Mindfullness, in the moment

I have started on a new path, and on this new path I have been told to experiment with a concept called mindfulness. A Buddhist concept, not preaching Buddhism, but rather focusing on the now, the present. I was asked if I would be open to this. I am undecided. This cutting edge concept is known to cure anxiety, depression, guilt, eating disorders, even headaches....as well as increase happiness and quality of life. It's a mind game, no pun intended. With a focus on strengths, it is about focusing in the present, meditation perhaps, but for the anxious high strung mind, how does one stay mindful, intuitive, relearning what has been gone for so many years? My research has just begun, and I have not fully accepted the challenge of doing this.

However, I can say, that I am putting myself "out there" more so than ever before, by mere nature of staying in the present moment. I can tell you that there was a time when I never thought I would be understood. I felt like my world was crashing in, trapped by the past, and I was in a battle to find myself, what I stood for, and the intertwined rocky relationships in my life. As I slowly untangle myself from my past, I realize that I now have to feel what I have been holding in for so long. I have grown stronger, more experienced, and learned more than I ever thought was possible about myself and about other people.

I believe in the power of people, and what they can do to you, and for you. I don't believe there are bad people, I believe there are people that make bad choices, that have bad effects on the people in their lives. I focused on the bad far too long. I had the bad surround me for far too long, never realizing the good around me. Never realizing that you have to cultivate the good, and change your attitude towards the good. I believe in the goodness of people, again. Because of others, what they taught me, and what I in turn taught myself, I have become significantly more independent, understanding, compassionate, confident, risk-taking and re-found a part of myself that I lost.

I have realized the profound influence people can have on you---my body reacts to what people do and say to me. I take it in, for better and for worse, and sometimes all the input is hard for me to handle. I am working on healthy ways to handle it all while I am in the moment experiencing it. I have learned the hard way that handling the way that people effect me months and years and weeks later, is not productive.

In this holiday season, I am making it a priority to me mindful. And with mindfulness comes being grateful for what you have in the present moment. I am far from perfect, I struggle constantly with worrying that I will "scare" people off when I face an issue present, or past....but I am learning that the most important people in my life don't scare off that easily, no matter what issue I present them with. However, I think being grateful also means acknowledging that you are willing to grow, willing to learn, and grateful for how far you have come, rather than how far you have left to go. That is what I am trying to do.

I am mindful of the grave teaching economy in this state, and the fragility of my job in the future and so I am grateful for my job and making it half way through my second year of teaching. I do not love it as much as last year, but I am employed, able to live on my own, and still doing what I love. I am grateful that I have started my Masters Degree and I will be done with my MA before I am 26 years old. (Original goal was to be done by 30).

I am grateful for friends pushing me into new experiences.

I am grateful for my new baby cousin and living grandparents.

I have faith that all that I cannot talk about right now, I will be able to express in the future, always keeping myself a priority and other's feeling first.

I am mindful that relationships are learning experiences, I am confident that one day soon, I have prepared myself enough, I am happy enough with myself, that the right person will walk in, and I will realize why it never worked with anyone else.

I am mindful of my sense of humor and thankful that even on my worst day, I still have sarcasm on my shoulder and the ability to make my friends laugh, nothing makes me happier than making other people happy.

I am mindful that people have come into my life for a certain reason, they have left for a certain reason, and some remain for a certain reason:

In the book the Kite Runner, Hassan says to the main character:

"for you a thousand times over"

The true definition of the good in a person. The influence one person can have on you. Self-sacrifice. Doing something for others, before yourself, because it is a priority. I believe that you can be equally defeated and strengthened through other people. I have been both, but most recently I have been strengthened.

I am, in the present, completely mindful, of the fact that my life is filled with really unbelievable friends. My life is filled with many lost friendships, but being in the present moment, I realize now those were small bumps in the road that lead to me to a life filled with loyal, supportive, compassionate, friends, that are also funny as hell, and I truly would be lost without them, added together they have been in my life for over 12 years, and not being a huge fan of change, I take comfort in this. There are the few I have known since I have been 12 years old in middle school, that have seen me through every up and down, and have never once judged me for who I was, who I wasn't, what I was going through, always managed to keep in touch though our lives took very different paths. I find comfort in having people that have known me for so much of my life. There are the few that I met at Michigan State, that I truly didn't even appreciate fully until after I graduated. Their senses of humor and their ability to say it how it is, their ability to give me reality checks, they stood by me through every single terrible struggle in college, they helped me through some of the hardest parts of my life, without ever asking why, and they stood by me through every celebration and success. They are family to me. Then there are the few who I have not known terribly long, although it seems like I have known them for much longer. They have taught me to talk honestly again, without feeling guilty, they have redefined loyal, supportive, friendships 100x over, they have taught me understanding, and keeping a good cup on sarcasm on your shoulder when all else fails. They have made me feel comfortable with myself again, they have listened and listened again, and again at all hours of the day or night, crying or happy, cynical or practical, and never once judged. They have fought for me even when I wouldn't fight for myself and I recently realized that the deep cut I felt several years ago once and for all finished healing. The weight that was lifted was indescribable and it is the one thing these friends will never understand....but in a good way....it is something I will never be able to repay them for, but I am very grateful for.

And so I am mindful, and in the moment tonight, as I sign off with endless possibilities in the year 2010 ahead.
Happy Holidays, Happy New Year....be mindful, be in the moment, try to trust the process, I know I will be trying everyday.

With risk comes reward

I sit here watching the end of Glee, on this chilly December 2nd evening. On my couch, in the house I grew up in for the past 24 years. I realize suddenly that the rustling of papers in the kitchen from my mom, my dad randomly cleaning the top of the fridge in the middle of dinner, making family ice cream sundaes, Wednesday night dinners, pictures lining the walls from a curly top little girl to senior year....all will be behind me. I hear my mom crying because she cannot believe how fast this time went, I hear myself crying because I cannot wait to leave, then crying again because I realize how lucky I was to have such a great upbringing, family, and childhood. I am moving out. I am on my own. I am independent. I sometimes don't even feel like an adult. This is the right thing to do, it's been the right thing to do for such a long time, I am excited and thrilled, and yet I still have an incredibly nervous stomach.

Where did the time go? Really, I can see where my mom is coming from. I may not agree with a lot of what she says these days, but I do agree that time flies. I feel like I just graduated from high school, then just decided to go to MSU, then just decided to go to Spain, then just graduated, then just student taught, then just got my first job, then just got another job, these were 8 very quick years. With lots of memories, lots of lessons, and lots of change. I say I don't handle change well, but really, I am still here, still breathing, still successful, despite all of the change, and I have come a long way.

I think moving out is a risk. I think being completely financially independent is a risk. I think leaving my family is a risk. But a good friend of mine always tells me to push myself, because with risk comes reward. Not being a huge fan of risk, or new situations, I tend to shy away from risk because of the failure rate. I do not fail at anything. However, if you don't risk, you cannot reap the rewards either.

I started this blog one year ago. As a way to express what I was feeling, what I was thinking, sort through new changes, establish myself, help find myself. And as I look back at a years worth of the thoughts spiraling through my head, I realize how much I have grown, changed, and learned. And I can see how much I still have to learn, because I repeat the same behaviors over and over again. This is ok, if I am doing it over and over it just means I have not learned the lesson yet.

Let's see over the past year I mourned the loss of my old self: my college self, my college relationships, my college standards and habits and ways of life. I had to heal the wounds left from clinging onto student status, betrayal, and the tough lesson of disloyalty, getting your heart broken and years of memories to carry on your shoulder. With this pain came a lot of defense mechanisms and wondering why. I soon got a job that I fell in love with and it truly helped me heal in so many ways. I was meant to work at my middle school for so many reasons; comfort, and reassurance, self-confidence and growth, relationships with students that I will have forever, I will always remember my first year of teaching, these kids, and this school where placed in my life for a reason. Along with a great school and great kids, came great friends. Little did I know that a few months into my first teaching job, just a few short steps down the hall, some wonderful people were brought into my life. Professional mentors---of course, they showed me the ropes of teaching in more ways than one. But moreover, they took me in as if they knew me for years. They have taught me so much about my transition between kid and adult, asserting my independence, and learning it is ok to ask for help. They have helped me to open up without feeling judged, pushed me to be the best version of myself, and just plain listened when no one else would. They taught me about fiercely loyal, judgment free friendships, and that not all friends are the same. They showed me that venting and a huge sense of humor will get you through even the worst day. They instilled confidence in me, something that I have always lacked, and always crave. Every up and down, every success and failure, every piece of advice, going above and beyond for anything I need, and continue to need, someone bigger than me knew that I needed these people in my life....there is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that whatever life throws me, I don't have to hide it, there will always be someone there to listen, and more importantly stay...not run, from whatever comes my way.

And amongst all of this, I went on vacation to visit good friends, I went apartment searching and searching again, I joined a new gym, I started grad school, I ran my first 5k, I got another job, I ran another 5k, I developed MEJCUL with my best friend, I got my long awaited surgery, I saw Carrie Underwood...TWICE!, I saw my brother off to his second year at MSU, I saw how old age of my grandparents affects an entire family, I realized that I will never be perfect, but I will strive for it everyday probably for the rest of my life, I realized who matters in my life, why they were brought into my life, and what role they play...I am blessed with wonderfully loyal friends some, I had to wait quite a while for, but I realize why I had to wait, and why they were placed in my life at this time. Some I see everyday, some I see once a month, some I see once every six months. Some are phone friends, some are once a year friends, but no matter how much time passes, I could call any one of them at any time, any day and it be as if no time passed at all. Their loyalty, senses of humor, genuineness, intelligence, life experience, kindness, understanding, is just something that most people don't get to experience...I have a large handful of friends that support me in ways that I cannot even begin to thank them for...and that's the thing....I don't have to thank them, friendship is funny that way, as my friend says.

I realized that I love my family, and we don't agree a lot of time. I realized how much of my family is inside of me and a part of me, and I realized that myself and my family wish we could turn back time and do things differently. We all have a hard time living in the present moment and I strive to work on this.

There is so much to think about, so much to do, when it comes to finding yourself...who you are, what you want, what you have learned, what you need, where you see yourself, where you will end up. Passionately driven and motivated I want all the answers yesterday. I want control over what is happening and what has happened. I want to change the past, I want to control the future. But I can't and this is really hard for me. My body responds violently to this control issue and it is something I will probably struggle with for the rest of my life. It is another lesson I have to learn. I am also really grateful and happy for many things, and when I am happy and when I feel happy, I really relish it.

Finding out who you are is a risk. Change is a risk. These next few years of my twenties will be a risk. And as much that has changed in this past year, I can only imagine what the next year will bring. I will risk, with the thought it mind that with risk, comes reward. And I will not punish myself, I must make myself believe that I deserve the reward.

Just because

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think that there's enough you might drown

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still

No one can take you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you will find there
And God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
It's screaming every step, "just stay here"

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still

If you find your fists are raw and red
From beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still

.........

There is strength in tears, and I do lock the gate to keep it all in. But, no one can take me where I alone, must go. There is a lot of fear, of course. Having said that, insurmountably thankful for those that are there for me, unconditionally, in the best of times, and the worst of times. Not to solve my problems, but just to listen, when I decide to speak.

Temporary Home

Carrie Underwood has a fabulous new song on her amazing new CD.....TEMPORARY HOME.

As with most of her songs, the song hits home for me. Today was an interesting day.
Let's just say that I am glad I had plans to go running with friends, it allowed me to follow through with a commitment that I had, and prevented some other things going through my head.
I think sometimes in these moments, not the sweat that dripped off me as I was running, but in the moments of uncertainty and fear, that I felt burning in me when I woke up this morning, have got to help you find out who you are and build your strength. Not overnight, but something, somewhere, told me to make it through the day. Maybe it was myself, maybe it was knowing my friends would be waiting for me, maybe it was a miracle push through the day.
I do realize that this is my temporary home...not only physically as I will be moving out in a few weeks, but also I am only temporarily here. I will move on, pass through, and feel good again. I love the song for so many reasons. For its hope, for its sympathy, for making me feel grateful on some level, for its faith, and for allowing me to listen to the calming words.
The past still holds me back, and the present hurts, and the future holds so much promise.
From point A to point B. I wish I could see the path.
I ran 2.0 miles and weight trained with friends this afternoon....and that is my positive.

Will they understand? Where do I begin? What would I say, or not say?
I am not a quitter, and this is only my temporary home.......

Play on

I feel happy. I had a great teaching week. I felt like what I was doing had a purpose.
Felt good about me, where I am, where I am headed.
I laughed, I enjoyed, I was thankful.
I was helpful, I helped make several people feel better, it's what I love to do best.
I am a work in progress.
I cry myself to sleep some nights for reasons too long to list.
I cry on the shoulder of friends, when I cannot hold it in anymore.
But now, right now, I am happy, very happy.
I don't have all the answer for all the questions going through my head.
But I go with it...I will continue to go with it...and when I stumble
I will Play on.......

The ups and downs

I had a really rough weekend. I will just put it out there. Distressed, depressed, frustrated, lonely, wondering why, overwhelmed, helpless, worthless, can't do anything right, where am I supposed to be?

And I melted down, and per usual went into shut down mode.

So why write about something like this, when I have felt it quite often in the past?

Well, because this time, no one ran the other way. Ya know, when you are so down on yourself, and all people close to you run, it feels like the world is closing in on you, it feels suffocating, it feels like being a good person means nothing, it feels like you don't even exist. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am overly emotional, and fully admit and accept this, but it doesn't stop the hurt. I realized the importance of support this weekend. Of genuine support from genuine friends. I have realized the importance of genuine people in my life over the past two years, and especially over the past year, but once again, I was reminded this weekend that I am not alone in this.

I can write pages upon pages about what I am feeling. I can slap on sarcasm and laugh in an instant, but to talk about what I am feeling is really hard for me....mostly out of fear that people will run the other way as they have in the past. But I have found that as bits and pieces of me are glued back to together, as I continue to grow and learn, I continue to try and talk, vent, cry, laugh, ask for advice, ask for help. It is not easy, and talking does not always change things, but as with this weekend, talking allowed me to gain a fresh perspective on my thinking of my situation. It allowed me to sit with friends who came to visit unannounced and just listened. Sometimes I panic, I won't answer phones, I won't talk, I need to know that support is there though, or I feel like the earth is cracking beneath me, and I feel lucky that I have friends in my life that understand this, and SHOW me their support daily. Countless amounts of advice, they feeling that they have been there, or let's make a specific plan for what we can do. They understand how gold and type A I am. It has been a long time since I have felt not judged for all of my idiosyncrasies, they make me who I am, and for a long time I felt guilty for them. I don't know if I am going to make it through this year, but I do know that I will make it through today, and then wake up and make it through tomorrow, and that is what I hold on to. I try to be a really good friend, a really good person, and I hope that I am as good of a friend to them as my friends are to me. I would be lost without them.

Today was an up day. Today I had a good teacher day. Today I felt worth something. Today I felt like I was making a difference. Today I felt there was light at the end of the tunnel. Today I realized the fragility of life. I don't love the ups and downs, but when I am down, I hope to have the strength to go to my friends, and while I am up, I am going to celebrate it.

Just another homecoming.....

I went to my old 8th graders, now 9th graders homecoming tonight, and I felt like I was famous.
Hugs, and stories, and repeating everything I taught them.
Boosts of confidence for them, stories of WHY I am a great teacher.
Taking time, patience, sense of humor, cheat sheets on my wall, asking about their day, going to their games, making Spanish fun.
Mass texts sent through the crowd to let everyone know I had arrived.
Laughter, and sillyness, and genuine respect.
Singing Spanish songs, and remembering every memory from last school year.
Every inside joke, hating Taylor Swift, every lesson, everything.
I am a great teacher, and know the impact I leave. I love what I do, and will again love what I do, because of these kids.

I miss them all the time, but believe in everything happening for a reason.
I also have amazing friends. Not just AMAZING, that is an overused word.
I have loyal, wonderful, genuine, thoughtful, caring, appreciative, funny as hell, sympathetic, empathetic, strong, smart, phenomenal friends. And not just ONE. Many. Several. A strong GROUP that I can count on through everything and anything. Advice, listening ear, every single up and down. Every success and tear. Never one judgment. A feeling that I will never be alone. I waited for this day to come, and I realize why I had to wait so long to get it. I am so much more grateful, so much more thankful, I know what I deserve and feel really lucky.

Life at 23...almost 24

The big 24th birthday is coming up. And for the first year, I don't think I am going to go all out.
Low key, with good friends.

A few things I learned this year:

1. I love teaching middle schoolers
2. Time, with patience, really does heal very deep wounds
3. I am thankful that me and my brother are so close
4. I am lucky to have been raised by a really wonderful family, many of my students did not get teh same opportunity
5. I am, and always will be, completely exhausted at the end of a long day of teaching. It means I've done my job well.
6. I am thankful for my grandparents, and while they are all sick, I am thankful to have them in my life.
7. MTV cribs, Spanish edition, is one of the greatest projects ever to do with students
8. I have a gift for connecting with kids, and I love making an impact on them
9. Old teachers who have become mentors, and friends, is really something I cherish
10. There is someone for everyone
11. I became a runner...ran in my first race, and realized the benefit of running as more than just a weight management activity
12. I am proud of wearing my heart on my sleeve and always trying to do what is best for others
13. I try to stick up for what I believe in and not feel guilty about it
14. This time in my life is not easy, it's not always fun, there are always ups and downs, and that is ok.
15. Having my surgery was the best thing I have ever done for myself
16. I can make people laugh until their stomachs hurt, and I love that about myself
17. Being a good person, attracts other good people
18. Not everyone is who you think they are, sometimes this hurts, and sometimes its the best gift
19. People come into your life when you least expect it, and become some of the most important people in your life practically overnight.
20. Find people you can be yourself with----cry in front of them, celebrate, laugh, cry again, don't be afraid to ask for help, advice, explain what you are truly feeling. Funny thing is---they won't walk away. It opens friendships and relationships to become something really special. You learn a lot about yourself, and realize you like yourself more, when you are around these people. I am blessed to have the people I have in my life. I don't know where I would be without them. They have taught me the meaning of friendship, independence, strength, humor, and compassion. They have shown me loyalty and embraced all of my good and bad days. They check in just to make sure I am ok, just to see how my day is, and it's a two way street. I have learned so much about friendships and relationships and how I should be treated. They have brought out the best in me and taught me some very important lessons. I am very, very lucky that the events in my life have brought me to them...someone, somewhere, was watching out for me.
21. It's ok to take mental health days
22. I will always be high stress and anxiety, but there are better ways to deal with it, that I will continue to try to implement
23. A listening ear, a joke, 100% loyalty,and that feeling that you are not alone, are some of the world's greatest gifts.
24. I love, LOVE. I am in love with the idea of it, and a hopeless romantic, I will always be
25. I still want to be Carrie Underwood, almost everyday
26. Biggest loser, Friends, Will and Grace, ER, and Brothers and Sisters have all, in different ways, made my life wonderful and an escape from reality
27. People change
28. Don't let the past screw up your present
29. Fridays tall sugar free vanilla soy lattes get me through my week, every week
30. To another year of learning, stressing, hoping, being honest, being grateful, being challenged, loving, living, making a difference, leading a good life, as a good person, with difficulties, no doubt, but with good things to come.

This will be a GREAT year

My first day of my second year of teaching begins in about 12 hours. What a whirlwind this last year has been. My second year teacher jitters are actually worse than my first year. I am sure this is because last year I was coming off of student teaching hell, and let's face it, it could only go up from there. Now, reality sets in. If I think back on student teaching, and my first year of teaching though, I realize that it has made me into a teacher beyond my years of experience. Classroom management, relationships with students, teachers, lesson plan differentiation, seeing how different students learn, middle school, high school, urban, suburban, colleague relationships, motivation, techniques to teach Spanish, what worked, what failed, I really would not have wanted it any other way. This year will prove to be another adventure in the life of a teacher, and if I can make myself grow and learn something it is this: every new school, new students, new teachers, new friends, have only proved to benefit me in the long run. With time, they have changed who I am as a teacher and as a person, and this, if I am patient, I know my second year will prove to have the same effect. I know for sure, that this is what I am supposed to be doing. I have waited for so long to be a teacher, I was a born teacher, and I truly do love what I do, and that is more than most people can say.

I will now be both a Spanish AND English teacher this year. And while at first very nervous and apprehensive about this, I took a minute to take myself back 6 years to the end of high school. I specifically remember telling my old Spanish and English teacher on graduation night that I promise I will come back after I graduate college and we will be colleagues as I follow right in their footsteps and become a Spanish and English teacher myself. And here I am, a Spanish and English teacher. Two subjects I grew up loving, and am so passionate about, and two classes I am able to share that passion with my students. How incredibly lucky. I have some amazing English teacher friends in my life, that have passed on their best teaching practices to me, and Spanish just seems like second nature now.

Of course I am nervous. I anxiously await the time when I will find my groove, my teacher clique, my place....but it will come. Just like it took a few months last year to find the cool crowd:), I have to think that it will come this year too. The staff has been amazingly welcoming, offering books and lessons and lunch plans and just a check in to see how I am doing. A young, friendly staff that is committed to putting kids first, what better teaching environment could you want?

No doubt, I will still have struggles, surviving your twenties, is not always easy. I will work on it on my own, and will try to open up when I cannot find my own two feet. I will focus on NOT using my defense mechanism by shutting everyone out. It's not fair to myself, nor is it fair to my friends, who are so willing to be there for me. But when I do try to shut the world out, which will happen from time to time, I hope I have strong enough relationships with others and with myself, to work through it, to not have it held against me, to support me and support others, and find myself and those closest to me, happy in the end. Ya know, in the end, I am just trying to be the best person I can be, and the best friend I can be, and while I set psychotically high expectations on myself I hope I am doing ok.

I sit and think about all the changes still ahead of me, and all the changes behind me, and I realize what an important part of my life this is. I can look back now, and realize why I had to go through all the shit I had to go through. It didn't seem fair at the time, but time has shown me that most things really do happen for a reason. As a take these next few months to stand my ground, move out, begin my second year of teaching, I will try to take the time to enjoy this point in my life. It is not always easy, but I have really wonderful people in my life to support me; something that two years ago, I never thought I would have again. Over the last two years, I have learned the true definition of genuine, supportive, trustworthy, healthy relationships....something I thought I had and kept losing over the past several years and even in my youth, but in reality, I never had it to its truest extent. So much, was so fake, and I look back now and realize how poorly I was I was treated by so many. I ask myself why I put up with people that tried to minimize what I was going through, and lied right to my face and pulled away. I have learned that no one should EVER make me feel guilty for how I am feeling or what I am trying to fight for, my feelings and my beliefs, rational, or irrational are what they are, and true friends are going to embrace whatever it is I am going through. They will see my integrity, they will see me putting them before myself, they will see my loyalty and my compassion, and the points I pride myself on. They will embrace my insecurities, not hold them against me. I think the saying that says "as we grow, we meet better people" could not be more true. Not only better people, but more genuine people. People that go out of their way just to make sure you get a chance to be heard. People that believe in relationships as a two-way street. People that better help me understand myself and make me feel good about myself and show loyalty on a daily basis. These past two years have brought wonderful people into my life, and back into my life, both new and old, and I wouldn't be where I am without them.

And so, as I embark on the first day of my second year, I am happy, and optimistic, and thankful. I look forward to inspiring my kids. I look forward to having the same impact I had last year. I look forward to singing verb conjugation songs, and listening to AZUL in class. I look forward to writing with my kids, and organizing them, and going to homecoming. I love what I do, and this will be a GREAT year.

To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.

I am here on my bed, propped up on pillows surrounding my entire body. I feel a sense of relief and disbelief and a bit of anxiety. Who is this new person, who is this new me? My surgery was a wonderful success, and I am very thankful. My surgeon was worth every (thousands) of pennies that I spent. This has, knock on wood, been a very easy recovery. Maybe it is because I have a high pain tolerance, maybe it is because I have wanted this for over 10 years, maybe because I finally feel I deserve it. Either way, I feel like I am in the body I am supposed to be in at 23 years old, and could not be happier. So many of my insecurities were wrapped up into this, so many of my jokes, so many of friends could tell you stories by the hundreds about every time I complained, cried, joked, and just laughed it off....but they left a much bigger scar (no pun intended) than everyone even saw. I am thankful for all my friends and family who saw me through this from beginning to end, who visited me just hours out of surgery, who came and visited just to check in, thinking of you flowers and cards, a simple text message or an email saying how happy they were for me, taking me out to lunch, supporting me in this big decision, and offering to do anything and everything they can to help. How incredibly lucky am I?

They say that certain events mark the first half of our life from our second, and I believe that this will be a defining moment.

First, it redefined what I thought of my mom and our rockyish relationship over the last few months. It made me realize what a caring and wonderful person she is and how she is willing to go above and beyond for me, and just wants the best for me in everything I do. It made me realize that because I am adult now, with decisions differing from her own, and I need to have more patience with her, because no matter what happens she has had many hours of patience for me(most of the time). I am thankful for her, and we do not see eye to eye on a lot lately, but it is the nature of growing up and out of the house, I think I have a clearer perspective on that now. I will continue to assert my independence, and I will not back down, but she is coming around a lot to new ideas and processing my opinion on things. It's going to be a rocky road, but I will come out independent, and still maintain our relationship. It will take time, and patience, and practice, and many more tears and advice from friends, but it will be ok.

Second, my surgery has given me a new start. A new me. A new way to look at myself and for others to look at me. This surgery comes at a time of great transition, life transition, work transition, friend transition, family transition, and I use transition instead of change because it is easier to swallow for me. With a newfound confidence, and great transitions upon me, it is time to take a deep breath and move forward with the next stage of my life. I feel so happy, this decision was 10 years in the making.... Time just seems to fly, but the memories will remain.

Third, my new work makes me anxious and nervous and a bit apprehensive, but a good friend of mine told me that sometimes in life you have to risk a little to be happier in the long run, if you never take a risk you may never know how happy you could have been. And it is with that thought that I step face first into this new adventure, into a profession that I love, just in a new environment, with the possiblity of new ideas, growth, support and relationships. There is a feeling in my gut that this new position is going to lead me down a very good road, and I am excited to see where it takes me (although the type-A in me just kind of wants to see 6 months from now to see exactly what this GOOD is at the end of the path)

Because I was born with this personality, of course I am nervous and scared and wondering if I will be able to survive this all...but I think that these are all normal feelings. As I grow older, and live through more experiences, and meet new people, I am finding that it is OK to feel these things and as I take it all the advice and experience of those that have done this before, I start to gain a better sense of what I want, who I am, and where I see myself in the next five years. Being a planner this makes me feel very good, but also very nervous that the road set out ahead is not "set in stone" there are a lot of unknowns, but with the belief that I will end up in a better place.

I think this is my year. My school year. Good things are going to happen. People have been placed into my life that have taught me to trust my gut, taught me that I am making good decisions, taught me that the past cannot be relived and you have to be able to sleep with yourself at night knowing that you did the right thing for yourself and your family and friends. Change can be good. (DID I SERIOUSLY JUST SAY THAT??). Change means that I have changed, and I needed to. In certain ways, I blamed myself for too much that was out of my control, I tried too hard to recapture things that I was better off without, I don't regret it because it proved to me how passionate I am for what I believe in and what a great quality that is, but it also made me learn how much better I deserve. I deserve the best, and I will not stop until I get it.

A newness, change, a new path, new relationships, things ripped from under me, questioning why and when and what I could have done differently. Not understanding why me, and why this way, and why now, and why do bad things happen to good people. Going over and over all these feelings that no one ever acknowledged, people taken away, and people brought in. Passions seized and recognized. Complete betrayal and extreme loyalty. Always feeling alone, and never feeling alone. Feeling worthless, and feeling like I was worth something. Sad and depressed, funny and elated. Saracastic, funny, feeling that I deserve to be happy. Hearts broken, and glued back together by people that I least expected. Being OK with being type-A. Feeling respected, and appreciated. Feeling that time has a way to heal all wounds, but you don't realize that until all the pain is gone and you have grieved the old you. Understanding that being a work in progress is ok. Understanding that everyone has good days and bad days, and hiding the bad days just makes for a worse day down the road. Finding people that are in your life, that understand all of this, help you understand yourself....it's truly priceless.

Thanking my friends for things I cannot even truly put into words, for bringing me back to life, for giving me perspective and confidence and continuing to help me find the person I want to become......

With the knowledge that I will be overwhelmed and anxiety filled in the next few weeks, and I will try very hard not to shut people out.....

Realizing that all I am truly after, is a lifetime full of laughter......

I end tonight with a new start, a new me, a new career path. With friends and family that have taught me so much about myself, with experience that has taught me even more. I take a big leap, and I'm jumping with this thought:

To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

In the Middle of it All

Considering the my last thoughts were anxiety filled, overwhelming, and questioning myself (again), I thought it was time to just keep this short and positiveish. It will be a while before I have the chance to write, grad school ending, surgery, a lot of decisions to make, before I know it, it will be fall, which will bring even more changes. So with a deep breath I will say that it has been quite the summer so far, and I'll sum it up shortly.

1. In a week, 6 credits of grad work will be under my belt. One step closer to my Masters in Counseling (and a bit of addition to my salary;)
2. Upcoming surgery August 11th. I pray all goes well,and that I am making the right decision. It's been a long time coming, medically necessary and I know I will feel so much better, it's something I can do for myself.
3. Lots of relaxing during the first part of summer, lots of running (pain free!), and lots of reading really good books.
4. Lots of stressing, major anxiety, and a lot left to figure out.
5. Getting ready to move out. Asserting my independence, is something I still struggle with, but I have to learn that its all going to be ok. I am adult now, and am capable of making informed adult decisions, with or without family support, I have to know I can do it.
6. Looking forward to catching up with people that I don't see often, somehow summer always slips away from me, and my free days seem few and far between. I hope people will realize that a big flaw of mine is not being able to balance. I value people in my life very much, and try to be very loyal and be a good friend, and I have to hope, at this point in my life, prolonged time and distance, doesn't get held against me. Instead, it makes you appreciate the time together that much more. I will become better at balance one day.
8. Lost my 15lbs I wanted to....a bit further to go, but a good start.
9. I love my new present to myself, my blackberry, and really don't know how I lived without it all this time.
10. Thankful for my grandparents, and while they struggle and have been sick a lot this summer, they are still here and alive, and that is more than most people have.
11. Extremely thankful, and grateful for good friends, who help pave the way for me to find myself, who I am, what I want, what is best for me and what I deserve. Their unconditional listening, understanding and support of me and their ways of always seeming to believe in me, more than I believe in myself, time and time again, makes me feel extraordinarily lucky and perhaps a bit hopeful, even on my worst day.

Till whenever....

New Horizons

I find myself having less time to update, I guess that is a good sign of being busy. Having said that.....

On some days, I feel fiercely independent, ready to take on the next 10 years of a lot of change and a lot of new adventures. But sometimes, I can hardly breathe, I find it hard to get up in the morning. I just feel heavy and defeated. It's just too much. It's hard to talk about it, because I cannot really explain it fully. It's like I feel trapped. But who understands that? I wonder what people REALLY think of me. I wonder if I will ever feel like a good enough person, and teacher and friend. When will I stop questioning if I am good enough? When will giving 100% to everything and everyone, doing my very best and being fiercely determined and loyal pay off? Not that I need it to "pay off" in a certain way, or get some reward, that is not what I mean at all...just reassurance, that all these characteristics I have in me, are good ones, that they are driving me towards my goals, that my compassion and hard work is worth something. Although maybe it already is, and I just cannot see it yet. I wonder if I will get to that place that everyone else seems to be at....just a place of happiness and contentment and accomplishing their goals, and when they fall having someone around to catch them unconditionally. It probably doesn't even make sense outloud, I just, cannot get it out in words these days outloud, so writing gets it off my chest I guess. I wish it would all go away sometimes, I wonder who would notice, who would care.

Well, Graduate school is in full swing, and I on most days I enjoy it. I forgot what REAL school was like. I am stressed with two classes, granted they are summer classes, 15 weeks squished into 6, I cannot even remember what it was like to take four and five classes in a semester at MSU. How did I do it??? And how did I 4.0 my way through it? I guess that was my job at that point and I really didn't think too much about it, just got into a routine. I really do like my classes though. Grad school is not hard, so far. Just a lot of reading, writing papers. One of my classes though is very interactive, I really enjoy it. Just with these first two classes, I already know that going for Counseling is the right thing for me. I enjoy it so much, on so many different levels. I like learning about something new; not just Spanish, curriculum, literacy, which I have learned about over and over. Not that you ever stop learning but this gives me a new perspective, a new environment, a new way to think about things, and really there is no better satisfaction that academic success, I truly thrive on it, and my 100%'s on my first quizzes and in-person counseling interviews, are the only thing these days that make me feel really good. School is what I am good at, I know I always have that to count on.

I am headed for surgery on August 11th. The day will finally come. I have wanted this for 10 years, and there is not one bit of me that is nervous. I pray that things go well and there are no complications, but I think this is one of those events that will be a turning point for me. I wrote the biggest check I have ever written in my entire life, and now things are official. It is almost surreal. I hope this leads me towards everything I hope it will.

After several weeks of things going really well, I find myself turning inward. I feel myself turning inward. I have learned through my classes actually that this is a long established defense mechanism of mine, turning inward and a sense of humor to deflect what I am actually feeling. It's interesting analyzing myself, although as my professor always says, "everyone now and then needs a check up from the neck up." I turn inward so I don't have to face reality. I turn inward to protect myself from getting hurt and lied to. I turn inward as a learned behavior that I have having been so burned in the past, and struggled so much with feeling like a worthless and defeated person. I laugh off my perfectionist personality, but it acts as a protector from failure and rejection. These both can sometimes come off as being angry, stand-offish. Certainly not intentional emotions, but effects of the defense mechanism ingrained in me. I am fully aware that I have many irrational thoughts about myself...that I have to be perfect, that there is only one right answer to every difficult situation, that I have to try to please everyone all the time....but changing our thought processes, is not an easy task. Even through therapy it takes time and effort to change those automatic thoughts we have about ourselves.

My goal is to focus on the here and now and replace some of those automatic negative thoughts with positive ones. There are so many paths my life can take this summer...one decision effects the rest. So which is the path that I should take? What do I do? What do I know? Not a huge religious person, but right now I kind of wish I was, maybe I need some divine intervention. But right now, I turn inward because it is what I know. I am struggling talking, to even those closest to me. I know it may come off as avoidance, I hope when I come back, people will understand that it was not avoidance, just me needing to spend some time sorting out my feelings. Everyone makes it look so easy. I want what everyone else has, and I want what nobody else has. I'm fine. Not great, not awful, just fine....but is that enough? and why do people always think there is something wrong when I say that? Who am I kidding, it is because they know me better than I know myself, and know that "fine" usually means there is something going on... there is, I just cannot name the emotion. I feel like I don't cope with things well, although a good friend and mentor of mine that I had lunch the other day told me what amazing coping abilities I have, ones that I am not even conscious of. I wish I could see them more often.


I think it's ok to feel like this sometimes, at this stage of my life, ok to be alone to process, ok to be confused, ok to withdraw as long as you know that if you come back, when you come back, I don't know if I can come back, but if I do, there will be a new horizon waiting, new choices, a clear path. And with that new horizon, I hope friends and family that understand it's what I had to do. And I thank the people, that despite me shutting down, break through my wall, and understand. It's the only thing that gets me through.

Better days ahead.

"Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down..."

Get me Bodied, I survived!

I am currently in bed at 8:00 am on my first Tuesday of summer vacation, listening to Get Me Bodied by Beyonce...a nice morning wake-up song to get you going. I decided that a post was necessary as I finished my first year of teaching last Friday, and well, it deserves reflection.

I had a very, very successful first year of teaching. On most days it felt like I had been teaching forever. Coming off of my student teaching experience, I felt extremely prepared. I fell into a very different environment for my first year, compared to that of student teaching, but it is exactly where I wanted to end up. Spanish, middle school, it is always what I have wanted to do. I questioned millions of times whether or not teaching was right for me in college, and working this year showed me that this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now. It comes naturally to me, and while yes there are good days and bad days and teaching is some of the most exhausting work I have ever done, I enjoyed my job on most days.

You work so hard for so long to get to your chosen profession. When I think back to college and remember all the all-nighters, getting into the college of ed, student teaching and grad school, taking horrible classes just to get my degree, studying abroad, throw in life---with boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, friendships, ex-friendships, birthdays, parties,learning about trust and commitment and procrastination and how far emotionally you can be stretched until you break, all to ultimately get to be a teacher. Is it worth it? Well...let's look at what I learned this year.

So, what did I learn this year:

1. Be flexible. Things often don't go as planned, and there is no reason to beat yourself up over it.

2. Middle schoolers are hormonal, more so than I ever was. There will be inappropriate touching, and you may just find a girl in the boys bathroom doing, well, inappropriate touching.

3. Notes are still very popular in middle school...read them when you catch the kids writing them. It can provide hours of entertainment. Then threaten if you ever catch them with a note again you will read it over morning announcements, that usually stops the note writing;)

4. Middle schoolers don't understand sarcasm very much, use it anyways. The kids really do appreciate a great sense of humor.

5. Tell the kids about yourself. I explained on the first day of school that I am an organizational freak, that our classes will be color coded, and even if the student is not organized he or she will be organized in my class or I will have a nervous breakdown...it worked.

6. Tell the kids more about yourself....I explained very early on my love for Carrie Underwood and my hate towards Taylor Swift....the whole school ended up knowing about it. Questions would pop up on tests about them, there would be extra credit offered about them, kids would come in with Taylor Swift shirts and I wouldn't let them in my room...the kids loved it, loved that I could play around and not be 100% academic all the time, you have to let loose a little bit, well a lot a bit or you will lose your mind.

7. Never tell the kids how old you are...my kids till don't know. It's a fun game all year having them guess that you are 18, 16, and even 35!

8. Ask about their weekends, and ask about their issues. Maybe its the counselor in me but while I want my kids to do well in my class, I also want my kids to do well in life...I always make it a priority to keep my door open to talk...and boy did I hear stories this year when I did. It felt good to make a difference.

9. Kids can be assholes. I had some real yahoos in my class. They can make or break your day if you let them. Make fun of them, tease them if you must, then just write them up, they are not worth your time. Some kids no matter how much you try, are too busy in their own world to care. They want too much attention. Try everything you can to get through to them, but sometimes they just need to grow up a little bit.

10. Have patience, lots and lots of patience.

11. Try to be a week ahead of yourself planning, it makes life a lot easier.

12. Make mistakes in front of the kids.

13. Make your classroom colorful! The kids loved my classroom and its chili pepper theme. So did I. A bright, interactive, classroom makes are the difference in the world.

14. Make the children move, they do NOT do well just sitting.

15. Give projects, lots of them. It gives you a break from active teaching, and it allows them to be creative.

16. Use rubrics, it makes grading a lot easier.

17. You get paid from 7:30-3:30 do not take work home to grade after those hours unless someone pays you for it. I got that advice about two months into the school year. And I haven't looked back. (most of the time)

18. Be nice to the secretaries and the custodians.

19. It's ok to show movies.

20. You feel really really good when other teachers come to you and tell you your kids are using Spanish in their classrooms.

21. Connect with other teachers at the school. Having friends at work, adult friends, is a life saver. It kept me sane this year without a doubt. Who else understands? And when things came up this year personally, that were completely unexpected, these friends were the first ones to step up and be 100% supportive.

22. Being a young teacher, it is important to keep the line between teacher and friend very clear. Kids want my cell phone number, facebook, etc. A complement in the sense they related to me, but also I am their teacher, and so it is important to make it understood from the start. We can be friends after you graduate high school is always my rule of thumb.

23. The kids have a fascination with my first name. I tell them. I know a lot of teacher's don't. I don't care, tell them and be done. They get over it.

24. Every day is a new day, don't hold grudges with the kids.

25. BE CONSISTENT. Kids crave routine.

26. Tell the kids when you are having a bad day, everyone has them, why shouldn't you, they respect that.

27. Teach what you are passionate about, go out of the book, teach what will interest the kids.

28. Work was an escape, on many levels, and I will miss it this summer on a certain level.

29. I appreciated how well I was brought up and the "normal" family I was raised in, some of my students had such horrible home lives, I could not even imagine

30. When May 1st hits, kids shut down, you will shut down. Last minute things happen at the end of the year. Unexpected things happen at the end of the year that can completely throw you. It did for me. As hard as it may be try to Vent. Talk. Take Deep Breaths. The end of the school year takes strength and lots of coffee to get through.

31. Having the kids use shaving cream to clean off the their desks at the end of the year does wonders.

And in the end...you will see that all of this pays off. I came to the last day of school with tears in my eyes as I was greeted with a group of my favorite students. A big boquet of my favorite flowers; gerber daisys. Starbucks cards, Beaners Cards, bath and body works things...and the kids were just balling crying so hard they didn't want to leave my class. But more than the presents and the tears were the letters I got from my kids. Kids, who cannot write one paragraph in English wrote me three and four page letters detailing everything we did in class, all the memories, every funny thing I said. The letters were so sweet a wonderful mix of maturity and typical middle school lingo and said things such as " I learned more in your class than any other class and if I had to go and live in Spain right now I could. OR There are very few people that I genuinely respect and you are one of them because you actually treated me like a human being and not some little kid you had the displeasure of teaching OR You taught us amazing words like tenedor and sacapuntas lol OR I will never forget your love of Carrie Underwood and your hatred towards Taylor Swift OR I could come to talk to you about anything and I am not sure who I will go to next year in high school OR You made Spanish so fun with all the songs and games you taught us you really cared about how successful we were OR You always believed in me, even when I ceased to believe in myself, and when I go to California and win my Academy Award I am going to thank you in my speech OR I have one piece of advice for you, don't change because you are perfect just the way you are." I mean these are 12 and 13 year olds.

I have always said if I can just make a difference in one students life the way that my favorite teachers made a difference in mine, and I can honestly say I feel I made a difference and it is a WONDERFUL feeling. The future is unknown, and grad school starts in two weeks, I am unsure of my schedule for this summer, and my heart still races with stress but for the first time in a long time I feel proud of myself. I feel like I am making a difference. I feel like I have surrounded myself with people, new friends and old that have made me feel really good about myself and where I am headed. It's a process, like I said, there is still so much uknown and still so much I question...but for now, for right now, I am going to enjoy the fact that I more than just survived my first year, rather I am gong to enjoy the sense of accomplishment and pride that my first year of teaching brought.

Some Thoughts

As my heart races to 150 beats per minute, strangely I feel (or I know I should feel) incredibly blessed, yet it is hard for me to catch my breath. I think about how I have felt in the past, how is this the same, how is this different? I try to talk about it, but not sure the words come out right. I wonder what I have done to get myself to this point. I am ridden with guilt, as I try to decide what is best for me. I wonder if I worry too much about what others will think, I wonder if I will be any less of a person. I am struggling with feeling a lack of control. I am wondering if my worrying is making me worry too much. While my personality has driven me to keep a good sense of humor, a listening ear, a good reputation, treat others well, try to always find a middle ground, think about how I treat the people closest to me, has lead me to great success and has pushed me to see how much I can accomplish; I find myself wondering how much of who I am, has also held me back. I want to be better at standing up for myself, and not feel guilty. I think a very big part of me just wants to make sure I am on the right path and that I matter in some way, to somebody. I want to feel good about who I am, and where I am, and where I am going. I want to be ok with it all. And as I start to think about how far I have come, and how far I have left to go...I can feel my heart begin to race all over again....



I have lost 10lbs through my running training, and since this is always a constant battle for me, I do feel good for that accomplishment. Although, at least with weight, and exercise, I have some control of the results....

As thankful as I am for summer vacation and not having to work in the summer, I think almost a bigger part of me is nervous for what this summer will bring. I do much better on a routine, with a schedule, and I suppose I would feel better if I knew what was going on in the fall. But there is going to be a lot me that misses the distraction that work provides, the students..the good and the bad, my friends here, lesson planning, it all, for the most part takes so much focus off of myself and worrying about me. I will miss that. I am happy for the break though, because as much of a distraction that work provides, it also is making me insanely stressed out.

Quotes of the Day:

¨It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them.¨

"Señorita, I would throw him out the window if that would make you happy.¨

¨Anyone can give up, its the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that´s true strength.¨

I DID IT!

I did it! In the midst of a very very stressful week of work, Two bad hips, physical therapy and an emergency first time trip to the chiropractor that a friend scheduled for me...I ran in my first 5k race. I surprised myself with how well I did, and I was immensely surprised by how much I love the whole racing scene. The people, the atmosphere were awesome. After a mile and a half warm up watching my friend off to her 10k and walking to my 5k start with other friends...my hip was all warmed up. A few stretches and three sports bras later, I was off. Maybe it was Beyonce's single ladies, maybe it was everyone running around me, maybe it was my friends running with me today and training with me over the last few months, maybe it was because I have wanted to do this for so long and adrenaline kicked in...whatever it was, I was off, and pain free. I had to walk up two hills, my hips couldn't take it, but other than that, I ran the whole time. Finishing with a very acceptable time of 36 minutes 42 seconds. I am officially addicted. I feel so good about myself and so proud of myself. I had a few pretty crappy set backs, but did it! There is nothing I like better than setting a goal and accomplishing it. I NEVER thought I would be a runner. Number 10 has officially been checked off my Bucket List, and as I am looking at my list, number 18 can be checked off too..throwing someone a surpise party. And so can number 21, get into grad school. I haven't checked the list in the while, and I am making some progress. GREAT day today, cannot wait to do it again!

Taking a mental health day off of school tomorrow to regroup, reprioritize and take a day off of stress...a day to take care of myself for once.

Enjoy this beautiful day!

Certainty

Well, I am currently in the middle of memorial day weekend, and loving every minute. A well deserved long weekend, filled with relaxation, getting race ready for next weekend (well at least as race ready as I can get with a bad hip), organizing, spending time with friends, and catching up with some work from school. An interesting event happened today, which made me feel particularly happy about the place I am in my life. It is really funny to me the idea of intimidation and what it makes a person do. Now there is a very big difference between being intimidated, and being nervous or anxious or stressed. Nervousness, anxiousness, stress...all usually inherit characteristics in your personality....they are circumstantial sometimes, they occur when you personally feel there is something to lose from the situation or the outcome. When one is intimidated similar symptoms may appear----one does not make eye contact, heart races, one desperately try to think of what to say, or one may say nothing at all, and then run and hide. The difference lies in this: one that is intimidated must feel guilty on some level about something, or why run, why just the small talk, why not look the person in the eye, there is nothing personally for you to lose, so why feel intimidated? It's the guilt...but just so the situation is not awkward you try to say something quickly, and then kick yourself for how you sounded once you leave the situation, or you may try to convince yourself the other party made it awkward or at least you said SOMETHING...oh, let me reassure you.... everyone noticed your awkwardness and idiotic behavior... the awkwardness and the idiotic behavior portrayed comes in the fact that you were intimidated in the first place. I have to think that intimidation can only happen to a person who is weak, to a person who knows he/she has done something wrong and is not strong enough to confront it. Intimidation reflects the inability to change into a better person, the inability to grow up, mature, apologize, see perspective. Oh, how some people never, ever change.

I, on the other hand, have changed. I have grown and changed in ways that make me feel really good about myself, always trying my very best to be honest and do the right thing. And, I learned that I cannot change other people. I will always keep an open door, because I believe in new beginnings, but people make choices that sometimes have no logical explanation, they just work for them, and are sometimes made at the expense of other people. You just have to hope they are happy with their choices down the line. Many times, you are able to see hindsight before them, but they will have to learn from their own mistakes when reality hits. I see now that you have to be concerned about yourself, what is best for you, surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you, and bring out the change in you.

I have been given a lot of tough lessons over the years. I have battled time and time again to find myself. I realized today that while many doors of many relationships were shut in my face, and scars planted, for each person that left my life, god or someone bigger than me quietly put some really amazing people into my life. I was given a wonderful support system and I have only just started to realize it, and even though I was oblivious to the support because I was too busy worrying about what was long gone, once again, this year, I was blessed to have two more great people and friends come into my life, that have offered nothing but support and a wonderful sense of humor as I try to build the person I want to become. Going through your twenties is not easy...there are absolutely wonderful times that can only happen when you are in your twenties and there are really really horrible times too. I have gotten better about looking at the positive, but I also am constantly anxious and stressed out by nature. All of the good of my personality and all of the bad, have truly been embraced by the people that matter in my life. I have started to develop the mentality where I cannot feel guilty for how I am feeling, and I cannot change my reactions out of fear that people will pull away. I have realized that I tend to hold emotions in, until I am about ready to explode, probably due to past experiences....but now, I am starting to feel comfortable talking, and I realized that talking, to the right people, actually does make me feel better. I am at a point where either you like me or you don't....I am sarcastic, emotional, compassionate, funny, loyal and a complete perfectionist. I worry about the past, I stress out about the future, not a huge fan of change, I apologize probably too often, I have a hard time saying no, I care about how I treat people and I wear my heart on my sleeve....but with all that comes great passion for what I believe in......you have to accept me the way I am, I will not change my personality because someone is offended or does not like it. This does not mean I will not change and learn from people, it just means that I won't accept being betrayed, lied to, or put down because of how I react to situations or because of the very sensitive personality that I was born with. There is still a lot of work I have to do, a lot to figure out, and some days I feel like a train wreck, but I surround myself with people that have let me know that it is ok to feel this way, and they are always there to offer a listening ear and advice. Most importantly, I have realized, with completely certainty, that I am not alone. And on my hardest days, this knowledge, will get me through, and I am completely thankful.

After 12 hours of organizing my life, I am sitting in a VERY clean room, with labels, boxes, and colored coded lists....I hope sleep tonight will be a very real possibility......

Well-written

In between my running schedule, my less than favorable sleeping patterns, and the hecticness of the end of my school year, I have found the need to unwind and am addicted to just curling up in my bed and reading good books. I am in this online book club and I came across this book while doing some research on finding a new york times best seller to read, and found these really interesting quotes as I read my book tonight. It is interesting to me when you can hear emotion and feel emotion off of a page in a book...maybe you relate to the subject, maybe you cannot, but you can just sense that it is very, very well written, at least in my opinion. I have always said if I weren't a teacher, I would be a writer. I still secretly want to write a book one day, I guess I am just enjoy when I come across good writing, so I thought I'd share. So what makes good writing...the ability to relate to the message, the feeling that you understand just what is being written, that emotion comes across the page, you can feel what is being written, whether you have experienced a common situation or not, you can still feel sympathy, empathy, towards the character...or maybe even say I´ve been there. Now, it is not the most uplifting of books, but excellent writing none-the-less:

"...occasionally I wished I could walk through a picture window and have the sharp, broken shards slash me to ribbons so I would finally look like I felt."

"I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible..."

"I intend to scream, shout, race the engine, call when I feel like it, throw tantrums in Bloomingdale's if I feel like it and confess intimate details about my life to complete strangers. I intend to do what I want to do and be whom I want to be and answer only to myself: that is, quite simply, the bitch philosophy..."

"And then there are my friends, and they have their own lives. While they like to talk everything through, to analyze and hypothesize, what I really need, what I'm really looking for, is not something I can articulate. It's nonverbal: I need love. I need the thing that happens when your brain shuts off and your heart turns on.

And I know it's around me somewhere, but I just can't feel it."

"And I know, knew for sure, with an absolute certainty, that this is rock bottom, this what the worst possible thing feels like. It is not some grand, wretched emotional breakdown. It is, in fact, so very mundane:…Rock Bottom is an inability to cope with the commonplace that is so extreme it makes even the grandest and loveliest things unbearable…Rock bottom is feeling that the only thing that matters in all of life is the one bad moment…Rock bottom is everything out of focus. It’s a failure of vision, a failure to see the world how it is, to see the good in what it is, and only to wonder why the hell things look the way they do and not—and not some other way."

"Some friends don't understand this. They don't understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you're wonderful just the way you are. They don't understand that I can't remember anyone ever saying that to me. I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. It is all about If you loved me, if you supported me, cared about me, valued me, were loyal to me...... you would."

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.”



And 3 things I am thankful for today:
1. That some friends of mine began to make me feel ok to talk about things again, made me feel a lot less alone. There is a lot to process, It's not going to happen overnight, I know that, but I have a place to go now.
2. My mom. It is her birthday today, and while I am in a battle ground with her a lot, I really do love her and was glad she had a good birthday.
3. 18 more wake-up days left of my first year of teaching, ahh, summer;)

.....and of course for how far I have come, and deep down, know how much stronger I will be.