Throwing away the checklist

“I used to think that finding the right one was about the man having a list of certain qualities. If he has them, we'd be compatible and happy. Sort of a checkmark system that was a complete failure. But I found out that a healthy relationship isn't so much about sense of humor or intelligence or attractive. It's about avoiding partners with harmful traits and personality types. And then it's about being with a good person. A good person on his own, and a good person with you. Where the space between you feels uncomplicated and happy. A good relationship is where things just work. They work because, whatever the list of qualities, whatever the reason, you happen to be really, really good together.”
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming


I think we learn the most from those who are different from us. I have spent so much of my life, surrounded by people that are the SAME as me (because I fear change and uncertainty, and crave safety and sameness), that I didn't realize how much I can truly learn by those that are different from me. 

People who grew up less privileged than me, people whose families are drastically different than mine. Sure, it is frightening, and scary, but it also makes me question my deeply-rooted beliefs, prejudices, and what I truly value.

Just because I am no longer using a check-list of certain qualities to determine if a relationship will last does not mean I still do not have high standards. 

This quote explains my newfound beliefs about relationships. Maybe it is because I was in a relationship with someone who was so different from me, someone who grew up so differently than me, has a family so different than mine. It is not about how similar or in this case dis-similar we are, but rather realizing that a particular person does not have the harmful traits of those people in your past. They don't have the flawed personality types of people in your past. They are, to their core, a good , mature, person. When being together doing something, or doing nothing, feels good. There are no questions. No what if's. Things are natural, they do just truly work. 

I could check off a certain height, a certain education level, a certain commitment to family, a certain job, a certain salary...but where has that gotten me? Just plain hurt. I have dated the well educated, career-at-all-costs, financially well off, brilliant family type of guy. But I found that that lead to a spoiled life-style, with family and relationships coming last. 

And so now, I no longer check my qualities off my list. It isn't really about qualities. It is about a feeling of mutual love, respect, and commitment. Friendship. Allowing our differences to flourish. Embracing our scars.  I don't care how much money you make or your wonderful career or how wonderful or weird your family is. It is about the connection. Between you and me.

I have now learned that is about finding someone who doesn't change who they are or what they want. Stability. Someone who commits. Commitment, stability, embracing scars, not running, are not traits I can just check off a list. These are things that connect us. Things that must be shown, not checked off. 

As we enter 2013, I no longer use my well kept checklist that I have used for years to determine if a relationship will work. The check list is gone. It is now all about learning from my mistakes of the past, and avoiding harmful traits. The checklist is blank. Ready to be filled with my partner's own unique qualities he brings to the relationship. Please,be different from me, be drastically different from my original checklist, make me learn and grow and show how how to be a better person. 

Then, allow our different qualities to fold together, let us work, let us grow, and let 2013 be the year where all I have ever wanted becomes a reality and I will get my 100%.


“This is what I know. Don't settle for 40, 50, or even 80 percent. A relationship-it shouldn't be too small or too tight or even a little scratchy. It shouldn't take up space in your closet out of guilty conscience or convenience or a moment of desire. Do you hear me? It should be perfect for you. It should be lasting. Wait. wait for 100 percent.”
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming


 

A Tragedy, and a Corner of Happiness

My eyes are hooked to the TV. 
And I cry.
I cry so very deeply for the lost little angels in Conneticut's elementary school massacre. 
The whole world weeps, but as a teacher, I weep a bit longer, a bit harder, a bit deeper.

In the depths of who I am, I will always be a teacher. I will always be a learner.
My students, those who I influence, will always come first.

I am heartbroken. Cannot look, yet cannot pull myself away from the pictures, stories, and gut-retching details. I am numb.

What would I have done? How would my middle schoolers have reacted? What if this had happened where I teach? I hope to God I never know.

I never believed in heaven until my Grandma died. Now I do. And I hope these lost little angels are in heaven, where my Grandma lives, in a world that is peaceful without violence, where they are without pain, taken care of by the world's lost love ones. 

I have learned it is ok to be angry. It is what I do with the anger that is the important part. 
I am angry at the gunman, I am angry with many parts of my past. But with anger, comes hate, and that is somewhere I will not allow myself to go.

Life is short. 

The world is not perfect, people are not perfect, and my hope is that we can all just find a small corner of happiness in this world....a small space to be yourself, to love, to hope, to see that there is still good in the world.

Today marks a new day for me. 
A day of spreading goodness, hope, spirit, love.

I deserve to only be treated with goodness. When that disappears, I no longer wish to be surrounded by the people that bring me down. I send well wishes to the people of my past that have not treated me with goodness, and hope, they too, find their small corner of happiness in this world; and I hope they learn that committment to goodness, kindness, love, and strong relationships is the only way that one can ever find that small, secret corner of true happiness. 

Our vulnerabilities are what connect us.  I offer compassion to my younger, broken self. And I find myself filled with confidence, goodness, and love as I settle into my very own corner of happiness, gratitude and appreciation. My corner happens to also have a partner. A man. A very good man, whom I fall for more and more each day. Whose arms are safe. Whose heart is kind. Who commits to never wanting to change me. Who commits to a lifetime of ups and downs. Who will battle the violence in the world, quietly, by spreading our own goodness and love for each other and the causes that matter most to us.

To a world filled with bad, I have found my corner of good.

Rest in Peace Grandma, and the little angels of this terrible tragedy. I hope you find your corner of happiness up in heaven.

Pablo Neruda

Oh how I wish I would have found this Poem months ago. But then again, the meaning would of lost itself on me. Too  much pain. Now, it makes perfect sense.

“Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you

And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember....
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land”
― Pablo Neruda 

Life is very lonely when you make the choice to live it all alone. But this was not my destiny. Or my choice.

I made the decision several months ago to open my heart back up. Not look back. And find a "new land." That new land, just happened to open a door to a better future for me, without even knowing it. I am bursting with happiness and excitement for what is ahead. 

My tears watered the seeds for my future happiness.

I have come to the realize the truth in the saying  "that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny."

So much to look forward to this weekend....boyfriend time, dinner club, hanukkah party, I am soaking in the holiday season and how wonderful it feels to be so happy during this time of year.

Goodnight!

Hello Wonderful Winter

"We don't always understand the reasons why at the time," my grandma always told me. 
"But everything does happen for a reason."

I love the feeling of falling in love. And I question how I am falling so hard, for someone so different than everyone in my past. But the feelings are there, cautious, but present. I am held for hours, taken care of, celebrated, laughed with, talked to with the most inner core of true feelings. What a refreshing breath of air, that I can now breath in, to be with someone, who can accept me for who I am, no judgement, and can commit to a lifetime of me. I am humbled. The art of communicating real, true, feelings, being vulnerable and being treated with the respect of realizing that there are two people in a relationship; learning and growing together into a future that will bring me exactly what I want. 

My grandma watches over me. I feel her guidance. I feel her voice inside me. Cautious, Amanda, but let him in. Learn. Grow. Love. Hold on. And if you look closely, you can see our dreidel ornament:)