Saying Sorry and a 5k

As I have been pondering some life stuff lately, I found this really interesting piece of advice:

Saying you’re sorry does not remove the other person’s pain. Apologizing does not prevent you from having the same reaction again under different circumstances a week or two later. To correct a pain you caused another, you must eradicate the trait inside yourself that caused you to react in the first place.

Today, work on eliminating one negative trait from your nature.

I thought this was interesting because so many people think saying sorry makes everything ok. They tell you, I said sorry a million times, I don't know what else I can do! I myself have said this, but it does not necessarily make the situation go away, nor does it remove the pain, sometimes too much damage has been done. I like the fact that in order for a apology to mean something, you have to eradicate, erase, the trait that made you react in a bad way to begin with, erase the reaction in yourself that caused the pain the other person. This is difficult because sometimes you don't see the reaction, you don't see the trait within yourself....and that is where the problem lies. One can only see from their perspective, so they think saying sorry erases pain, but what really needs to be erased, or at least brought into perspective is his/her own reaction and the negative trait that caused the pain. It kinda makes sense to me, I think i found my negative trait(s), some of them at least, but at this point, will sorry be enough, and I am not sure everything I want to say sorry for, really needs an apology. Identifying the trait fine, but the person on the other end of the apology, the circumstances around the apology are sometimes just too far gone, or are they? Where is the line between apologizing and not getting taken advantage of? How do you know what the right thing to do is, how do you not settle, how do you know when you have fought hard enough? Just an interesting thought.....

Biggest news this week, I am training for a 5k! Yes, a 5k, I was about as shocked as you were. Running a 5k is something that is on my bucket list for my life, but I never thought I would it do it this soon. It just kind of popped into my life, and a few teachers at my school decided they would run with me...and so the training begins. I did a lot of thinking before I decided to commit. First, I have never been a runner, ever. Elipitical, basketball back in my middle school days, sure...but running? Well, recently I decided that I need to change my outlook at exercise and getting heathly. My grandma, overweight for all of her life, is back in the hospital due to obesity issues, and it scares me because I know how easily I could slip into that. On the other end of things, I know how easily I can slip into the opposite of obesity, I have been there as well....., and had many people worried about me, so how do I find balance, how to find true healthyness. So I have decided to have a goal in mind, not to see how low the number on the scale can go, not to fit into the size jeans my friends can fit into, but rather a personal goal, part of the reason I miss college is that there were goals, and accomplishments, hard work and rewards. I think with a 5k, I will get that, in just a little different way, plus I will get healthy. The most important part is that I am doing it for me, not because I am unhappy and need something to have control over, not because I feel the pressure, not because I need the attention, but its something that is going to help me grow, see how far I can push myself. I realize a 5k isn't a very long distance, but I am trying to take things, and life, in small steps. I realize it is a risk, because training requires me to exercise pretty consistently, most days a week, and because I have an addictive personality, as has happened in the past, it is often hard to STOP exercising, but this will be true test of my will power and committment, show how much I learned, how much I have grown, and will show my comittment to be healthy. I am envious of people who don't have to watch their weight, it just comes natural to them, exercise, diet, weight, isn't something that comes natural it's something that I have to work at, struggle with, learn lessons from. It's just the path my life has chosen.....I will battle it my whole life, but I will not let it run my whole life. Not many people understand this, it's been a very complicated journey for me, I tried to explain it in the past, and while people had empathy, I don't know if they ever really heard the messages I was sending, overweight or underweight, I tried to talk about it, but I don't think I had the emotions, communication that I needed to express exactly the support I needed. It's still hard for me....but small steps, and right now, April 28th, Ann Arbor, 5k, is the goal ahead of me, and I am really excited to get started!

A semester of reflection...and why all of us should be a little more like middle schoolers

A semester of teaching came to an end today. I have learned there are flaws in the education system, kids that are lazy, parents that are lazier, and districts that tell you one thing and do another...but...despite its flaws, my first year of teaching has treated me quite well. So I have vented through curriculum days and PD days and teacher work days about the negative, and there is plenty to be had, but it's time to regroup and reflect on the positive....which for me, outweighs the negative.

My first semester of teaching, about 13 years in the making...13 years I waited to have my own classroom, with my own students, imagining what it would be like to be in front of the room every day, the center of the stage, influencing young minds, and sharing my passion for the subject I decided to teach. And 13 years later, here I sit, with my first official semester under my belt....and I could not be happier.

It is amazing what 155 , eleven, twelve and thirteen years old can do to a person, such as driving a teacher so far until they are legally insane :). But really do you ever think about why you are in the place that you are at a certain time in your life? Questioning why now, why this circumstance, why this lesson. Well there are not many things I am sure of, it is something that I think about and learn about daily, but one thing I am sure of is that I am meant to be a teacher, a middle school teacher, a Spanish middle school teacher, in the district I grew up in. There is a certain comfort in the familiar, just as my students crave routine and familiarity (even though they tell you otherwise) I also crave routine and familiarity. It is a wonderful feeling to walk the same halls that I went to middle school in, become friends with the teachers that I sat in the classrooms of ten years ago, the familiarity and comfort of the halls, the classrooms, knowing each day what my routine will be, what lessons will be taught, what projects will be presented, I am creature of habit or routine and so this fits me perfectly. On the other hand, teaching has also taught me how wonderful change, unfamiliarity, and surprises can be, and how much you truly do learn from them. So while the routine of day to day and hour to hour may be the same, first hour ends at 9:10 each day, my kids and my days are so drastically different, it is a challenge, but a wonderful one at that, every day. Kids not understanding lessons, kids coming in telling stories of losing their homes, going on vacations, winning hockey games, someone getting the flu...on my foot!, sickness, and new questions such as how do I say monkey-head in Spanish, compliments and criticisms, excitement for a game as simple as poke the pig or bingo....one hour understands, one hours doesn't....the multi-tasking keeps me on my toes, and before I know it, its 2:30 and another day is done. Each day I learn patience, and communication, and learn to enjoy the simple things, I love talking with my fellow teachers as well, I work with some really awesome people,...and while there are always frustrations, and bad days as a teacher, you have to laugh at the intensity of these middle schoolers, the way that finding out they have the same lunch as their friend, makes their entire week, the way that a jolly rancher for a correct answer makes you feel like you have won the lottery, there is not another world quite like the middle school world.

I love teaching because it puts me in so many different roles; teacher, counselor, mentor, mother, friend, comedian, actress, you name it, I do it. I am passionate for my kids and for what I do, which I think sends a very positive message to all the children in my classroom.

I like that I get to use what I learned in college everyday. As much as I complained about MSU and the college of ed, I spent A LOT of money for a piece of paper telling me I was a Spanish teacher. I took a lot of Spanish classes, I went to Spain for THREE MONTHS, and I get to use what I learned every day in my classroom. I spent five stress filled years to get to this point, and I use it every day, every day. How many people can say that about their degree? Not many. I have fallen in love all over again with Spanish, the language, the culture, the grammar, and my students are so inquisitive about how to say everything. And sure curriculum gets in the way, you cannot always teach what you want, when you want it, but to teach my students about Spanish and Mexican Recipes, and how to order food and a month later have them put on restaurant skits and have them make actual authentic recipes all in the target language, it is like my dream job comes to life...it's amazing to see that everything my kids know, I taught them. I am not sure there is a better profession out there, and I am preparing them for the global world, they are becoming fluent in another language, I am making Spanish fun, they want to learn it, well most of them!

And then there was today, the inspiration for this post to be honest, the reason why I am a teacher, the real reason. My kids are really something else. Today was the last day of the semeester, Monday starts a new semester, new classes. Mind you, Spanish is a full year class, so I will be getting all my (mostly) wonderful middle schoolers back...but in the world of middle school, as I learned today, while they may have be as a teacher again next semester, they will all be in different hours with different students, the class dynamic will change, it will be like the first day of school all over again...a big change, a new start....a whole new world in the mind of 13 year olds. Anyways, my 6th hour is wonderful. Teachers aren't supposed to have favorites, but they are my favorite, I favor them a little bit ( a lot of bit actually), I am more sarcastic with them, I let them get away with a tiny bit more than some others...all good hearted, all good natured, they are smart kids, good kids, dramatic as the day is long, and I really enjoy teaching them. We all bonded this semester, a lot because there are only 18 of us..compared to 35 in our other classes. 18 smart, motivated, talented, silly wonderful middle schoolers who speak Spanish, sometimes, better than I do! Anyways, they will all be in different hours next semester, and they made me a good-bye present today (mind you I will see them all on Monday which made it all that more fantastic) . They made me this huge poster, laminated, with all these pictures, inside jokes, random Spanish phrases, saying what a great teacher I am, how much they love my class, how much they love me, how much they have learned, how they use Spanish even outside of the classroom, and to never forget 6th hour 2009. They all brought their cameras and we all took a snap shot to capture the moment....it was just one of those moments, those ah-ha moments, like the IDEAL teaching world, if only every day could be like this, I felt like this is where I am supposed to be, how did I get his lucky?

These middle schoolers have brought me back to life, when I think of my state of mind two years ago, the hell I went through student teaching and where I am now, it is unreal. Never, in a million years would I have thought I could be this happy, feel this much self-worth, feel this needed, feel like I was doing this good of job, it is unreal. My students have taught me such wonderful lessons. They see me as just me, nothing more, nothing less. They don't care if I am 20 pounds heavier, or 30 pounds lighter, they don't care if I don't wear make-up one day, they don't care if I make a mistake, they actually admire it, they live in the moment....a bad day today, has no effect on tomorrow, they are honest....did you throw that pen...yes...did you do your homework...no...why not...I am going to be honest, I wasn't listening to you Señorita yesterday and so I didn't know we had any. I love their honesty, I love that they look up to me and admire me for what I do each day, I love that they don't hold a bad day against me. I love that they come to me for advice and trust me with their most personal stories. I love that when I write a recommendation for one of my favorite students, she sat and read it three times, and cried a little bit. She came up to me afterwards, gave me a hug, and said that no one had ever made her feel so good about herself, she read my letter of recommendation, and she said she suddenly felt like all her problems went away, she felt she was worth something. My heart sank in that moment, because that is so much of the reason for why I am here. To give confidence, to give these kids a voice and a sense of self-worth. When my student said this to me, I realized I am making an impact, I realized that that student was me, 10 years ago, feeling horrible about herself until one teacher made all the difference...made her believe in herself when no one else would, valued her when no one else did, for me, it was my 7th grade Social Studies teacher, 9th grade English teacher and high school Spanish teacher, but now, I was the teacher who did to my student what my old teachers did for me....the gift of believing in myself, the gift of self worth.

I think all of us could benefit from being like middle schoolers---not the ones that incesently annoy you, do not work, and make you want to quit on some days, no...rather live like the ones that are living in the moment, looking past the physical, not holding grudges, telling the truth, just looking for someone to accept them. I hope I am instilling in my students to be the best versions of themselves....and as I continue on the path of rebuilding my self-esteem and building the best version of myself...I will look to my students to help mel, because as much as they appreciate me, I equally, if not more, appreciate them:)

Change

I am excited to be a part of History.
I am excited for my students to be a part of History.
Whether you voted for Barack Obama or not, he is the President of The United States and has a very big job ahead of him, the weight of the world, literally.
People have grabbed onto him for dear life, because there is nothing else to grab onto in this horrible economy, when loved ones are in a war we never should have been in.
I wish Obama well, and much success, liberals and conservatives alike, all need help right now, and I hope that Obama can follow through with many of the promises he made. It won't happen over night, but I think he has promising goals and a clear plan for what needs to be done.
I think it is great to see such a young famliy back in Washington, someone who is truly for the youth of this country.
Good Luck Mr. President, the country, and the world, are counting on you to bring about change.

Don't Settle....For Anything Less Than Everything

As I sit here after coming home from a night of baking with a good friend of mine, a night of listening to the Sugarland CD, inspiration for my thoughts tonight, a night of laughing, and connecting, and spending time with family. Realizing how much I am appreciated, realizing that the new relationships I have cultivated have given me new purpose in life. Talking about my love for my job, the passion for my students, the feeling that my life is no longer just ordinary, that I am making an impact. That the book I am writing will one day be published, it is a dream, sure, but it is one I intend on following through with, because I won't settle for anything less than everything. I deserve to be treated with respect and humor and generosity of spirit. I deserve to live more than an ordinary, comfortable life....being ordinary, being comfortable, that is settling....you cannot grow, you cannot learn, you cannot reach your potential if everything is always the same...if you try to be the same as your friend, same clothes, hair, material things, ideas, thoughts...try to always agree with your boyfriend, husband or wife. How is that living more than just an ordinary, comfortable life? It's not. And it is time to step out of the box.

I had some major growing pains I had to work though these past few years, I always felt like I just existed, and always wondered if life had something more to offer, more meaning, more purpose, more happiness. I didn’t want to be ordinary, I didn’t want to be forgotten, but the circumstances of my life, made me feel that I would be forgotten, that all I would ever be is ordinary, forgettable, not worth it. As I was healing, I learned that I needed to live life to the full, never settle for less than I deserve. I didn’t want to settle for just an ordinary life. I had to re prioritize, fill my life with people and opportunities that would allow me to live my best life, find my purpose and happiness. I took a look at who has been there all along, the messages that have been gently whispering. Being taken advantage of, accepting less than I deserve, living with low self esteem….it had to stop, I had to live life to the fullest…..find my passion, be okay with being different, and saying what is on my mind, have fun, enjoy, having meaningful relationships. I have found new passions, and have new goals, new wonderful friendships, and surprising new relationships, and I will not settle for just ordinary…ordinary friends, ordinary experiences, just blend in...that is not what I want. I have high standards for my life and the people in it, I don’t want to be the same as my friends, I don’t want to agree with what my friends or boyfriend are saying just because it is more comfortable, just so that I am accepted...I have learned that I have to break out of my comfort zone, to grow, to learn, to reach my potential. I have been a people pleaser for too long, I have to do what is best for me, live my best life, I speak my mind now, I say what I am feeling, I am honest-- no matter how hard it is to express, I go back to the people I may have hurt because par t of living my best life is learning and growing and building relationships because I only have one life to make relationships impact me in some way. I follow my own path, I make my own plans, and even if I fail, that is ok too, I have big goals and big dreams and I don’t let anyone get in my way…it’s the gift I can give myself. I have a lot to give in this life. I am proud of the progress I have made, and will continue to make. I am honored to have been put in the position of influencing and mentoring middle schoolers...not many have the patience and passion for that age group, I do, it is where I am meant to be. I deserve extraordinary friendships and relationships and leaving my impact in this life, by doing something different, something that sets this whole word on their ears, even those closest to me, and those that have pulled way. Never settling...ahh, it has such an impact....it means not blaming myself and not accepting lies, not letting people who don't see me for the kind, compassionate, good spirited person I am effect my day to day life....it is not worth it. Not settling for saying one thing and doing another...only allowing follow through, allowing the motto "keep moving forward". Living outside of your comfort zone, repairing past damage so that you have a clean slate from which to build your new extraordinary life. Do what is best for you, never settle, believe that you are meant to achieve great things....not because there is some divine plan, not because God has mapped out your entire life for you and he expects great things, no....live a great life and never settle because you know that you don't deserve anything less. Find meaning, for yourself, find what drives you, what you are passionate about; build relationships that will help you experience the joys of life. Take a risk, see where it takes you. Settle an old fight an old miscommunication. Write a book! Write a song! Start a journal, start a book club, volunteer at hospitals, visit sick children. Be curious. Start a new relationship. Take the risk of standing up for yourself. Travel. Meet new people, learn from them. Do the unexpected, speak your mind, be different, be emotional, be vulnerable, apologize to someone you never thought you would apologize to, there is only one life for you to live, so get busy living it...and while you are, remember, never settle for anything less than everything.

Change it up

Part of the reason, I believe, we get stuck in life is because we follow the same paths, day in, day out. It's those little things we don't choose to do, but do as habit, from the toothpaste and toothbrush we use, to waking up at a certain time in the morning, to eating the same foods. It's sitting in the same place in class all the time, going out with the same people, being friends with the same person, holding the same beliefs without consideration of another perspective, going to the same restaurant etc.

Today, let go and give up all the places where you are addicted to your routine. Do things a little differently. Because when we change something, our energy changes as well, and it helps us find our potential.

We need to go beyond what we know to receive more than we've ever known.

K.B

Excerpt

Trying it out....

"And she wasn't anyone famous, rather, she lead quite an ordinary life. Brown hair, green eyes, ringlets of curls fell over the top of her head. She grew up with a normal childhood, filled with friends, family, and every comfort she could ever want. Sensitive and a text book perfectionist by birth, she always cared more about others than she did about herself. She held herself to incredibly high standards, no room for failure, it was just not an option. She felt pressure, always, constantly, but hid it well. She never loved herself, not the way a person should love themselves, but everyone around her loved her. They are praised her and her accomplishments.... parents, her family, friends, teachers....she was the student that teachers practically begged for in their classes. A 4.0 grade point average and a handful of close friends were tattooed on her life, she lived her life by goals---report cards, perfect GPA's, perfect friendships, charity, graduating, passing college classes....no excelling in college classes, graduating college, following a career she had been chasing since she was seven years old. A smile on her face, miles and years of pain built up inside, that no one would understand. Guilt is a horrible thing to carry around. Never quite good enough, always the one to get hurt. Low self esteem takes its toll, but you are not aware of that until you have hit rock bottom. She hit rock bottom, quickly. She never saw it coming, and why would she, she had it all. How could this happen, why did this happen, how could no one see it? Her head was pounding, her hands were shaking, she was filled with fearful questions. No one saw it? Of course not, she was a great actress in her own life. Well, there was one person that saw it, but couldn't face it, did nothing, ran away. She thought, maybe she was better off to meet heaven, and hope she would be accepted up there, after all that had happened. How did she get here, she thought, how the hell, in this perfect life, with a kind hearted spirit, powerful sense of humor, spreading influence to children, touching lives unselfishly, how the hell did she get here? Her eyes starred back at her reflection, purple tears stained her face, and she had no idea what to do next."

Spirituality

Spirituality isn't just about being nice. It's about transforming our not-so-nice qualities.

Always remember, it's not our positive traits that flip on the Light switch. The Light goes on when we identify, uproot and transform our reactive negative characteristics.

What light switch can you flip on today?

I told myself for years, I am a good person, with a good heart. I always try to do the right thing, spread kindness and generosity, wear my heart on my sleeve. Yes, I get hurt, but I have always felt that all of my positive characteristics make me feel good, despite the sometimes unwanted consequences. Recently though, I have taken a look at myself in a different way. Past the perfectionist that I will always be, past the kindness, past the sense of humor, past the good friend, good daughter, good girlfriend, and looked at connecting with myself in a different way. Looking at my negative traits. Now, I hesitated doing this, because after suffering from low self esteem, and never feeling quite good enough for most of my life, why would I focus on the negative characteristics of myself....when I already had been doing it for so long. Well, as the spirituality saying suggests, spirituality, connecting with yourself and with others isn´t just about being nice, considerate, a good hearted, listening ear, best version of yourself. In order to reach that level of spirituality, in order to be your best person, you have to look at your negative qualities in order to grow, learn, become the best version of ourselves. As I started to look at things from that angle, I soon realized some traits I was not so proud of, and as I began to come to terms with them, I realized how much they affected all areas of my life..the people, the events, the circumstances. And now, it is my job, to transform myself, transform those charactersitics, live a better life, apologize. Now, it is imperative to be careful, not to blame myself. There is a difference between blaming yourself for your negative traits and learning and growing from them. That is my new personal goal....transforming negative traits, looking at myself from an outsiders perspective, what do others see in me that I don´t see in myself, the good and the bad, and transforming into the best version of myself....it will be an interesting journey, and one that I think we could all benefit from doing.

Today, look at yourself in a different way. Identity the good and the bad. Look at how others perceive you and your actions. Become the best version of yourself, by looking at yourself through another lens. Transform even just one negative trait, transform one negative circumstance into a positive one. Apologize if you must, to set things right. And strive to become the best version of yourself, in the best version of your life.

Feeling Right

"Maturity begins when we're content to feel we're right about something without feeling the necessity to prove someone else wrong."

Isn't true? Remember back to kindergarten, arguing with a friend, I am right, no...I am right...no I am right and you are wrong. Middle school.....he is wrong, I am right...right? I said that, my parents told me, so I am right, you are wrong. I believe this, I always have, you believe something different, so you are wrong. High school....I believe she lied to him, I don't believe it...I am loyal to my friend so I am going to believe her, she is right, you are wrong. I am popular so I am right and you are wrong. College...I believe I am right because of x, y and z...and you are wrong because of x, y, and z...ahh now there is evidence and research to back up how one feels. But when in life, do we feel that we are right about something, happy with that choice and feeling, without having to say he/she is wrong because she holds the opposite opinion. Why is it always he is wrong, I am right....what about I am right because in my heart I know I am right, I know I did the right thing, I made the right decision...regardless of what others think? Why are we so convinced we have to prove someone else wrong, in order to feel justifed that we are right? Do we crave people pleasing that much? Are we that lacking in confidence? When do we stop picking sides, and just doing what is right?

I think it has to do with experience, life experience, how you feel about yourself, your connection with others, your connection with yourself. What you want out of your life, the kind of person you want to be, the kind of life you want to live. I don't want to be a mirror image of someone, I don't want to join a community that tells me what to believe, I don't want to match physically or mentally those around me, I don't want to agree with my closest friends, just because they are my closest friends...and what, if I disagree with them, they will leave the friendship, the relationship? That is not the kind of life I want to lead, nor the relationships I wish to have. I want to challenge a friend, a boyfriend, be challenged back, and still have the relationship remain intact. We should both be content with our choices, decisions and opinions without having to prove the other person wrong. I think that people who determine what is right based on convenience of what others think is right, or based on proving someone else wrong, based on what is convenient at the time, based on avoiding reality, based on avoiding confrontation, based on avoiding "rocking the boat", based on messing up a seemingly perfect romance, friendship, marriage etc...these are weak minded people, immature people, not bad people...just people who have a lot to learn about life.

I have questioned the rights and wrongs of life over the past year, the justices and injustices. And after sleepless nights, self-questioning, lost relationships, new relationships, confirmations, guidance, support...I connected with myself..who I was as a person, as a friend, who I was in MY LIFE. And I realized that if I feel right about something, I shouldn't feel guilty, and I shouldn't feel like I have to prove someone else wrong....it is their decision, their choice, their life. I am content, I am happy, with my choices, the path I have chosen, the relationships I have, the life I am living. I feel right about the tough choices I had to make this past year, I feel right about the words I said, the feelings I had, the job I chose, the truth I told....and the furthest thing from my mind is what everyone else thinks, or wasting energy trying to prove everyone else wrong, I am happy with choices, my lessons, that I feel RIGHT about a lot of tough decisions that were made last year, and I plan to continue this path of maturity, into the new year. Go with your heart, go with your gut, feel right, do what is best for you, live YOUR OWN best life.

I'll find a way

Happy 2009!

As we embark on new challenges, new relationships, and new adventures this year, it all comes down to believing in yourself. Believing you are worth it, having the confidence to take that risk, understanding that those who don't see you for the great person you are, don't deserve you. Don't let anyone, despite even the most painful of circumstances, make you believe that you deserve anything less than the best. Never give up on yourself, even when life gets hard......

I can't tell you how many successful people told me their breakthroughs came the moment after they decided not to abandon ship, quit, forget it, change jobs or break up relationships.

Never give up the ship!

The challenge is that we give in to pain. We don't want to deal with the reality of the situation, or we can't endure so we submit to the feelings of worthlessness, doubt, hopelessness, and on and on and on.

Today, I ask you to have patience - with yourself. Find a way to soothe yourself, to talk kindly to yourself, to tell yourself:

"I'll find a way."

***Feeling thankful for surrounding myself with people that encourage me to talk kindly to myself, for telling me that they can see how strong I am, I proved that I can do what others thought I never would be able to, and what a wonderful feeling to enjoy life surrounded by people who understand every aspect of who I am and who I want to be. Seems like the lessons of 2008 are already paying off, and that I no longer need to regret the past, because the lessons learned from it, what now lies within me ahh, it's priceless;)