Maybe, Maybe Not

I am loving this new article I found by this Psychologist who created Nourishing the Soul. She talks about the effects of body-image in relationships (Confronting Love), and really focusing on the present moment. Are moments really good or bad? What if you are so focused on the events, that you miss the new opportunities. I really took this article (below) and applied it to my life this week. And wow. Amazed. Happy Labor Day Weekend. Be kind, always.


Maybe, Maybe Not: Mindfullness

Happy Birthday

Today went as follows:

sleep.sleep.sleep.

poptarts.

hang with Angela on her 27th bday.

frozen margaritas.

mexican.

presents.

journaling.

some hopeful news 

and this....

Reducing Stigma

I think, when I grow up, and grow into my Psychology field career, I want to go into advocacy and education. I still want to sit with clients and do therapy, but I think there is a bigger purpose in the field of mental health.

I often wonder "why me?" Why is all this happening to me? And on this very early morning, it clicked. My experiences, my personal experiences will allow me to create empathy, personal understanding, personal education, and real experience with the real issues of the human experience. This, coupled with my formal education, theory, and intervention strategies will undoubtedly be beneficial to advocate and educate the community about mental health issues.

There is such a stigma around depression, eating disorder, Bi-polar disorder (to just name a few). Mental health issues, unlike cancer, or heart disease or diabetes, is seen as a problem in our minds. Something we cannot see. Something we do not understand. Something we do not talk about. How is depression; a true chemical imbalance in your brain, any different from diabetes, a true insulin/sugar imbalance in your blood? Is it really any different? Or is it just how people perceive the two illnesses? What is the difference between taking insulin shots and take anti-depressants? They both help the imbalance, and essentially alleviate symptoms to lead a productive, healthy life. Both disease need support and ongoing treatment. Patience from loved ones. So why is one, treated so different from the other. 

I think that is where my work comes in. Education. I think I have realized I will always be in education, but I will be educating in a different way. I will be advocating for what I have personally struggled with. I am not sure why I never thought of this people, but over the last few days I have been struggling and I felt very alone. I have to constantly remind myself that I never have to struggle alone. Fortunately, I am surrounded by many that understand what I am dealing with. They have educated themselves and found patience within themselves to help me. It is so important to understand that when dealing with mental health issues, there is help. For the sufferers and their partners. It is not something to be scared of, or to run from. It is something to educate yourself about. 

The number of people who suffer from a mental health problem are astonishing (http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml)

Yet, people do not get the help they need out of pure ignorance from those around them.

Today, I ask everyone reading this, everyone who has happened about this page, to educate yourself about mental health issues. Look at the people in your life, look for the warning signs, make sure they are not suffering alone. Have patience. Realize their intentions. Realize that they are not lazy, or incompetent or sick, or crazy...they are struggling, trying to find their way, just like everyone else. And they just need some different tools, and friends, to be able to heal.

Here are a few websites that can START to help you understand.

Be kind. Always.

Help A Loved One with Depression

National Mental Health Alliance...A Great Educational Resource

What A Difference A Friend Makes

Happy Wedding

After an absolutely beautiful, romantic, lovely evening being in the Perko-Brown wedding, I realized what commitment is all about. It not about the looks. It is not about the excitement. It is not about what you hide or show. It is about committing to the every day. It is about waking up each day, knowing each day will be different. Loving when you know sometimes the other person doesn't love themselves. It is about sharing a lifetime. It is about humor. It is about not wanting to change a thing. Accepting imperfections. It is about spending time with each other...forever. It is overwhelming, but the risk is so worth the reward. It was an emotional wedding for me. I mean, I always cry, but this was a different cry. A cry for happiness for friends, a cry for longing for me. I want that life, I want the the commitment to the everyday. The good and the bad. The ups and the downs. These two have taught me that even through the worst of times, the trying times, the disconnect, there are people who stay through it all. Not everyone runs. First relationships do last. They restore my faith in realistic love.

The Woman I Love 

This song reminds me of what I will wait for. I don't know how long I will wait. I hope it is not too long. Today has been real struggle. I hold onto courage, and the strong, faithful, loyal group of wonderful friends that surround me in every moment, good or bad. The ones that didn't ever let me dance alone last night. The ones that believe I will find my husband one day, and the ones that will be standing up next me, on my wedding day, to represent all that they have meant to me. 

And with this...I am off to try to enjoy my last week of summer vacation. Praying (yes you heard me right) that this kind of marriage and happiness comes to me one day soon. And wishing two dear friends, a lifetime of happiness. 

Voice It!

Tonight, I listen to the voice that speaks inside me. Tonight, I ventured onto new adventures. Tonight, I experienced new perspective. Without fear. With an open mind. And I listened. And I will continue to listen. Last night, I looked at my grandmother's picture hanging in my room, and I talked to her. Just flat out at a conversation with a picture. Asking for answers, for good things to come my way. And I'll be damned, I got the phone call this afternoon that may change my entire career.  And tonight, I got a glimpse of how much of my life is ahead of me. Maybe I do believe in fate. Maybe I do believe in something bigger than me. No one can decide what is right for me, except for me. And so, I listen. And tonight, today, I feel I did what was right FOR ME, in the moment, no one else involved, just inner voice, inner comedian, inner confidence, and I know this is heading down the right path. Changes...they are a comin'.....

You really understand the lyrics of music when you go through the lyrics of life

"The only way to really know, is to really let it go."
-Ingrid Michaelson

 

So what is the line between sacrifice and settling? That is the question of the day folks. How much to you sacrifice of yourself for another? How much do you settle? I think settling is all about your own standards. It is how you view yourself and what you think your worth is. While sacrifice is a selfless act of doing for another, and doing for yourself, an act that is not always easy, but needed. 

 The definition of sacrifice is as follows:

the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.
___________________________________________________________________________________

So today, it was decided to sacrifice something very important to me, for the sake of something better. A better self, a better life, a better relationship. I don't view this sacrifice as settling at all. In fact, in this sense, I think because I refuse to settle, I had to sacrifice. Sacrifice something and someone that made my world complete, in hopes that something or someone will make that world even MORE complete. Maybe it is time that is needed to make my world more complete, to allow me to grow, sacrifice who I was, into who I will become. Maybe in time, the sacrifice I made, the sacrifice "we" made will pay off and bloom into something new, equally as beautiful, and something where neither of the parties involved have to sacrifice.

On the other hand, sometimes sacrifice means truly letting go. Letting go of all it. To allow something better, and new, and different to enter. How can you move forward, how can you truly know if you are meant to be with someone,  if you are still holding to an old relationship and old memories. Ingrid Michaelson hit the nail on the head on that one. 

As much of a strong believer of fate and signs as I am, I am also a big believer in not settling for anything less than everything. I want it all. And while some my look at that as unrealistic, I do not believe it is. I want the education, and the doctorate, and the growth as a person, and a partner that will grow with me and raise a family with those same values. I don't know who that partner is right now. The fact is, I won't know until some day in the future. The unknowns are very challenging, emotional, and confusing. 

But I believe in personal growth and change and being in the moment. I believe in readying yourself for what you may face in the future. I believe we all have lessons to learn and sacrifices to make. Relationships don't work unless you make sacrifices and they sure don't work if you settle for less than you deserve. 

So where is that line between sacrifice and settling? Is there a line? Are they opposite of each other? Related? Or maybe the same? See more confusion. All I know is that a big sacrifice has been made today in the name of not settling for what this relationship has to offer in the moment. 

It is scary, but healthy.

And with this, I let go. Fully let go. In time, I do believe I will feel and see the truth. And in time, we will see what the future holds. I very much hope that the sacrifices made today will be worth it tomorrow.

To self-improvement, love, self-worth, growth, learning, breaking down, and building up...a good-bye to the end of one of the toughest summers of my life, and onto a fall of new adventures....

Message for This Monday

So friends, do we like the new theme? I needed  a change. A new perspective. To match with my life.

So I changed things up. Looking at things from a different perspective. While I am taking the time to look at my life in a new way, I also have the understanding that I am who, what, and where exactly where I am supposed to be. Learning. Growing. Holding On.

Afternoon Jam

My song for this afternoon jam

Afternoon Jam #2

Words

The Perfect Words For This Evening

Quoting Through Life...Something to Think about

So what makes a perfect couple? Can opposite really attract? What is the likelihood you find a long-term partner that enjoys EVERYTHING you do? This particular quote really hits home for me. My belief is that there is not one man that exists that will like everything I like, nor will I like everything he likes. It is about dealing with our differences, how we deal with our incompatibility that proves that a relationship can last.

Compromise is so important in any relationship. It is easy when things are good, it's when adversity hits that compromise is key.

This is my life goal. This kind of partnership. Love. Commitment. Neither person ever giving up on the other. 

I am not a very religious person. But I like the image of this, and I like the words. It helps be have hope, faith, and belief that there are wonderful possibilities ahead even when we don't see them right now.

I have always done this. I will always do this. I'm not sure if it gets be any further ahead, I am not sure that it is always returned to me, but as this quote says, it is a wonderful legacy to leave behind. And I pride myself on being a good person.

Oh, laughter. Sarcasm. The ability to laugh at yourself, others, and make others laugh. Without laughter, I would not be where I am today. It helps me grow, it helps relationships grow, it's what makes life worth it. Entertaining. Inspiring.

I think we all grow up with a plan for ourselves. We have an idea of what we want, where we see ourselves, where we want to go. For someone like me, I like plans. I like to follow that plan. And I expect that plan to come true. Then, the last few months came and I realized the plan you had for yourself can change in a matter of seconds. Everything you hoped, dreamed, wished for, came true and then was shattered into pieces by the person you loved most. Hurt. Disappointed. Sad. Depressed. Frustrated. Grief. Questions. But maybe there is more to life than our plan. Maybe part of my plan is to learn that you can't always count on your plan. To learn to be flexible. To see that there is a life, so much better, just waiting for me; and if I was trapped in my past life and past relationships I would never have the life I was mean to have. And that plan, is the one that is meant to be. I am a good person. I deserve good. I will find a good life that is waiting for me.

I actually found this quote years and years ago back in college. It was the one quote that got me through one of the most challenging times of my life. It needs no further explanation. It hits home. It brings comfort.

 Pushing myself through to my final days of summer with new people prospects, new job prospects, getting prepared for the life that is waiting for me.

"I suppose that since most of our hurts come through our relationships, so will our healing." 

-A

Re-Reading and Neuro-Psych

So I found this quote that I loved. So true. To so many.

THEN...

I was told to watch this TED TALK by Helen Fisher, anthropologist. That studied the brain, in love. This is why I want to go into psychology so badly. It is SOO interesting. The same levels of serotonin chemicals found in OCD clients, are also found in clients that have just ended a serious romantic relationship. And we, as a culture, wonder why, after a break-up, you can't stop thinking of the other person. It's totally bio-chemical, and so interesting. Doesn't make it suck any less, but at least there is science behind it.

http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love.html

Paths Paved in Fate

Paths paved in fate, always lead home

Send me a letter or pick up the phone

Don't let our ending be filled with total silence

When we've lived our whole lives out loud

I'm sitting here being told not to take blame, 

being laughed at by the crowd

I watch life pass by on the sidelines

I miss the two of us on those city streets

Believing our journey would never be complete

Passion in the air and I was floating away

With you to another world

In love with the one I adore, I would do anything for

But then the streetlights shine the truth

And I have to tell myself I will be fine

I no longer have you by my side

But paths paved in fate always lead home

My broken heart will have to mend

Learning to now be my own best friend

Until the day, we reunite, when the timing will be just right

I'll make the money and follow my own dreams

Adjust to the calm that beats through the walls

Onto the arms of another, trying something new

But always waiting for that path that leads back to you

My heart can't wait forever, for now though, it will skip a beat and wait

So you can take your time, make your plans, and realize

You will only shine on the path paved in fate that leads you back home

Work your hours and travel your world for miles

Come home to empty walls of memories

Was it all worthwhile?

Go ahead, fall into the arms of someone new,
Believe me, it won't feel the same as me and you.

You will soon realize that all you left, was really all you ever had.

So please.....Push me, take me, we will grow together

Into something new,
Don't run, don't hide, 
Be a man, and take my hand
This is our wild ride

Nothing good happens unless you are scared

So push the limits of your soul

Learn how far you can push towards your goal

But don't push away, push towards that path

Follow that path paved with fate...it will lead you back to me.

I've moved on. I am strong. I have learned about the person I want to be.

With a stronger skin, and a patched up heart, please, hold me, and tell me this was all meant to be.

I see your face, the streetlight shines the truth back to me
Your far and near
Getting closer, I hear
You've had second thoughts, you've tried the other side
But fate was calling all along
So listen to that song, it's calling your name
on that path paved with fate, calling you home, where you belong. 

Jennifer Nettles

I have a new person that I admire. 

Well not new, an old "friend" really, but I do not believe I really understood the compassion, faith, heartbreak, hope, truth, and healing that Sugarland puts into their music. 

In an effort to continue my personal healing, I have turned to them.

Yes, jammed, by myself, music blaring, starting to feel OK again. 

I listen to it while I am doing my new found practice of yoga. 

I listen on my 10 mile bike rides, another new goal 3x a week.

I listen before bed.

I listen in my car.

I listen because in times of need, emotional saddness and vulnerability, you have to grab on to something.

Music, friends, things that inspire me.

I have always had big dreams for myself. Really big dreams. I want to touch people's lives in some way. I have done it in the classroom, I will do it as a therapist, but I also think there is something more. Maybe it's writing a book, maybe it's writing my own song lyrics, maybe it's instilling hope, dreams, loyalty and beliefs in my kids one day. 

All I know is that I feel inspired today. I feel strength. I have an inner sense of calm.

I do have days, many days, where I wonder why this is happening. How is this part of my plan? My journey? When since 14 years old I have been the one who has wanted the marriage, and kids, and young family, and here I sit, being the last one to have it, if I even ever have it. I wonder why, I wonder if it has been taken from me to make me stronger or to make me appreciate when it's right. Seeing every single one of my family and friends getting married around me is sure a test of my strength and confidence, maybe that is what I need though to be in a relationship, the right one. Strength and confidence, and so I am getting broken down, to build myself back in to the person I need to be when the right man comes along.
 

I do believe that my underlying foundation knows what I want, what I stand for, and what I am passionate about.

Often, on the surface, there is pain, heartache, deep sadness, and hopelessness that covers that strong foundation. 

But underneath it all, I have been beaten down so hard, so much, I am admittedly flawed. But each and every time, I re-new myself. Re-create myself. And this time, after pure and  utter devastation, I realize that I have to be confident in my feelings and what I want out of life. I can't create someone else's confidence. I live my life with deliberate intent. I know what I want, and I go for it. If someone changes their mind, and decides that my lifestyle is not for them, it really isn't my problem. They have to find a lifestyle that works for them. If they decide next week, next month, or 5 years from now that they gave up the only kind of life they would have ever been happy with...that is their journey, their regret, their contemplation, their choices of what to do next. I have to be confident enough to create my own journey.

I have tried to beg back to save friendships, and I just got more hurt. So I cannot do that again, in friendships or any relationships. Years later these friends have come back to me and tried to reconnect, apologize, they found their own journey in a different way but always regretted the way they handled an emotional situation. I accept apologies. I try not to hold grudges. But sometimes when journeys take years to figure out, our separate journeys lead us down different paths, and it will never be the same. But I have always found myself better off because of it. So I have think that this new journey, will give me the same results. 

I always have my door open for re-connections. I have talked before about never needing to go lonely in this world, this world is about sharing pain, sharing experiences, connecting. And so I always leave a small path open for those who were once in my life but decided to create a different journey, separate from mine.

Jennifer Nettles said last night that when she is at home she "sleeps like its her job." Her husband is cooking and cleaning and runnin' the whole town, and yep I just sleep. But it works. She is so confident in her lifestyle, her choices, her strong leadership. She doesn't give a rat's ass about what anything thinks, she is funny as hell, and she speaks her mind. I have that in me, I have always had that in me, but I guess I have held back out of fear of judgement.

No longer. 

What an inspirational evening at Sugarland with my best and closest surrounding me.
Thank you Sugarland, Jennifer Nettles, for making me believe in myself again...for empowering me to create a journey for myself, to reassure me that I will be ok again, for giving me the strength and the faith to start over. For allowing me to believe again in self-forgiveness, and making it ok to have flaws. For brightening my day, and changing my outlook on life. When and if I turn my blog into song lyrics, maybe you will be able to sing my story one day.

Today officially starts a new day. A new start. I am open to the possibilities...of life, of love, of exploring everything life has to offer. It is ok to have heartache days, I have many, I have been heartbroken. But at almost 27 years old, I do not have time to let this define me. I deserve more. I am more. There will be someone waiting, for a girl like me. But for now, my confidence soars into my own journey, slowly accepting my past, leaving doors open for reunions and change, and knowing that it will be alright again.

"I hope you are reminded that you are enough, that you are worthy, that perfect is completely boring and, most of all, that it'll be all right again."

I like being out there, and I also happen to be extremely driven and extremely hardheaded, and I don't like something outside of my control running the situation."

"We are flawed and we know we're flawed. We have issues, but it is how we work through them, what we learn, and how we grow."

"Sometimes we write songs to change your life and sometimes we write songs just to change your day." 

-Jennifer Nettles

Explain why

I have been thinking a lot about my last post: I love you.

An admitted hopeless romantic, I wish I found this quote years ago.

It encompasses everything I want.

What strikes me now though, is that I thought I had every word of this quote.

Thought I found what I had been looking for my whole life.

Big words with some big meaning, I love you, was ripped from under me in one day. One minute. 

One conversation changed everything.

And I am left on my own to find the explanation why.

Explain why: you chose to accept me for just who I am, then decided I wasn't good enough.

Explain why: when I accepted imperfection in you, you couldn't accept it in me. 

Explain why: you said that you would be there for every up and down, yet left me in the worst of times.

Explain why: you loved me for even my sad face, but when I was really sad, you changed your mind.

Explain why: I did each activity you wanted and came to love what you loved, but you still used it against me.

Explain why: each email you sent said I was the girl of your dreams, but when the dream became a reality, you ran.

Explain why: you told me everyone had flaws, but you loved me despite them, and have waited your whole life for me.

Explain why: you never told me your doubts.

Explain why: our differences suddenly became deal-breakers.

Explain why: we made every important decision together, except for the last one.

Explain why: you decided to only love me when I was "fun to be with."

Explain why: you held my deepest secrets to close, so calm, and so understanding,so loving, yet in the end didn't fight for what we had.

Explain why: you didn't care enough to NOT let go.

Explain why: you didn't love me enough to see how much I truly loved you.

I love you

I love this. Every word. It's my story. I hope that this will come one day.

Insight Connected

Insight is a very powerful tool. 

I ended my practicum experience last night, leaving many clients I did not want to leave. 
Leaving some clients, that I was glad to leave. 
And leaving others, wondering if they would be ok in the hands of another counselor in the Fall.

What I know for certain, is that I have found my second career in counseling and therapy.
I believe in its power, healing, its hope and its new beginnings. I believe in its change. I believe in its authenticity. 

I used to think that therapy was "trying to get into someone's head." A terrifying image to say the least. I probably got it from my mother. But I no longer believe this is the case. It is truly impossible to get into someone's head and find out, on your own, their motives, reasons, excuses, feelings, behaviors or actions. I can guess. I can prompt. I can use theory and research and the therapeutic relationship to help guide the client along in their self-discovery, but no, I cannot get in their head to see what is really going on. 

I realized how similar authentic therapy is to real life. Real relationships. They say that in an authentic therapy relationship your patterns of behavior become clear and mimic real life. I agree. 

In real life, real relationships, outside of the therapist's office, we cannot get into other people's heads either. As in therapy, we must rely on honesty, openness, trust, communication, releasing fear, finding hope, believing in change. Without these essential elements, therapy fails, relationships fail. It is a waste of the therapists energy as well as the everyday person's energy to try and guess at feelings, guess at answers to those long awaited unanswered questions. There may never be honest answers, in therapy too, you  may not be able to help the person as much as you want to. 

It is a hard concept for me to come to terms with both in therapy and in my real life. I am a helper at heart. I want to help. I want to make things work. I want black and white answers. I want certainty. I want commitment. I have learned that I will not always get this in either of the environments; personal life or therapy with clients. And I have to learn to cope with this, as I have no control over the other person; client or personal relationship. I have control over my actions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, truths, behavior, and my own personal commitment, and that is it. 

Therapy with clients is all about the relationship, the partnership. Working together to find inner strength, calm, peace, happiness, wisdom, education, empowerment, change, growth, independence...and I look at this, and I realize that is what I want out of personal relationships too. Isn't that what we all want? It is NOT about getting into our partner's head and digging for reasons for their irrational behavior, feelings or actions; that is not what we want...we want a partnership...a open, truthful partnership committed to growth and independence and support...throw it some laughter and love and I do believe you have the ideal relationship. 


Therapy and personal relationships, both, give us insight. They give us insight into ourselves. Our flaws. Our strengths. Our fears. Our pasts. Our futures. It can be scary as hell. But I do believe that everyone, even the most perfect person (and yes, people do believe that perfect people exist) can benefit from therapy. 


I have learned so much from my clients. My job is to listen to their stories. Be helpful to them to find their best selves. And again, in relationships, it is about bringing out each other's best selves. Client's have wanted to quit, we have gotten mad at each other, there have been difficult topics ranging from rape to sexuality to depression to eating disorders to bipolar disorder....but we work through it..no one leaves the other out of selfishness or fear or discomfort or anger. It is about learning to tolerate the discomfort. Growing with the discomfort to make you stronger. Empowered. Creating your best, authentic self. 


I feel good to have helped my clients...all in different ways...all at different times. Different interventions, different strategies, different relationships formed, but all of them were helped. I received wonderful thank you notes, and small gifts of appreciation. I felt like this, this right here, is where I belong. Making a difference. Doing good in an environment that relies on honesty, trust, and growth. 


So in the end, I can sum up my experience in one word, insight. 
Insight into the profession. 
Insight into my clients. 
Insight into myself.
Insight into my failed relationships. 
Insight into my successful relationships. 
Insight into my past, present and future. 


I no longer waste energy trying to figure out why people leave you at your most vulnerable moment, why others stay, why some people flee, why some can't commit, and some commit forever, why some live lies and some live truths, why some tell you what you want to hear, while other just tell you how it is truthfully. All of these questions lead to assumptions and are one sided. Figuring out these big questions, these big personality, character questions involves two people, always. Honest answers, honest discussion. And in the end, it is always about being true to yourself, empowering yourself, growing yourself, gaining the insight about yourself to change what needs to be changed, realizing you now have the tools to live the life you want, with the people who treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Sitting with these clients has made me realize that we are not alone in this world. Pain and fear and discomfort is in all of us, and one point or another. It is about setting it free. Not hiding from it, not running from it, but truly freeing yourself from it. 


This world is not about being selfish. It is about connecting.
I feel so lucky to be connected to so many.
I am overwhelmed by the support of those near and far, old and new.
Laughter and tears, good news and bad, I have this incredible support net a mile wide, ready to throw me out into the world, and catch me when I fall. 


What a true gift.