, and I am very thankful. My surgeon was worth every (thousands) of pennies that I spent. This has, knock on wood, been a very easy recovery. Maybe it is because I have a high pain tolerance, maybe it is because I have wanted this for over 10 years, maybe because I finally feel I deserve it. Either way, I feel like I am in the body I am supposed to be in at 23 years old, and could not be happier. So many of my insecurities were wrapped up into this, so many of my jokes, so many of friends could tell you stories by the hundreds about every time I complained, cried, joked, and just laughed it off....but they left a much bigger scar (no pun intended) than everyone even saw. I am thankful for all my friends and family who saw me through this from beginning to end, who visited me just hours out of surgery, who came and visited just to check in, thinking of you flowers and cards, a simple text message or an email saying how happy they were for me, taking me out to lunch, supporting me in this big decision, and offering to do anything and everything they can to help. How incredibly lucky am I?
They say that certain events mark the first half of our life from our second, and I believe that this will be a defining moment.
First, it redefined what I thought of my mom and our rockyish relationship over the last few months. It made me realize what a caring and wonderful person she is and how she is willing to go above and beyond for me, and just wants the best for me in everything I do. It made me realize that because I am adult now, with decisions differing from her own, and I need to have more patience with her, because no matter what happens she has had many hours of patience for me(most of the time). I am thankful for her, and we do not see eye to eye on a lot lately, but it is the nature of growing up and out of the house, I think I have a clearer perspective on that now. I will continue to assert my independence, and I will not back down, but she is coming around a lot to new ideas and processing my opinion on things. It's going to be a rocky road, but I will come out independent, and still maintain our relationship. It will take time, and patience, and practice, and many more tears and advice from friends, but it will be ok.
Second, my surgery has given me a new start. A new me. A new way to look at myself and for others to look at me. This surgery comes at a time of great transition, life transition, work transition, friend transition, family transition, and I use transition instead of change because it is easier to swallow for me. With a newfound confidence, and great transitions upon me, it is time to take a deep breath and move forward with the next stage of my life. I feel so happy, this decision was 10 years in the making.... Time just seems to fly, but the memories will remain.
Third, my new work makes me anxious and nervous and a bit apprehensive, but a good friend of mine told me that sometimes in life you have to risk a little to be happier in the long run, if you never take a risk you may never know how happy you could have been. And it is with that thought that I step face first into this new adventure, into a profession that I love, just in a new environment, with the possiblity of new ideas, growth, support and relationships. There is a feeling in my gut that this new position is going to lead me down a very good road, and I am excited to see where it takes me (although the type-A in me just kind of wants to see 6 months from now to see exactly what this GOOD is at the end of the path)
Because I was born with this personality, of course I am nervous and scared and wondering if I will be able to survive this all...but I think that these are all normal feelings. As I grow older, and live through more experiences, and meet new people, I am finding that it is OK to feel these things and as I take it all the advice and experience of those that have done this before, I start to gain a better sense of what I want, who I am, and where I see myself in the next five years. Being a planner this makes me feel very good, but also very nervous that the road set out ahead is not "set in stone" there are a lot of unknowns, but with the belief that I will end up in a better place.
I think this is my year. My school year. Good things are going to happen. People have been placed into my life that have taught me to trust my gut, taught me that I am making good decisions, taught me that the past cannot be relived and you have to be able to sleep with yourself at night knowing that you did the right thing for yourself and your family and friends. Change can be good. (DID I SERIOUSLY JUST SAY THAT??). Change means that I have changed, and I needed to. In certain ways, I blamed myself for too much that was out of my control, I tried too hard to recapture things that I was better off without, I don't regret it because it proved to me how passionate I am for what I believe in and what a great quality that is, but it also made me learn how much better I deserve. I deserve the best, and I will not stop until I get it.
A newness, change, a new path, new relationships, things ripped from under me, questioning why and when and what I could have done differently. Not understanding why me, and why this way, and why now, and why do bad things happen to good people. Going over and over all these feelings that no one ever acknowledged, people taken away, and people brought in. Passions seized and recognized. Complete betrayal and extreme loyalty. Always feeling alone, and never feeling alone. Feeling worthless, and feeling like I was worth something. Sad and depressed, funny and elated. Saracastic, funny, feeling that I deserve to be happy. Hearts broken, and glued back together by people that I least expected. Being OK with being type-A. Feeling respected, and appreciated. Feeling that time has a way to heal all wounds, but you don't realize that until all the pain is gone and you have grieved the old you. Understanding that being a work in progress is ok. Understanding that everyone has good days and bad days, and hiding the bad days just makes for a worse day down the road. Finding people that are in your life, that understand all of this, help you understand yourself....it's truly priceless.
Thanking my friends for things I cannot even truly put into words, for bringing me back to life, for giving me perspective and confidence and continuing to help me find the person I want to become......
With the knowledge that I will be overwhelmed and anxiety filled in the next few weeks, and I will try very hard not to shut people out.....
Realizing that all I am truly after, is a lifetime full of laughter......
I end tonight with a new start, a new me, a new career path. With friends and family that have taught me so much about myself, with experience that has taught me even more. I take a big leap, and I'm jumping with this thought:
To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
