Sometimes grief hits you harder on some days vs. others.
And since my gramma died, my family has not agreed on how to handle papa.
True personalities have shown, and who self-centered, and who is about family really comes out.
It is not really that they care any less or love any less, but rather, they just have a self-centered personality and don't think of other's as they should. They won't change and it is not worth an ulcer trying to change them.
Tonight, despite the thunderstorm warnings and terrible weather, my brother and I took my papa to Sizzling Sticks, his first time a Mongolian BBQ time place. It was such quality time. He was so adorable, a bit overwhelmed, but did great, and really enjoyed. I literally felt my grandma smiling down. I missed her. I miss her. But I know the sun came out because she smiled on us taking care of her husband of 60 years.
My heart feels full.
“Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last -
are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one
day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the
night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person
who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever
imagine yourself with.”
-Gillian Anderson
I woke up for 4 days in Chicago next to a man, who is my best friend, but also the man I have loved more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. This life long friend, who has embraced me, and in turn, I have fallen in love. The chemistry was there immediately, the love, took a bit longer, I wanted to make sure the risk was worth it. I spent 4 beautiful days eating delish food in the best restaurants, going to musicals and comedies (with a surprise visit from Tom Hanks!), sitting at bars watching sports, people watching, and each and every moment being taken care of by the best man I know. I can sit and talk with him for hours, and he can do the same for me. Our quirks fit together, just as our personalities compliment each other. He makes me feel better than I have ever felt about myself. Pretty, funny, worth something. His independence and establishment in his personal and professional life shines, he is stable, and reaffirms daily that he won't run. I am just enjoying dating him, loving him, spending any time I can with him.
I am asked constantly and often ask myself, haven't you felt his way before? Haven't you loved before? Haven't you felt like good things come to those who wait before? The answer to all of these questions is yes. But what is different now, is that I have something to compare it to. It is not the big feelings, but more the every day real-life feelings. Everyone can fall in love when you are taken on vacations, bought new houses, when everything is exciting and new. But can you stay in love when things become mundane? When conflict arises? What difference of opinions come up? Can you be the couple to raise a family? To compromise your job and travel for the love of a wife and family? Can you handle lifes ups and downs? I never was able to answer these questions before, in fact, the few that I could answer were answered with a NO. But this time around, with this man, all the questions are answered with a yes. I can see it just in the short time we have been together, (which feels like much longer). I can see it in his interactions with my family and friends, I can see it when I cry to him, I can feel it when I discuss the future with him. Life isn't always rainbows and sunshine, vacations and excitement, it is about stability and life events, family, and taking care of a family, encouraging each other's goals, and having maturity when it comes to goals that differ from our own.
I wish the past didn't haunt me, I wish that I could go into this wonderful relationship without a past to make me question the present, but the truth is, every relationship and every experience is different, my man, my present moment is what I must focus on. If we let the past, tarnish the "now", we ruin the enjoyment of the moment. We ruin the potential of a lasting relationship. Life is about risks and change and embracing the moment; gratitude for what you have. And while the risks and change are not something I like or gravitate towards naturally, I am learning to embrace it because I know what joy it brings.
A trust friend and professional told me that my past relationship was the best mistake I ever made. She couldn't have said it better. My past relationship(s )were wonderful mistakes, that lead me to the man I love. I wouldn't understand what I want, what I need, what I deserve or the maturity and character I need from a man, if I hadn't had my past relationship. So, instead of being bitter, angry, and hurt, I choose instead to be thankful that I didn't end up with cowardly, immature, men who never would have made me happy in the long run.
So while I enter month 5 with this wonderful man by my side, our first vacation behind us, and falling into a summer of love, fitness, friends and family, I continue to float on cloud 9, realizing, finally, that I SO deserve to be happy.
School's Out For the Summer.
I have fallen in love with teaching again with my amazing group of kids this year.
Surgery is postponed.
Grad school free summer.
2 vacations with my man.
BFF time.
Me time.
Gym time.
Read time.
I am so bursting with happiness and so in love with life!
This is my summer...to capture the best time of life, with the love of my life, with friends and family around to support me.
Worry less. Live more.
I am ok. Nothing has to be perfect.
Life moves on.
What a difference a year makes.
What big, important lessons have I learned.
Time does heal.
Better people do enter your life.
Feelings will get hurt.
But better feelings will replace them.
Find a new perspective to view your struggles.
Laugh.
Let go of what you simply cannot change; you cannot change people's priorities or choices.
Love. Fall deep deep in love. It is the most risky, but the most rewarding feeling in the world.
I am deeply in love, deeply happy, and deeply excited for summer vacay 2013~
